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How Would You React.. (Wedding Guest Question)

Tigger

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As my fiance and I are moving along with our wedding planning for next year, we have come to three decisions that we have a feeling are going to be less than totally well recieved by some of the wedding guests.

#1. We will give everyone one (1) drink ticket for the bar and then it will be up to them to pay for anything else they want to drink during the reception, other than the non-alcoholic toast. We came to this decision because there are a handful of individuals on both sides who have a tendency to "enjoy" their alcohol a little too much but who will be unwilling or unable to pay for it themselves; thus largely removing the potential for them to create trouble during the reception.

#2. We are asking all attendees (other than small children) to be dressed in a semi-formal manner (jackets/ties/slacks for gentlemen and skirt/blouse or dress for women). While this may sound strange to some, as that is SOP when attending a wedding, there are parts of my fiance's family for whom this needs to be spelled out.

#3. With the exception of immediate family, we are requesting that couples with children leave the young ones at home for the day. Even with just immediate family there will be close to a score of children at a wedding where the entire attendance will barely break one hundred (100). Considering the unwillingness or inability of certain people to keep an eye on their kids, we just don't want them their.

This will all be spelled out very politely in the invitations when they go out next spring. We already know that there are certain people who will decline to attend due to these expectations. My question to you folks is this.....

It's Our/HER day, obviously; but would you be offended by any of those three expectations if they were to come in a wedding invitation you received?
 
All are reasonable, and it's sad that #2 and #3 need to be expressed.

If they decline, they decline. Guess what? Lots of parents out there today suck. They're probably better off not being there, and I imagine both sides would agree.

Just for the record, I'd be buying up the drink tickets of other guests who don't drink. It's not a proper reception if I'm not plastered and singing Margaritaville poorly while some bridesmaid's panties are on my head.
 
As my fiance and I are moving along with our wedding planning for next year, we have come to three decisions that we have a feeling are going to be less than totally well recieved by some of the wedding guests.

#1. We will give everyone one (1) drink ticket for the bar and then it will be up to them to pay for anything else they want to drink during the reception, other than the non-alcoholic toast. We came to this decision because there are a handful of individuals on both sides who have a tendency to "enjoy" their alcohol a little too much but who will be unwilling or unable to pay for it themselves; thus largely removing the potential for them to create trouble during the reception.

#2. We are asking all attendees (other than small children) to be dressed in a semi-formal manner (jackets/ties/slacks for gentlemen and skirt/blouse or dress for women). While this may sound strange to some, as that is SOP when attending a wedding, there are parts of my fiance's family for whom this needs to be spelled out.

#3. With the exception of immediate family, we are requesting that couples with children leave the young ones at home for the day. Even with just immediate family there will be close to a score of children at a wedding where the entire attendance will barely break one hundred (100). Considering the unwillingness or inability of certain people to keep an eye on their kids, we just don't want them their.

This will all be spelled out very politely in the invitations when they go out next spring. We already know that there are certain people who will decline to attend due to these expectations. My question to you folks is this.....

It's Our/HER day, obviously; but would you be offended by any of those three expectations if they were to come in a wedding invitation you received?

I wouldn't be offended, I just wouldn't go.
 
As my fiance and I are moving along with our wedding planning for next year, we have come to three decisions that we have a feeling are going to be less than totally well recieved by some of the wedding guests.

#1. We will give everyone one (1) drink ticket for the bar and then it will be up to them to pay for anything else they want to drink during the reception, other than the non-alcoholic toast. We came to this decision because there are a handful of individuals on both sides who have a tendency to "enjoy" their alcohol a little too much but who will be unwilling or unable to pay for it themselves; thus largely removing the potential for them to create trouble during the reception.

#2. We are asking all attendees (other than small children) to be dressed in a semi-formal manner (jackets/ties/slacks for gentlemen and skirt/blouse or dress for women). While this may sound strange to some, as that is SOP when attending a wedding, there are parts of my fiance's family for whom this needs to be spelled out.

#3. With the exception of immediate family, we are requesting that couples with children leave the young ones at home for the day. Even with just immediate family there will be close to a score of children at a wedding where the entire attendance will barely break one hundred (100). Considering the unwillingness or inability of certain people to keep an eye on their kids, we just don't want them their.

This will all be spelled out very politely in the invitations when they go out next spring. We already know that there are certain people who will decline to attend due to these expectations. My question to you folks is this.....

It's Our/HER day, obviously; but would you be offended by any of those three expectations if they were to come in a wedding invitation you received?

1. I see nothing wrong with this. It's very clever, actually. It isn't necessarily rude to make expenses optional. To my mind, it's only rude if you require them to shell out all kinds of money just to be there.

2. I don't see anything wrong with this either. I've certainly heard of much wackier dress requirements at weddings. That's kind of what I assume I should wear at most weddings.

