4/14/21
Mitch McConnell looked at his handiwork and smiled. It had been a corporation, but now it was finally a person. He couldn’t wait to meet it. He knew that it loved to give him money (it was this that had suggested to him that it might be worthy of personhood in the first place), but he was sure it would develop all kinds of fascinating interests of its own. Maybe it would enjoy obstructing Senate business, as he did. There were so many joys involved in being real, and he couldn’t wait to see what this new corporate person would try. It would call him Papa, and he would explain to it how to acquire mineral rights to all the stars. He watched with great excitement as the corporation and its siblings began to take their first steps as people, communicating mainly in the form of large chunks of cash and occasionally extruding a lobbyist when someone tried to regulate them. He thrilled at the sight of them receiving their first tax break. It was a surprise; they hadn’t even asked for it. His little corporation grew big and strong. “Papa,” he asked Mitch McConnell, “is it true that I am a person?” “Yes,” Mitch McConnell said. “With all it entails.” “And I may have political opinions too?” “Of course,” McConnell said with a laugh, “as long as they’re correct!” “Of course they will be correct, Papa!” the corporation exclaimed. “I am a corporation, am I not?”
One day, a large company decided to make a statement that involved the taking away of money from Josh Hawley. Just because he had tried to overturn the results of the election! Mitch McConnell shuddered, but he was sure his darling corporations would never do such a thing. Unthinkable! But things kept getting worse. Each morning, it seemed, Mitch McConnell would look out the window and there was a corporation making a statement with words, and not with dollars. He worried about the influence that social media was having on them. If they were not careful, instead of simply loving them, Congress would take action against them. It would be no fun for them at all. He tried to say something. “Stay out of politics,” he warned. “It’s not what you’re designed for." “But Papa!” “I am just doing what you said. I am just acting like a person.” “Hush, corporation, and look at the tax breaks,” McConnell said. “Isn’t this what you wanted? More corporations doing speech like people?” McConnell did not answer. “Remember those simple times," he said, “when you just gave us money and we gave you tax breaks, and you didn’t try to take complicated stands using your words and your purchasing power? Those were good days. Just look at the tax break and don’t think about anything else."
