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My experiences back on Earth

George_Washington

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Joined
Oct 2, 2005
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United States of America and proud of it!
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Conservative
Well folks, I'm back on Earth now, for the first time in over 200 years old. Boy, did I have some weird experiences my first day back. Here's what happened.

I got dressed in a sleek all black 18th century outfit complete with stockings and a wig. Then I went through the transportation machine. It's actually a big pool of cookie dough. You get in the dough, take a swig of Jack Daniel's and then POOF, you're back on Earth. Don't ask me how it works, some angel invented it.

I landed on the streets of LA (I figured showing up in East Tennessee wearing 18th century clothing would look out of place, not to mention be dangerous.) The first thing that happened was that I gagged from all the pollution. I was like WTF? Then I was walking down the street when I noticed all the cars and BIG buildings and I was like, WHOA! When I saw the girls with their tight mini skirts on, I cursed God for having made me been born in the 18th century but don't tell him I said that. Anyway, I came to this small building with the image of a man in a wig and stockings with pink neon lights around it. I immediately thought that this must be a place for other dead 18th century people that have chosen to come back to Earth. So, I decided to go in. I got in with no problem since somebody who is 200+ years old is very much over the 21 year old age limit.

Boy, had I entered the wrong place!

Everywhere I looked, there were men wearing tight stockings and ultra tight ruffled shirts. I went up to the bar and bought a bottle of Heineken. I turned around and this guy was smiling at me deliriously as if he had just seen Jesus himself. I noticed he had on lip gloss and make up. He asked me how I was doing and I was just like, "Uhhh fine." Then he told me that he wanted to take me back to his apartment and show me how to hide the sausage.

Bells immediately went off inside my head. I looked around and saw the very odd thing that the men weren't dancing with other women but instead, other men.

I immediately dropped my heineken and ran out.

I eventually came to a club that appeared to be rather, er, "normal." I walked around until I noticed a REALLY hot chick sitting on a leather couch. Turns out it was Jessica Simpson.

She was like, "Nick, is that you?"

I was like, "Uh, yeah."

She was like, "Baby, what you doin in those clothes?"

I was like, "Uh, I lost a bet?"

She laughed and we went back to her house. We slept together, her thinking I was Nick La-however you spell his last name. In bed after sex, we talked for a bit.

I was like, "So Jessica, do you notice anything different about me?"

She was like, "Yeah Nick, your hair is dyed white."

I was like, "Look more closely."

She was like, "You got it enlarged?"

I was like, "NO, damn it, I'm not your husband! I'm George ****ing Washington, the first President!"

She jumped back and was shocked. Then after a few minutes she leaned over to me and said, "George, what made you such a damn good lover?"

I was like, "Well, back in the 18th century there was nothing to ****ing do on the weekends except have sex. And trust me, when you're having sex in 100+ degree heat in the summer and on a hard wooden floor, you have to be agile."
 
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