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In a relationship do you stand firm or give in?

SarahSun

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What i mean by that is you and your partner disagree and you feel you are right is it important for you to be firm and insist on what you want or do you say, what the heck i'll do what my partner wants. As an example i had a relationship for 2 years. My BF was really good to me so i dont have alot of complaints. However, he had 2 friends that came over quite often. I didnt care for either one of them. Not to go into long boring details but i asked him once to please not have them come over so often. He said they were best friends since 6th grade. He asked me why and i said i didnt have good feelings about them. Anyway, i ended up just putting up with them but hated every minute they were there.

How important is it to stand up for yourself?
 
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I aim to live to fight another day. Besides, I'm usually wrong anyway.
 
You would have had more fun to go out with the girls when his buddies came over.
I did if i knew they were coming, lol. They showed up all the darn time.
 
My motto … Never settle for anything less than half.
 
What i mean by that is you and your partner disagree and you feel you are right is it important for you to be firm and insist on what you want or do you say, what the heck i'll do what my partner wants. As an example i had a relationship for 2 years. My BF was really good to me so i dont have alot of complaints. However, he had 2 friends that came over quite often. I didnt care for either one of them. Not to go into long boring details but i asked him once to please not have them come over so often. He said they were best friends since 6th grade. He asked me why and i said i didnt have good feelings about them. Anyway, i ended up just putting up with them but hated every minute they were there.

How important is it to stand up for yourself?

If you have a passive personality and always give in you will never be happy.

If you have an aggressive personality and always "win" you will never be content.

What one should strive for is balance.

Tell your boyfriend if he is so close to them he may as well also sleep with them instead of you.

No, don't put up with that bullshit.
 
If you have a passive personality and always give in you will never be happy.

If you have an aggressive personality and always "win" you will never be content.

What one should strive for is balance.

Tell your boyfriend if he is so close to them he may as well also sleep with them instead of you.

No, don't put up with that bullshit.
Thanks. Life is a learning experience. I like your advice
 
If you have a passive personality and always give in you will never be happy.

If you have an aggressive personality and always "win" you will never be content.

What one should strive for is balance.

Tell your boyfriend if he is so close to them he may as well also sleep with them instead of you.

No, don't put up with that bullshit.
I am on the passive side
 
What i mean by that is you and your partner disagree and you feel you are right is it important for you to be firm and insist on what you want or do you say, what the heck i'll do what my partner wants. As an example i had a relationship for 2 years. My BF was really good to me so i dont have alot of complaints. However, he had 2 friends that came over quite often. I didnt care for either one of them. Not to go into long boring details but i asked him once to please not have them come over so often. He said they were best friends since 6th grade. He asked me why and i said i didnt have good feelings about them. Anyway, i ended up just putting up with them but hated every minute they were there.

How important is it to stand up for yourself?
You have 3 ways to handle any problem , and only 3 !!! You may use two at a time or all 3 at once, however. They are: 1). Learn to live with it. 2). Get away from it. 3). attack it---do something about it.....
 
It's a matter of gives and takes when dating... boundaries spontaneously form then dissipate, and met/unmet expectations are traded off against other aspects of the relationship. This changes when the relationship evolves and you start sharing a home and family; then it becomes important to have clear boundaries, open conversation about them, and strength of will to commit to protecting them for the good of the family.
 
then a user will be naturally attracted to you (without even realizing why)
Well, i tend to allow a man to take control, maybe too much
 
You have 3 ways to handle any problem , and only 3 !!! You may use two at a time or all 3 at once, however. They are: 1). Learn to live with it. 2). Get away from it. 3). attack it---do something about it.....
You are very right!!
 
It's a matter of gives and takes when dating... boundaries spontaneously form them dissipate, and met/unmet expectations are traded off against other aspects of the relationship. This changes when the relationship evolves and you start sharing a home and family; then it becomes important to have clear boundaries, open conversation about them, and strength of will to commit to protecting them for the good of the family.
Thank you so much. I did have a problem in my 2 year relationship in just being myself. I wanted to be what he wanted me to be too often. My perfect love will love me for being strong, at least i hope so.
 
It is fine to relinquish control because you want to.

It is unhealthy for you to give up control if it leaves you unhappy. This will erode your self esteem.
I thought i was happy but i do suffer from not thinking im "good enough"
 
I thought i was happy but i do suffer from not thinking im "good enough"

yes, that is obvious in your posts. You should seek therapy to work on this.

This makes you the perfect target for a predatory dater. Someone that still hangs out with "the guys" but uses you for his needs that they can't satisfy. ;)
 
yes, that is obvious in your posts. You should seek therapy to work on this.

This makes you the perfect target for a predatory dater. Someone that still hangs out with "the guys" but uses you for his needs that they can't satisfy. ;)
Thanks. You have a way of getting me to open up. Another person here is like that. It means alot to me. Oh, if you read my welcome thread i have my second date tomorrow. He treated me like a princess on our first date. They always do though, right? I do think when i find my love i will know it.
 
It is fine to relinquish control because you want to.

It is unhealthy for you to give up control if it leaves you unhappy. This will erode your self esteem.

