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Loss. Life's greatest lesson.

MaggieD said:
Thanks for the good thoughts. I was actually thinking about how strong I've become -- and the journey that led me there. ;)
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Good, decent people become as strong as the challenges placed before them - to do otherwise is to do less than you're capable of.
 
Seven years ago my mother died. It was okay. She lived a long, full life and she was ready to go. Her passing wasn't my loss. My loss was losing my family in the process.

You see, for reasons I won't go into, my brothers didn't want me to see my mother when she was on her deathbed and they didn't want me to attend her memorial or funeral. Since then I haven't seen or spoken to them or their families.

I haven't come to terms with the affair...I've only suppressed it. I hardly think of them anymore and, when I do, the anger is almost uncontrollable. But I always get past it again...for a while.

The one thing that sustains me is that I have kept a secret for my mother for 30 years. She did something that, if the family knew, would devastate them all. But I kept the secret for her...not for them. I promised her I would never reveal it as long as I lived.

I didn't promise not to reveal the secret after I die. Whether I do that or not...I am undecided.
 
Mycroft said:
Seven years ago my mother died. It was okay. She lived a long, full life and she was ready to go. Her passing wasn't my loss. My loss was losing my family in the process.

You see, for reasons I won't go into, my brothers didn't want me to see my mother when she was on her deathbed and they didn't want me to attend her memorial or funeral. Since then I haven't seen or spoken to them or their families.

I haven't come to terms with the affair...I've only suppressed it. I hardly think of them anymore and, when I do, the anger is almost uncontrollable. But I always get past it again...for a while. The one thing that sustains me is that I have kept a secret for my mother for 30 years. She did something that, if the family knew, would devastate them all. But I kept the secret for her...not for them. I promised her I would never reveal it as long as I lived.

I didn't promise not to reveal the secret after I die. Whether I do that or not...I am undecided.
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It was a gift to your mom to allow her to unburden herself to you. And a gift to you that she chose to do so. I've had a few of those "shameful secrets" revealed to me as well. Who the **** cares? ;) ;)
 
I've kept a secret too. Not from my family but, rather, from the public. I've thought at various times about speaking up, but the most I've ever done is correct the state's historical record blurb's inaccuracies.

And I've honored a promise that cost our family the loss of one entire side of the family. But I sleep well at night knowing that I kept that promise, and let the devil take those who didn't get their way.
 
Nothing bad has ever happened in my life and I've no reason to believe anything bad ever will.
The events listed in the OP
death of a loved one
divorce
poor health
business failure
an irrevocable decision
loss of a job

I've experienced all of these things
they are just a normal part of life
no biggie
 
Mycroft said:
Seven years ago my mother died. It was okay. She lived a long, full life and she was ready to go. Her passing wasn't my loss. My loss was losing my family in the process.

You see, for reasons I won't go into, my brothers didn't want me to see my mother when she was on her deathbed and they didn't want me to attend her memorial or funeral. Since then I haven't seen or spoken to them or their families.

I haven't come to terms with the affair...I've only suppressed it. I hardly think of them anymore and, when I do, the anger is almost uncontrollable. But I always get past it again...for a while.

The one thing that sustains me is that I have kept a secret for my mother for 30 years. She did something that, if the family knew, would devastate them all. But I kept the secret for her...not for them. I promised her I would never reveal it as long as I lived.

I didn't promise not to reveal the secret after I die. Whether I do that or not...I am undecided.
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Though I can fully understand your thinking on revealing the secret, since I carry one of my own from my father for 25 years which will never be revealed, is it worth it to inflict that pain once your gone? I would hate to think you would want your family to think less of your mother so you can feel some satisfaction. Please think hard and long on that. Please.
 
People obsessed with the past can't have a future?
If you stubbed your toe an hour ago why would you still be upset over it?
If another person made a choice you disagree with how could you continue
to be affected by their decisions for decades to come?
Is wallowing in self-pity fun and productive or do I still vividly recall
the kitchen floor of my home literally covered in my mother's blood when I was five years old?
 
MaggieD said:
Few people "get it" until they have experienced a devastating loss. It could be the death of a loved one...divorce...poor health...business failure...an irrevocable decision...even loss of a job.

A monumental loss knocks the pins right out from under you. Everything you thought you knew about life - about yourself - about who you really are? Dissolves. Crumbles around you.

What you do after that devastating loss defines who you are as a person for the rest of your life.

Have you learned the lesson? What was your loss? How long did it take you to recover?
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This is why I have trouble fully trusting someone, unless they've "been through the wringer" and come out on the other side, dealt with it and got on with life. Until it happens to you, you don't know ****.

