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I don't know what to title this....

TheGirlNextDoor

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Let me just start of with stating that I am a female and I'm not accustomed to 'chasing' men. What I mean by that is - I don't have a problem picking up the phone and calling a man if we're dating, etc... - but I don't actively 'chase' said person.

I don't know how else to put it other than I am not a clingy person or a needy person. I just feel that if I'm always the pursuer, that I'm being a pain in the ass.

I am not talking sexually speaking, I'm talking about a relationship in that I don't think I should be the one always calling, always making plans, etc... I don't have a problem 'taking charge' so to speak, in the bedroom.. that's not the issue.

Do men these days (god, do I sound old or what? lol) expect women to 'chase' them? Do men want to see or have a relationship with a woman who is always following them around and bugging them?

Sorry for the sloppiness of my wording here, I'm feeling very lazy and I'm supposed to be working on some spreadsheets and I just can't concentrate. :2razz:
 

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I don't really know what "men these days expect", but I would not chase or aggressively pursue men if I were you.
I think, if mutual interest is there, things should work out spontaneously.
Personally, I wouldn't think either party chasing the other would be a good idea.
There's always the possibility that someone might misunderstand or get offended.
I'd just- seriously- join some groups and organizations.
I know you say you don't have much free time, but I'm sure you have enough free time to join at least one eco-action or feed-the-homeless or improve-our-public-libraries type group (or whatever your interests are: book club, hiking, exercise, whatever. Maybe a political group). There are meet-ups for everything. It would probably only meet once a week.
It wouldn't take up any more of your time than "chasing men" (if you're considering that), and it would be a more natural way to meet people who might have common interests and get to know them a little before you decide whether you want to try to date them.

I know a lot of church-goers use church and church groups for this purpose- as a sort of informal dating service. I don't know if you're a church-goer or not.

Of course it would help to live in or near an urban area: more people, more possibilities.
I seem to recall that you said you live in Kansas or somewhere.
If it's a small town, that really limits the playing field. At the same time, you pretty much already know everyone, so I don't know. Maybe just wait for somebody to get divorced, and then scoop him up on the rebound.
 

TheGirlNextDoor

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Thanks for your response, 10. I'm not really considering chasing men.. lol. I really just want to know if men believe that women should be chasing them. I wish I could think of a better word than chasing - maybe pursuing or... hell, I don't know.

I'm not a church goer and while I live in Kansas, there are about 35,000 people in the city I live in... so it's small'ish but not so small that I know everyone. What works in my favor (I think) is the fact that I live near Ft. Leavenworth. A lot of incoming people (military) and that helps with meeting new people.

I just don't have the time to always be the one calling, emailing, texting, blah, blah, blah when I start dating a person. Know what I mean? It's nice to know a person has some interest in having things a little more 50/50 - I'm just noticing with a few of the men I've dated recently, they put off a signal that maybe I should be the one actively keeping whatever relationship we had, going.

I'm too tired for that crap. :lol:
 
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TheGirlNextDoor said:
Do men these days (god, do I sound old or what? lol) expect women to 'chase' them? Do men want to see or have a relationship with a woman who is always following them around and bugging them?
That depends. We, like women, have egos. Having an attractive girl chasing us gives us a pretty big ego boost, considering the fact that we're usually the ones doing the pursuing. It's a great thing to have an attractive girl come up to you and tell you that she's interested. It is pretty damn rare, too. Most women opt to send subtle signs to let you know and to try to get you to pursue them.

However, if we're not interested and you keep bugging us then obviously it gets annoying. In that case I would either not respond to your calls/texts/etc... or if it's really bad (like you're really ugly or fat) I'd actively avoid you.

What answer did you expect?
 
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RightinNYC

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I think it really depends on your community. I went to school at a place that was 60% female, 10+% gay males, and ~30% straight males. Because the numbers were so disproportionate, women tended to chase after men. If the men in your area are almost all married, that could explain why the single men expect the single women to be the ones to put in the work.
 

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Are the guys feeling like you're fitting them in in between other things? They'd make you chase them, in that case, when you could tell them when you had the time for them, rather than all the other things you're doing. Being in competition with lots of other things in your date's life isn't easy.

Have you asked the guys why they don't pursue you and you're the one to chase them down? You might get some good answers.