I don't even understand all this "control" stuff.
I've never felt the NEED to be "IN CONTROL" of a relationship, so I shy away from potential partners who think in those terms.
We're both on a path together, same road, same destination (hopefully) and every so often it's "I'm going to drive" and then later it's their turn to drive.

But taking turns at the wheel isn't control, because we agreed to be going to the same destination and going down the same road.
And that's where "control" leaves me feeling dragged down, because "control" means one partner wants to go to a different destination, hence the NEED for "control".
That means that person is not on the same path, we're not traveling together, it's more like we're taking turns at "carjacking" each other.

I don't exactly LOVE ALL of Karen's friends "from before" but they're okay enough I am okay hanging out with them, and she's not over the moon about ALL of my friends but she's okay enough with those friends that she doesn't mind them being around from time to time.
And if it ever reached the point where their presence bothered her that much, I'd probably sense a similar feeling because ----- "we are on the same road together" as I mentioned earlier.
My friends are her friends and her friends are my friends and we both like MOST of them A LOT, so it's really only one or two that are lower on the totem pole in my mind, and probably vice versa.
Those one or two aren't bad, it's just that I don't have as much in common with them, that's all.

Example: One of her former shipmates in the Navy, a guy named Todd...he's very different from the crowd I hang with...his politics are vastly different, he has different tastes in music and his personality is very different. But he's an okay guy, and he was a good friend when she was in the Navy. I like that they keep in touch because he's a touchstone to her past back when she wasn't in a wheelchair.
And besides, it's fun to hear him tell those Navy stories, and it's fun to watch them go over all that stuff. He's a nice guy.
It's just that I probably wouldn't have sought him out as a friend if I'd just met him outside of my relationship with Karen.

The motorhead guy down the street that I hang out with is very different from everyone else SHE knows, but he's nice to Karen and she doesn't mind when he comes by.
It really is mostly "my friends are her friends and vice versa".
 
Thanks. You have a way of getting me to open up. Another person here is like that. It means alot to me. Oh, if you read my welcome thread i have my second date tomorrow. He treated me like a princess on our first date. They always do though, right? I do think when i find my love i will know it.

It's just like at a new job, the best performance you get is on the first few days.

Worry about compatibility and don't let the princess treatment sway you. Enjoy it by all means but think with your head, not emotion.

What where how was your first date?

Feel free to PM me, answer here or not answer at all if you feels it's too private a question.

peace
 
I don't even understand all this "control" stuff.
I've never felt the NEED to be "IN CONTROL" of a relationship, so I shy away from potential partners who think in those terms.
We're both on a path together, same road, same destination (hopefully) and every so often it's "I'm going to drive" and then later it's their turn to drive.

But taking turns at the wheel isn't control, because we agreed to be going to the same destination and going down the same road.
And that's where "control" leaves me feeling dragged down, because "control" means one partner wants to go to a different destination, hence the NEED for "control".
That means that person is not on the same path, we're not traveling together, it's more like we're taking turns at "carjacking" each other.

I don't exactly LOVE ALL of Karen's friends "from before" but they're okay enough I am okay hanging out with them, and she's not over the moon about ALL of my friends but she's okay enough with those friends that she doesn't mind them being around from time to time.
And if it ever reached the point where their presence bothered her that much, I'd probably sense a similar feeling because ----- "we are on the same road together" as I mentioned earlier.
My friends are her friends and her friends are my friends and we both like MOST of them A LOT, so it's really only one or two that are lower on the totem pole in my mind, and probably vice versa.
Those one or two aren't bad, it's just that I don't have as much in common with them, that's all.

Example: One of her former shipmates in the Navy, a guy named Todd...he's very different from the crowd I hang with...his politics are vastly different, he has different tastes in music and his personality is very different. But he's an okay guy, and he was a good friend when she was in the Navy. I like that they keep in touch because he's a touchstone to her past back when she wasn't in a wheelchair.
And besides, it's fun to hear him tell those Navy stories, and it's fun to watch them go over all that stuff. He's a nice guy.
It's just that I probably wouldn't have sought him out as a friend if I'd just met him outside of my relationship with Karen.

The motorhead guy down the street that I hang out with is very different from everyone else SHE knows, but he's nice to Karen and she doesn't mind when he comes by.
It really is mostly "my friends are her friends and vice versa".
thats a solid relationship!
 
I've never felt the NEED to be "IN CONTROL" of a relationship, so I shy away from potential partners who think in those terms.

It's almost always unconscious so I am not sure there are many who consciously think in such terms.,

We're both on a path together, same road, same destination (hopefully) and every so often it's "I'm going to drive" and then later it's their turn to drive.

Perfect

Sounds all good in your home.
 
thats a solid relationship!

It's the very thing I seek out.
Sure, when I was in my twenties I didn't give any of the above any thought whatsoever...I just wanted a girlfriend so I could get laid.
But like most people, once I began to hit my mid-twenties I'd gotten a lot of that "sowing the wild oats" thing out of my system and I began to look for something more.

Yes, I was enthralled with how beautiful Karen is, but the "lightning bolt" that made me an instant goner was the fact that she was "WYSIWYG"....she was real, there's no guile in that woman.
And what with me being on the spectrum, I am not wired for games, guile, predatory tactics, or "getting over" ....it's just not how my mind works.
 
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