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It's been two years...

That could help, hadn't considered online options. Or even knew that they existed.

Thanks.

Please please please use every resource available.

Keep searching until you find what works best for you.

Your wife and daughter need you in so many ways.

As tragic as your story is, adding to the tragedy is something your family shouldn't have to go through.

My father took his life when I was pretty young.
I held on to a great deal of hatred (best word I can use to describe it) for many many years.
A feeling you obviously know all too well.

I have no clue how devastating it would be to lose a child, but I sure as hell know what it's like to have a parent commit suicide.
And what it does to those who have to deal with the aftermath.
It's not the solution.

Sounds like you know that, and I hope that's true for your wife and daughter's sake.

Use the internet if you have nothing local. Please.

Please.
 
That could help, hadn't considered online options. Or even knew that they existed.

Thanks.

I can't begin to imagine what you are going through but I can feel your pain and hurt. Thanks for opening up to us, I hope maybe even in a little way it helps to get it out. I'm here if you ever need to talk.
 
Ex, I know you said your resources are limited where you live but have you looked for a grief support group nearby? Talking to others who have been through this may help...sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers who've been through it than it is a loved one...after my DH died, I sought out such a group and it helped me tremendously...just a thought...
 
I failed him. It was my job to protect him, and I failed. It doesn't matter that i couldn't have known. It doesn't matter that he likely would've died if I had taken him to the hospital before he stopped breathing.

You failed nothing. You did everything that you're supposed to do. Find something you enjoy doing and go do it. Your self punishment accomplishes nothing.
 
I'm so very sorry, OP. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. Have you gotten any professional help at all? If not, it might be something to think about.
 
I really do appreciate the support, it does help.

This is just a hard time of year for me, it's like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Up down twisted around. I've been holding a lot in for a long time. And I'm not used to people offering condolences. I made this thread because I felt like I was going to burst if I didn't tell someone.

Many of you gave some good advice, I'm already taking the one about seeking an online therapist.

It's hard for me to talk about, outside of emotional outbursts at 2 AM. It's a pain I don't want to share for the most part. It's human nature to empathize, but this type of pain can and does tend to overwhelm people who want to help.

I watched it happen to my wife's friends. They came in close, for awhile, but one by one drifted away as they discovered she's never going to be better, or go to the way she was. They still care for her, they still check on her, but they don't invite her out anymore or spend a lot of time with her as they once did.

It's a heavy burden to ask someone to help you carry. And you can't blame people for not wanting to help you carry it forever, as much as you want to.

Her family is where she gets the majority of her support. Her mother is right there for her, whenever she needs her to be. And that is awesome. I also do my best to take care of her.

I am kind of jealous of her tho, I won't lie. My mother died last year, she never even knew I had a son named Lex. And likely would have made it worse had I reached out to her about it. I want to say my mother was evil, for my childhood, for her life decisions. But contemplating her life, I think she was trapped and forced into things she didn't want to do. And she didn't have the strength to escape like I did. Or I could just be making excuses for the dead.

It seems my life is one long tragedy, with just enough good to hold me here.

I wish I did believe in god and heaven. I tried, oh how I tried, but I was just lying to myself. I'm not built to believe in things, people or causes. It's why I rebelled against my upbringing.

I do find growing things helps alot. And I'm considering getting a dog.

I want a pig, but wife won't let me get a pig.

I've never been good at pets. I've always seen them as inconvenient things. But, now I don't so much, I feel that need for companionship. But I'm scared I wouldn't be a good pet owner, I'm not exactly stable and I had bipolar and ptsd before my son was even born. And I'm so depressed now, I can't say for sure I'd have the energy to properly care and train an animal.
 
.... And I'm so depressed now, I can't say for sure I'd have the energy to properly care and train an animal.


Pets don't need much training.

You look at videos on the internet and realize that your pet could have learned that trick too if you'd thought to try it, but mostly you love them and they love you. And if you get them to poop in the right place then you're probably good to go.

Brushing is good ... they like it ... even the short hairs like it (as I and my short hair cat recently discovered).

But really it's not as complicated as all those TV people try to make you think. Pets have been training people for centuries ... millennia. Your pet will train you fine.
 
You called it a story 2 years ago as well, back then I was feeling it for the first time and didn't respond. You wondered why I would come to a forum to talk about it.

**** you Hawkeye, You're a human piece of garbage, and I don't care if I get points for saying it. Go the **** away, and never quote me again mother****er.