Regards from Rosie
 

TheGirlNextDoor

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That depends. We, like women, have egos. Having an attractive girl chasing us gives us a pretty big ego boost, considering the fact that we're usually the ones doing the pursuing. It's a great thing to have an attractive girl come up to you and tell you that she's interested. It is pretty damn rare, too. Most women opt to send subtle signs to let you know and to try to get you to pursue them.

However, if we're not interested and you keep bugging us then obviously it gets annoying. In that case I would either not respond to your calls/texts/etc... or if it's really bad (like you're really ugly or fat) I'd actively avoid you.

What answer did you expect?
That's all fine and dandy, but I'm really referring to keeping a relationship going. I'm not really talking about seeing an attractive man across the bar and going over and talking to him. And, like I said... I am not a pursuer, most times. I look at it this way, if a man finds me attractive enough to start any sort of relationship (whether that relationship is purely physical or that of a more committed level - boyfriend/girlfriend) then it should pretty much be a fifty fifty split as far as actively maintaining.

I wasn't at all suggesting that I was fat and ugly and was deseperately chasing men.
 

TheGirlNextDoor

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Are the guys feeling like you're fitting them in in between other things? They'd make you chase them, in that case, when you could tell them when you had the time for them, rather than all the other things you're doing. Being in competition with lots of other things in your date's life isn't easy.

Have you asked the guys why they don't pursue you and you're the one to chase them down? You might get some good answers.

Regards from Rosie
This might be something. I've taken a job that is consuming a lot of time. My last relationship slowed way down about the time I really got into my new job. He was busy as well, so we were both sort of 'out of the loop'. A week would go by and I'd give him a call, a couple days later - he'd call back. It was very touch and go. It wasn't that either of us really expected the other to pursue, but it ended up being a conversation with each of us saying, "Hey.. I haven't heard from you in awhile.. what's up?" "Are we still seeing each other or....?"

It was just odd and truthfully, I wasn't sure what his expectations were as far as maintaining our relationship were. I didn't know if in today's dating world, if men expected women to do *most* of the active pursuit in keeping things going. /shrug

I just got to feeling like after awhile, I was always the one making first contact. If I didn't and he finally would contact me - he'd be almost offended that I hadn't called. Hell... I was under the assumption he had grown disinterested and had given me the boot and just wasn't man enough to tell me to buzz off.
 
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Goshin

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This might be something. I've taken a job that is consuming a lot of time. My last relationship slowed way down about the time I really got into my new job. He was busy as well, so we were both sort of 'out of the loop'. A week would go by and I'd give him a call, a couple days later - he'd call back. It was very touch and go. It wasn't that either of us really expected the other to pursue, but it ended up being a conversation with each of us saying, "Hey.. I haven't heard from you in awhile.. what's up?" "Are we still seeing each other or....?"

It was just odd and truthfully, I wasn't sure what his expectations were as far as maintaining our relationship were. I didn't know if in today's dating world, if men expected women to do *most* of the active pursuit in keeping things going. /shrug

I just got to feeling like after awhile, I was always the one making first contact. If I didn't and he finally would contact me - he'd be almost offended that I hadn't called. Hell... I was under the assumption he had grown disinterested and had given me the boot and just wasn't man enough to tell me to buzz off.

Many of us menfolk are not great communicators, or maintainers of communications, and many of us tend to assume that the greater part of that burden falls on the female. I'll grant you this is a fallacy, but it might explain some of what you're talking about.

Otherwise, possibly he percieves you as being "the busy one who rarely has time" (whether that is a fair assessment or not), and has therefore decided it is up to you to let him know when you have time for him. You can decide to tolerate this, not tolerate it, or talk it over. :shrug:
 

TheGirlNextDoor

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Many of us menfolk are not great communicators, or maintainers of communications, and many of us tend to assume that the greater part of that burden falls on the female. I'll grant you this is a fallacy, but it might explain some of what you're talking about.

Otherwise, possibly he percieves you as being "the busy one who rarely has time" (whether that is a fair assessment or not), and has therefore decided it is up to you to let him know when you have time for him. You can decide to tolerate this, not tolerate it, or talk it over. :shrug:
Thanks, Goshin. We actually went our seperate ways (no hurt feelings) and I'm currently just hanging solo.. which is fine by me. Our relationship though, made me wonder about these sorts of things.

Thanks for your post.
 

