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If Trump Hired Roseanne to Call Valerie Jarrett an Ape

Rob Larrikin

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She wouldn’t get paid.

Here’s how it would go:


Scene: Trump Tower, New York. Trump sits down with Roseanne Barr

Trump: Thanks for supporting me on your new show, Roseanne.
Barr: Aw, that’s okay. That don’t mean I’m not a liberal, though the Left now hates me.
Trump: Sure. Listen Roseanne, I was recently called some horrible names by Valerie Jarrett.
Barr: Really? I didn’t hear about it.
Trump: It was private – not on TV.
Barr: Oh.
Trump: I’d like you to do something for me, and I’ll pay you for it.
Barr: Okay, like what?
Trump: I want you to go on Twitter and tweet a message.
Barr: What would it say?
Trump: You would call Valerie Jarrett an ape.
Barr: Um… no way - I’d get canned.
Trump: Which is why I’ll pay you ten million clams.
Barr: Ten million? For saying Valerie Jarrett is an ape?
Trump: Yup.

[Later that night Trump logs onto Twitter, looks at Roseanne’s tweets and calls Roseanne]

Barr: Hello?
Trump: What the hell, Roseanne?
Barr: What?
Trump: Your tweet! It says, “muslim brotherhood & planet of the apes had a baby=vj.”
Barr: Uh huh.
Trump: That’s not what I asked for!
Barr: Not good enough?
Trump: It doesn’t say Valerie Jarrett is an ape!
Barr: No, well like I say, I didn’t want to get canned.
Trump: I don’t get it…
Barr: I used a time honored method to insult her, without really insulting her.
Trump: I don’t get it. What are you talking about?
Barr: You know, like when the creators of South Park wanted to say that Tom Cruise was gay, but he would have sued them.
Trump: I don’t watch South Park.
Barr: They had him go in a closet and others asked him to come out. Then he says, “No, I’m not coming out of the closet,” and this repeats over. See it on YouTube.
Trump: Okay…
Barr: So I didn’t break any rules by using words that could get me canned.
Trump: Yeah, but it didn’t have enough oomph, so I can’t really pay you.
Barr: Why not?
Trump: Roseanne, don’t break my balls. You didn’t call her an ape!

[Later Trump gets a call from Barr]

Trump: Hi Roseanne.
Barr: Donald, I’ve been canned.
Trump: Why?
Barr: They say I called Valerie Jarrett an ape!
Trump: But you didn’t!
Barr: I know.
Trump: That’s the Left for you.
Barr: Hundreds will lose their jobs now.
Trump: What will you do?
Barr: My advisors say I have to grovel and apologize even though I called nobody an ape.
Trump: Man, that sucks. See, now if you did it my way, at least you’d have the cash…
Barr: Yes, I should have called her an ape, since I'm being punished for that.
Trump: I can’t believe those idiots. All they accomplished was to piss off fans of your show.
 
That post comes across like it was written by the love child of the Ku Klux Klan and The Aryan Brotherhood.
 

And people say I spend too much time thinking about the President....
 

You should write a book...but then, I suspect nobody would buy it.

Never mind.
 
Later that day, Barr meets up with Obama for lunch.

Scene: Obama’s house, with a newly built large wall out front.

