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I just want to help (rant)

PoliSciPulse

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This week, my brother took it upon himself to tell me how he lived his life and to take what I wanted from it and try to incorporate it into my life. He had this bullet point/TED Talk thing on his phone. He started the speech sounding like an intervention, and it ended when I asked him to stop. While he was trying to help me (if I take him at face value), the approach he took -- not allowing for conversation and expecting me to listen and not talk -- is what you do if you want to drag me through the mud. In fact, if he had asked my parents or anyone I have spoken to in the last thirty years -- inlcuding my ex in college, who knew me for like a month -- and told them his plan, they would say his plan would probably not get he result he wanted because that is the approach you take when you communicate that I am in trouble and want to hold me responsible.

Some of what he said ("You did xyz today, but the business world won't care" -- I was tired and asked him if I could send a resume in the morning to him) was like he was talking to me ten years ago. He assumed that what he saw me do in 20 minutes in my parent's house (where I am staying until I get a job) (I walked downstairs in my robe to put something on the counter) meant I was comfortable and should be uncomfortable.

Here's what he didn't know about me/seemed not to care about:
I had a full-time job for three years. I know the corporate world. You can have a full-on mental breakdown due to stress and be in the process of repairing yourself, and your bosses won't care.

Comfortable? Maybe 95% of people wired the same way might be comfortable in my position and think they have a cakewalk. But, you know what's comfortable for me? Complacency, giving up (not suicide, just giving up on trying every day), depression (familiar comfort), and self-isolation. Depending on the day, anything not in these four categories falls between neutral and not comfortable. So, if this is faking it til you make it, then I've been doing that most of my life. Getting up to face the world sometimes pushes barriers depending on the day and my mood.

And now, you're doing what I think is asking me to "Act normal?" Have a 9-5 job when I am 100% purebred nocturnal somehow. I can attend morning meetings, but then I will have to crash. My best individual work happens in the dead of night. It has been this way for as long as I can remember.

So being normal and having a 9-5 job denies my underlying psychology. I tried it once because there was a job I wanted to keep. I wound up having mental health issues.

In sum, he's not asking me to "be uncomfortable all the time;" he's asking me to be uncomfortable all the time on top of the discomfort I feel as a default.

For example, there are five people in the house right now. My brother and his fianceé, my mom and my dad, and me are under the same roof for the week. My dad is usually quiet. I can concentrate on one audio stream no problem. But now there are three audio streams, and I feel very overwhelmed trying to process the audio.

He knows little about me. We've spoken maybe five times in the past two years. I find it presumptive of him to think he can help when he doesn't know me and what I do for five minutes and have whatever minor transgression rubbed in my face as "proof" that I am acting the way he says.

The conversation, as uninformed and well-intentioned as it was, caused me to shut down for about a day. I had to force myself to eat and lost progress on my job search.
 
There really are people that are built for the night. This is a short read from Web M.D. >

Jeri Solomon is a morning person. Jim, her husband of 11 years, is not. Early in their relationship, it posed quite a problem. "When we were planning our wedding, I wanted to have these big discussions at 11a.m., when I had been up for two hours and was fresh, but Jim would just be getting out of bed," says the 46-year-old floral designer from Melrose, Mass. "We ended up getting into a lot of arguments because I took his shrugs to be disinterest, when really he was just still half-asleep."

The couple learned to work around their differences over the years, but their situation is NOT uncommon, says Katherine Sharkey, MD, PhD, assistant professor of internal medicine and psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University and associate director of the Sleep for Science Research Lab. "More women tend to be larks, while men lean toward being night owls," she says.

What Causes Sleep Patterns​

The question is: Why? The answer lies in each individual's biological internal clock -- or circadian rhythm, as scientists call it. "The human clock is about 24 hours, thanks to Earth's 24-hour light-dark cycle," Sharkey says. "But some people have a slightly longer natural cycle, and some are slightly shorter." If your circadian rhythm is on the long side, you're more likely to be a night owl. About 15 percent of the population are made for the night!
 
Must be nice to be a lark. 95% of the world works like that.

Part of the reason why I was triggered is because this conversation is exactly the one (almost word-for-word) of what my corporate supervisor was saying before I quit. I had massive PTSD after that. I would really like to not have PTSD from my brother if it can be avoided.