Kali

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Sounds as if he dropped a ball cause he damn sure shoulda been calling you, e-mailing, etc. You should not have to do all the damn work and if he is really interested? He damn sure better make it known or time to Drop em. But that is just my thinking.

If someone wants me? They should at least show it and I damn sure am not gonna be going out of my way trying to keep that ball afloat.
 

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Thanks for your response, 10. I'm not really considering chasing men.. lol. I really just want to know if men believe that women should be chasing them. I wish I could think of a better word than chasing - maybe pursuing or... hell, I don't know.
hmm... i got 'pursued' (well, 'hunted' would probably be a better term for at least one of them) a couple of times in college. both times it was a temptation sexually (because i knew they were available), but was a put-off relationally.

not sure if one guy's experience here helps or not. I'm unaware of any of my buddies, though, who have approached the matter in any other way.

I'm not a church goer and while I live in Kansas, there are about 35,000 people in the city I live in... so it's small'ish but not so small that I know everyone. What works in my favor (I think) is the fact that I live near Ft. Leavenworth. A lot of incoming people (military) and that helps with meeting new people.
:lol: i do know military guys. understand that the older military guys (which, for us, means mid thirties to early forties) usually have extremely constrained schedules, so if you aren't getting a sense of 'pursuit' from one of them, it might very well be a lack of ability rather than desire.

I just don't have the time to always be the one calling, emailing, texting, blah, blah, blah when I start dating a person. Know what I mean? It's nice to know a person has some interest in having things a little more 50/50 - I'm just noticing with a few of the men I've dated recently, they put off a signal that maybe I should be the one actively keeping whatever relationship we had, going.

I'm too tired for that crap. :lol:
if a man expects you to do all the work; he will expect you to do all the work. :)
 

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Just as a disclaimer, I know that the gay world does not exactly fit your situation because it involves only men, but within that world there is still the dual role of some men wanting to be chased while others want to be the pursuers.

A couple of years ago I had a string of dates that played hard to get. Sometimes that can be fun, but you know, it gets self-defeating if it's only an empty pursuit. Once I get past the "courting" phase, I usually would like to see some sort of mutual interest and effort to spend time if it's going to last for the long term. But these people I saw... it really just seemed like a game to them. They said they were looking for dating and a relationship, but really they just struck me as people who enjoyed the chase because it was flattering.

I now know the pattern really well, and I don't give these people the time of day. Also, I don't like the term "clingy". There is clingy, as in, weird, co-dependent, attached, and perhaps even psychopathic behaviour, and then there is normal attraction and desire to be around the person. Too many people accuse the latter of being clingy, and these people, to me, simply don't have an experienced grasping of human relationships.

If the person you're seeing is being so aloof that you are even questioning your own clinginess, then it may mean it has become a one-sided pursuit, and you could be wasting your time. It has been my experience that guys who are aloof in the beginning usually stay aloof, and the amount of energy you have to put in at the outset is usually a sign of things to come.

As for pursuing people at all... there is no hard and fast rule for what men want, despite the pseudo-psychologists out there who like to reduce men to be the most simple of caveman factors. If you are genuinely compatible with the person and the timing is right, then it won't really matter so much what "roles" you are taking, you will still come together. If it takes so much effort then it's usually not a good sign.
 
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Catz Part Deux

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I just don't have the time to always be the one calling, emailing, texting, blah, blah, blah when I start dating a person. Know what I mean? It's nice to know a person has some interest in having things a little more 50/50 - I'm just noticing with a few of the men I've dated recently, they put off a signal that maybe I should be the one actively keeping whatever relationship we had, going.

I'm too tired for that crap. :lol:
I'm a strong believer in NOT doing those things. You won't know if the relationship is reciprocal if you keep doing all the work. So, if you call him, pull back and let him be the one to call you the next time. Don't cave and call. If he doesn't call, you learn something valuable, he isn't that into you. A guy who wants you will at least keep it reciprocal.
 

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Let me just start of with stating that I am a female and I'm not accustomed to 'chasing' men. What I mean by that is - I don't have a problem picking up the phone and calling a man if we're dating, etc... - but I don't actively 'chase' said person.

I don't know how else to put it other than I am not a clingy person or a needy person. I just feel that if I'm always the pursuer, that I'm being a pain in the ass.

