I have no clue what to do.

[Your Star]

So, I find myself in a bit of a pickle, and I kind of have the urge to write about it and see what you all think, so here goes nothing.

Last October me and my friend from work decided to go to Pride together, and we had a fun time and really bonded over that weekend and have continued to hang out since, and we've really become the best of friends. We constantly text, hang out, etc. There isn't a person out there that I trust more, nor is there a person I'd rather hang out with. We have fun, we make each other laugh, and being with her is just easy, if that makes sense. Anyways, she told me a while back that she had a crush on me, and I was really flattered, and admitted that I had started to develop feelings for her as well.

So, what's the problem you may ask? She has a boyfriend. Okay, first off, she's bi, with a strong leaning towards women, so I'm not worried about her not being serious about being with a girl or anything. Now normally, I'd respect the boundaries, and I did, which is why nothing came of it when we first told each other we had feelings. The kicker here is that he is an abusive dead beat asshole, and my friend is in a situation where she doesn't have the self confidence to kick him out of her house and finally leave him. She's been through a lot of **** in her life, and most of her relationships have been abusive, so I get it. Though, it is frustrating to see your best friend in a situation like this. They've been together for 5 years, and from what she's told me it's been all sorts of trouble for a while. He's cheated on her, he's pushed her around, he doesn't pay any of the bills, he works like two days a week at Gamestop while my friend has a full-time job making 3 dollars above the minimum wage trying to support herself, her daughter(not his), and his sorry ass.

Now, why am I writing this in this particular forum? Well, they are officially broken up at the moment, he still lives there, but they're not really talking. This is in large part due to me and her having a several hour talk in the middle of the night at a Waffle House telling her that breaking it off with him would be the best thing for her and her daughter. However, he isn't out of the house yet, and I'm not sure she's gonna make him leave anytime soon. Now, all this time, we have continued to flirt, pretty aggressively sometimes, and it's hard not to get mixed feelings. On the one hand I want her to leave this douche, spend some time single and find herself, and then maybe she'd be ready for a relationship.

On the other, my feelings for her are just getting stronger, and it seems that her feelings for me are doing the same, so it's hard to not want to go for it, especially since it wouldn't be cheating at the moment. I feel like this relationship could really be something if we gave it a try, and I feel like if she had someone to go to it would be easier for her to fully leave the asshole that's in her house. Then again, that would probably make her really dependent on me, which I'm fine with, but I don't want her healing of this abuse she'd endured to be centered on me; she needs to find herself. Though, it's getting to the point where if we don't address these feelings between us, it's just going to become awkward and I don't want that. I really like this girl, and just, UGH I don't know what to do.

Any advice would be welcome, if you can understand that stream of consciousness blob of words.

 

[RetiredUSN]

If the girl-girl thingy works the same as straight person like myself, just be honest and tell her how you feel.

I hope things work out.

 

[SmokeAndMirrors]

So, I find myself in a bit of a pickle, and I kind of have the urge to write about it and see what you all think, so here goes nothing.

Last October me and my friend from work decided to go to Pride together, and we had a fun time and really bonded over that weekend and have continued to hang out since, and we've really become the best of friends. We constantly text, hang out, etc. There isn't a person out there that I trust more, nor is there a person I'd rather hang out with. We have fun, we make each other laugh, and being with her is just easy, if that makes sense. Anyways, she told me a while back that she had a crush on me, and I was really flattered, and admitted that I had started to develop feelings for her as well.

So, what's the problem you may ask? She has a boyfriend. Okay, first off, she's bi, with a strong leaning towards women, so I'm not worried about her not being serious about being with a girl or anything. Now normally, I'd respect the boundaries, and I did, which is why nothing came of it when we first told each other we had feelings. The kicker here is that he is an abusive dead beat asshole, and my friend is in a situation where she doesn't have the self confidence to kick him out of her house and finally leave him. She's been through a lot of **** in her life, and most of her relationships have been abusive, so I get it. Though, it is frustrating to see your best friend in a situation like this. They've been together for 5 years, and from what she's told me it's been all sorts of trouble for a while. He's cheated on her, he's pushed her around, he doesn't pay any of the bills, he works like two days a week at Gamestop while my friend has a full-time job making 3 dollars above the minimum wage trying to support herself, her daughter(not his), and his sorry ass.

Now, why am I writing this in this particular forum? Well, they are officially broken up at the moment, he still lives there, but they're not really talking. This is in large part due to me and her having a several hour talk in the middle of the night at a Waffle House telling her that breaking it off with him would be the best thing for her and her daughter. However, he isn't out of the house yet, and I'm not sure she's gonna make him leave anytime soon. Now, all this time, we have continued to flirt, pretty aggressively sometimes, and it's hard not to get mixed feelings. On the one hand I want her to leave this douche...

(char limit)

Whew...

YS, if I were you, honestly, I'd stay away from this situation for now. At least romantically.

Obviously she's got a lot to deal with. Obviously she hasn't quite got her head right as far as her self-worth and the way her life is working right now. If she's been with this guy that long, I'm going to take a guess and say that this goes deeper into her self-concept and personality than just getting caught off guard by one bad relationship.

And then I hear you saying this: "I feel like this relationship could really be something if we gave it a try, and I feel like if she had someone to go to it would be easier for her to fully leave the asshole that's in her house."

I have a friend who thinks like this sometimes. It's gotten her into a lot of bad relationships.

