Just need to talk to someone

[ClaraD]

I just found out yesterday, my cancer is back. They found a mass yesterday in my left breast. It is showing hot on the PET scan so it is very probable that it is malignant. I don't know what to do. Right now obviously they will have to do a biopsy and stage the cancer. It is right before Christmas, so my kids nor my mom know. My mother has late-stage emphysema, so I have told no one. I am terrified. I don't know who to talk to and my husband is clearly scared too, but his way of dealing with really bad stuff is pretending it is not happening and I don't want to push things onto him too hard because he was there through the last time and was a trooper. We have decided to tell no one until after the holidays and it is staged. I feel really guilty not telling my family, but I do not want to ruin their Christmas. I feel like just rolling up in a ball and screaming. Sorry, but I just needed to write and feel like I was talking to someone since I have decided to tell no one around me. I was in remission for 4 years. I don't want to die yet, I am only 51 years old.

 

[Parrish]

@ClaraD , I am so sorry. You need to talk to your family. You are too young. Get care ASAP. We need your voice here as well

 

[vegas giants]

I just found out yesterday, my cancer is back. They found a mass yesterday in my left breast. It is showing hot on the PET scan so it is very probable that it is malignant. I don't know what to do. Right now obviously they will have to do a biopsy and stage the cancer. It is right before Christmas, so my kids nor my mom know. My mother has late-stage emphysema, so I have told no one. I am terrified. I don't know who to talk to and my husband is clearly scared too, but his way of dealing with really bad stuff is pretending it is not happening and I don't want to push things onto him too hard because he was there through the last time and was a trooper. We have decided to tell no one until after the holidays and it is staged. I feel really guilty not telling my family, but I do not want to ruin their Christmas. I feel like just rolling up in a ball and screaming. Sorry, but I just needed to write and feel like I was talking to someone since I have decided to tell no one around me. I was in remission for 4 years. I don't want to die yet, I am only 51 years old.

I'm sorry for your situation. That must be very hard. As you know you will certainly have treatment options. There is hope. Focus on what you can control. Take small steps. And if you don't want to share with family members feel no guilt over that. Best of luck to you

 

[anatta]

no advice for you, just *hugs* and wishing the best prognosis

 

[Demon]

I just found out yesterday, my cancer is back. They found a mass yesterday in my left breast. It is showing hot on the PET scan so it is very probable that it is malignant. I don't know what to do. Right now obviously they will have to do a biopsy and stage the cancer. It is right before Christmas, so my kids nor my mom know. My mother has late-stage emphysema, so I have told no one. I am terrified. I don't know who to talk to and my husband is clearly scared too, but his way of dealing with really bad stuff is pretending it is not happening and I don't want to push things onto him too hard because he was there through the last time and was a trooper. We have decided to tell no one until after the holidays and it is staged. I feel really guilty not telling my family, but I do not want to ruin their Christmas. I feel like just rolling up in a ball and screaming. Sorry, but I just needed to write and feel like I was talking to someone since I have decided to tell no one around me. I was in remission for 4 years. I don't want to die yet, I am only 51 years old.

I'm so sorry Clara. I hope that it isn't malignant, and if it is, that they caught it early. Hard to go through Christmas like that.

 

[TheParser]

I join every member (and guest) in expressing the deepest sympathy.

I will not be arrogant enough to give any advice.

I cannot possibly understand the depth of your mental and physical suffering.

My beloved brother died two months ago probably because of a caregiver's mistake.

No one can possibly understand my limitless grief.

 

[Moon]

I just found out yesterday, my cancer is back. They found a mass yesterday in my left breast. It is showing hot on the PET scan so it is very probable that it is malignant. I don't know what to do. Right now obviously they will have to do a biopsy and stage the cancer. It is right before Christmas, so my kids nor my mom know. My mother has late-stage emphysema, so I have told no one. I am terrified. I don't know who to talk to and my husband is clearly scared too, but his way of dealing with really bad stuff is pretending it is not happening and I don't want to push things onto him too hard because he was there through the last time and was a trooper. We have decided to tell no one until after the holidays and it is staged. I feel really guilty not telling my family, but I do not want to ruin their Christmas. I feel like just rolling up in a ball and screaming. Sorry, but I just needed to write and feel like I was talking to someone since I have decided to tell no one around me. I was in remission for 4 years. I don't want to die yet, I am only 51 years old.

So sorry to hear that. Best wishes for you and a million virtual hugs.

