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Joke page Political or just funny put them here.

I used to think Jesus was a Scot. He went out an a Friday and got hammered, and didn't rise till Sunday! Then I realised it couldn't be true, or the Last Supper would have been wrapped in newspaper and smelled of vinegar!
(Fish and chips!)
 
One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap .
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, " Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies , (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to write you up a ticket. "
"For reading a book," she replies.
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area ," he informs her again ."
"But officer, I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
" Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine."
" If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman."
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden .
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he immediately departed.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
 
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside
And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue,
curse the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play,
it's not a dumb-ass decision or that the coach is a shithead is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”
May be an image of 3 people, people standing, people playing sports and text







https://www.facebook.com/EDOG35?__c...wj9loB1MXG_-sSPsNfYlSNFkGMK5BMQ&__tn__=<<,P-R
 
MY uncle Eric died recently. He was found naked with a belt around his neck and a dildo in his rear end. The vicar said he'd always be remembered for his charity work.
WRONG!
 
May be an image of 3 people, people standing and text


At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside, and asked,
"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy."
Do you understand what matters are whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire,
or call him a jerk. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play,
it's not a stupid decision or that the coach is a butt head is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good!", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!”
 
Three women in the gynecologist's office. The first one says, "I'm going to have a boy, because I was on top.
The second replied, "Well, I'm having a girl, because I was on the bottom.
The third started crying. "What's wrong? they ask.
"I think I might have a puppy" came the reply.
 
There was a brave fellow named Gere,
Who hadn't an atom of fear.
He indulged a desire
To touch a live wire,
And any last line will do here.
 
Inside every black hole in the universe is a little person with a flashlight looking for a breaker box.
 
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By winds that had left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along...
And unless we are wrong,
You thought the next line would be lewd.
 
BadThingsToHearOnADrivingTest

"When I slap the dashboard with my forehead, I'd like you to crawl out the wreckage & get help!"
 
One day in the future, Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell for lying, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who
weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

'No,' Obama said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Barney Frank with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. There in this in this room everyone is standing waist deep in pig droppings and this is better than all the other options so the Obama says okay I'll take this room. So the devil says okay points to guy and says you can go. Obama jump in. Obama jumps in up to his waist and says to the guy next to him. Hey except for the smell this ain't that bad. Just then a whistle goes off and over a PA system Obama hears. "Alright break time is over everybody back on your heads".

The devil smiled and says . . . . . (This is priceless)
I'm guessing you're single. Am I right?
 
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, ‘Stop -Acts 2:38!'

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, ‘Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you.’ ‘Scripture?’ replied the burglar, ‘She said she had an AXE and two 38’s!’


For those who are interested: Acts 2:38 - Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.
 
FteNso1WIAAt3Y_
 
What is this thread doing on page 3?
Time for some dad humor.



What do you get if you clone a Buccaneer?
A pirate copy!

If you are suffering from cleptomania, there are pills you can take.

What do you get if you breed federal employees and navy seals?
Killer snails!

"Dad? why does it take so long to the clean the cellar windows?"
"Don't be silly, girl. Obviously it's going to take some time to dig the holes for the ladder."

An older getleman arrives at the emergency room covered in bruises and scratches.
The nurse says: "I just need a few details, sir. Are you married?"
"No, I just fell off the ladder while cleaning my windows."

"Hey dad, look at that cool boat!"
"That's not a boat, son. That's a yacht."
"A yacht? How do you spell that?"
"Actually, now that I've had a closer look, it's a boat after all."

129% of all people think that inflation is getting out of control.
 
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A man was involved in a fatal automobile accident and found himself standing in front of the pearly gates.

St. Peter greeted him and said, "In order to get into heaven, you have to spell a word.”

“Okay," replied the man, "what's the word?" “You have to spell the word love," replied St Peter. “Why that's easy, the man responded, “l-o-v-e."

"Welcome," said St Peter, "you may enter, but first, would you do me a favor? I have to do an errand and I will only be gone a very short time. Would you please take my post here until I return? Whenever someone comes here, do the same thing I did with you. Ask them to spell the word love. If they are able to do that, welcome them to heaven. If they are unable, send them to the other place.

"The man was at the gate for about ten minutes when his wife greeted him.

Why are you here?" he asked.

“Well," she replied, "when news of your accident reached me, I had a heart attack and died. But why are you standing here by this gate?” she asked.

"I'm substituting for St. Peter for a little while until he completes an errand," he said, "and I have to ask each person to spell a word in order to enter this place."

"What's the word?" she inquired.

“Czechoslovakia,” he said.
 
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