Interfaith Marriages (your opinion)

[Skeptic Bob]

It depends on several factors. How devout are the two people? If their religion just one small part of who they are, like their hair color, or does them life revolve around it?

And probably the biggest question is : do either of the two wish to indoctrinate their children into their religion?

I am an atheist from the US and my wife is a Buddhist from Cambodia. We don't criticize each other's beliefs and rarely talk about religion anyway. We have 6 and 10-year-old boys. Both my wife and I are open with them about what we believe and why as far as religion, and lack thereof, go. But we never tell them they should believe what we believe. As parents you can't help but influence them, but we try our best to avoid indoctrination.

If a couple has an attitude about things similar to us it can work out just fine. But if my wife wanted to FORCE our boys to be Buddhist or I made fun of her religion to them we would have a big problem.

 

[TheGoverness]

Both my wife and I are open with them about what we believe and why as far as religion, and lack thereof, go. But we never tell them they should believe what we believe. As parents you can't help but influence them, but we try our best to avoid indoctrination.

But if my wife wanted to FORCE our boys to be Buddhist or I made fun of her religion to them we would have a big problem.

I agree wholeheartedly. It's good that you and your wife aren't trying to indoctrinate your children. Unfortunately, with my parents that is not the case.

 

[Cryptic]

Additionally, if you are trying to live your faith, in a faith community, then this isn't going to work well for you as a family. I would be opposed to any of my children marrying a Muslim, Hindu, or a member of another major faith, as I would see it as indicating that either they had left Christianity, or didn't take it seriously.

Well said, and expresses my feelings exactly. I even have a denominational preference (but not an obsession) regarding future spouses of my children.

In either case, I would not support a marriage to another religion for the two reasons that you stated.

 

[Dragonfly]

Well said, and expresses my feelings exactly. I even have a denominational preference (but not an obsession) regarding future spouses of my children.

In either case, I would not support a marriage to another religion for the two reasons that you stated.

What does "not support" actually mean?

Think about this please. You have an adult child that's madly in love with another person. So much in love they decide to get married. They are happier than they've ever been in any other relationship and it's obvious they are in it for all the right reasons. It's everything each of them has ever wanted in another person.

But the potential in-law has a different religious belief, or has no religious belief.

How would you go about "not supporting" your own child based only on that one aspect of their chosen lives?

 

[Cryptic]

What does "not support" actually mean?

Think about this please. You have an adult child that's madly in love with another person. So much in love they decide to get married. They are happier than they've ever been in any other relationship and it's obvious they are in it for all the right reasons. It's everything each of them has ever wanted in another person.

But the potential in-law has a different religious belief, or has no religious belief.

How would you go about "not supporting" your own child based only on that one aspect of their chosen lives?

That is food for thought. The answer is that..... I dont know.

For starters, I would not encourage or facilitte dating relationships (I dont beleive in casual dating. As a result, dating is a screeeing process for future spouses) with people of different religions, atheists or even extremely nominal christians.

If such a relationship developed with one of my children as an adult, I would encourage him or her to break it off. If it still developed, I dont know what I would do. I know I would not be happy, espescially if it includes a conversion or a rejection of faith. I neither want to hurt my childrem nor do I want them to reject their family. Rejecting the religion of the famliy comes close to rejecting the family. Then again, in the end, I would not hurt my children emotionally over the matter.... .

I can understand how these feelings may seem extreme to a secular person (if you are secular). But, religion in my family and in my extended family is active and alive. It permeates alot of apects of our lives and is part of our daily identity. It is not just part of a fuzzy cultural background. Though some members maybe more active than others, we all share one religion and one assosciated cultural identity. I want my children to be part of that.

 

[Hari Seldon]

Well I am very happy for you. God has a sense of humor you know.

Yea, you get kids just like you?

 

[SheWolf]

My point is, they do. More than you can imagine.

It is sad that you're somebody online assuring her that her parents love. Her parents should communicate that with her, not a stranger in the internet. The fact that she even doubts her parents support and unconditional love, is a problem.

 

[SheWolf]

A wimp vs a man? What a difficult choice. No thanks, I stick with what I got. A man who's confidence is from his faith in Christ.

:lol:

I meant to say he might like you, but I didn't think you would like him. He is always asking me about my friends, but I would never talk any of friends into dating him. Not all muslim men are like him. I know some really wonderful muslim men.

 

[Lovebug]

It is sad that you're somebody online assuring her that her parents love. Her parents should communicate that with her, not a stranger in the internet. The fact that she even doubts her parents support and unconditional love, is a problem.

General terms.....
Yet we only have one side of the story. Kids, when they don't get what they want, often stomp their feet and make the parents look like horrible people. Of course kids want........., but more often than not, loving parents have a reason for the guidance they give. Yet the disgruntled child comes up with different reasons.
I am trying to look at both sides, won't render judgment one way or the other. But unless I hear directly from the parents, know their side of the story, I refuse to condemn them for what they may not even be guilty of.