I lost folks, including folks I loved dearly... but the real kicker was when my 23yo might-as-well-been-adopted-brother was murdered one night in a robbery at his business. He was one of the linchpins of my life at that time; the person I talked to about everything... the person I turned to when life kicked me in the teeth, and he was YOUNG, and he didn't do dangerous things or stupid things, he wasn't sick, in fact he'd just gotten engaged... and BAM he was GONE.

I called his mother my "second mom" and vice-versa... that was her only child and she was a widow besides, I still remember her scream when the detectives showed up stony-faced... they'd found his body. He'd cooperated fully with the robbers and they'd still taken him off and shot him in the back of the head.

I was a bag of broken glass for half a year, and it took years more for me to really get over it.


Next worst was my divorce. There's nothing like being betrayed and left for dead by someone who supposedly loved you more than anyone. Those were both 'watershead' moments in life, for sure.

Until you experience something like it, you don't know ****.
 
MaggieD said:
Few people "get it" until they have experienced a devastating loss. It could be the death of a loved one...divorce...poor health...business failure...an irrevocable decision...even loss of a job.

A monumental loss knocks the pins right out from under you. Everything you thought you knew about life - about yourself - about who you really are? Dissolves. Crumbles around you.

What you do after that devastating loss defines who you are as a person for the rest of your life.

Have you learned the lesson? What was your loss? How long did it take you to recover?
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I don't think loss even needs to come to fact for it to have an impact. Sometimes almost losing someone is strong enough on it's own for you to change your outlook and perspective. In the last year I almost lost my husband due to heart failure, our youngest due to a severe case of croup, and two other children tried to commit suicide because of the issues that came from my husband's health and him being sent off by the military during such a troublesome time.

Every other loss I've experienced in life paled in comparison to the trauma that came from these events over the last year.
 
I lost my Grandmother 4 years ago and my Mother last March.....they were what unified the family. So the loss is greatly felt every single day of my life. I deal with it every single day of my life. Losing both has somewhat opened me up with my sons. As we are but the few that are left. So I have had others to think of with now being the Oldest on my side thats left.

I always felt that which makes one stronger and all that and I can say I did reach comfortably numb a long time ago......and all my life I have dealt with the loss of those close to me and around me. From the hood and growing up to those who were my friends and bruthas in NAM. The loss has been many.....leaving me to wonder why I somehow always was left. I come thru it.....carry on. But with each such a loss it is like I lose a little more of myself.

 
A person with a happy positive outlook only recalls the good things that happened in their past
the reality is prolly neither good or bad things in the past really effect what we can or will do today
but I guess that's part of the human condition, your dog doesn't recall last week he's happy to lick yer face Today!
 
GottaGo said:
Though I can fully understand your thinking on revealing the secret, since I carry one of my own from my father for 25 years which will never be revealed, is it worth it to inflict that pain once your gone? I would hate to think you would want your family to think less of your mother so you can feel some satisfaction. Please think hard and long on that. Please.
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This is why I am undecided.

At times, I think that returning the pain I've received from my brothers is worth revealing the secret...at times, I don't.

The overarching consideration for me is how it will affect my two sons. Because of this, they already have very little to do with my family. If that continues, the effects will be less as time passes. Hopefully, I will have many more years before I must make a decision.
 
Mycroft said:
Seven years ago my mother died. It was okay. She lived a long, full life and she was ready to go. Her passing wasn't my loss. My loss was losing my family in the process.

You see, for reasons I won't go into, my brothers didn't want me to see my mother when she was on her deathbed and they didn't want me to attend her memorial or funeral. Since then I haven't seen or spoken to them or their families.

I haven't come to terms with the affair...I've only suppressed it. I hardly think of them anymore and, when I do, the anger is almost uncontrollable. But I always get past it again...for a while.

The one thing that sustains me is that I have kept a secret for my mother for 30 years. She did something that, if the family knew, would devastate them all. But I kept the secret for her...not for them. I promised her I would never reveal it as long as I lived.

I didn't promise not to reveal the secret after I die. Whether I do that or not...I am undecided.
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Good afternoon, Mycroft. :2wave:

After showing your integrity in keeping a secret for your mother for 30 years, you have shown you have honor. To reveal a secret on your deathbed, or afterwards in a letter or something, would serve what purpose? It would still lessen your mother in their eyes. Is that what you want to do? It comes down to who you are. I believe in Karma, so I hope you think twice before you act, despite the nasty way you have been treated by your brothers. That's their problem to live with, because some secrets are best left untold, IMO. :peace:
 
Man, what a depressing thread. ****.
 
