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- Oct 9, 2011
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Identifying the real thing
1. Love develops slowly; infatuation rapidly. Most people think that falling in love happens suddenly and intensely. Tyrone said, “I fell hard the minute I saw her yesterday. She looked just like I always pictured she would. I feel like I’ve known her all my life.”
Don’t jump to conclusions. Allow your relationship to grow slowly. Begin as friends, and don’t try to rush through the getting-to-know-you stage. Leisurely beginnings make for pleasurable dating relationships. Such friendships can lead to true love that resemble infatuation in intensity but are rooted in reality.
2. Love relies on compatibility; infatuation on chemistry and appearance. Steve got a “good feeling” when he met a good-looking girl. According to him, he felt instant chemistry. “You either feel it or you don’t. I felt it the minute I saw her.” Where did Steve get the idea that chemistry and love are the same thing? Movies, perhaps!
Relying on “chemistry” to guide you toward love is foolish and dangerous. Chemistry is based mostly on physical or sexual attraction. There needs to be that spark between you that makes you feel more alive than ever before, but to base a marriage on this alone is ludicrous.
You may feel strongly attracted to someone you just met and like everything about that person. But there’s still a long way to go before you love that person. True love includes chemistry, but springs from other factors as well, including character, personality, emotions, ideas, and attitudes. When you’re in love you are interested in the way the other thinks and responds to situations, the values you hold in common. You look at your attitudes on religion, family, sex, money, and friends, as well as common interests, similar backgrounds, and courteousness. The more you have in common, the better your chances for true love.
3. Love centers on one person; infatuation may involve several. An infatuated person may think himself or herself “in love” with two or more persons at once. These persons often differ markedly in personality. Jan says she’s in love with two guys and can’t choose between them. Steve is mature, stable, and responsible, whereas Reggie is an irresponsible, fun-loving spender. Jan isn’t “in love” with either. Something draws her to the fun-loving spender while her maturing instincts tell her the qualities of Steve hold more importance. She combines their qualities and thinks she is “in love” with both. True love focuses on one person whose character and personality possesses the essential qualities. You no longer combine people to form an ideal.
4. Love produces security; infatuation insecurity. While love works on the principle of trust, infatuation struggles with insecurity and may attempt to control the other through jealousy. This does not mean that when you are really in love you will never feel jealous. But jealousy is less frequent and severe. True love trusts. Some feel flattered by jealousy, thinking it indicative of true love. Jealousy, however, signifies unhealthy emotions-insecurity and low self-worth as well as possessiveness. Real love doesn’t act this way.
5. Love recognizes realities; infatuation ignores them. True love looks at problems squarely without minimizing their seriousness. Infatuation ignores differences in social, racial, educational, or religious backgrounds. Sometimes it grips someone who is already married. Infatuation argues that such things don’t matter. A couple in love, however, face problems frankly. When a problem threatens their relationship, they discuss it openly and solve it intelligently. They negotiate solutions in advance.
6. Love motivates positive behavior; infatuation has a destructive effect. Love is constructive and brings out the best in you. It provides new energy, ambition, and interest in life. Love produces creativity and interest in personal growth, improvement, and worthy causes. It engenders self-worth, trust, and security and spurs you toward success. You study harder, plan more effectively, and save more diligently. Life takes on additional purpose and meaning. You may daydream, but you stay within the bounds of reality and function at your highest level.
7. Love recognizes faults; infatuation ignores them. Love recognizes the fine qualities in the other and idealizes to a degree, but does not consider the person faultless. Faults are admitted, but respect and admiration of their good qualities outweighs the bad. Infatuation blinds you from seeing anything wrong. You idealize to such a degree that you refuse to admit faults and defend your beloved against all critics. You admire one or two qualities so much that you fool yourself into believing they can outweigh the faults.
Love enables you to love in spite of these faults. It does not blind you to realities.
8. Love controls physical contact; infatuation exploits it. True love helps a couple hold back in expressing romantic intimacies. Both persons respect the other so much that they voluntarily limit their desire for intimacy. Infatuation demands intimacy much earlier. Furthermore, such intimacy makes up a smaller part of the relationship for a couple in love, in contrast to an infatuated couple. The reason for this is that infatuation depends largely on physical attraction, and the excitement leads to necking and petting. Persons experiencing this for the first time think this must be something special, and assume they are in love. They ignore the fact that their values, goals, and belief systems may be at odds. If they marry based on physical attraction alone, they’ll wake up to find their sexual interest declining and disagreements escalating. Although true love includes physical attraction, it springs from other factors as well. Physical contact for a couple in love usually has a deeper meaning than sheer pleasure. Physical contact for the infatuated often becomes an end in itself. Pleasure dominates the experience.
9. Love brings the approval of family and friends; infatuation brings disapproval. If parents or friends do not approve, beware! If they are convinced a bad choice is in the making, they are probably right. Marriages that lack the blessing of parents have a high failure rate. One researcher compared complaints by happily married persons with those of divorced persons. The divorced were almost four times as likely to complain their spouse had nothing in common with mutual friends. It was also found that happily married couples were far less likely to have problems with in-laws. If parents and friends object, take care. If theyapprove, take heart.
