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Is an affair a dealbreaker

If your partner cheats, will you stay?

  • No, I'd end it

    Votes: 19 38.8%
  • Yes, I'd stay. Period.

    Votes: 3 6.1%
  • I'd stay conditionally

    Votes: 13 26.5%
  • Don't know/not sure/not in a relationship/HOT POCKETS!

    Votes: 14 28.6%

  • Total voters
    49
Sort of, yes. I mean, I would hope it would be a deeper conversation than that, but yes.

I'm human. I feel jealousy at times. But I have found that is almost always solved by talking about it. In fact the only times I can remember feeling jealous are when I was keeping it to myself.

The typical model of strict, life-long monogamy is also not realistically something that is a part of natural human relationships. I don't hold tightly to either standard. It just makes things more dramatic than they need to be.

Different people bring different things to the table. There may be times when those things overlap. I don't think telling people they're bad for feeling that way is a good way to approach the issue.

I do tend to be monogamous simply because I find it simpler and less draining on myself. But when I have been in relationships that are themselves non-tradition (regardless of whether there were additional partners involved), other aspects and emotions can come into play.

i've never cheated on a girlfriend or spouse. my parents have had a monogamous marriage for 50+ years.
people believe cheating is "acceptable" because their tv's portray cheating as acceptable at such a high
rotation rate; that they actually believe in their washed-out, pea-brained minds that infidelity is the
natural "norm" of any marriage.
 
Well, statistically it is pretty normal, and always has been since the beginning of time.

I've never cheated, nor been cheated on that I know of. And despite how the above sounds, the majority of my relationships have been exclusive.

Making it non-taboo to talk about all by itself makes things much easier. Acting as though you'll never look at another person just creates a perfect opportunity for stupid decisions. And clinging to a strict doctrine that doesn't fit you, or fit the relationship, is just as bad.

Good for you. Not everyone works that way. :shrug: Nor is there anything wrong with them for not doing so. In fact biologically, it probably makes more sense.
 
Sort of, yes. I mean, I would hope it would be a deeper conversation than that, but yes.

I'm human. I feel jealousy at times. But I have found that is almost always solved by talking about it. In fact the only times I can remember feeling jealous are when I was keeping it to myself.

The typical model of strict, life-long monogamy is also not realistically something that is a part of natural human relationships. I don't hold tightly to either standard. It just makes things more dramatic than they need to be.

Different people bring different things to the table. There may be times when those things overlap. I don't think telling people they're bad for feeling that way is a good way to approach the issue.

I do tend to be monogamous simply because I find it simpler and less draining on myself. But when I have been in relationships that are themselves non-tradition (regardless of whether there were additional partners involved), other aspects and emotions can come into play.

Yeah, I don't know.

Talking about jealousy makes me even more jealous. Especially when the girl totally dismisses everything as an overreaction, because then I start second-guessing myself like, "Wait...am I being paranoid? What the hell is even going on?" ...aaaaand then one day I get a phone call like, "Hey, he asked me to be with him, so is it cool if we break up?" Nope. I'd rather do the healthy thing and let the jealousy eat away at me until I kill myself. Or until she does leave, and I can play it off like it's no big deal when really I want to peel the paint off my walls with my fingernails.

That's the plan.
 
i don't have kids and i don't ever plan on being in an open relationship so i will say..


hell.
no.

trust is a hard thing to regain once it has been lost.
 
Yeah, I don't know.

Talking about jealousy makes me even more jealous. Especially when the girl totally dismisses everything as an overreaction, because then I start second-guessing myself like, "Wait...am I being paranoid? What the hell is even going on?" ...aaaaand then one day I get a phone call like, "Hey, he asked me to be with him, so is it cool if we break up?" Nope. I'd rather do the healthy thing and let the jealousy eat away at me until I kill myself. Or until she does leave, and I can play it off like it's no big deal when really I want to peel the paint off my walls with my fingernails.

That's the plan.

Well, I'd much rather have someone tell me they'd rather be with someone else and not with me, than cheat. Happened once, actually. I have respect for that - it shows they care enough to be honest instead of wronging me.
 