Do we know why parents have said no to paying the tuition? Is the choice of college, perhaps out of state, a concern for them? Do they feel their child is not ready to move away? Has the child shown to make wrong decisions?
Where in the parent/kid contract does it say that parents have to pay tuition? If the kid is mature enough to make decisions, can we also assume that he/she should be capable to fund his/her own way?
Privileges have to be earned.

 

[Dragonfly]

General terms.....
Yet we only have one side of the story. Kids, when they don't get what they want, often stomp their feet and make the parents look like horrible people. Of course kids want........., but more often than not, loving parents have a reason for the guidance they give. Yet the disgruntled child comes up with different reasons.
I am trying to look at both sides, won't render judgment one way or the other. But unless I hear directly from the parents, know their side of the story, I refuse to condemn them for what they may not even be guilty of.

Do we know why parents have said no to paying the tuition? Is the choice of college, perhaps out of state, a concern for them? Do they feel their child is not ready to move away? Has the child shown to make wrong decisions?
Where in the parent/kid contract does it say that parents have to pay tuition? If the kid is mature enough to make decisions, can we also assume that he/she should be capable to fund his/her own way?
Privileges have to be earned.

Or maybe it's because the parents are religious nut-job wacka-doodle hypocrites who are trying to coerce their child into not being a "sinning" "heathen" by holding a college education over her head as ransom.

There are plenty of cases where "religion" has a very ugly side.

I think we've seen a few references to it right here in this thread.

 

[Lovebug]

Or maybe it's because the parents are religious nut-job wacka-doodle hypocrites who are trying to coerce their child into not being a "sinning" "heathen" by holding a college education over her head as ransom.

There are plenty of cases where "religion" has a very ugly side.

I think we've seen a few references to it right here in this thread.

I won't convict based on someone's say so. Assumptions are a dime a dozen. Feel free.

 

[SheWolf]

General terms.....
Yet we only have one side of the story. Kids, when they don't get what they want, often stomp their feet and make the parents look like horrible people. Of course kids want........., but more often than not, loving parents have a reason for the guidance they give. Yet the disgruntled child comes up with different reasons.
I am trying to look at both sides, won't render judgment one way or the other. But unless I hear directly from the parents, know their side of the story, I refuse to condemn them for what they may not even be guilty of.

Do we know why parents have said no to paying the tuition? Is the choice of college, perhaps out of state, a concern for them? Do they feel their child is not ready to move away? Has the child shown to make wrong decisions?
Where in the parent/kid contract does it say that parents have to pay tuition? If the kid is mature enough to make decisions, can we also assume that he/she should be capable to fund his/her own way?
Privileges have to be earned.

The child is saying they aren't paying her tuition because of her sexuality and atheism. Why not comment on that? We don't know the parent's side, but that is no reason to dismiss the child's feelings. If she believes her parents have a problem with her sexuality and personal beliefs, then that's good enough to show empathy IMO. She deserves to be heard as much as her parents.

It looks to me like you have bias and are simply taking sides.

 

[Lovebug]

The child is saying they aren't paying her tuition because of her sexuality and atheism. Why not comment on that? We don't know the parent's side, but that is no reason to dismiss the child's feelings. If she believes her parents have a problem with her sexuality and personal beliefs, then that's good enough to show empathy IMO. She deserves to be heard as much as her parents.

It looks to me like you have bias and are simply taking sides.

Just the opposite. Going with "what the child says" is bias, making assumptions about the parents, without the parents having a change to present their side of the story.
If an accuser takes his/her case to court, would we not grant the accused a chance to defend him/herself, or would we assume guilt?

 

[SheWolf]

What I am saying is that we have heard the child's side of the story, and only her side. Based on what she has said, she at least deserves some empathy for the way she feels as opposed to being dismissed. Both sides have their version of the truth. Whatever her parent's side of the story is, it's obvious the child is hurt and is suffering. You should be able to knowledge that instead of dismissing her feelings as illegitimate or unjustified.

Just the opposite. Going with "what the child says" is bias, making assumptions about the parents, without the parents having a change to present their side of the story.
If an accuser takes his/her case to court, would we not grant the accused a chance to defend him/herself, or would we assume guilt?

 

[roguenuke]

That is food for thought. The answer is that..... I dont know.

For starters, I would not encourage or facilitte dating relationships (I dont beleive in casual dating. As a result, dating is a screeeing process for future spouses) with people of different religions, atheists or even extremely nominal christians.

If such a relationship developed with one of my children as an adult, I would encourage him or her to break it off. If it still developed, I dont know what I would do. I know I would not be happy, espescially if it includes a conversion or a rejection of faith. I neither want to hurt my childrem nor do I want them to reject their family. Rejecting the religion of the famliy comes close to rejecting the family. Then again, in the end, I would not hurt my children emotionally over the matter.... .