She already has someone to go to. You're her friend. What you're saying here is that if only you were romantically involved with her, you could "save her" from herself. Careful with that... when you ask for an emotion dependent, you tend to get what you ask for.

You say you're "ok" with her being dependent on you, but that is a really unhealthy way for relationships to function. And believe me, you will tire of being her "white knight" eventually. You need to care about yourself too, and she's not offering you much in terms of emotional availability or maturity. That's not a relationship.

She needs to learn how to save and value her own self. Be her friend. But don't volunteer for emotional dependency like that.

Then there's the problematic nature of the fact that she initiated the talking about wanting to be with you while she was still with him. I'll leave you to your thoughts on that one and what it says about how she thinks and this situation.

And still living with him with no plans to leave? Dude... no. You're asking for trouble. This is some Real Housewives mess just waiting to happen.

Just keep in mind there's always gonna be more people out there that you could really like, and some of them won't come with this many issues. I know it's hard to see when you're a little smitten, but it's true.

People are messy. I'm guilty of not taking my own advice on things on a fairly regular basis, so no judgement here. But this just screams bad news to me in every way, from the emotionally unhealthy dynamic, to the questionable sense of dating ethics, to the terrible living situation.

For what it's worth, for someone who's circled the block a time or two.

 

[Hawkeye10]

1) she almost certainly wants to be used by men, if not outright abused by men, only she can change that, and if she did it would be after reaching a bottom in her life

2) it rarely is going to work out for you to be considered a homewrecker

3) with no money he is not going anywhere unless he is shoved out the door, and the odds that this woman does that are about zero unless he has family or someone to take him in.


What you do is talk to her, tell her that while you are open to a relationship with her in the future now is not the right time, for now you want to be a good friend. And if she wants to stay with the guy you dont get in her way, you tell her that you are there for her if she changes her mind. You respect her choices. And if things settle down with him or he ends up gone maybe you two can do something more.

 

[Your Star]

Obviously she's got a lot to deal with. Obviously she hasn't quite got her head right as far as her self-worth and the way her life is working right now. If she's been with this guy that long, I'm going to take a guess and say that this goes deeper into her self-concept and personality than just getting caught off guard by one bad relationship.

Yeah, this isn't even the worst relationship she's had. The father of her child seriously beat her, even broke her arm and all sorts of nasty ****. Yet, the only reason she left him was because social services told her that if she didn't get out of that situation they would take her baby. This is definitely something she needs to work through. If we started dating, I would be the first person she's dated that wasn't abusive to her or a drug addict. It's really hard to hear how she's been **** on by so many people she's trusted, and logically I know it would be best for her to be single for a while. It's just hard to ignore these kind of feelings and not want to hope for the best.

And then I hear you saying this: "I feel like this relationship could really be something if we gave it a try, and I feel like if she had someone to go to it would be easier for her to fully leave the asshole that's in her house."

I have a friend who thinks like this sometimes. It's gotten her into a lot of bad relationships.

She already has someone to go to. You're her friend. What you're saying here is that if only you were romantically involved with her, you could "save her" from herself. Careful with that... when you ask for an emotion dependent, you tend to get what you ask for.

You say you're "ok" with her being dependent on you, but that is a really unhealthy way for relationships to function. And believe me, you will tire of being her "white knight" eventually. You need to care about yourself too, and she's not offering you much in terms of emotional availability or maturity. That's not a relationship.

Yeah, that honestly has me scared a bit, too. I always wanna help the people that I care about, and if I can do something for them I'll do it, and I know it has to be more of a two way street in romantic relationships. IDK, it's just hard to resist that urge. And also, I more meant that I'd be okay with it in the short term. My big worry is that if we did get involved now, that's what would happen. She hasn't been single for a long period since she was 14. I know she needs to find herself, but like I said it's hard.

Then there's the problematic nature of the fact that she initiated the talking about wanting to be with you while she was still with him. I'll leave you to your thoughts on that one and what it says about how she thinks and this situation.

And still living with him with no plans to leave? Dude... no. You're asking for trouble. This is some Real Housewives mess just waiting to happen.

Just keep in mind there's always gonna be more people out there that you could really like, and some of them won't come with this many issues. I know it's hard to see when you're a little smitten, but it's true.

People are messy. I'm guilty of not taking my own advice on things on a fairly regular basis, so no judgement here. But this just screams bad news to me.

For what it's worth, for someone who's circled the block a time or two.

The thing is, it's her house. Her and her brother live there while he lives rent free. It's just that she doesn't have the courage to kick him out. Which is so frustrating. Every time I see him I wanna kick him down a flight of stairs because what he is doing to my friend, and inevitably her daughter because kids soak this **** in, is so ****ed up and just makes me so angry. They both deserve so much better. And when we talked about our feelings it was more of a, "hey, I'm telling you this so I don't do it drunk and get in trouble." sort of thing. There was no hints of it ever going anywhere because she was in a relationship, so I have no real worries about her cheating if we ever do get together. I was fine with all that at the time, I understood and we moved on. The fact that she's single now just throws a wrench into the whole situation, and I think we both feel it.

These aren't excuses BTW, as I type this that is what they sound like in my head. I'm just trying to explain the situation better. I get what you're saying and pretty much agree with it. I need to be there for her and encourage her as a friend, and hopefully when she gets out of the situation and heals, if there still is something there then maybe it'll be a better time to consider dating. That all makes perfect sense. I'm just not sure that I trust myself not to jump into these shark invested waters if there's the promise that I can be with this wonderful girl if I make the leap.