I seem to recall you posting that back then, as well. I hope in the interim you have found some sort of solace and healing.
 
I was happy. Everything was perfect.

That day, I woke up early and made biscuits and gravy. He was feeling a bit sick, but he still played in the flour. He'd sit on the floor, puffing out his cheeks making noises as he moved the flour. We watched some Backyardigans. Played with Blocks. And went grocery shopping. At the store I bought some cold and flu medicine for toddlers. When we got home, I thought I'll give this to him after his nap.

And then he never woke up.

He died of an upper respiratory infection complicated by the flu. He caught it from his sister, who caught it from school. It was a particularly nasty flu that killed 12 kids in town that year.

I thought that a little sleep would do him some good, so I let him take an longer nap. When I went to check on him. He was face down, and lifeless. I performed cpr immediately. His little eyes were open. He had woken up and choked on his own phlegm.

He died and I was one room away.

I stopped just long enough to call 911. It took them 20 mins to get there. 20 Mins of me trying to breath life into my son. Watching the phlegm come out, hearing the sound of my air leaving his lungs in a death rattle. The way his eyes were glossy.

I see these things everytime I close my eyes. Even two years later. Everytime.

I failed him. It was my job to protect him, and I failed. It doesn't matter that i couldn't have known. It doesn't matter that he likely would've died if I had taken him to the hospital before he stopped breathing.

My son lay dying alone less than 30 feet from me, and I did nothing. All alone. Scared. Not understanding what was happening to him. While I sat at a computer reading a book.

He is never going to have his first kiss. Read his first book. Go to his first day of school. Graduate. Have a family of his own. Because I couldn't protect him. He was robbed of so much. And he would have been magnificent.

No one blames me. And even though my wife and I are growing apart over this thing we can't talk about, she still loves me as much as the day we got married. It's me that's the problem. I can't talk to anyone, not her, it hurts her. Why would I hurt her, just to make myself feel better. So I hold it in.

Her family was there for her. She always getting calls, asking how she's doing. Offering condolences. Checking up on her. The only people to ask me how I was doing, was Nota Bene and MaggieD on this forum. I guess that's what you get when you've been mean as a junkyard dog your whole life.

I'm surrounded by people who love me, and yet I feel alone.

To be honest, the only reason I haven't killed myself, is my daughter. I don't want her to feel anymore loss.

My mother died Feb 7, 1 year after my son. It came as a surprise. We were estranged, last time we spoke was when I was stabbed, well before I married. But, as much as I hated her, I still loved her, and it happened when my emotions were at it's rawest. I almost went home, risking death for her funeral.

I would have killed myself by now, if it were not for my daughter. I have no joy in my life, everything is ash in my mouth. And it all seems pointless. But, my death would make my daughter feel this way. And I love her to much to do that to her.

So I'm not a suicide risk, but I do see the appeal of death. That endless sleep. That relief from hell. I miss when i couldn't feel at all. Sometimes I think, maybe I did die, and I am in hell. What better torment is there than a man building a perfect life, only to take it away on a random day in Feb.

I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of being the stoic pillar that holds it together for everyone. I'm tired of the sleepless nights and the nightmares. I'm tired of the flashbacks. I'm tired of the slightest thing causing an anxiety attack. I'm tired.

I have to smoke a quarter ounze of weed every night just to fall asleep. But I don't smoke around the anniversary of his death. I want to feel it all, I feel I owe him that. This grief and pain. I need to feel it for him. So I stay sober.

I've come to hate the world. All the people in it, that waste so much. The people that live blessed lives from the day they are born and hold no empathy for others and think only of themselves. I look at the world today, and realize it wasn't worthy of him or my daughter. And it angers me.

It's a level of hate I haven't felt since I was a kid.

I'm broken, and I can't be fixed.

I'm sitting here in tears. You are NOT broken. Throughout your post you identified reasons that show otherwise. Your pain is real, and deserves to be treated as real. But you will pull through this. Your daughter needs you. I'm sending you all the good thoughts of comfort I can. You are never alone.
 
Thanks guys, sometimes you just need to unload all the crap. I don't go to bars, and I don't have a priest, and my psychiatrist just wants to give me drugs. I tried the drugs, the drugs made me see weird cats all the time.

I wish you all the best.

My response is on the practical side, as I cannot provide any magic to help your heart.

Recently I spoke with Temple Grandin, we were discussing a young man in alot of depression and pain. He had tried drugs and hated it and refused to try them again.

