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jokes about kissing on the lips

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guillermojf

waiting till marriage
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Give me jokes about kissing. The kissing is specifically kissing on the lips. All of this is somewhat satire. I wanted to share funnier jokes, but this is a Christian website.

If you have no idea of what a kissing joke is, here are two starting categories. I may add more categories later.

Categories:
1. Kissing a known cannibal
2. Paid kisses

No jokes should be written solely to offend or attack any DP member. No hate messages: check the forum rules about hate messages and such. Also the jokes are focused on the act of kissing, not the actors.

Example jokes:
Some stranger was offering free kisses. Turns out that the cost was really my immune system.

My date made me turn off my home security system
else we couldn't kiss.

I was wheelchair-bound,
kissing a cannibal
who suddenly brandished a knife,
so I tried to roll away.

Inspired by a soup kitchen, a woman opened a kiss kitchen
donating Herpes to the old and the sick.

My paid kisser was the apple of my eye
that gave the herpes of my eye.

A cannibal always bites my tongue
when we kiss.

A woman said she had freckles
when I paid her to kiss me.
Then I had freckles too,
until my STI doctor confirmed I did not.

I paid 500$ for a kiss,
which was a milligram of Syphilis.

After kissing,
a cannibal said that I was eye candy.
Then she took a fork and went for my eye.

A cannibal said I couldn't kiss her
unless she bound me on a bed
near a human-sized oven.
 
guillermojf said:
Give me jokes about kissing. The kissing is specifically kissing on the lips. All of this is somewhat satire. I wanted to share funnier jokes, but this is a Christian website.

If you have no idea of what a kissing joke is, here are two starting categories. I may add more categories later.

Categories:
1. Kissing a known cannibal
2. Paid kisses

No jokes should be written solely to offend or attack any DP member. No hate messages: check the forum rules about hate messages and such. Also the jokes are focused on the act of kissing, not the actors.

Example jokes:
Some stranger was offering free kisses. Turns out that the cost was really my immune system.

My date made me turn off my home security system
else we couldn't kiss.

I was wheelchair-bound,
kissing a cannibal
who suddenly brandished a knife,
so I tried to roll away.

Inspired by a soup kitchen, a woman opened a kiss kitchen
donating Herpes to the old and the sick.

My paid kisser was the apple of my eye
that gave the herpes of my eye.

A cannibal always bites my tongue
when we kiss.

A woman said she had freckles
when I paid her to kiss me.
Then I had freckles too,
until my STI doctor confirmed I did not.

I paid 500$ for a kiss,
which was a milligram of Syphilis.

After kissing,
a cannibal said that I was eye candy.
Then she took a fork and went for my eye.

A cannibal said I couldn't kiss her
unless she bound me on a bed
near a human-sized oven.
Click to expand...
You need a new joke writer. Badly.
 
After I vommited,
my paid kisser demanded I pay extra
because her kiss included some of her last night's dinner.

My paid kisser has bleeding gums,
that she claims is lipstick.
 
Over the lips, past the gums, look out tongue here it comes!

giphy.gif
 
guillermojf said:
I wanted to share funnier jokes, but this is a Christian website.
Click to expand...
Whoops. I left that in my post by accident. I posted this thread on a Christian website before here.

Here are some more jokes:

The best paid kiss was
when my paid kisser
vomitted in my mouth.

After paying for a kiss,
I got a severe fever with sore throat.
My paid kisser says it's love fever.

A cannibal was imprisoned:
20 years for strangulation.
While anticipating her kiss
with her hands around my neck,
I was dying to kiss her
who soon took my breath away.
The kiss was near unforgettable,
had it not came with brain damage.

A cannibal kissed me,
then wanted me to chase her
in a forest of her bear traps.

My paid kisser spat in my eye
because I didn't pay tip.

After leaving a bad review online
for a paid kisser,
she falsely accused me of forcible kissing.

After kissing a cannibal,
my chained self realized
"Beds are my slaughterhouse"
was not a flirt.
 
guillermojf said:
Whoops. I left that in my post by accident. I posted this thread on a Christian website before here.

Here are some more jokes:

The best paid kiss was
when my paid kisser
vomitted in my mouth.

After paying for a kiss,
I got a severe fever with sore throat.
My paid kisser says it's love fever.

A cannibal was imprisoned:
20 years for strangulation.
While anticipating her kiss
with her hands around my neck,
I was dying to kiss her
who soon took my breath away.
The kiss was near unforgettable,
had it not came with brain damage.

A cannibal kissed me,
then wanted me to chase her
in a forest of her bear traps.

My paid kisser spat in my eye
because I didn't pay tip.

After leaving a bad review online
for a paid kisser,
she falsely accused me of forcible kissing.

After kissing a cannibal,
my chained self realized
"Beds are my slaughterhouse"
was not a flirt.
Click to expand...

The last one was funny. The rest, not so much.
 
I paid someone to kiss me:
It was so cool
when her boyfriend locked me in a freezer.

I paid someone to kiss me
when her boyfriend found out,
I had to leave the country.

I paid a woman to kiss me
who told me she was born male.
Now I'm not sure if I'm gay.