Wouldn't make a difference to me. I'd be equally upset. It sucks when people leave. Telling me beforehand wouldn't make it suck less. :shrug:
 
If you partner cheats, will you stay?

I believe some relationships start out loose - people keeping options open - and then they become monogamous.

Personally I would walk away in the early part of a relationship if I knew someone I was interested in was "sampling" the opposition before choosing and I would walk away if I was in a long term relationship and trust was betrayed. I always make it clear when starting a relationship that honesty and trust are important to me. I walked away from my first wife when she broke our trust for financial reasons - cost me financially too as the courts originally decided to let our kids stay with her.
 
Well.. I misread the poll and voted wrong.. Sorry..

Yes.. It a partner cheats, then to me it is over.. Any relationship is based on trust.. Without trust there is no relationship..
 
I'm indifferent. The issue for me is one of loyalty, and keeping a little piece on the side doesn't really hurt me. Whatever.

But if she's neglecting me or our family in favor of fooling around, then there's going to be Hell to pay. I can forgive a lot, but I won't tolerate being ignored. Or if her piece on the side is filth and I'm worried about being exposed to it; the other problem I've had in "open" relationships is seeing the pathetic vermin I'm being asked to share with. If a man isn't good enough to sit at my dinner table, then I don't like the implications of my woman thinking he's good enough to sleep with.
 
I'd stay. I would cheat back though. The sneaking around part is what would bother me. I wouldn't mind an open relationship or swinging. If she gets variety then so should I. It all depends. But for me an affair is not a deal breaker. Not in and of itself.
 
I don't know what I'd do if I found out my wife cheated. I honestly don't know how I'd react until it happened I think.
 
If I cheated on my fiancée, I am convinced that would immediately end the relationship, because she could not forgive that. If the situation was reversed, I could probably forgive it under certain conditions. Doesn't mean it would be ok, or that she wouldn't have to do a good job explaining and convincing, but if it was really just sexual attraction and not much more, I could probably forgive her, as long as she remains reliable within our relationship.

But I don't believe in a "one size fits all" approach to this question. I just feel the way I do, because cheating would break the deal my fiancée and I have mutually agreed on. Other couples may find different kinds of agreement.
 
Dare I mention it appears maturity is dominating a thread. Strange day.
 
We have an open relationship so an "affair" wouldn't end it. The agreement is to be honest with each other so I guess for us what would end it would be kissing and NOT telling. :)
 
I always said on polls like this that an affair would end my relationship, but when my ex-husband actually cheated, I stayed and tried to work things out for the sake of the kids. When he cheated a second time, though, I started making an exit plan and when the 3rd affair happened, i filed for divorce.
 
There are sexual affairs and there are emotional affairs, and while the two can coincide, I consider the latter to be the more dangerous to a marriage. It certainly undermined mine.
 
It depends on the level of infidelity and how I find out, but mostly...yes, an affair is a deal breaker. I have a hard time developing trust in people, so once they've done something to damage that trust it isn't likely to be rebuilt. I don't have very strict boundaries for my boyfriend. He knows strip clubs, happy ending massages, and work-flirting are no concern for me. I don't care how often he looks at porn, and have no issue including it in our mutual sexy time. If he feels the need to go beyond those boundaries we have a very serious problem.

The only factor that would make me more likely to try working things out would be children. If we have kids and he cheats I'll have to consider the duration of the infidelity and that level of infidelity very seriously so that I can decide whether or not counseling will be healthiest/best for the family.

Without kids, cheating is almost always a deal breaker. There are about 3 billion males on the planet..I can find another one and I don't have to put up with one who disrespects me enough to violate my trust.

Also, as to the "stay together for the kids" comment....my children shouldn't and have no reason to know of infidelity in my marriage. Any problems my husband/their father and I have are our problems, not the children's. If we feel that a family unit can be healthier and safer for the children we will privately and mutually seek help rebuilding our relationship. If we feel that a family unit cannot be maintained in a healthy manner we will separate.
 
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I should ask for more information. For instance, as a newlywed I would answer the same as you. When I wasn't married, I would say the same. Ten years in, and my tune started changing. Then there was equity, and we'd built something worth fighting for. Unfortunately, he didn't see it the same way. C'est la vie.

