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Lawyer jokes!

Billo_Really

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Did you hear about the guy that stood up in a bar and said, "All lawyers are ass-holes!" Another guy stands up and says, "Hey, I resent that!" The first guy responds, "Are you a lawyer?" The second guy responds, "No, I'm an ass-hole!"
 
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ShamMol

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Not funny. Honestly, my entire family is either a lawyer or a doctor. How would you like it? There are honorable attorneys out there and they outnumber those others ones. Think before you type jackhole.
 

Lilith

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I thought it was funny.

I have blonde friends who think blonde jokes are funny.

they are jokes.

not about you, personally.
 

ShamMol

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Lilith said:
I thought it was funny.

I have blonde friends who think blonde jokes are funny.

they are jokes.

not about you, personally.
I take offense at them because being a lawyer can and always will be to me a noble profession.

Stereotyping is wrong. And this is offensive.
 

Naughty Nurse

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I thought it was funny, too.


Don't take life too seriously, or you'll end up with an ulcer. (And as I'm a British nurse that bit of advice won't cost you a penny!).
 

Schweddy

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If one can't laugh at themselves, then what good is it?

'Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.' -- Anonymous


"The professors laugh at themselves, they laugh at life; they long ago abjured the bitch-goddess Success, and the best of them will fight for his scholastic ideals with a courage and persistence that would shame a soldier. The professor is not afraid of words like truth; in fact he is not afraid of words at all." -- Catherine Drinker Bowen
 

Billo_Really

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Ok. Dare I. Here goes another...

Your standing on the bank of a river. Out in front of you, is a lawyer and a politician. And they are both drowning. Now, you have a tough decision to make. Do you: 1. Take a walk. or 2. Take a nap.
 
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Billo_Really

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GET THIS ****ING LAWYER OFF MY ASS!"
In the words of my Govenor, "That's a good one!"
 
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Locke10

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A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back.
"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?"

"I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills."

"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"


Q: What does a lawyer use for birth control?
A: His Personality.
 
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ShamMol

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You know, that joke about personality isn't true at all. I learned so much about picking up women from this one lawyer, lol.
 

ShamMol

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Hey, bass players rule the world. Remember that.
 

Lilith

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The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
 

Lilith

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and an oldie but a goodie...

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish. ;)
 

ShamMol

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What do you call a lawyer?
Someone who owns your asses.

Had to be said, cause you know lawyers run this country!
 

AlbqOwl

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Here's my favorite for 2005:

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh...no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had, no idea"

And the lawyer says, So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the world makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
 

Thorgasm

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galenrox said:
yeah, I always heard that personality joke about bass players.
Hey bass players have tons of personality. my roomate and I both played bass and we saw more tail than the Playboy mansion. lol
 

Thorgasm

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What do you call a 100,000 laywers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!

Do you know why sharks don't attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

Shammol, if you don't like lawyer jokes, don't read them.
 
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