And thanks for taking the time to respond. It's really helpful to have some sort of feedback.

 

[RetiredNSmilin]

I think as long as you continue to have love in your heart for her, and show her you are there for her, then sooner or later she "might" see that and come to you.

Note, however, sometimes it never happens. I volunteered at a battered woman's shelter in Houston, and more often than not they go right back to their abuser.
In the BDSM community there are a whole lot of women that are BI, but also like the abuse from a man. I could never get my head around that at all.

Such are matters of the heart. Just keep yours pure and hope she sees it.

If it was an exact science there would not be millions of poems, songs, and paintings to the subject.

I hope this helps in some small way. I can tell from your tone, you are hurting.

Dave

 

[SmokeAndMirrors]

Yeah, this isn't even the worst relationship she's had. The father of her child seriously beat her, even broke her arm and all sorts of nasty ****. Yet, the only reason she left him was because social services told her that if she didn't get out of that situation they would take her...

Whew... Yeah. That's some heavy ****.

Keep something in mind, here. People who have this serious of an ingrained abuse history have a lot of problems. It won't just get better because you aren't an abuser. She has her own slew of personality problems that need to be worked out. And realistically, that takes years.

What I'm about to say next is really hard to sit with, but stick with me here.

In long-term abuse situations like this, it takes two to tango. And usually, abusers are not just being malicious. They think they are defending themselves from attack. They just perceive normal things as "attacks." For example, they're really insecure, but instead of realizing their insecurity is their own personality problem, they think their partner is MAKING them feel insecure on purpose.

As soon as you understand abusers are not always malicious people, it allows you to look at situations like this more clearly. Abusers are people who feel constantly insecure, so they do messed up things to keep their partner "in line." The chronically abused (the ones who stick around for a long time) are people who feel constantly insecure, so they do messed up things to please their demanding partner.

But their problems come from the same thing: their inability to see value in themselves. And that has wider consequences than how their interact in abusive relationships.

While what the abuser does is more heinous, what the abused who haven't worked on themselves can do when with non-abusive people can also be really bad, because their emotional state is unstable. It can be emotionally draining, create constant chaos, etc.

It is never someone's fault for being abused. But there is no strict line between abusers and abused. The same people are often both. People who grow up with abuse and tend to relive the cycle over and over again can wind up being, basically, emotional abusers themselves -- especially when they wind up with someone who has a strong protective and nurturing urge, like you. Because abusers are not always evil. A lot f the time, they're just really messed up.

This is why talking about things like cycles of abuse is important: so that we can get a clearer picture of abuse situations as often being situations where TWO hurting people are in a relationship.

Step one (after getting them out of the abusive situation, that is) is not to get the abused into a relationship with a nicer person. That doesn't help. And in the worst case scenario, all that does is turn the abused into an abuser.

Step one one is to get these people help FOR THEMSELVES.

This isn't a reason to cut off a friend -- not at all. But it probably is a reason why dating her would be a really bad idea. It will take a long time, maybe years for her to be able to support you as much as you support her.

Yeah, that honestly has me scared a bit, too...

Yeah. That's another flag -- her inability to be by herself -- that tells me this is unlikely to be a "short term" emotional dependency.

...And thanks for taking the time to respond. It's really helpful to have some sort of feedback.

Ok. Well, that's somewhat better. It's hard to sum everything up accurately in a single post. But that she isn't kicking him out is, in itself, really problematic.

I know it's hard to ignore your feelings. But keep in mind there are MANY people for whom you could and will have feelings.

A couple things I've learned while circling the block, which might be more evident to me because I'm not in a small pool in a difficult environment like you are...

1. There are lots of wonderful people with serious problems. Just because they're wonderful doesn't mean you should date them.

2. There will always be more people you could be attracted to. Especially in this way -- the connection that grows from constant proximity. There are lots of those out there.

3. Nothing is ever as wonderful as the story we make in our minds when we're smitten and trying to find reasons why something that seems like a bad idea actually isn't. Hell, even good relationships never conform to that fantasy. I've found some spectacular connections -- the kind of stuff that artists spend their lives trying to do justice to. And they still aren't fairytales.

4. Attraction doesn't mean anything, by itself. Absolutely nothing. If you're smitten but they have little to offer you -- as is probably the case here -- it simply isn't worth pursuing. They're just feelings. In this weird messy thing we call the human condition, feelings are a dime a dozen. What's important is how you add to each other's lives.

That's what I'd keep in mind as this plays out.

 

[SocialD]

So, I find myself in a bit of a pickle, and I kind of have the urge to write about it and see what you all think, so here goes nothing.

Last October me and my friend from work decided to go to Pride together, and we had a fun time and really bonded over that weekend and have continued to hang out since, and we've really become the best of friends. We constantly text, hang out, etc. There isn't a person out there that I trust more, nor is there a person I'd rather hang out with. We have fun, we make each other laugh, and being with her is just easy, if that makes sense. Anyways, she told me a while back that she had a crush on me, and I was really flattered, and admitted that I had started to develop feelings for her as well.

So, what's the problem you may ask? She has a boyfriend. Okay, first off, she's bi, with a strong leaning towards women, so I'm not worried about her not being serious about being with a girl or anything. Now normally, I'd respect the boundaries, and I did, which is why nothing came of it when we first told each other we had feelings. The kicker here is that he is an abusive dead beat asshole, and my friend is in a situation where she doesn't have the self confidence to kick him out of her house and finally leave him. She's been through a lot of **** in her life, and most of her relationships have been abusive, so I get it. Though, it is frustrating to see your best friend in a situation like this. They've been together for 5 years, and from what she's told me it's been all sorts of trouble for a while. He's cheated on her, he's pushed her around, he doesn't pay any of the bills, he works like two days a week at Gamestop while my friend has a full-time job making 3 dollars above the minimum wage trying to support herself, her daughter(not his), and his sorry ass.