 

[pragmatic]

I just found out yesterday, my cancer is back. They found a mass yesterday in my left breast. It is showing hot on the PET scan so it is very probable that it is malignant. I don't know what to do. Right now obviously they will have to do a biopsy and stage the cancer. It is right before Christmas, so my kids nor my mom know. My mother has late-stage emphysema, so I have told no one. I am terrified. I don't know who to talk to and my husband is clearly scared too, but his way of dealing with really bad stuff is pretending it is not happening and I don't want to push things onto him too hard because he was there through the last time and was a trooper. We have decided to tell no one until after the holidays and it is staged. I feel really guilty not telling my family, but I do not want to ruin their Christmas. I feel like just rolling up in a ball and screaming. Sorry, but I just needed to write and feel like I was talking to someone since I have decided to tell no one around me. I was in remission for 4 years. I don't want to die yet, I am only 51 years old.

Do you belong to a church? Even on an occasional basis...?

..

 

[Callen]

I'm so sorry Clara. I had a similar experience and chose not to tell my kids until after I understood the prognosis. When I did tell them they were very hurt that I did not share the info with them earlier so they could support me and comfort me. My daughter asked me how I would feel if she kept her illness from me. Just a thought ......if you need someone to talk to maybe the best listeners are those who love you most.

Wishing you the best possible outcome.

 

[ClaraD]

I join every member (and guest) in expressing the deepest sympathy.

I will not be arrogant enough to give any advice.

I cannot possibly understand the depth of your mental and physical suffering.

My beloved brother died two months ago probably because of a caregiver's mistake.

No one can possibly understand my limitless grief.

I am really, really sorry losing your brother has to be very painful, especially if it was preventable and due to a mistake. It isn't so much advice I need, my doctor is pretty darn good at that. It is just needing someone to listen to me.

 

[ClaraD]

I'm so sorry Clara. I hope that it isn't malignant, and if it is, that they caught it early. Hard to go through Christmas like that.

yeah, it really is and I feel really rotten keeping it from my kids right now. I just want them to enjoy their Christmas, because it is going to be tough after that.

 

[ClaraD]

Do you belong to a church? Even on an occasional basis...?

..

yes, and I clean our church once a week just because I am available to do so. I live in a very, very small community and everyone knows literally everyone here.

 

[BirdinHand]

So many hugs.

I bet they’ll be able to tell something is up/wrong when they talk to you and see you. Our poker faces are never as good as we think they are. If they ask, consider telling them the truth.

So many hugs.

 

[ClaraD]

I'm so sorry Clara. I had a similar experience and chose not to tell my kids until after I understood the prognosis. When I did tell them they were very hurt that I did not share the info with them earlier so they could support me and comfort me. My daughter asked me how I would feel if she kept her illness from me. Just a thought ......if you need someone to talk to maybe the best listeners are those who love you most.

Wishing you the best possible outcome.

I am hearing you. Normally, I would just spill the beans. My difficulty is mostly the time of year and like you probably, not wanting to terrify them if it is not as bad as it seems.

 

[Callen]

I get it.....I really do.

 

[Lethargic Aptitude]

I just found out yesterday, my cancer is back. They found a mass yesterday in my left breast. It is showing hot on the PET scan so it is very probable that it is malignant. I don't know what to do. Right now obviously they will have to do a biopsy and stage the cancer. It is right before Christmas, so my kids nor my mom know. My mother has late-stage emphysema, so I have told no one. I am terrified. I don't know who to talk to and my husband is clearly scared too, but his way of dealing with really bad stuff is pretending it is not happening and I don't want to push things onto him too hard because he was there through the last time and was a trooper. We have decided to tell no one until after the holidays and it is staged. I feel really guilty not telling my family, but I do not want to ruin their Christmas. I feel like just rolling up in a ball and screaming. Sorry, but I just needed to write and feel like I was talking to someone since I have decided to tell no one around me. I was in remission for 4 years. I don't want to die yet, I am only 51 years old.

This is something that you should not do alone. Speaking from knowledge as a cancer survivor myself. You need support.

This really tugs on my heart since I lost my Mother to COPD.,, Please tell someone close to you an actual friend so they can help you. I know this seems like a death sentence but you can hit remission again.

Sending love.

 

[Kelby]

yes, and I clean our church once a week just because I am available to do so. I live in a very, very small community and everyone knows literally everyone here.

Are there professional counselors in your area? I'm sure your insurance would pick up most of the costs of seeing someone now at this critical time.