She said that low dosage of an anti-depressant was what saved her and enabled her to be involved in society. That her feelings were so crippling that she couldnt function in society. And this young man's pain is palpable.

She could not have stated more strongly how it would change his life to continue with often disorienting, even scary experimenting with anti-depressants for this young man. She has been involved in research into this for years, as people come to her desperate for 'cures' or hope for their children. (Of course under a Dr's care.) But that the trial and error would be worth it.

I cant tell you drugs will make your life more bearable...but trying again could be worth it.

Good luck to you.
 
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I wish you all the best.

My response is on the practical side, as I cannot provide any magic to help your heart.

Recently I spoke with Temple Grandin, we were discussing a young man in alot of depression and pain. He had tried drugs and hated it and refused to try them again.

She said that low dosage of an anti-depressant was what saved her and enabled her to be involved in society. That her feelings were so crippling that she couldnt function in society. And this young man's pain is palpable.

She could not have stated more strongly how it would change his life to continue with often disorienting, even scary experimenting with anti-depressants for this young man. She has been involved in research into this for years, as people come to her desperate for 'cures' or hope for their children. (Of course under a Dr's care.) But that the trial and error would be worth it.

I cant tell you drugs will make your life more bearable...but trying again could be worth it.

Good luck to you.

What about his claim that he smokes about 15 joints worth of marijuana a night - every night? Do you think that helps him? He claims it does.
 
what about his claim that he smokes about 15 joints worth of marijuana a night - every night? Do you think that helps him? He claims it does.

stfu.
 
exactly, pretty sad to see that sort of response

Obviously I needed to add "I feel your pain" so that folks dont get lost, but somehow I figured enough people around here have experience with 12 step programs that they would understand my response.

DP has become a damn depressing place of late.
 
On Feb 10, 2017, my life changed forever.

My two year old son passed away.

I've never had much of a family. On my mother's side, I was cast out for not conforming. On my father's side, I was told I wasn't even my father's child. My whole life, I didn't have family. No one that cared whether I lived or died. It made me hard, mean. For the longest time, I didn't think I could feel. My parent's went to jail when I was 16, and I had to take care of my brother and myself after that. I finished highschool, went to college, even got myself a scholarship. All on my own.

In college, I partied, drank, did drugs, got into fights, never went to class, and only took the midterms. Graduated at the top. Then I drifted across the States and Mexico. Doing odd jobs, selling drugs, loan sharking, and trying my hand as a bookie. I went to college for the party, not the degree, and it was free.

I was 24, living in a trailer park in TX hiding from the Klan, and working for a car rental agency when I first met my wife. I had dated, I was good with women. But I never felt anything for them.

She is the only truly good person I've ever met in my life. One who has no ulterior motives when she offers to help. Who tries her hardest, and feels the failure most. And she loved me. At the time, you would've found that hard to believe.

With her, I discovered I wasn't a sociopath. I felt an emotion for another person for the first time. And it grew. She became my family. The first one I ever had. And I took her on adventures. I showed her the world. She made me want to be good. And so I stopped hurting people. I started helping people.

And my first child came along, my daughter. And for the first time, I felt what it was like to love something so much you would die for it. I wasn't even there for her birth, I was stuck in the States, while my wife was in Canada with her family. And I missed alot of her first years, working, in sales 100 hour weeks.

And it hurt. By the time my second child had come along, I was the boss. So, I setup my virtual office, converted our entire region to a new digital system that allowed for digital signatures. And I moved to Canada and became a stay at home dad. I worked from home.

I never missed a day of his life. Not one. I changed every diaper. I stayed up with him every night. I fed him every bottle. He was my son. Mine. I taught him how to walk. I taught him his first word. He was my world. My entire world.

It wasn't easy. Society isn't very accepting of stay at home dads. Even though I am wealthy, when my wife decided to go to work because she missed it, I was looked down upon. Our neighbor at the time an old woman would prowl around our house, and call child services and the police on me whenever one of my kids would cry. I once had someone scratch goof on my door. Which in Canada meant pedophile.

But I didn't care. I had my own family.

Wow.

I've been through some stuff, but losing a child is not one of them. I cannot imagine what you're going through. :(

I have no idea whether you love, hate, or could give two flying ****s about former Vice President Biden, but maybe he has some words here that you can relate to. Maybe. IDK.

 
My heart aches for you. We re here for you and your wife.
 