3. I only see one problem with this: allowing immediate family to bring kids, but not others. I understand why, and there's not necessarily anything wrong with it either, but it will be a pain in the ass for you. You will likely receive complaints about "Well, how come THEIR children get to come?" You might even have a couple people who just show up with their kids even though they know they aren't invited. I would recommend you make it completely kid-free, or completely kid-welcoming. Plenty of people have kid-free weddings these days.

I mean, if you're willing to seriously put your foot down, and even call someone's bluff if they show up with an uninvited child, go for it. I'm just sayin', you may very well find yourself dealing with that.
 
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It's Our/HER day, obviously; but would you be offended by any of those three expectations if they were to come in a wedding invitation you received?

All three are perfectly fine. Anyone who complains about any of them is an ass

3. I only see one problem with this: allowing immediate family to bring kids, but not others. I understand why, and there's not necessarily anything wrong with it either, but it will be a pain in the ass for you. You will almost certainly receive complaints about "Well, how come THEIR children get to come?" You might even have a couple people who just show up with their kids even though they know they aren't invited. I would recommend you make it completely kid-free, or completely kid-welcoming. Plenty of people have kid-free weddings these days.

The way I see it, the people who are invited are the people who are invited. Children are not automatically invited. If someone had the nerve to ask me, on my wedding day, why their children were not invited my response would be "Because they are not welcome here"

But then again, I was never a big fan of people who ask me to justify my decisions, unless they're paying me big bucks to do so. It happens to be a pet peeve of mine
 
#2 and #3 are reasonable, #1 will make for a crappy celebration, to be honest. I know you're not into alcohol, but your guests are. Perhaps try to find a way to cut the drinking costs like offer lower cost, or economy alcohols.
 
The way I see it, the people who are invited are the people who are invited. Children are not automatically invited. If someone had the nerve to ask me, on my wedding day, why their children were not invited my response would be "Because they are not welcome here"

But then again, I was never a big fan of people who ask me to justify my decisions, unless they're paying me big bucks to do so. It happens to be a pet peeve of mine

I totally agree. I'm just saying that he will probably encounter that kind of entitlement, and it might be a headache.

If he has no problem just laying down the law, sure, go for it.
 
Seems reasonable to me and not at all impolite. The only thing I might look into would be if there was a way to kind of segregate the kids. It seems that the few kids will be likely to bet bored if there are no other kids around.
 
I totally agree. I'm just saying that he will probably encounter that kind of entitlement, and it might be a headache.

If he has no problem just laying down the law, sure, go for it.

Yeah, it can be a headache for some, but I've got a feeling Tigger will have no problem telling people he just doesn't care how they feel

Just a hunch :shrug:
 
All are reasonable, and it's sad that #2 and #3 need to be expressed. If they decline, they decline. Guess what? Lots of parents out there today suck. They're probably better off not being there, and I imagine both sides would agree.

Just for the record, I'd be buying up the drink tickets of other guests who don't drink. It's not a proper reception if I'm not plastered and singing Margaritaville poorly while some bridesmaid's panties are on my head.

Thanks, though for the record that's exactly the sort of behavior we are trying to curtail BEFORE it occurs.

I wouldn't be offended, I just wouldn't go.

Which one (or more) of the three would cause you to decline the invitation? Obviously assuming the invite was from someone other than me.

1. I see nothing wrong with this. It's very clever, actually. It isn't necessarily rude to make expenses optional. To my mind, it's only rude if you require them to shell out all kinds of money just to be there.

My cousin did that last year.... Had the wedding on a Carribean island then got surprised when only his parents and siblings showed up from our side.

2. I don't see anything wrong with this either. I've certainly heard of much wackier dress requirements at weddings. That's kind of what I assume I should wear at most weddings.

We're just trying to keep people from showing up in jeans, shorts, tee shirts, etc... We've got a few on both sides who would be very likely to do just that.

3. I only see one problem with this: allowing immediate family to bring kids, but not others. I understand why, and there's not necessarily anything wrong with it either, but it will be a pain in the ass for you. You will likely receive complaints about "Well, how come THEIR children get to come?" You might even have a couple people who just show up with their kids even though they know they aren't invited. I would recommend you make it completely kid-free, or completely kid-welcoming. Plenty of people have kid-free weddings these days.

I mean, if you're willing to seriously put your foot down, and even call someone's bluff if they show up with an uninvited child, go for it. I'm just sayin', you may very well find yourself dealing with that.

Of our 11 nieces and nephews, 8 are in the wedding itself (bridesmaids, groomsmen, ring bearers, flower girls, etc....). The other 3 are too young to be involved. In the families of our cousins there are likely to be another 7-10 children. Beyond that there are a number of guests who have kids that we really don't want to be there because they will not keep an eye on them. We're really hoping to nip this in the butt ahead of time. If they can't find a way to come without the kids, then they can send their well-wishes and hopefully we'll see them another time. You're right that there will be some "but THEY got to go" reactions. We already know that just the guest list itself is going to engender some of that response as we're trying to keep the number down to 95-105 total attendees and it's not easy with two large families.
 