 

[TXNormalGOP]

I just found out yesterday, my cancer is back. They found a mass yesterday in my left breast. It is showing hot on the PET scan so it is very probable that it is malignant. I don't know what to do. Right now obviously they will have to do a biopsy and stage the cancer. It is right before Christmas, so my kids nor my mom know. My mother has late-stage emphysema, so I have told no one. I am terrified. I don't know who to talk to and my husband is clearly scared too, but his way of dealing with really bad stuff is pretending it is not happening and I don't want to push things onto him too hard because he was there through the last time and was a trooper. We have decided to tell no one until after the holidays and it is staged. I feel really guilty not telling my family, but I do not want to ruin their Christmas. I feel like just rolling up in a ball and screaming. Sorry, but I just needed to write and feel like I was talking to someone since I have decided to tell no one around me. I was in remission for 4 years. I don't want to die yet, I am only 51 years old.

Your doctors can put you in touch with counselors you can speak with. Don't worry about when to tell anyone. Worry about JUST YOU right now. I know you and your husband are making sure you have all the care you need.

Bless you and be well!

 

[noonereal]

I just found out yesterday, my cancer is back. They found a mass yesterday in my left breast. It is showing hot on the PET scan so it is very probable that it is malignant. I don't know what to do. Right now obviously they will have to do a biopsy and stage the cancer. It is right before Christmas, so my kids nor my mom know. My mother has late-stage emphysema, so I have told no one. I am terrified. I don't know who to talk to and my husband is clearly scared too, but his way of dealing with really bad stuff is pretending it is not happening and I don't want to push things onto him too hard because he was there through the last time and was a trooper. We have decided to tell no one until after the holidays and it is staged. I feel really guilty not telling my family, but I do not want to ruin their Christmas. I feel like just rolling up in a ball and screaming. Sorry, but I just needed to write and feel like I was talking to someone since I have decided to tell no one around me. I was in remission for 4 years. I don't want to die yet, I am only 51 years old.

My sincere well wishes I send you.

You said you cancer was back. Do you feel like sharing a bit about your earlier struggles? What kind of treatments, how long ago?

I too have cancer, every six months I hold my breath to see if it's returned.

 

[Josie]

Sorry to hear that, @ClaraD.

 

[Daisy]

So sorry, @ClaraD...I assume since you've been diagnosed before, the Dr keeps close tabs on you so hopefully they've caught it early...I have found that, with most things in life, the anticipation is far worse than actually dealing with the outcome...hang in there...

 

[PoS]

I just found out yesterday, my cancer is back. They found a mass yesterday in my left breast. It is showing hot on the PET scan so it is very probable that it is malignant. I don't know what to do. Right now obviously they will have to do a biopsy and stage the cancer. It is right before Christmas, so my kids nor my mom know. My mother has late-stage emphysema, so I have told no one. I am terrified. I don't know who to talk to and my husband is clearly scared too, but his way of dealing with really bad stuff is pretending it is not happening and I don't want to push things onto him too hard because he was there through the last time and was a trooper. We have decided to tell no one until after the holidays and it is staged. I feel really guilty not telling my family, but I do not want to ruin their Christmas. I feel like just rolling up in a ball and screaming. Sorry, but I just needed to write and feel like I was talking to someone since I have decided to tell no one around me. I was in remission for 4 years. I don't want to die yet, I am only 51 years old.

Hang in there, youre gonna be fine.

 

[americanwoman]

I just found out yesterday, my cancer is back. They found a mass yesterday in my left breast. It is showing hot on the PET scan so it is very probable that it is malignant. I don't know what to do. Right now obviously they will have to do a biopsy and stage the cancer. It is right before Christmas, so my kids nor my mom know. My mother has late-stage emphysema, so I have told no one. I am terrified. I don't know who to talk to and my husband is clearly scared too, but his way of dealing with really bad stuff is pretending it is not happening and I don't want to push things onto him too hard because he was there through the last time and was a trooper. We have decided to tell no one until after the holidays and it is staged. I feel really guilty not telling my family, but I do not want to ruin their Christmas. I feel like just rolling up in a ball and screaming. Sorry, but I just needed to write and feel like I was talking to someone since I have decided to tell no one around me. I was in remission for 4 years. I don't want to die yet, I am only 51 years old.

I'm sorry Clara.

Speaking personally, it would not ruin my Christmas it would only make it more precious especially since in the past someone hadn't told me the depths of what they were going through and it makes me wish I had known because it would have made all the minutes count more and I could have spent more even time with them at Christmas.

And if you need to scream, I am all for that. Let it out, maybe even go smash some stuff. Whatever you need to do.

 

[ClaraD]

My sincere well wishes I send you.

You said you cancer was back. Do you feel like sharing a bit about your earlier struggles? What kind of treatments, how long ago?

I too have cancer, every six months I hold my breath to see if it's returned.