A question could be asked, what was the non-cheating party's role in it.
 
If a partner cheats, should the relationship/marriage end (in your estimation.)

You used the word cheats. I take that this means that the activity was outside the agreed acceptable behavior. Then they have to negotiate a new agreement that is acceptable to both or it's going to end the marriage. No one else counts.
 
If a partner cheats, should the relationship/marriage end (in your estimation.)

Mine would.

Can't speak for others - but I do get disgusted with women who 'stick with their man' sometimes (not all the time). I find that staying in a relationship after such things have happened - especially fi they're repeat issues or constant crap - that one just devalues theirself as an individual if they choose to stay with it.

I knew one woman who chose not to leave her husband - but she could never get over it, either - she just gave him crap about it, years after things happened it still kept her up late at night. She just let it eat her up and she'd call me up a few times to bitch to me about how angry she still was . . . . if you want to stay you must forgive, get over it, move on.

*edit: men I've met who've had a partner that cheated but none have ever stuck with them, I'm sure that's not a standard - just my knowledge.*
 
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It would have to end... no doubt about it. Since I have my marriage built on trust and that trust no longer exists, the foundation of the relationship has been destroyed. We don't have kids so there's no consideration there. I'm not very traditional either when it comes to marriage - I actually don't have a "proper" marriage, as in I don't have a piece of paper saying we're married. Neither of us really wants that - and if we ever did make it official it would be a weekend in Vegas type of thing. We're both too old and been around too long to bother with the big white wedding and see it as a bother, massive expense with little pay off other than pictures no one wants to see years later. However, if a relationship (not mine of course) decides to open up and BOTH want to bring others into the bedroom with full disclosure then fine. I think that's risky - both emotionally and physically but each to their own.
 
If a partner cheats, should the relationship/marriage end (in your estimation.)

A habitual cheater? Yep, over. A guy who can't keep it in his pants? Yep, over. A serious affair. Nah. If I loved my husband, and he wanted to work at the marriage, I'd work with him. Everyone makes mistakes...human nature happens...wouldn't be worth throwing out a previously good marriage. Forgiveness is very powerful.
 
A question could be asked, what was the non-cheating party's role in it.

I don't agree, if you mean to place blame on the noncheating spouse. Commitment is commitment. Don't want to be married? Get a divorce....get in counselling...blaming your partner is a coward's way out.
 
I would have voted yes, but I really like hot pockets. In essence, I've just cheated on my own moral code for cheap frozen pastries.

As long as you're cheating anyway, which Hot Pockets are your favorite(s)?
 
I don't agree, if you mean to place blame on the noncheating spouse. Commitment is commitment. Don't want to be married? Get a divorce....get in counselling...blaming your partner is a coward's way out.

Agreed, but his point stands. Once I was probably a year from the pain, I started seeing how he felt like he lost me probably a year before I lost him. I yelled at him, during our last phone call - or was it email. He accused me of playing the victim card. I said "you can't play the victim card when you've been victimized, you [expletive-deleted]!!" I was depressed, the last year or two of the marriage. I was so depressed that all I did was eat, sleep, and play WoW. I still kept his clothes clean, laid them out every day, and made his lunch. There was still hugging going on, and plenty of laughter and I-love-you's. But I think when I started to send him to movies without me, or saying I'd go and then cancelling, that he'd had about enough. But by then he was living in Second Life, and doing the same as me but still working a job. Eat, sleep, work, game. I remember crying because I missed him so much, and him yelling at me. I remember telling him I didn't want to live anymore and him telling me to "stop talking stupid." It was a downward spiral I never want to experience again.

So. If he'd agreed to leave the game and cease all communication with her, and go for counseling (which is the first thing I asked) we might still be together. Or? Maybe marriage isn't actually meant to be forever. Maybe we really aren't (humans) meant for "til death do us part." I don't know, either way. Maybe someday I'll meet a real man, with a big boy penis and a high school diploma. [Of course I'm not bitter. How could you even reach that conclusion.] Or maybe I'll just hang with the red hat ladies and enjoy the solitude someone born under the sign of 'Hermit, the Crab' is entitled to.

 
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