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jealousy

Medusa

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neither hold the rope too tight nor loosen it in my opinion.if she he respects you and your relationship ,he wont do anything wrong that will hurt you and cause you to lose your trust in him .l believe İ have the right to ask him to stop seeing a disturbing friend (!) as long as he she is not one of his best friends whom he has known for years.this is not jealousy .this is realism .if he really loves you ,he will understand why you feel this way .there are some responsilibities we have to carry in a relationship.if he will keep doing whatever he wants no need to waste my time.

in addition ,l was betrayed too but it didnt prevent me from staying reasonable and confident .l dont check any phone to discover any probable betrayal,nor l need the feel to know any internet password .if l cant trust him l already leave him .





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People who feel secure and like themselves tend to be less jealous of others and less possessive of their partners, while those who have experienced abandonment or betrayal in their lives can become overwhelmed with jealousy. As children, they may have felt abandoned when their parents divorced, or they may have had parents who were emotionally unavailable. Or when they were growing up, they saw infidelity, so they may fear that their partners will always cheat, even if they have no cause to feel this way.

Jealousy is a way to exert control in a relationship. For example, many women will try to prevent their husbands from seeing or talking to certain people. This is not only impossible, but it can also be smothering. Sadly, many women live in fear that their husbands will stray and feel threatened when he spends time with his guy friends. Some women are even jealous of their husbands’ jobs, because when they’re not at home they’re not spending time attending to them. (Men can be jealous for the very same reasons.) What drives this insatiable jealousy? Insecurity! It is the woman’s belief if her husband, or partner, is not thinking of her every moment, then he doesn’t love her as much as she loves him. She feels vulnerable and afraid of being hurt or abandoned.

There are two different views about the both the origins of jealousy and the different ways men and women experience jealousy. One school of thought is that jealousy is an adaptive evolutionary mechanism. Researchers in this camp have found that men tend to be more jealous about sexual infidelity, whereas women are more disturbed by emotional infidelity. Their reasoning is that men needed to know that their efforts to feed and protect their mates actually propagated their genes and not some other man’s. Women, on the other hand, needed to hold onto a man’s emotional love in order to be fed, protected, and sheltered.




Jealousy: Is it the same for men and women? - today > health - today > health > relationships - TODAY.com
 

NoC_T

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Jealousy pwns. A great leveller of unchecked ego. You go too long without a reality check, and you're apt to believe you're in some way possessed of something unprecedented. That never ends well.

Self-doubt may be uncomfortable, but supreme confidence is a joke. Better by far a timely bruise than a long delayed fracture.
 

Goshin

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Your mate either will or won't stray, and being jealous and possessive and paranoid certainly won't help... it is more likely to damage the relationship.


Jealousy is useless.

However, blind ignorance is not the right course either.... and no one likes being made a fool of. Do your thing, enjoy what you've got, don't let jealousy drive you... but do keep your eyes open and if you see signs of infidelity, do investigate same. The signs are well known btw, 90% of the time you'll see them if you keep your eyes and mind open.
 

joko104

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Being protective and being jealous are 2 entirely different emotions and goals.

Jealousy is always destruction and nothing ever good comes from it.
 

RGacky3

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Being protective and being jealous are 2 entirely different emotions and goals.

Jealousy is always destruction and nothing ever good comes from it.
It depends what you mean by jealousy ... I think justified jealousy is impossible to avoid with authentic love, i.e. that when justified jealousy comes, if you see the girl you're in love with flirt, or get flirted with by another man, and you're not jealous, you're not in love.

Or jealous in the sense of demanding exclusivity ... if you love someone but don't demand anything exlclusive from them, you're not in love.
 

joko104

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It depends what you mean by jealousy ... I think justified jealousy is impossible to avoid with authentic love, i.e. that when justified jealousy comes, if you see the girl you're in love with flirt, or get flirted with by another man, and you're not jealous, you're not in love.

Or jealous in the sense of demanding exclusivity ... if you love someone but don't demand anything exlclusive from them, you're not in love.
I don't think that's love. It is possessiveness due to insecurity.
 

OscarB63

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I don't get jealous...I get even ;)
 

MaggieD

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neither hold the rope too tight nor loosen it in my opinion.if she he respects you and your relationship ,he wont do anything wrong that will hurt you and cause you to lose your trust in him .l believe İ have the right to ask him to stop seeing a disturbing friend (!) as long as he she is not one of his best friends whom he has known for years.this is not jealousy .this is realism .if he really loves you ,he will understand why you feel this way .there are some responsilibities we have to carry in a relationship.if he will keep doing whatever he wants no need to waste my time.

in addition ,l was betrayed too but it didnt prevent me from staying reasonable and confident .l dont check any phone to discover any probable betrayal,nor l need the feel to know any internet password .if l cant trust him l already leave him .

