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Me Tarzan, You Jane?


DP Veteran
Jun 20, 2018
Reaction score
Miami, FL
Political Leaning
Here is a nonsensical piece I wrote some 25 years ago to an old girlfriend of mine

Me Tarzan, you Jane?

I have been sitting here this afternoon eating a banana and thinking that perhaps I should go over to see you and take a banana with me so that I can treat you to a snack.

I do know that the Vine express will ultimately take me to you (even though where there are no trees I am going to have to walk) and have considered leaving my house to my trusty friend "Fluffy Ape" (he doesn't like to be called that as he says the Fluffy stuff is too feminine) and begin my journey through the jungle to go and visit you.

I have made sure to take my african loincloth out of storage and to the cleaners (the look they gave me was worth a thousand words) and made sure that its sewn up tight so that when I swing from the trees people won't look up and say "is that a pink banana?". I do want to make sure that you have access to my loincloth area but do not want to cause an uproar as I swing around from vine to vine as it might attract tourists with cameras to take pictures and, worst of all, it might cause a traffic jam of ladies wanting to say hello.

When I get to your office I will yell from outside so that you can come out and meet with me as I really do not want to attract attention even though, I must admit, I am worried about my yell because it has been known to have caused elephants to stampede but then again I am quite sure there are no more than one or two elephants in your state so it should not cause too much of a problem.

Please make sure to be dressed appropiately as high heels and tight clothing can cause problems when climbing a tree... I hope to pick out a nice tree, not too far from your office, so that we can sit down and talk, pick each others lice out, rub noses, and swing back and forth (or in an out as the case may be) as I can think of nothing else I would enjoy more than doing that with you.

I do want to ask you for a favor though, could you put some bug spray in your pocketbook? I hate when I am sitting on a tree limb having ants crawl up the inside of my leg and bite me in my private parts..... its been one of the on-going problems I have had over the years and the only thing that seems to solve it is to spray my privates with bug spray.

Anyhow, my loving Jane, I Tarzan promise to feed and shelter you (I have a good tree house, you know?) for as long as I live, protect you from all the dangerous animals that abound in the jungle (sharks, dastardly lions, dirty little rats, and people who are real dogs) and make you safe from the elements by building you a nice tree house where we can swing all the time.

Will you consent to be my mate (in spite of the ants) if I do all of that?

Your swinging Tarzan (T for short)
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