I can understand how these feelings may seem extreme to a secular person (if you are secular). But, religion in my family and in my extended family is active and alive. It permeates alot of apects of our lives and is part of our daily identity. It is not just part of a fuzzy cultural background. Though some members maybe more active than others, we all share one religion and one assosciated cultural identity. I want my children to be part of that.

I think this is sad because it refuses to recognize how personal religion is and should be. A person's beliefs, including your child's, especially as an adult, should be their own. They are likely not going to be completely like yours, yet you see that as a bad thing. Why? Because they are thinking for themselves?

I made my mother cry when I told her I wasn't Christian. I'm not proud of this but neither am I ashamed at telling her the truth, sharing my beliefs. And she still holds out hope that I will "accept Jesus". It took her a long time to understand that I can't say I believe in something that I don't. I can't force myself to believe in the Bible or that Jesus was the son of God simply because she does or even that I was raised to believe that. It isn't right to hold your children to that standard, to expect them to lie to you or themselves if they have different beliefs than you, possibly beliefs that are different, fundamentally different than yours. And it is the person who holds that sort of standard that is causing the rift, not the person who simply wants to be free from guilt from someone else for believing differently.

 

[D_NATURED]

Hey DPers,

I just watched this reaction video to a Muslim/Christian marriage, and I wondered how most people here feel about interfaith marriages.

Do you think any two faiths should not be united?

How would you feel if your son or daughter were marrying outside of your faith?


Personally speaking, I know very little about certain faiths... I probably know the least about Hinduism, and it seems the most foreign to me because it's polytheistic. But I agree with the guy at the end of the video, you should judge the person based on their character and not on their faith. The only exception would be if I thought they were involved in a cult or their beliefs were dangerous or radical, but I think that falls under judging the person's character and not simply their faith. For example, not all Mormons are fundamentals following the teachings of Warren Jeffs, so if my child was marrying a Mormon, I would wait and see the person before I jumped to making assumptions.

What name you have for your imaginary friend shouldn't be a barrier to love but, the truth is, it is. Contradictory superstitions will ultimately manifest as disagreement. When you're married, you have enough REAL **** to argue about without interjecting these abstract manifestations of human fear into the relationship.

I would not oppose the marriage of two different faiths but the only way to make those relationships work is for one or both of the participants to compromise their "principles". My experience is that when a woman is very attractive, the male principle of erection gifting is primary to most others. That doesn't last forever, though. Eventually, one of them will say or do something completely insulting to the other and, being religious in nature, there will be no rational way to resolve the disagreement.

 

[roguenuke]

What name you have for your imaginary friend shouldn't be a barrier to love but, the truth is, it is. Contradictory superstitions will ultimately manifest as disagreement. When you're married, you have enough REAL **** to argue about without interjecting these abstract manifestations of human fear into the relationship.

I would not oppose the marriage of two different faiths but the only way to make those relationships work is for one or both of the participants to compromise their "principles". My experience is that when a woman is very attractive, the male principle of erection gifting is primary to most others. That doesn't last forever, though. Eventually, one of them will say or do something completely insulting to the other and, being religious in nature, there will be no rational way to resolve the disagreement.

I don't think they would have to "compromise" their principles in all cases. I believe it would depend mainly on those getting married. Two people could be very devoted to their beliefs yet also believe that those beliefs are their personal beliefs, and it doesn't really matter what their loved one believes so long as he/she respects that boundary. Neither could be extremists for their beliefs or believe that only those that believe like them are going to the positive afterlife or the "better" afterlife, since that would definitely cause some strife.

 

[D_NATURED]

I don't think they would have to "compromise" their principles in all cases. I believe it would depend mainly on those getting married. Two people could be very devoted to their beliefs yet also believe that those beliefs are their personal beliefs, and it doesn't really matter what their loved one believes so long as he/she respects that boundary. Neither could be extremists for their beliefs or believe that only those that believe like them are going to the positive afterlife or the "better" afterlife, since that would definitely cause some strife.

If religious principles were consistently about morality and not just a lot of subjective social habits that have little to do with a rational morality, like the hijab for Muslims or the long female hair for Pentecostals, for instance, I would agree that it shouldn't matter. It's funny though how the ridiculous habits we grew up with seem "normal" but the ridiculous habits of another tradition seem weird. That has to do with the natural credulity of children which is a product of the evolutionary predisposition to believing whatever their parents tell them. Cultural evolution can come from many sources and they needn't make sense.

I agree that extremists of different philosophies will naturally be incompatible. I think, though, that every religious person has to internalize some subjective aspect of their faith or to actually call themselves faithful to it would be unprovable. All of the little habits and dogmas, especially those with no direct connection to an obvious social benefit, do the MOST to define the differences between one religion and another. The two partners can get along, I think, but the amount they get along will be relative to how ready they are to abandon their individual childhood traditions and create a new, hybrid one.