Goshin said:
Next worst was my divorce. There's nothing like being betrayed and left for dead by someone who supposedly loved you more than anyone. Those were both 'watershead' moments in life, for sure.

Until you experience something like it, you don't know ****.
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Bingo.
 
MaggieD said:
Few people "get it" until they have experienced a devastating loss. It could be the death of a loved one...divorce...poor health...business failure...an irrevocable decision...even loss of a job.

A monumental loss knocks the pins right out from under you. Everything you thought you knew about life - about yourself - about who you really are? Dissolves. Crumbles around you.

What you do after that devastating loss defines who you are as a person for the rest of your life.

Have you learned the lesson? What was your loss? How long did it take you to recover?
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In the other thread you started about your mom, I said that you were blessed

I am pleased to see that you understood what I meant.

I believe in the potentially redemptive power of unearned suffering. It is something that guides my life on a daily basis. My parents never stop teaching me

“Suffering and Faith”

My personal trials have also taught me the value of unmerited suffering. As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways that I could respond to my situation: either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course. Recognizing the necessity for suffering I have tried to make of it a virtue. If only to save myself from bitterness, I have attempted to see my personal ordeals as an opportunity to transform myself and heal the people involved in the tragic situation which now obtains. I have lived these last few years with the conviction that unearned suffering is redemptive.

There are some who still find the cross a stumbling block, and others consider it foolishness, but I am more convinced than ever before that it is the power of God unto social and individual salvation. So like the Apostle Paul I can now humbly yet proudly say, “I bear in my body the marks of the Lord Jesus.”4 The suffering and agonizing moments through which I have passed over the last few years have also drawn me closer to God. More than ever before I am convinced of the reality of a personal God.
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sangha said:
In the other thread you started about your mom, I said that you were blessed

I am pleased to see that you understood what I meant.

I believe in the potentially redemptive power of unearned suffering. It is something that guides my life on a daily basis. My parents never stop teaching me

“Suffering and Faith”
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Ya' know, Sanga. I completely agree with you. I am so so at peace with what's happening. Mom is happy (we're both blessed). Pain free. (we're both blessed) And her journey will be peaceful if there's anything I can do to control that. And I know I can't.

Today, she had an Ensure with a banana for breakfast. For lunch, she had two strips of bacon and a few McDonald's apple slices that my cousin brought. (I made her two scrambled eggs with half-and-half. She didn't touch those. And she likes eggs.) She's had some cranberry juice. I've given her three strips of bacon (her favorite) and oatmeal with cinnamon and apples for dinner, along with some more apple slices. She's eaten 2 of the bacon strips and half of the apple slices. I remind her. But I'm not nagging her. Her body is speaking loud and clear. I'm willing to listen and be quiet in the knowledge that I'm doing all I can do. She won't be here a moment longer than she wants. I'm okay with that. Peaceful, in fact.

This thread has been a cathartic experience for me. I get to voice my inner-most thoughts with no judgment. Thank you all for that.
 
MaggieD said:
Few people "get it" until they have experienced a devastating loss. It could be the death of a loved one...divorce...poor health...business failure...an irrevocable decision...even loss of a job.

A monumental loss knocks the pins right out from under you. Everything you thought you knew about life - about yourself - about who you really are? Dissolves. Crumbles around you.

What you do after that devastating loss defines who you are as a person for the rest of your life.

Have you learned the lesson? What was your loss? How long did it take you to recover?
Click to expand...

I would say my biggest loss was at the beginning of the year, a divorce. In some ways, I am still recovering, I think. My mind tends to dwell on how to get back what I lost (in another form and with another person of course) more than it should, in my opinion.

I learned a few lessons:
1. Always look to yourself and your own happiness first. (this was my critical mistake and why the loss was so devastating)
2. Be patient in life (even though, I will probably never truly learn this, I am the least patient person I know and I think its just the way I am wired)
3. Things can look absolutely horrible now but you WILL look back and realize hard times are normal thing that everyone goes through at some point and almost all of us manage to get through it.
4. There is always a song playing on pandora that matches my mood and perspective (which is absofreakinglutely weird, but it seems to keep happening)
5. Stop measuring yourself by stuff and/or accomplishments there are more important things
6. Most people aren't whole and are in a personal emotional hell of some kind

I guess the question is, will I ever stop learning lessons from it?