I am not talking sexually speaking, I'm talking about a relationship in that I don't think I should be the one always calling, always making plans, etc... I don't have a problem 'taking charge' so to speak, in the bedroom.. that's not the issue.

Do men these days (god, do I sound old or what? lol) expect women to 'chase' them? Do men want to see or have a relationship with a woman who is always following them around and bugging them?

Sorry for the sloppiness of my wording here, I'm feeling very lazy and I'm supposed to be working on some spreadsheets and I just can't concentrate. :2razz:
Well, you can't really lump all men together. Everybody's different, and different people do things differently.

I guess the question I have with regards to your question is, "How does he feel about it?" Does he seem to be bothered that you're the ones to always make plans and call? If he's not put off by it, and if you don't mind it, then there's probably not a problem.
 

TheGirlNextDoor

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Not sure if anyone noticed, but in my previous post I stated we were no longer seeing each other, so no.. I won't be calling. :? Anyway, thanks for the posts.
 

TheGirlNextDoor

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I'm a strong believer in NOT doing those things. You won't know if the relationship is reciprocal if you keep doing all the work. So, if you call him, pull back and let him be the one to call you the next time. Don't cave and call. If he doesn't call, you learn something valuable, he isn't that into you. A guy who wants you will at least keep it reciprocal.
I wasn't doing all the work - the majority, but not all. I'm not some ditzy 20-something that fawns all over a partner. I don't believe however, that I should NEVER call. I am a believer in making that person I'm with feel like I'M INTO THEM at least as much as I like that same feeling, if that makes sense.
 

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Thanks for your response, 10. I'm not really considering chasing men.. lol. I really just want to know if men believe that women should be chasing them. I wish I could think of a better word than chasing - maybe pursuing or... hell, I don't know.

I'm not a church goer and while I live in Kansas, there are about 35,000 people in the city I live in... so it's small'ish but not so small that I know everyone. What works in my favor (I think) is the fact that I live near Ft. Leavenworth. A lot of incoming people (military) and that helps with meeting new people.

I just don't have the time to always be the one calling, emailing, texting, blah, blah, blah when I start dating a person. Know what I mean? It's nice to know a person has some interest in having things a little more 50/50 - I'm just noticing with a few of the men I've dated recently, they put off a signal that maybe I should be the one actively keeping whatever relationship we had, going.

I'm too tired for that crap. :lol:
My wife pursued me, but I think that has more to do with the fact that I don't pay attention to the people around me and tend to be lost in my own thoughts most of the time. Moreso when I was younger. I don't think thats a typical thing though. Also once I realized what was going on, I went after her as well.
 
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StandUpChuck

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I think what it boils down to is we teach people how to treat us. If we take on the the role of initiator, then we teach people to expect us to do the heavy work. I'm not sure what men these days expect, but I know what *I* expect.
 

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I think "chase" is too strong a word. We like it when you let us know you are interested. If you are interested let us know. stop all the freakin jedi mind tricks and master of illusion crap. most men are simple minded gits, we don't have the time or the inclination to go all Barnaby Jones to figure out if you like us.
 

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I think what it boils down to is we teach people how to treat us. If we take on the the role of initiator, then we teach people to expect us to do the heavy work. I'm not sure what men these days expect, but I know what *I* expect.
I dunno, Chuck. When you listen to guys today, it's clear that their expectation is to get the poony as soon as possible with as little work as possible. I don't have much respect for the way the modern staight male treats women.
 

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I dunno, Chuck. When you listen to guys today, it's clear that their expectation is to get the poony as soon as possible with as little work as possible. I don't have much respect for the way the modern staight male treats women.
Sadly I have to agree. My friend went on a date this weekend and was pissed that the girl didn't put out after one date.
 

OscarB63

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I dunno, Chuck. When you listen to guys today, it's clear that their expectation is to get the poony as soon as possible with as little work as possible. I don't have much respect for the way the modern young staight male treats women.
I think that is mainly true for younger guys. also I think that it applies equally to gay and straight males, as far as getting sex as soon as possible. I don't have much respect for the way modern young gay males treat each other either
 

TacticalEvilDan

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My wife pursued me, but I think that has more to do with the fact that I don't pay attention to the people around me and tend to be lost in my own thoughts most of the time. Moreso when I was younger. I don't think thats a typical thing though. Also once I realized what was going on, I went after her as well.
You sound just like me! :lol:
 
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