Now, why am I writing this in this particular forum? Well, they are officially broken up at the moment, he still lives there, but they're not really talking. This is in large part due to me and her having a several hour talk in the middle of the night at a Waffle House telling her that breaking it off with him would be the best thing for her and her daughter. However, he isn't out of the house yet, and I'm not sure she's gonna make him leave anytime soon. Now, all this time, we have continued to flirt, pretty aggressively sometimes, and it's hard not to get mixed feelings. On the one hand I want her to leave this douche, spend some time single and find herself, and then maybe she'd be ready for a relationship.

On the other, my feelings for her are just getting stronger, and it seems that her feelings for me are doing the same, so it's hard to not want to go for it, especially since it wouldn't be cheating at the moment. I feel like this relationship could really be something if we gave it a try, and I feel like if she had someone to go to it would be easier for her to fully leave the asshole that's in her house. Then again, that would probably make her really dependent on me, which I'm fine with, but I don't want her healing of this abuse she'd endured to be centered on me; she needs to find herself. Though, it's getting to the point where if we don't address these feelings between us, it's just going to become awkward and I don't want that. I really like this girl, and just, UGH I don't know what to do.

Any advice would be welcome, if you can understand that stream of consciousness blob of words.

you obviously know her so it is hard to give advice on specifics to the person. however, I wouldn't rush headlong into an intense relationship. she needs to have her head clear on what she wants and where she is at. the rebound factor can lead to intense but volatile relationships. Just take it slow and use your head as much as your heart. g'luck.

 

[joG]

So, I find myself in a bit of a pickle, and I kind of have the urge to write about it and see what you all think, so here goes nothing.

Last October me and my friend from work decided to go to Pride together, and we had a fun time and really bonded over that weekend and have continued to hang out since, and we've really become the best of friends. We constantly text, hang out, etc. There isn't a person out there that I trust more, nor is there a person I'd rather hang out with. We have fun, we make each other laugh, and being with her is just easy, if that makes sense. Anyways, she told me a while back that she had a crush on me, and I was really flattered, and admitted that I had started to develop feelings for her as well.

So, what's the problem you may ask? She has a boyfriend. Okay, first off, she's bi, with a strong leaning towards women, so I'm not worried about her not being serious about being with a girl or anything. Now normally, I'd respect the boundaries, and I did, which is why nothing came of it when we first told each other we had feelings. The kicker here is that he is an abusive dead beat asshole, and my friend is in a situation where she doesn't have the self confidence to kick him out of her house and finally leave him. She's been through a lot of **** in her life, and most of her relationships have been abusive, so I get it. Though, it is frustrating to see your best friend in a situation like this. They've been together for 5 years, and from what she's told me it's been all sorts of trouble for a while. He's cheated on her, he's pushed her around, he doesn't pay any of the bills, he works like two days a week at Gamestop while my friend has a full-time job making 3 dollars above the minimum wage trying to support herself, her daughter(not his), and his sorry ass.

Now, why am I writing this in this particular forum? Well, they are officially broken up at the moment, he still lives there, but they're not really talking. This is in large part due to me and her having a several hour talk in the middle of the night at a Waffle House telling her that breaking it off with him would be the best thing for her and her daughter. However, he isn't out of the house yet, and I'm not sure she's gonna make him leave anytime soon. Now, all this time, we have continued to flirt, pretty aggressively sometimes, and it's hard not to get mixed feelings. On the one hand I want her to leave this douche, spend some time single and find herself, and then maybe she'd be ready for a relationship.

On the other, my feelings for her are just getting stronger, and it seems that her feelings for me are doing the same, so it's hard to not want to go for it, especially since it wouldn't be cheating at the moment. I feel like this relationship could really be something if we gave it a try, and I feel like if she had someone to go to it would be easier for her to fully leave the asshole that's in her house. Then again, that would probably make her really dependent on me, which I'm fine with, but I don't want her healing of this abuse she'd endured to be centered on me; she needs to find herself. Though, it's getting to the point where if we don't address these feelings between us, it's just going to become awkward and I don't want that. I really like this girl, and just, UGH I don't know what to do.

Any advice would be welcome, if you can understand that stream of consciousness blob of words.

Try out a menage a trios.

 

[spud_meister]

Try out a menage a trios.

You're a dickface.

YourStar, though S&M seems to have more experience than me here. I'd suggest letting her know how you feel, but make a relationship conditional on personal improvement. Maybe you can motivate her to change, get her to kick out the guy, and find out if there's any available counseling services in the area to help her. Even if you don't end up in a relationship, you'll have helped a friend.

 

[joG]

You're a dickface.

YourStar, though S&M seems to have more experience than me here. I'd suggest letting her know how you feel, but make a relationship conditional on personal improvement. Maybe you can motivate her to change, get her to kick out the guy, and find out if there's any available counseling services in the area to help her. Even if you don't end up in a relationship, you'll have helped a friend.

Why would you want her to change?

 

[Andalublue]

So, I find myself in a bit of a pickle, and I kind of have the urge to write about it and see what you all think, so here goes nothing.