Look to the future, hang on to your passions even if its for dear life, and be nice to everyone because it often gets repaid when you need it.
 
tacomancer said:
I would say my biggest loss was at the beginning of the year, a divorce. In some ways, I am still recovering, I think. My mind tends to dwell on how to get back what I lost (in another form and with another person of course) more than it should, in my opinion.

I learned a few lessons:
1. Always look to yourself and your own happiness first. (this was my critical mistake and why the loss was so devastating)
2. Be patient in life (even though, I will probably never truly learn this, I am the least patient person I know and I think its just the way I am wired)
3. Things can look absolutely horrible now but you WILL look back and realize hard times are normal thing that everyone goes through at some point and almost all of us manage to get through it.
4. There is always a song playing on pandora that matches my mood and perspective (which is absofreakinglutely weird, but it seems to keep happening)
5. Stop measuring yourself by stuff and/or accomplishments there are more important things
6. Most people aren't whole and are in a personal emotional hell of some kind

I guess the question is, will I ever stop learning lessons from it?

Look to the future, hang on to your passions even if its for dear life, and be nice to everyone because it often gets repaid when you need it.
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After my husband died, I think I would have married in a heartbeat if anywhere CLOSE to the right guy happened by. Of course, I wasn't dating, so the odds were . . . none. Ha! But I so desperately wanted my "old life" back that I would have been on a collision course to make the biggest mistake of my life.

You can never get your old life back. We have to learn to make new ones. ;)
 
Mycroft said:
Seven years ago my mother died. It was okay. She lived a long, full life and she was ready to go. Her passing wasn't my loss. My loss was losing my family in the process.

You see, for reasons I won't go into, my brothers didn't want me to see my mother when she was on her deathbed and they didn't want me to attend her memorial or funeral. Since then I haven't seen or spoken to them or their families.

I haven't come to terms with the affair...I've only suppressed it. I hardly think of them anymore and, when I do, the anger is almost uncontrollable. But I always get past it again...for a while.

The one thing that sustains me is that I have kept a secret for my mother for 30 years. She did something that, if the family knew, would devastate them all. But I kept the secret for her...not for them. I promised her I would never reveal it as long as I lived.

I didn't promise not to reveal the secret after I die. Whether I do that or not...I am undecided.
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Two nights ago, I was sitting in my dad's living room and he says "if x, y, z medical things happen to me, I want you to kill me, withhold treatment or something" and your post just made my realize that if I went through with it, how my brother will go berzerk and probably never speak to me again. My mom would understand and be ok with it though.
 
NoC_T said:
Holy ****. I wanna take some of you guys out and party. Damn.
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smiley_bar.gif




;)
 
MaggieD said:
Few people "get it" until they have experienced a devastating loss. It could be the death of a loved one...divorce...poor health...business failure...an irrevocable decision...even loss of a job.

A monumental loss knocks the pins right out from under you. Everything you thought you knew about life - about yourself - about who you really are? Dissolves. Crumbles around you.

What you do after that devastating loss defines who you are as a person for the rest of your life.

Have you learned the lesson? What was your loss? How long did it take you to recover?
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What were my losses? So far, my son, my father, and my husband. I don't know that I will ever fully recover, as those types of losses change you forever, and you are never the same again. You do eventually integrate the loss into your psychological reality, and you do adjust your life somewhat. The loss of my son was devastating, but the loss of my husband was even more so, because when I lost my son, I had my husband to lean on, and he was such a rock solid person that it helped to have him as my refuge. With the loss of my husband, everything was turned upside down, and inside out. Suddenly it was just me, and me alone, and I had never before been alone completely. It has made me stronger in some ways, and more vulnerable in others, and sometimes, I feel like a small boat adrift on the seas. My losses have most definitely made me look at life in a much more serious manner, and appreciate the little things so much more.
 
CanadaJohn said:
Good, decent people become as strong as the challenges placed before them - to do otherwise is to do less than you're capable of.
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That is true to a certain extent, and then there are cases of people who become lost in their grief, and cannot seem to deal with it effectively (that is referred to as "complicated grief"). I don't think it's necessarily that these people aren't strong, good, or decent, but that they just don't know how to cope with the emotional storm which they find themselves in the midst of. Based on interactions I have had with grievers, and it seems that often, people who have had a devastating loss are just so overwhelmed, that they can't function. It isn't a reflection of their decency or goodness, but it seems to indicate that they can't find solid ground and resolve the many conflicts which seem to be a part of losing someone who is essentially a part of their being. Losing someone who is an intricate part of your self-identity is like having an amputation without your consent. It is difficult to rebuild that scarred and bloody self-image.
 
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