People who feel secure and like themselves tend to be less jealous of others and less possessive of their partners, while those who have experienced abandonment or betrayal in their lives can become overwhelmed with jealousy. As children, they may have felt abandoned when their parents divorced, or they may have had parents who were emotionally unavailable. Or when they were growing up, they saw infidelity, so they may fear that their partners will always cheat, even if they have no cause to feel this way.

Jealousy is a way to exert control in a relationship. For example, many women will try to prevent their husbands from seeing or talking to certain people. This is not only impossible, but it can also be smothering. Sadly, many women live in fear that their husbands will stray and feel threatened when he spends time with his guy friends. Some women are even jealous of their husbands’ jobs, because when they’re not at home they’re not spending time attending to them. (Men can be jealous for the very same reasons.) What drives this insatiable jealousy? Insecurity! It is the woman’s belief if her husband, or partner, is not thinking of her every moment, then he doesn’t love her as much as she loves him. She feels vulnerable and afraid of being hurt or abandoned.

There are two different views about the both the origins of jealousy and the different ways men and women experience jealousy. One school of thought is that jealousy is an adaptive evolutionary mechanism. Researchers in this camp have found that men tend to be more jealous about sexual infidelity, whereas women are more disturbed by emotional infidelity. Their reasoning is that men needed to know that their efforts to feed and protect their mates actually propagated their genes and not some other man’s. Women, on the other hand, needed to hold onto a man’s emotional love in order to be fed, protected, and sheltered.
That bolded sentence? Speak for yourself. ;) That's old school and weak.

To my knowledge, no man has ever cheated on me. And, most certainly, no man would ever cheat twice because he'd be out at the curb first time around. When Tommy Boy and I met 13 years ago, I told him right up front I wasn't "in" for drama. I don't like it. Won't tolerate it. Life is too damned short. If a guy isn't bringing me joy, what the hell do I need him for?
 

NoC_T

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Being protective and being jealous are 2 entirely different emotions and goals.

Jealousy is always destruction and nothing ever good comes from it.
Neither are emotions, nor is jealousy a goal. It's an expression of insecurity.
 

ChrisL

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Jealousy is a perfectly normal human emotion. It's a problem when you find you are jealous about everything and everyone, or you find yourself jealous of your partner over completely innocent situations. It all relates to a fear of losing something that you love or care about.

Anyone who says they aren't or have never been jealous is simply LYING! ;)

HowStuffWorks "How Jealousy Works"
 

JC Callender

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I think it helps to forge relationships with trustworthy people too, that can help avoid jealousy. And of course being trustworthy ourselves helps. Most jealous guys I've known are the worst cheaters.

Jealousy is a perfectly normal human emotion. It's a problem when you find you are jealous about everything and everyone, or you find yourself jealous of your partner over completely innocent situations. It all relates to a fear of losing something that you love or care about.

Anyone who says they aren't or have never been jealous is simply LYING! ;)

HowStuffWorks "How Jealousy Works"
 

ChrisL

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I think it helps to forge relationships with trustworthy people too, that can help avoid jealousy. And of course being trustworthy ourselves helps. Most jealous guys I've known are the worst cheaters.
They're are definitely guys (and women too) who are over-the-top jealous, but it is normal to feel it at times. Some people just aren't very good at controlling it or expressing it in a constructive way, I think.

For instance, instead of telling an SO that his or her actions are bothering you and why, a lot of times people will tend to lash out and say and do things that they don't really mean out of jealousy and anger. I think that communication and respect are always the most important elements in any long-term relationship.
 

JC Callender

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I couldn't agree more! It's probably the biggest relationship ender, imo. And yes, communication and respect are imperative as well. :)

They're are definitely guys (and women too) who are over-the-top jealous, but it is normal to feel it at times. Some people just aren't very good at controlling it or expressing it in a constructive way, I think.

For instance, instead of telling an SO that his or her actions are bothering you and why, a lot of times people will tend to lash out and say and do things that they don't really mean out of jealousy and anger. I think that communication and respect are always the most important elements in any long-term relationship.
 

ChrisL

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I think it helps to forge relationships with trustworthy people too, that can help avoid jealousy. And of course being trustworthy ourselves helps. Most jealous guys I've known are the worst cheaters.
I wanted to address this specific point. Sometimes, a person might behave in an extra jealous manner because of the things that particular person does in the relationship, makes he or she believe that the SO must be behaving in the same manner.