Last October me and my friend from work decided to go to Pride together, and we had a fun time and really bonded over that weekend and have continued to hang out since, and we've really become the best of friends. We constantly text, hang out, etc. There isn't a person out there that I trust more, nor is there a person I'd rather hang out with. We have fun, we make each other laugh, and being with her is just easy, if that makes sense. Anyways, she told me a while back that she had a crush on me, and I was really flattered, and admitted that I had started to develop feelings for her as well.

So, what's the problem you may ask? She has a boyfriend. Okay, first off, she's bi, with a strong leaning towards women, so I'm not worried about her not being serious about being with a girl or anything. Now normally, I'd respect the boundaries, and I did, which is why nothing came of it when we first told each other we had feelings. The kicker here is that he is an abusive dead beat asshole, and my friend is in a situation where she doesn't have the self confidence to kick him out of her house and finally leave him. She's been through a lot of **** in her life, and most of her relationships have been abusive, so I get it. Though, it is frustrating to see your best friend in a situation like this. They've been together for 5 years, and from what she's told me it's been all sorts of trouble for a while. He's cheated on her, he's pushed her around, he doesn't pay any of the bills, he works like two days a week at Gamestop while my friend has a full-time job making 3 dollars above the minimum wage trying to support herself, her daughter(not his), and his sorry ass.

Now, why am I writing this in this particular forum? Well, they are officially broken up at the moment, he still lives there, but they're not really talking. This is in large part due to me and her having a several hour talk in the middle of the night at a Waffle House telling her that breaking it off with him would be the best thing for her and her daughter. However, he isn't out of the house yet, and I'm not sure she's gonna make him leave anytime soon. Now, all this time, we have continued to flirt, pretty aggressively sometimes, and it's hard not to get mixed feelings. On the one hand I want her to leave this douche, spend some time single and find herself, and then maybe she'd be ready for a relationship.

On the other, my feelings for her are just getting stronger, and it seems that her feelings for me are doing the same, so it's hard to not want to go for it, especially since it wouldn't be cheating at the moment. I feel like this relationship could really be something if we gave it a try, and I feel like if she had someone to go to it would be easier for her to fully leave the asshole that's in her house. Then again, that would probably make her really dependent on me, which I'm fine with, but I don't want her healing of this abuse she'd endured to be centered on me; she needs to find herself. Though, it's getting to the point where if we don't address these feelings between us, it's just going to become awkward and I don't want that. I really like this girl, and just, UGH I don't know what to do.

Any advice would be welcome, if you can understand that stream of consciousness blob of words.

From what you've said, it appears that what she's really in need of at the moment is a friend, not an alternative lover. Starting a new relationship before she's fully extricated herself from the last one is a recipe for complication, conflict and disaster and, if the abuse from the current partner isn't bad enough, would add yet another layer of dysfunction onto her life, and more to the point, that of her daughter.

I think that if you have strong feeling for this woman the best way to show it would be to support her as she eases this boyfriend out of her life, flat and family, not insinuate yourself into that already complex and conflictive situation. If she's worth loving, she's worth waiting for and in the meantime you can be a resource of good sense and moral support as she deals with the situation she's got herself into with the asshole.

For what it's worth, that's my 3 hap'orth.

 

[KevinKohler]

Sounds like she knows how you feel.

I'll keep this short. My BEST friend was in a situation like this. The only advice I can give you is, you can't force people to change. You can't force this guy out of her life. All you can do at this point is leave things as they are...or you end up taking steps that end with YOU being the one removed from the picture.

If, IF she changes her mind and boots this guy...it's gonna be a while. All good things come with time. Is this a good thing? Is it worth a wait of possibly a year, even 2?

 

[Harry Guerrilla]

Whew...

YS, if I were you, honestly, I'd stay away from this situation for now. At least romantically.

Obviously she's got a lot to deal with. Obviously she hasn't quite got her head right as far as her self-worth and the way her life is working right now. If she's been with this guy that long, I'm going to take a guess and say that this goes deeper into her self-concept and personality than just getting caught off guard by one bad relationship.

And then I hear you saying this: "I feel like this relationship could really be something if we gave it a try, and I feel like if she had someone to go to it would be easier for her to fully leave the asshole that's in her house."

I have a friend who thinks like this sometimes. It's gotten her into a lot of bad relationships.

She already has someone to go to. You're her friend. What you're saying here is that if only you were romantically involved with her, you could "save her" from herself. Careful with that... when you ask for an emotion dependent, you tend to get what you ask for.

You say you're "ok" with her being dependent on you, but that is a really unhealthy way for relationships to function. And believe me, you will tire of being her "white knight" eventually. You need to care about yourself too, and she's not offering you much in terms of emotional availability or maturity. That's not a relationship.

She needs to learn how to save and value her own self. Be her friend. But don't volunteer for emotional dependency like that.

Then there's the problematic nature of the fact that she initiated the talking about wanting to be with you while she was still with him. I'll leave you to your thoughts on that one and what it says about how she thinks and this situation.

And still living with him with no plans to leave? Dude... no. You're asking for trouble. This is some Real Housewives mess just waiting to happen.

Just keep in mind there's always gonna be more people out there that you could really like, and some of them won't come with this many issues. I know it's hard to see when you're a little smitten, but it's true.

People are messy. I'm guilty of not taking my own advice on things on a fairly regular basis, so no judgement here. But this just screams bad news to me in every way, from the emotionally unhealthy dynamic, to the questionable sense of dating ethics, to the terrible living situation.