I do not mind sharing. Yes, I have always held my breath, each and every time. I was in Houston during Hurricane Harvey. We lost our townhouse, but the hurricane is what led to my first cancer diagnosis. The evaluation at the stadium was where they found a tumor in my throat. I had cancer invading my lymph nodes and thyroid. It was a moderately aggressive cancer. Jan 2018, they operated and removed the tumor, my thyroid and a whole lot of lymph nodes that were destroyed by cancer. They didn't see any other areas, afterward that had cancer activity. However, they did do the radioactive iodine therapy. That was rough on me. Unlike lots of people, I did not do well and was in the hospital in isolation for 3 days. I tried to stand after the therapy and fell to the ground, like a rock.
After that, the next year was spent trying to get my thyroid levels to a suppressed level, to keep the cancer from coming back and of course to keep me alive. I started out on Synthroid, then Synthroid and Cytomel then they changed me to generic levothyroxine 125 and liothyronine 25. That has worked best for me for about a year now. However, after my last visit, it seems thyroid is screwed up again and the mass in my left breast.

I hope all women here get checked. Of course early is better and age is irrelevant, everyone should get an exam and after certain age get a mammogram.

I hadn't posted over the past few days, because I have been dealing with Liberty Mutual. It hasn't been a bad experience with them overall. My husband was hit by a man who swerved to avoid a deer. The guy admitted fault and called his insurance. He was afraid someone was hurt. Fortunately, no one was hurt on either side. Both our truck (Dodge 1500 SLT Hemi 4x4) and his truck a (Ford F150 4x4) are totaled. Today, the insurance company mailed us the check. It didn't take long for them to determine both were totaled(24 hours). We were due to make our last payment on our truck this month. So we only owed $643.04 on the truck....so, now we are truck shopping, I guess. We are keeping the truck though and they are reducing the total loss by $450. I was grateful that night though, because our community is small and everyone was out there waiting and waiting on Highway Patrol (took them 2 hours to get there) and everyone took turns trying to get our truck out of the woods. They ended up having to get permission from the owner of the property to cut trees to get it out. Our guys took a chainsaw as well as the neighbor and quickly turned trees into logs. They went back the next day and split it into firewood to take to the property owner.

I am thinking about what all is going on and I will sit down and talk to my mom and kids. I just don't have all of the answers and hope they understand that.

 

[TheParser]

I do not mind sharing. Yes, I have always held my breath, each and every time. I was in Houston during Hurricane Harvey. We lost our townhouse, but the hurricane is what led to my first cancer diagnosis. The evaluation at the stadium was where they found a tumor in my throat. I had cancer invading my lymph nodes and thyroid. It was a moderately aggressive cancer. Jan 2018, they operated and removed the tumor, my thyroid and a whole lot of lymph nodes that were destroyed by cancer. They didn't see any other areas, afterward that had cancer activity. However, they did do the radioactive iodine therapy. That was rough on me. Unlike lots of people, I did not do well and was in the hospital in isolation for 3 days. I tried to stand after the therapy and fell to the ground, like a rock.
After that, the next year was spent trying to get my thyroid levels to a suppressed level, to keep the cancer from coming back and of course to keep me alive. I started out on Synthroid, then Synthroid and Cytomel then they changed me to generic levothyroxine 125 and liothyronine 25. That has worked best for me for about a year now. However, after my last visit, it seems thyroid is screwed up again and the mass in my left breast.

I hope all women here get checked. Of course early is better and age is irrelevant, everyone should get an exam and after certain age get a mammogram.

I hadn't posted over the past few days, because I have been dealing with Liberty Mutual. It hasn't been a bad experience with them overall. My husband was hit by a man who swerved to avoid a deer. The guy admitted fault and called his insurance. He was afraid someone was hurt. Fortunately, no one was hurt on either side. Both our truck (Dodge 1500 SLT Hemi 4x4) and his truck a (Ford F150 4x4) are totaled. Today, the insurance company mailed us the check. It didn't take long for them to determine both were totaled(24 hours). We were due to make our last payment on our truck this month. So we only owed $643.04 on the truck....so, now we are truck shopping, I guess. We are keeping the truck though and they are reducing the total loss by $450. I was grateful that night though, because our community is small and everyone was out there waiting and waiting on Highway Patrol (took them 2 hours to get there) and everyone took turns trying to get our truck out of the woods. They ended up having to get permission from the owner of the property to cut trees to get it out. Our guys took a chainsaw as well as the neighbor and quickly turned trees into logs. They went back the next day and split it into firewood to take to the property owner.

I am thinking about what all is going on and I will sit down and talk to my mom and kids. I just don't have all of the answers and hope they understand that.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

I was on the verge of tears.

You are certainly a strong person.

I hope you have a nice Christmas with your family and a healthy New Year.