They redesigned my job without my input (maybe a token glance in my direction), took me off of everything I was skilled at, and then said, "Change is constant." Yeah, but if you change my job to something I don't have the skills for and/or I'm supposed to design when you've told me that what I'm good at/have the skills for I'm not supposed to do... ? (If I was guessing, they wanted me for some middle manager or leadership position, aka, be more like them. I do not have the skills or mental stamina to manage people in any capacity)

My approach is, think of it as designing a house. You have the basement/trap door. That's where all the comfortable things are, the things that are (in my case) actually bad for your progress. Then, you need to the first floor to pave over the trap door. You kind of keep a loose stone or two over the trap door, but generally you've paved over it and it's hard to open. Then, you need the supports in your life to be ready to support you and catch you when stuff goes south or you fail. You gradually build that house.

I mean, this is the year I actually have a positive, working relationship with my mother. She's a rock-solid support all of a sudden ( :p ). Getting a job would be the second floor now that the supports are in.

Oh, and for someone with Asperger's like myself, a job is, by definition uncomfortable.

Thank you for your kind words! :)
 
This week, my brother took it upon himself to tell me how he lived his life and to take what I wanted from it and try to incorporate it into my life. He had this bullet point/TED Talk thing on his phone. He started the speech sounding like an intervention, and it ended when I asked him to stop. While he was trying to help me (if I take him at face value), the approach he took -- not allowing for conversation and expecting me to listen and not talk -- is what you do if you want to drag me through the mud. In fact, if he had asked my parents or anyone I have spoken to in the last thirty years -- inlcuding my ex in college, who knew me for like a month -- and told them his plan, they would say his plan would probably not get he result he wanted because that is the approach you take when you communicate that I am in trouble and want to hold me responsible.

Some of what he said ("You did xyz today, but the business world won't care" -- I was tired and asked him if I could send a resume in the morning to him) was like he was talking to me ten years ago. He assumed that what he saw me do in 20 minutes in my parent's house (where I am staying until I get a job) (I walked downstairs in my robe to put something on the counter) meant I was comfortable and should be uncomfortable.

Here's what he didn't know about me/seemed not to care about:
I had a full-time job for three years. I know the corporate world. You can have a full-on mental breakdown due to stress and be in the process of repairing yourself, and your bosses won't care.


I have been where you are. They called it PTSD. I called it fright and panic on top of a lopsided, dying planet.

At first the only 'treatment' they had was to send me to art classes. I discovered I had some talent which I have now converted to further photography. In the process an amazing thing happened. I met people just like me. I made friends.

Today we are family. I've lost count but at least one is gay, two are lesbian and a transgender and me....I appear as an old white guy. I like being underestimated.

Sometimes we hang out and do art, but mostly talk. Sometimes we have movie night & popcorn. We are all recovered addicts. When the phone rings any timeof day we are there for one another.

I know this does not relate to your 'now. But this 'now' is going to change...and so will you. The first, hardest step is asking for help. You just did.

Changing your 'now' begins within. You are responding to 'triggers' implanted decades ago, by, it appears, people who do not have your best interests at heart. Stop listening. It's lies.

Start with some simple steps, write out a gratitude list of the things you have instead of giving in to what is not. If you have anyone who understands outside your family, gor for it. Hand write the story of your life....etc.

If you need to message me through this site it will hit my in box.

You are stronger than your know. You don't realize it right now but it took a man sized man to have the courage to post your situation. Huge Juevos!~
 
Don't give up. Where you'll have to be patient is in that you present some non-traditional employment considerations. Not every job or company is going to be a fit for working nights or off alone. You'll find a good fit as long as you don't give up looking. You may have to make some concessions too? The key is don't give up on yourself.
 
Don't give up. Where you'll have to be patient is in that you present some non-traditional employment considerations. Not every job or company is going to be a fit for working nights or off alone. You'll find a good fit as long as you don't give up looking. You may have to make some concessions too? The key is don't give up on yourself.
The biggest concession I give companies is that I will make all of their meetings and will meet all deadlines (sometimes 12 hours in advance if needed). I don't care if the meetings are at 8 AM or 3 PM, I will be there. My brother did not realize I had ever done that. Like I said, his little advice session wound up more exposing how little he knows about me.

Freelancing is an option. I have a blog that I hope will one day make money through donations. Etc. Giving up is not in my future; my point about that is that it's just so much easier and more comfortable to do that. Even if I'm making a token effort at finding a job on a given day because that's all I can muster, it is still me not giving up.

Thank you for the kind words.
 
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