For what it's worth, for someone who's circled the block a time or two.

Best advice you're going to get.
Read it and live it.

Proceed with caution in such a relationship.

 

[notquiteright]

WOW, you are sooooo like my best bud. She is a 'straight-up' lesbian who has a crush on a woman who just seems intent on being with loser men- instead of Gamestop it is a part time bouncer job at a local honky tonk. The girls have been intimate several times- both say they really are into each other but the other girl just seems to need dick while my bud would probably throw-up at the sight.

As tough as it sounds, you are pretty much restricted to just being there for her. Support her- my advice to my friend was simply be there, be supportive, play when you can and if it gets too heavy for you- tell her and move on. We talk a lot about lesbian relationships- how quickly they 'fall in love' (Uhaul lesbians) and how few and far between good relationship material gay girls are in SW Oklahoma. (I tell her if she moved to OKC- I'd help her- she'd be knee deep in fun partners) but she is a small town girl and doesn't like change.

Best of luck to you, my friend struggles with her attachment issues and her need to be with someone, but she is now my best friend and i do my best to support and not criticize, and get her a gal pal wing woman to go babe hunting...

 

[Casper]

So, I find myself in a bit of a pickle, and I kind of have the urge to write about it and see what you all think, so here goes nothing.

Last October me and my friend from work decided to go to Pride together, and we had a fun time and really bonded over that weekend and have continued to hang out since, and we've really become the best of friends. We constantly text, hang out, etc. There isn't a person out there that I trust more, nor is there a person I'd rather hang out with. We have fun, we make each other laugh, and being with her is just easy, if that makes sense. Anyways, she told me a while back that she had a crush on me, and I was really flattered, and admitted that I had started to develop feelings for her as well.

So, what's the problem you may ask? She has a boyfriend. Okay, first off, she's bi, with a strong leaning towards women, so I'm not worried about her not being serious about being with a girl or anything. Now normally, I'd respect the boundaries, and I did, which is why nothing came of it when we first told each other we had feelings. The kicker here is that he is an abusive dead beat asshole, and my friend is in a situation where she doesn't have the self confidence to kick him out of her house and finally leave him. She's been through a lot of **** in her life, and most of her relationships have been abusive, so I get it. Though, it is frustrating to see your best friend in a situation like this. They've been together for 5 years, and from what she's told me it's been all sorts of trouble for a while. He's cheated on her, he's pushed her around, he doesn't pay any of the bills, he works like two days a week at Gamestop while my friend has a full-time job making 3 dollars above the minimum wage trying to support herself, her daughter(not his), and his sorry ass.

Now, why am I writing this in this particular forum? Well, they are officially broken up at the moment, he still lives there, but they're not really talking. This is in large part due to me and her having a several hour talk in the middle of the night at a Waffle House telling her that breaking it off with him would be the best thing for her and her daughter. However, he isn't out of the house yet, and I'm not sure she's gonna make him leave anytime soon. Now, all this time, we have continued to flirt, pretty aggressively sometimes, and it's hard not to get mixed feelings. On the one hand I want her to leave this douche, spend some time single and find herself, and then maybe she'd be ready for a relationship.

On the other, my feelings for her are just getting stronger, and it seems that her feelings for me are doing the same, so it's hard to not want to go for it, especially since it wouldn't be cheating at the moment. I feel like this relationship could really be something if we gave it a try, and I feel like if she had someone to go to it would be easier for her to fully leave the asshole that's in her house. Then again, that would probably make her really dependent on me, which I'm fine with, but I don't want her healing of this abuse she'd endured to be centered on me; she needs to find herself. Though, it's getting to the point where if we don't address these feelings between us, it's just going to become awkward and I don't want that. I really like this girl, and just, UGH I don't know what to do.

Any advice would be welcome, if you can understand that stream of consciousness blob of words.

Since you asked. Be patient, if it is Love it will survive while she gets her life in order. The best thing you can do is to be there and support her while she works on her issues with her partner, but that said getting too involved while she is dealing with it will only complicate things for her and you and may even result in it taking longer or you losing her. I know it is not the easy way or what you want but if you give it time she will come to grips with her issue, sounds like the lights are starting to come on, and your relationship will be the stronger for having done it right.
Good Luck to Both of you,
Casper

 

[Mr. Invisible]

So, I find myself in a bit of a pickle, and I kind of have the urge to write about it and see what you all think, so here goes nothing.

Last October me and my friend from work decided to go to Pride together, and we had a fun time and really bonded over that weekend and have continued to hang out since, and we've really become the best of friends. We constantly text, hang out, etc. There isn't a person out there that I trust more, nor is there a person I'd rather hang out with. We have fun, we make each other laugh, and being with her is just easy, if that makes sense. Anyways, she told me a while back that she had a crush on me, and I was really flattered, and admitted that I had started to develop feelings for her as well.

So, what's the problem you may ask? She has a boyfriend. Okay, first off, she's bi, with a strong leaning towards women, so I'm not worried about her not being serious about being with a girl or anything. Now normally, I'd respect the boundaries, and I did, which is why nothing came of it when we first told each other we had feelings. The kicker here is that he is an abusive dead beat asshole, and my friend is in a situation where she doesn't have the self confidence to kick him out of her house and finally leave him. She's been through a lot of **** in her life, and most of her relationships have been abusive, so I get it. Though, it is frustrating to see your best friend in a situation like this. They've been together for 5 years, and from what she's told me it's been all sorts of trouble for a while. He's cheated on her, he's pushed her around, he doesn't pay any of the bills, he works like two days a week at Gamestop while my friend has a full-time job making 3 dollars above the minimum wage trying to support herself, her daughter(not his), and his sorry ass.