Obama: Howdy Roseanne.
Barr: Hi Mr. President.
Obama: I saw the news about you being sacked for calling Valerie Jarrett an ape…
Barr: Yes, it’s a shame. I didn’t even get to call her an ape, yet I’ve been sacked for it.
Obama: Wait – they said on CNN that you called her an ape.
Barr: No sir. I said this [hands Obama a piece of paper]
Obama: [reads] muslim brotherhood & planet of the apes had a baby=vj.
Barr: [smiles]
Obama: [scratching head] What does that even mean?
Barr: A friend wanted me to call her an ape and that’s the closest I got. It was late and I’d taken sleeping pills.
Obama: But it doesn’t make any sense. The Muslim Brotherhood is an Islamist organization founded in Egypt in 1928.
Barr: Uh huh.
Obama: And ‘planet of the apes’ is a TV show made in the 70’s about some astronauts and white guys dressed up as corny looking chimps.
Barr: Uh huh.
Obama: Then you say these two organizations had a baby?
Barr: Yeah, funny eh?
Obama: It’s not even possible. It’s ludicrous. Organizations can’t have babies!
Barr: Sure – it’s a joke.
Obama: Then you say, “=vj.”
Barr: Uh huh.
Obama: You didn’t even say the name Valerie Jarrett.
Barr: Nope. Just vj. It was a pretty hopeless insult.
Obama: You didn’t call Jarrett an ape at all, not by any stretch of the imagination.
Barr: I’m glad you agree.
Obama: Jarrett isn’t black anyway. She’s 5/8 white, fer Christ’s sake.
Barr: True…
Obama: Yet everyone is saying it was shameful how you ‘called her an ape’. Why, I even heard you saying something like that.
Barr: I had no choice. The whole world insisted I apologize for “calling her an ape” so I did.
Obama: Why can’t anyone call anyone an ape without them getting their balls in a knot?
Barr: They say it’s racist to call blacks apes.
Obama: But all humans are already apes.
Barr: I know. It’s crazy.
Obama: Well you can call me an ape any time.
Barr: And you can call me an ape any time.
Obama: Let’s have some lunch.
Barr: Got any jd?
Obama: Is that another liberal?
Barr: No, Jack Daniels…
Obama: Oh sure. I’ll take mine straight.
 
The next day Roseanne Barr is required to appear in court on charges of libel. Valerie Jarrett has accused her of calling her an ape.

Scene: Courtroom. Judge White presides. Valerie Jarrett is in the witness box.

Judge: Ms Jarrett, you say the accused called you an ape.
Jarrett: Yes Your Honor.
Judge: What exactly did she say?
Jarrett: She said muslim brotherhood…
Judge: What’s that?
Jarrett: Um… it’s an Islamist organization founded in Egypt in 1928, Your Honor.
Judge: Okay, an Islamist organization, go on.
Jarrett: & planet of the apes…
Judge: What’s that?
Jarrett: It’s a 1974 TV show, in which some white guys dress up as chimps in bad makeup.
Judge: Okay, a TV show full of white guys. Has she called you an ape yet?
Jarrett: No Your Honor.
Judge: Okay, go on.
Jarrett: had a baby=vj
Judge: Had a baby equals vj? What’s that mean?
Jarrett: Your Honor, it means the Islamist organization and the TV show full of white guys had a baby…
Judge: How could they have a baby?
Jarrett: They couldn’t Your Honor – it’s a joke.
Judge: A joke? You brought us all here over a joke?
Jarrett: It’s the next part that is evil and hurtful Your Honor.
Judge: Where she says, “had a baby=vj”
Jarrett: Yes, Your Honor.
Judge: What is ‘vj’?
Jarrett: That would be me, Your Honor.
Judge: Is your name ‘vj’?
Jarrett: Yes.
Judge: No it isn’t.
Jarrett: It is, Your Honor.
Judge: I’m afraid not. Your name, as I can see on this complaint, is Valerie June Jarrett.
Jarrett: Yes Your Honor but ‘vj’ are my initials.
Judge: So what? They’re also Victoria Jackson’s, Victoria Justice’s, Vinnie Jones’ Van Johnson’s and hundreds of others.
Jarrett: Yes, but Barr apologized to me so it was definitely me…
Judge: I’m not judging her statement according to whom she thought it applied to, or whom you thought it applied to, but simply on its own right, which is how it should be judged. She said ‘vj’ and ‘vj’ does NOT mean “Valerie June Jarrett” whether you like it or not.
Jarrett: Yes but…
Judge: So far you have shown no evidence that Barr called you an ape. Do you have anything else?
Jarrett: Um… but… she… I mean…
Judge: Ms Jarrett, you worked for the government?
Jarrett: Yes…
Judge: Was it your job to destroy jobs and industry?
Jarrett: Why, no, of course not...
Judge: Yet hundreds have lost their jobs because Roseanne’s show was canned.
Jarrett: Er… yes, well I…
Judge: Is that serving the public you’re supposed to serve, Ms Jarrett?
Jarrett: Um…
Judge: Get out Ms Jarrett, and don’t let me see you cluttering up the court’s time again with this hornswoggle.
Jarrett: But Your Honor… [guards escort her out]
Judge: Ms Barr?
Barr: Yes?
Judge: You have my sympathy ma’am. I hope your show gets back on air. I enjoyed it myself.
Barr: Why thank you judge. Thank you so much.
Judge: And mind what you tweet you hear? I post stuff online myself, only I use an alias. I can’t tell you who I am, but I’m quite the larrikin up there.
Barr: Okay Judge. Will do.
 