I paid someone to kiss me last night.
Then the next morning
I couldn't find my wallet.

I paid someone to kiss me.
Then she asked if she can get more money
for kissing my dog
and my 4-year old boy.

After paying someone for a kiss,
she told me she only gave me a lipstick stain,
but my STI doctor confirmed it was not.

An STI nurse gave me a free kiss,
but now I am paying her for STI treatment.

Someone put a gun to my head
and told me to kiss a woman
but I said "No.
A bullet is better than HBV liver failure."

When the pizza deliverywoman arrived,
she offered a kiss for some of my pizza.
I kindly declined and then reported her.

I got a text from a random woman
telling me to come over for some discount kisses.
I answered, "Feel free to sell those kisses in jail."

I paid someone to kiss me.
I offered her a bible
but she said it will burn her hands.

I paid someone to kiss me.
I tried to convince her to come to church
but she said she was allergic to the truth.

Someone asked, "Why I wear a bag over my head
when getting a paid kiss?"
I answered, "I'm trying to dodge herpes."
 
I paid someone for a kiss.
Now I have herpes on my lips.

Someone offered a free kiss
and took a photo.
Then I was falsely convicted for forcible kissing.

I paid someone for a kiss.
Then I had to register as an offender.

A cannibal wanted to kiss me,
so I lied and said "I'm sixteen."
She finally backed away.

After kissing someone who looked like a woman,
she whispered in my ear,
"Now you know how to kiss a man."
 
The fountains mingle with the river
And the rivers with the ocean,
The winds of heaven mix for ever
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single,
All things by a law divine
In one another's being mingle—
Why not I with thine?

See the mountains kiss high heaven,
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister-flower would be forgiven
If it disdain'd its brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea—
What are all these kissings worth
If thou kiss not me?
- Percy Byshe Shelley

I'm outa here.
 
Part of me wants just a tiny peek inside this guy's house...you know, like when you watch an episode of Hoarders?
 
guillermojf said:
Give me jokes about kissing. The kissing is specifically kissing on the lips. All of this is somewhat satire. I wanted to share funnier jokes, but this is a Christian website.

If you have no idea of what a kissing joke is, here are two starting categories. I may add more categories later.

Categories:
1. Kissing a known cannibal
2. Paid kisses

No jokes should be written solely to offend or attack any DP member. No hate messages: check the forum rules about hate messages and such. Also the jokes are focused on the act of kissing, not the actors.

Example jokes:
Some stranger was offering free kisses. Turns out that the cost was really my immune system.

My date made me turn off my home security system
else we couldn't kiss.

I was wheelchair-bound,
kissing a cannibal
who suddenly brandished a knife,
so I tried to roll away.

Inspired by a soup kitchen, a woman opened a kiss kitchen
donating Herpes to the old and the sick.

My paid kisser was the apple of my eye
that gave the herpes of my eye.

A cannibal always bites my tongue
when we kiss.

A woman said she had freckles
when I paid her to kiss me.
Then I had freckles too,
until my STI doctor confirmed I did not.

I paid 500$ for a kiss,
which was a milligram of Syphilis.

After kissing,
a cannibal said that I was eye candy.
Then she took a fork and went for my eye.

A cannibal said I couldn't kiss her
unless she bound me on a bed
near a human-sized oven.
Click to expand...
Is this supposed to be funny or something, because this is some deeply disturbing shit.
 
armycowboy said:
Is this supposed to be funny or something, because this is some deeply disturbing shit.
Click to expand...

I did like this one

"After kissing a cannibal,
my chained self realized
"Beds are my slaughterhouse"
was not a flirt."

But yeah lots of very strange stuff.
 
PirateMk1 said:
You need a new joke writer. Badly.
Click to expand...
guillermojf said:
Give me jokes about kissing. The kissing is specifically kissing on the lips. All of this is somewhat satire. I wanted to share funnier jokes, but this is a Christian website.

If you have no idea of what a kissing joke is, here are two starting categories. I may add more categories later.

Categories:
1. Kissing a known cannibal
2. Paid kisses

No jokes should be written solely to offend or attack any DP member. No hate messages: check the forum rules about hate messages and such. Also the jokes are focused on the act of kissing, not the actors.

Example jokes:
Some stranger was offering free kisses. Turns out that the cost was really my immune system.

My date made me turn off my home security system
else we couldn't kiss.

I was wheelchair-bound,
kissing a cannibal
who suddenly brandished a knife,
so I tried to roll away.

Inspired by a soup kitchen, a woman opened a kiss kitchen
donating Herpes to the old and the sick.

My paid kisser was the apple of my eye
that gave the herpes of my eye.

A cannibal always bites my tongue
when we kiss.

A woman said she had freckles
when I paid her to kiss me.
Then I had freckles too,
until my STI doctor confirmed I did not.

I paid 500$ for a kiss,
which was a milligram of Syphilis.

After kissing,
a cannibal said that I was eye candy.
Then she took a fork and went for my eye.

A cannibal said I couldn't kiss her
unless she bound me on a bed
near a human-sized oven.
Click to expand...
Dude, just go get laid already.

 
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