Now, why am I writing this in this particular forum? Well, they are officially broken up at the moment, he still lives there, but they're not really talking. This is in large part due to me and her having a several hour talk in the middle of the night at a Waffle House telling her that breaking it off with him would be the best thing for her and her daughter. However, he isn't out of the house yet, and I'm not sure she's gonna make him leave anytime soon. Now, all this time, we have continued to flirt, pretty aggressively sometimes, and it's hard not to get mixed feelings. On the one hand I want her to leave this douche, spend some time single and find herself, and then maybe she'd be ready for a relationship.

On the other, my feelings for her are just getting stronger, and it seems that her feelings for me are doing the same, so it's hard to not want to go for it, especially since it wouldn't be cheating at the moment. I feel like this relationship could really be something if we gave it a try, and I feel like if she had someone to go to it would be easier for her to fully leave the asshole that's in her house. Then again, that would probably make her really dependent on me, which I'm fine with, but I don't want her healing of this abuse she'd endured to be centered on me; she needs to find herself. Though, it's getting to the point where if we don't address these feelings between us, it's just going to become awkward and I don't want that. I really like this girl, and just, UGH I don't know what to do.

Any advice would be welcome, if you can understand that stream of consciousness blob of words.

Well, I would say that you should go for it. However, you also need to factor in that she does have a daughter as well and that can easily change the dynamics of the situation. You may find yourself playing the role of a parent/supervisor, even if you don't really want to.

With regards to her being in an abusive relationship and your worries that she may use you to bounce back, I think that you should go out with her, but encourage her to go to therapy. There may even be some free counseling for victims of abusive relationships in your area.

Hope everything works out

 

[tessaesque]

Given the length of the relationship and the fact that he's abusive and still living there...I would DEFINITELY wait to start anything up with her. The last thing you want to do is put a target on her back (or yours) with this guy. He needs to be long, long gone...and she needs to be confident enough to make him stay gone, before you dive into that with her.

 

[Ntharotep]

In all honesty, and I promise I'm not out to hurt feelings, Your Star, I think you and her need to step back from your relationship a little bit. I know that sounds cold and mean but hear me out.
If she really is struggling from an abusive relationship and one with a guy she is still living with, then she needs a clear mind to get it all in order. She needs to be ale to do just what your first option and probably your first instinct said. She needs to find herself.
As painful as it is, she probably needs that time for discovery more than she needs another love relationship.

This does have a few silver linings though:
• You get to make sure you are not the rebound relationship.
• You get a fresh start when and if she is ready for another partner.
• If it turns out, her flirtations and amorous feelings were more wanting an escape then your friendship stays intact.

That's about all I've got on this. It looks like things are going in a pretty good direction for your friend, future love interest, just be smart with the approach.

Hope that helps some.

 

[DiAnna]

She is in a dangerous situation, and anyone who becomes close to her or, god forbid, tries to help her out of that dangerous situation will also be in danger. Be careful.

Bottom line, she has lived with abusive men all of her life. Every time she gets extricated from one situation, she chooses another situation just like it. Why? Because she knows what to expect in the familiar environment of abuse, and she does not know what it is like to be brimming with self-respect and the confidence to live on her own. As a friend, you can help her, support her, let her know you're there for her... but please, please watch your own back. A writing colleague of mine in a similar situation was eventually convinced by a friend to leave her abusive husband. The result was bad, very, very bad.

I won't go into details, I don't want to scare you but I do want to plant that seed of caution in your head hoping it will sprout immediately should it be needed. Nothing in someone else's life is ever exactly as we think it is. Tread cautiously; I don't want your heart or anything else to be broken again.

 

[finebead]

If it was me, I'd postpone the relationship until the guy was out of the way. Then the more important question becomes, does you friend possess the character and psychological strength to build a stable relationship with you, if that is what you want. That is one of the things I learned in my late 20's, if you want a long term stable relationship, you have to start with two good people who share a value system, and have the character traits and psychological maturity to live up to the requirements of their commitment. I began to walk away from a lot of pretty, smart, witty charming young women, if they lacked self control, honesty, persistence, compassion, or sobriety. There's more to the list, you can make it up. I learned in order to achieve what I wanted in life, I also didn't have time to waste on relationships that couldn't go the distance. I needed to decide within 3 months or less. I finally found a nice young lady and at 3 months I thought it was worth looking at this some more. I had decision points at 6 months, still a go, and at 9 months it was still a go and I proposed (I was 30, and out of an 8 year marriage by then). We celebrated our 33rd anniversary in Jan., and have 3 adult children out on their own.

 

[Mason66]

So, I find myself in a bit of a pickle, and I kind of have the urge to write about it and see what you all think, so here goes nothing.

Last October me and my friend from work decided to go to Pride together, and we had a fun time and really bonded over that weekend and have continued to hang out since, and we've really become the best of friends. We constantly text, hang out, etc. There isn't a person out there that I trust more, nor is there a person I'd rather hang out with. We have fun, we make each other laugh, and being with her is just easy, if that makes sense. Anyways, she told me a while back that she had a crush on me, and I was really flattered, and admitted that I had started to develop feelings for her as well.