Leave the comedy to funny people
 
If Trump Hired Roseanne to Call Valerie Jarrett an Ape
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How does something of that nature even manage to cross one's mind?
 
Cardinal said:
That post comes across like it was written by the love child of the Ku Klux Klan and The Aryan Brotherhood.
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It’s one thing to toss insults around; anyone can do that. It’s quite another to explain your position. One is a heckler; the other a thinker.
 
Rob Larrikin said:
It’s one thing to toss insults around; anyone can do that. It’s quite another to explain your position. One is a heckler; the other a thinker.
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I didn't insult you.
 
Cardinal said:
I didn't insult you.
Click to expand...

"Written by the love child of the Ku Klux Klan and The Aryan Brotherhood," is far clearer than “muslim brotherhood & planet of the apes had a baby=vj," and you don't get to decide whom your insults insult.
 
Rob Larrikin said:
"Written by the love child of the Ku Klux Klan and The Aryan Brotherhood," is far clearer than “muslim brotherhood & planet of the apes had a baby=vj," and you don't get to decide whom your insults insult.
Click to expand...

There was no "whom" in my post. It was referring to the post and not a person.
 
Cardinal said:
There was no "whom" in my post. It was referring to the post and not a person.
Click to expand...

You were indeed referring to a person – the author of the post.

Cardinal said:
That post comes across like it was written by the love child of the Ku Klux Klan and The Aryan Brotherhood.
Click to expand...
 
Rob Larrikin said:
You were indeed referring to a person – the author of the post.
Click to expand...

That post comes across like it was written by the love child of the Ku Klux Klan and The Aryan Brotherhood.

The subject of that sentence is "that post." You're unnaturally obsessed with the sentence's predicate. If you are taking this personally then that's on you, not me.
 
Cardinal said:
That post comes across like it was written by the love child of the Ku Klux Klan and The Aryan Brotherhood.

The subject of that sentence is "that post."
Click to expand...

That’s a Straw Man, since it is not “that post” by itself that insults.

Cardinal said:
That post comes across like it was written by the love child of the Ku Klux Klan and The Aryan Brotherhood.
Click to expand...

What’s more, had I said this about any of your posts I would have been banned and you know it.
 
Rob Larrikin said:
That’s a Straw Man, since it is not “that post” by itself that insults.



What’s more, had I said this about any of your posts I would have been banned and you know it.
Click to expand...

You neither understand the meaning of "straw man" nor the difference between a subject and a predicate. Your confusion is not my problem.

Why is it you're so offended by the "Ku Klux Klan" and the "Aryan Brotherhood" parts anyway?
 
Rob Larrikin said:
It’s Straw Man.



Your idea that an insult can be smoothed over using rigmarole and double talk is amusing, but wrong.
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As I said, your lack of comprehension of the meaning of a straw man and the difference between a subject and a predicate are not my problem.

As I asked, what is it you find so insulting anyway?
 
Rob Larrikin said:
How does it not?
Click to expand...

I can't enumerate all the ways in which asinine thoughts such as the one Ms. Barr expressed, or the one posited in this thread's title, can not cross one's mind. I suppose being well informed about the ineluctable impacts and non-impacts skin color and race have in determining one's character, cognitions and comportment is a plausible way to abet disabusing oneself of having such thoughts. Another way is to divest oneself of puerility. I'm sure there must be other ways to avoid and eschew conjuring absurd notions.
 
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Translation:

I can’t number the ways in which stupid thoughts like Ms. Barr’s, or the one suggested in the OP, cannot cross one's mind. I suppose being well informed about the effects skin color and race have in determining one's behavior is a plausible way to avoid having such thoughts. Another way is to stop being childish. I'm sure there must be other ways to avoid raising absurd notions.​
​

What’s absurd about paying someone to tweet an insult?
 

You just keep thinking that...

Of all the people who post on DP, I am among those whose writings need no translation. I mean neither more nor less than precisely what I write.
 
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