Sometimes, it's just out of insecurity too, and also other times there are probably good reasons to feel a little bit jealousy. A little bit of jealousy is normal IMO.

I had an ex tell me before that he didn't like it when I talked to other men because "they would think I want them." Lol! I would say, just by talking? Really? I don't know how true that is because I'm not a guy. I certainly don't think that because a man speaks to me that he wants me though! :rofl That would make me narcissistic I think!
 

JC Callender

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Many guys you talk to are going to want to have some kind of a romance with you....that's normal. Men are attracted to women and your ex thought you were attractive enough to garner that kind of recognition. But to tell a woman not to talk to other guys is foolish. I'm sure he didn't like some of your girlfriends as well. People in general need affection and get that from interacting with people, often in ways that have nothing to do with romance. A man who tries to cut off his woman from other people wouldn't be able to provide her with all of that affection and the relationship would start to suffer, as I'm sure yours did if you followed his advice. A respectable, trustworthy woman knows how to talk to other men without leading them on.

I wanted to address this specific point. Sometimes, a person might behave in an extra jealous manner because of the things that particular person does in the relationship, makes he or she believe that the SO must be behaving in the same manner.

Sometimes, it's just out of insecurity too, and also other times there are probably good reasons to feel a little bit jealousy. A little bit of jealousy is normal IMO.

I had an ex tell me before that he didn't like it when I talked to other men because "they would think I want them." Lol! I would say, just by talking? Really? I don't know how true that is because I'm not a guy. I certainly don't think that because a man speaks to me that he wants me though! :rofl That would make me narcissistic I think!
 

ChrisL

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Many guys you talk to are going to want to have some kind of a romance with you....that's normal. Men are attracted to women and your ex thought you were attractive enough to garner that kind of recognition. But to tell a woman not to talk to other guys is foolish. I'm sure he didn't like some of your girlfriends as well. People in general need affection and get that from interacting with people, often in ways that have nothing to do with romance. A man who tries to cut off his woman from other people wouldn't be able to provide her with all of that affection and the relationship would start to suffer, as I'm sure yours did if you followed his advice. A respectable, trustworthy woman knows how to talk to other men without leading them on.
Well, I can't lie. I am a big flirt sometimes.
 

JC Callender

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Well, now that doesn't help. :lol:

Some respectable, trustworthy people are huge flirts and their spouses or significant others have no problem with it because they know they won't cheat. A person who's actually cheated in the past really shouldn't be doing much flirting though, imo.



Well, I can't lie. I am a big flirt sometimes.
 

ChrisL

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Well, now that doesn't help. :lol:

Some respectable, trustworthy people are huge flirts and their spouses or significant others have no problem with it because they know they won't cheat. A person who's actually cheated in the past really shouldn't be doing much flirting though, imo.
No probably not. There is already a trust issue and a history there, so any jealousy would be totally justified in such a case IMO.
 

JC Callender

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I've met flirtatious women who were actually really cool because they were mature and they knew as well as I that nothing would happen, but it did feel good to be flirted with all the same. It's just friendly affection under those circumstances, and I think most of us like to know that someone else thinks were attractive and worthwhile and that can be a harmless way to do so. :)

No probably not. There is already a trust issue and a history there, so any jealousy would be totally justified in such a case IMO.
 

RGacky3

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I don't think that's love. It is possessiveness due to insecurity.
Not at all, if you demand, for example exclusive sex, i.e. the one you love can only sleep with you, is that possessiveness due to insecurity?
 

joko104

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Not at all, if you demand, for example exclusive sex, i.e. the one you love can only sleep with you, is that possessiveness due to insecurity?
If a couple have an agreement to perpetual monogamy between them, then breaking that would be infidelity. You seem then to covert that to jealousy?

Personally, I think if a guy is all broken up over even the prospect of infidelity then it is due to insecurity about himself, yes. Yet at some point this comes to possibly difference senses of what should be in a relationship - ie how much control of the other, what punishments for lack of control, and what is the emotion if the relationship does not meet expectations and promises. So in a way you and I are looking at this from exactly opposite directions. My relationship with her is not reduced down to a sex contract. I know for many people their marriage is.

For me, I can not imagine ever "demanding" anything of my wife, other than prior to marriage in a sense I "commanded" her to live thousands of times when she was in the hospital after a severe injury in which it unknown if she would live, in horrific pain in which they could give not painkillers, and her will to live possibly what could decide the outcome. Much later she said that was the only thing she could cling to in hope, my demand that she "say with me." I don't think that would be called jealousy on my part.
 
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