So, what's the problem you may ask? She has a boyfriend. Okay, first off, she's bi, with a strong leaning towards women, so I'm not worried about her not being serious about being with a girl or anything. Now normally, I'd respect the boundaries, and I did, which is why nothing came of it when we first told each other we had feelings. The kicker here is that he is an abusive dead beat asshole, and my friend is in a situation where she doesn't have the self confidence to kick him out of her house and finally leave him. She's been through a lot of **** in her life, and most of her relationships have been abusive, so I get it. Though, it is frustrating to see your best friend in a situation like this. They've been together for 5 years, and from what she's told me it's been all sorts of trouble for a while. He's cheated on her, he's pushed her around, he doesn't pay any of the bills, he works like two days a week at Gamestop while my friend has a full-time job making 3 dollars above the minimum wage trying to support herself, her daughter(not his), and his sorry ass.

Now, why am I writing this in this particular forum? Well, they are officially broken up at the moment, he still lives there, but they're not really talking. This is in large part due to me and her having a several hour talk in the middle of the night at a Waffle House telling her that breaking it off with him would be the best thing for her and her daughter. However, he isn't out of the house yet, and I'm not sure she's gonna make him leave anytime soon. Now, all this time, we have continued to flirt, pretty aggressively sometimes, and it's hard not to get mixed feelings. On the one hand I want her to leave this douche, spend some time single and find herself, and then maybe she'd be ready for a relationship.

On the other, my feelings for her are just getting stronger, and it seems that her feelings for me are doing the same, so it's hard to not want to go for it, especially since it wouldn't be cheating at the moment. I feel like this relationship could really be something if we gave it a try, and I feel like if she had someone to go to it would be easier for her to fully leave the asshole that's in her house. Then again, that would probably make her really dependent on me, which I'm fine with, but I don't want her healing of this abuse she'd endured to be centered on me; she needs to find herself. Though, it's getting to the point where if we don't address these feelings between us, it's just going to become awkward and I don't want that. I really like this girl, and just, UGH I don't know what to do.

Any advice would be welcome, if you can understand that stream of consciousness blob of words.

After reading this all I can think of is that this man will blame you for the breakup and turn his aggression on you which could be fatal, if he is crazy enough.

If you want to be with her, she has to get free of the situation without using you as a middle-man.

 

[Mason66]

If it was me, I'd postpone the relationship until the guy was out of the way. Then the more important question becomes, does you friend possess the character and psychological strength to build a stable relationship with you, if that is what you want. That is one of the things I learned in my late 20's, if you want a long term stable relationship, you have to start with two good people who share a value system, and have the character traits and psychological maturity to live up to the requirements of their commitment. I began to walk away from a lot of pretty, smart, witty charming young women, if they lacked self control, honesty, persistence, compassion, or sobriety. There's more to the list, you can make it up. I learned in order to achieve what I wanted in life, I also didn't have time to waste on relationships that couldn't go the distance. I needed to decide within 3 months or less. I finally found a nice young lady and at 3 months I thought it was worth looking at this some more. I had decision points at 6 months, still a go, and at 9 months it was still a go and I proposed (I was 30, and out of an 8 year marriage by then). We celebrated our 33rd anniversary in Jan., and have 3 adult children out on their own.

Congratulations. It sounds like you did it right which is very difficult.

 

[Your Star]

So, here's a it's 4am and I can't sleep update.

Long story short, she's back with the asshole. What a surprise. He's "making changes." Sure. smh

Anyways, she tells me that she still likes me, yet doesn't know how long things with ****face are gonna last, so we need to just take it day by day. What the **** is that? So I'm supposed to sit here and be plan B? I'm supposed to be your friend, not criticize you for being with him, and my feelings are supposed to just go away?

I just don't know anymore. She was my best freaking friend, I haven't had a best friend that lived in the same town as me in years, and now I can hardly stand to be around her. Where did this go wrong? And it's not like I can just cut her out, we work together, and leaving that job isn't an option.

I just can't shake these feelings, I don't know why. I guess it has something to do with her choosing him over me. Like, how the **** am I not better?

I didn't even want to like her this way, I just wanted a friend, yet, things happened and here we are.

Sorry if anyone read this self pity post. I just can't sleep and typing this here helped.

 

[CaptainCourtesy]

So, here's a it's 4am and I can't sleep update.

Long story short, she's back with the asshole. What a surprise. He's "making changes." Sure. smh

Anyways, she tells me that she still likes me, yet doesn't know how long things with ****face are gonna last, so we need to just take it day by day. What the **** is that? So I'm supposed to sit here and be plan B? I'm supposed to be your friend, not criticize you for being with him, and my feelings are supposed to just go away?

I just don't know anymore. She was my best freaking friend, I haven't had a best friend that lived in the same town as me in years, and now I can hardly stand to be around her. Where did this go wrong? And it's not like I can just cut her out, we work together, and leaving that job isn't an option.

I just can't shake these feelings, I don't know why. I guess it has something to do with her choosing him over me. Like, how the **** am I not better?

I didn't even want to like her this way, I just wanted a friend, yet, things happened and here we are.

Sorry if anyone read this self pity post. I just can't sleep and typing this here helped.

It is very difficult for a woman with a history in abusive relationships to break off the one she is in. Psychologically, because things are often so bad, when things are relatively good, comparatively, they feel fantastic to her. That's the tease of the abuser. She didn't choose him over you. She choose the tease. My suggestion would be to be her friend, but back off on the relationship perspective. You're only going to get hurt at this point, as she is still knee deep in the abuse.