College and University Dialogue
l want that thing pleasee
1. Love develops slowly; infatuation rapidly. Most people think that falling in love happens suddenly and intensely. Tyrone said, “I fell hard the minute I saw her yesterday. She looked just like I always pictured she would. I feel like I’ve known her all my life.”
Don’t jump to conclusions. Allow your relationship to grow slowly. Begin as friends, and don’t try to rush through the getting-to-know-you stage. Leisurely beginnings make for pleasurable dating relationships. Such friendships can lead to true love that resemble infatuation in intensity but are rooted in reality.
2. Love relies on compatibility; infatuation on chemistry and appearance. Steve got a “good feeling” when he met a good-looking girl. According to him, he felt instant chemistry. “You either feel it or you don’t. I felt it the minute I saw her.” Where did Steve get the idea that chemistry and love are the same thing? Movies, perhaps!
Relying on “chemistry” to guide you toward love is foolish and dangerous. Chemistry is based mostly on physical or sexual attraction. There needs to be that spark between you that makes you feel more alive than ever before, but to base a marriage on this alone is ludicrous.
You may feel strongly attracted to someone you just met and like everything about that person. But there’s still a long way to go before you love that person. True love includes chemistry, but springs from other factors as well, including character, personality, emotions, ideas, and attitudes. When you’re in love you are interested in the way the other thinks and responds to situations, the values you hold in common. You look at your attitudes on religion, family, sex, money, and friends, as well as common interests, similar backgrounds, and courteousness. The more you have in common, the better your chances for true love.
3. Love centers on one person; infatuation may involve several. An infatuated person may think himself or herself “in love” with two or more persons at once. These persons often differ markedly in personality. Jan says she’s in love with two guys and can’t choose between them. Steve is mature, stable, and responsible, whereas Reggie is an irresponsible, fun-loving spender. Jan isn’t “in love” with either. Something draws her to the fun-loving spender while her maturing instincts tell her the qualities of Steve hold more importance. She combines their qualities and thinks she is “in love” with both. True love focuses on one person whose character and personality possesses the essential qualities. You no longer combine people to form an ideal.
4. Love produces security; infatuation insecurity. While love works on the principle of trust, infatuation struggles with insecurity and may attempt to control the other through jealousy. This does not mean that when you are really in love you will never feel jealous. But jealousy is less frequent and severe. True love trusts. Some feel flattered by jealousy, thinking it indicative of true love. Jealousy, however, signifies unhealthy emotions-insecurity and low self-worth as well as possessiveness. Real love doesn’t act this way.
5. Love recognizes realities; infatuation ignores them. True love looks at problems squarely without minimizing their seriousness. Infatuation ignores differences in social, racial, educational, or religious backgrounds. Sometimes it grips someone who is already married. Infatuation argues that such things don’t matter. A couple in love, however, face problems frankly. When a problem threatens their relationship, they discuss it openly and solve it intelligently. They negotiate solutions in advance.
6. Love motivates positive behavior; infatuation has a destructive effect. Love is constructive and brings out the best in you. It provides new energy, ambition, and interest in life. Love produces creativity and interest in personal growth, improvement, and worthy causes. It engenders self-worth, trust, and security and spurs you toward success. You study harder, plan more effectively, and save more diligently. Life takes on additional purpose and meaning. You may daydream, but you stay within the bounds of reality and function at your highest level.
7. Love recognizes faults; infatuation ignores them. Love recognizes the fine qualities in the other and idealizes to a degree, but does not consider the person faultless. Faults are admitted, but respect and admiration of their good qualities outweighs the bad. Infatuation blinds you from seeing anything wrong. You idealize to such a degree that you refuse to admit faults and defend your beloved against all critics. You admire one or two qualities so much that you fool yourself into believing they can outweigh the faults.
Love enables you to love in spite of these faults. It does not blind you to realities.
8. Love controls physical contact; infatuation exploits it. True love helps a couple hold back in expressing romantic intimacies. Both persons respect the other so much that they voluntarily limit their desire for intimacy. Infatuation demands intimacy much earlier. Furthermore, such intimacy makes up a smaller part of the relationship for a couple in love, in contrast to an infatuated couple. The reason for this is that infatuation depends largely on physical attraction, and the excitement leads to necking and petting. Persons experiencing this for the first time think this must be something special, and assume they are in love. They ignore the fact that their values, goals, and belief systems may be at odds. If they marry based on physical attraction alone, they’ll wake up to find their sexual interest declining and disagreements escalating. Although true love includes physical attraction, it springs from other factors as well. Physical contact for a couple in love usually has a deeper meaning than sheer pleasure. Physical contact for the infatuated often becomes an end in itself. Pleasure dominates the experience.
9. Love brings the approval of family and friends; infatuation brings disapproval. If parents or friends do not approve, beware! If they are convinced a bad choice is in the making, they are probably right. Marriages that lack the blessing of parents have a high failure rate. One researcher compared complaints by happily married persons with those of divorced persons. The divorced were almost four times as likely to complain their spouse had nothing in common with mutual friends. It was also found that happily married couples were far less likely to have problems with in-laws. If parents and friends object, take care. If theyapprove, take heart.
College and University Dialogue
l want that thing pleasee