Wow.

I've been through some stuff, but losing a child is not one of them. I cannot imagine what you're going through. :(

I have no idea whether you love, hate, or could give two flying ****s about former Vice President Biden, but maybe he has some words here that you can relate to. Maybe. IDK.



First time I ever seen him speak, actually. And he is spot on, thanks for sharing that.
 
And I'm considering getting a dog.

I've never been good at pets. I've always seen them as inconvenient things. But, now I don't so much, I feel that need for companionship. But I'm scared I wouldn't be a good pet owner, I'm not exactly stable and I had bipolar and ptsd before my son was even born. And I'm so depressed now, I can't say for sure I'd have the energy to properly care and train an animal.

Any chance there's a pet adoption shelter near you?
One that might let you volunteer there for a bit?

You said you work from home right? Getting out of the house, with a purpose to help animals and others, might be a great thing.
Working in the animal shelter would allow you to ween your way into both finding out if you can care for a dog, and also help you find the perfect dog for your family.
Or it could help you decide that you're just not ready for a dog without having to make a huge commitment.

Dogs can be such great companions, and therapy tools.
If you do it right, the unconditional love you get back from a dog is worth more than gold and diamonds combined.

Dogs have probably saved me tens-of-thousands of dollars in therapy costs, but we're dog people.
 
I was happy. Everything was perfect...



ThoughtEx, I'm just reaching out because you need to know a few things.

1) It's not your fault. You did everything right. Children get sick, and the flu that took your son was an especially deadly one. You couldn't have known that. Your son's life didn't depend on the 30 minutes, children died from that flu under constant medical care in hospitals. It wasn't you, it was the flu.

2) Hind sight is your enemy. You are torturing yourself with guilt that you don't need to be shouldering. Grief is hard enough, but guilt makes the grief unbearable. Those who mean the most to you would never want you to suffer like this. You sound like a great dad who experienced a great tragedy. Your daughter knows who you are even if you don't. See yourself through her eyes to know who you are.

3) Consider this: In all of your self imposed guilt and resulting deep depression, you persist for your daughter. Many, many, many people find that under the same strain that they simply can't. You are a good man. You are stronger than you know. You shoulder much for her, you shoulder things you don't even need to shoulder.

I can't tell you to let it go, I know it is hard, I know your road like it's my daily commute, but you need to know that every waking day you are an example of the good man you truly are. That doesn't take the pain away, it can't remove the doubt, and it can't remove the needless guilt you live with.. but over time, I hope you will come to realize that the guilt is irrational, a product of the emotional scars from your loss, not a sentence by a jury of your peers. You can learn to work around it, I mean, you seem to be well on that road already, but someday you may find yourself able to forgive yourself of a burden you don't need to carry.

Your son wouldn't want you to carry that burden, please know you don't have you.
 
Wow! What a gut-check OP and thread! You can add me to your "Call List"... as in willing to make myself available to communicate with by any reasonable means. I hope you immediately work to improve your support system to include therapeutic phone calls and texts!

At least two other DP members who participate on a regular basis have written about the death of one of their children. This suggests whatever your pain, at least some here have firsthand experience . I have four daughters. I nearly lost one in November 2015 to a horrific motorcycle accident: cracked skull, in a coma for a month, two broken arms, crushed pelvis and other assorted injuries. I feel blessed to still have her in my life!

No parent in their right mind wants to out live any of their children. I can't see any benefit whatsoever to place blame on yourself. I truly hope the passage of time makes each day a little bit easier to bear.

Thank you for sharing. Thank you for reaching out. Feel some Love!
 
Despite what you might think, ThoughtEx, there are things you can be thankful for despite the horrible tragedies that have occurred in your life. That fact that you've made something of yourself despite your ****ty upbringing speaks volumes. You have a lovely wife and daughter which is more than many people have.

I have little to offer besides my empathy and whatever support I can muster through cyberspace. I will just say that I think you're a smart and resourceful guy and I hope you find the inner peace and happiness that we all crave. You only have one life so make the best of it. I will also say that it might help you to write your life story. You have the gift for writing and have experienced quite a journey so far in this life. If anything, writing might prove to be therapeutic.
 
First time I ever seen him speak, actually. And he is spot on, thanks for sharing that.

I have been away from this thread for a bit.

Have you found anything useful?

Have you got to the place where you want to be back to being the loving great dad and husband you clearly are given the chance?
 
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