Three decades later, I was asked to give back—by going on a USO Tour in 1999 to, among other places, Bosnia and Kosovo. It changed my view of the military. I returned home with nothing but admiration for our troops and their leaders. That's what happens when you go on a USO Tour. There's no way around it.
So, this article—about my recent tour to Iraq and Afghanistan—is not going to be what you might expect from me or from this magazine.
Nevertheless, this is a story of a traveling troupe of "show folk" humbly doing our best to bring a little joy, laughter, music, and Christmas cheer to the men and women who bear the burden of this administration's policies. As I said to every soldier who thanked me for coming, "It's my honor."
WE TOOK OFF from Andrews Air Force Base on a cramped KC-10 (a converted DC-10 that doubles as a cargo and refueling plane) for the 14-hour flight to Kuwait, our first stop. Breckman and I wrote most of the way. The idea was to make this a variety show, a throwback to Bob Hope. After the Army band played a few songs, Karri would take the stage and say a few sincere words of her choosing, then introduce me.
Andy wrote my opening line: "Anybody here from out of town?" Then a couple more quick jokes: "Say, that Army chow isn't sitting well with me. So far I've had five MREs [meals ready-to-eat] and none of them seem to have an exit strategy."
MY BROTHER, Owen, is an expatriate who lives in Paris. You probably couldn't find someone more against the war in Iraq than Owen. But during the trip, he was moved to tears on a number of occasions, and when we dropped him in Germany on the way home, he asked the whole group to sing "God Bless America" one last time. (We ended each show with it.)
It was a doubly emotional trip for both of us. Our mom had died about 10 days before the tour, and it was good that we got to spend this time together. (After it was announced in the press that my mom had died, some guy wrote this review of my latest book on Amazon: "See, if you write mean things about people, your mom might die." Six of 37 people found the review "helpful.") (Trajan - maybe you were one of the six?)
We didn't spend the night at K-2, flying instead to Germany, where awards were given out. I won a Distinguished Civilian Service medal from the secretary of the Army, which I plan to wear whenever I debate a conservative on TV.
We flew home and arrived at Andrews on Christmas Eve. I said goodbye to my fellow show folk and took the shuttle home to New York for Christmas with my family. But I couldn't relate to them. They hadn't been through what I had the last eight days, and they'd never know the hardships I had experienced and the horrors I had witnessed.