Yeah, it can be a headache for some, but I've got a feeling Tigger will have no problem telling people he just doesn't care how they feel

Just a hunch :shrug:

Heh, true enough.

But seriously, I have heard of people showing up with their kids KNOWING the kids weren't invited. So entitled that they're just daring the couple to send them away and cause all kinds of family drama. It's disgusting.
 
Of our 11 nieces and nephews, 8 are in the wedding itself (bridesmaids, groomsmen, ring bearers, flower girls, etc....). The other 3 are too young to be involved. In the families of our cousins there are likely to be another 7-10 children. Beyond that there are a number of guests who have kids that we really don't want to be there because they will not keep an eye on them. We're really hoping to nip this in the butt ahead of time. If they can't find a way to come without the kids, then they can send their well-wishes and hopefully we'll see them another time. You're right that there will be some "but THEY got to go" reactions. We already know that just the guest list itself is going to engender some of that response as we're trying to keep the number down to 95-105 total attendees and it's not easy with two large families.

I would say the easiest way to deal with it is just limit it to the children who are actually in the wedding.

Seriously, be prepared to deal with someone simply showing up with their children despite your wishes.
 
All three are perfectly fine. Anyone who complains about any of them is an ass

Thanks for the input.

#2 and #3 are reasonable, #1 will make for a crappy celebration, to be honest. I know you're not into alcohol, but your guests are. Perhaps try to find a way to cut the drinking costs like offer lower cost, or economy alcohols.

We're not saying they can't drink. We're simply saying that we are not going to foot the bill for 5 beers, 2 mixed drinks and 5 shots for one guest over the course of a 3 hour reception. We already know they're planning an "after-party" for that evening, which is fine with us. We just don't want them clobbered AT the reception.

I totally agree. I'm just saying that he will probably encounter that kind of entitlement, and it might be a headache.

If he has no problem just laying down the law, sure, go for it.

The current plan is to have the mother-of-the-bride run interference with that side of the guest list and for my mother to do so for my side. Both ladies have agreed to do so on all three issues. If it becomes an issue "day-of", there will be plenty of people there to deal with it and the police station is less than 200 years up the road.

Seems reasonable to me and not at all impolite. The only thing I might look into would be if there was a way to kind of segregate the kids. It seems that the few kids will be likely to bet bored if there are no other kids around.

We are planning on trying to get the families with kids together in a mix at a couple of tables. That way they get introduced to each other and the parents can help each other keep an eye on the kids. The immediate family children shouldn't be too much of a problem.

Yeah, it can be a headache for some, but I've got a feeling Tigger will have no problem telling people he just doesn't care how they feel.

It will be done in as polite a manner as possible, but it is what we want and it's Our/HER day. If they cannot respect our wishes, then we would prefer to celebrate the day without them.
 
The current plan is to have the mother-of-the-bride run interference with that side of the guest list and for my mother to do so for my side. Both ladies have agreed to do so on all three issues. If it becomes an issue "day-of", there will be plenty of people there to deal with it and the police station is less than 200 years up the road.

Cool. As long as you, she, and the people dealing with are prepared to deal with that and be firm, then you're good on #3 too.

That's really the main concern; making sure they can't cause drama at your wedding. But it sounds like you've got the relevant people on your side.
 
None seem overbearing. I wouldn't celebrate in such a manner, but like you said, it is you and your spouse's day, enjoy it how you'd like. If people don't want to come for any of the reasons, then they don't come. Que sera, sera
 
But seriously, I have heard of people showing up with their kids KNOWING the kids weren't invited. So entitled that they're just daring the couple to send them away and cause all kinds of family drama. It's disgusting.

They will be more than welcome to come in. There will not be seats or food for their children. We are hoping that the mothers-of-the- can work most of this out ahead of time. Invitations to those couples will be addressed to Mr. & Mrs. (blank). The family invites will be addressed to The (blank) Family or something of that sort. Additionally, we're hoping to set up the RSVP cards to make it clear how many people are actually invited.

I would say the easiest way to deal with it is just limit it to the children who are actually in the wedding.

Seriously, be prepared to deal with someone simply showing up with their children despite your wishes.

I don't doubt the seriousness of the issue. We are attempting to make it very clear ahead of time who is and isn't invited and on that day we will deal with whomever chooses not to follow that as politely and directly as possible.
 
Cool. As long as you, she, and the people dealing with are prepared to deal with that and be firm, then you're good on #3 too.

That's really the main concern; making sure they can't cause drama at your wedding. But it sounds like you've got the relevant people on your side.

We've already had conversations with a couple of people about the Drama-Fee Zone that will be in effect. In fact one of her aunts will not be invited because she has indicated an unwillingness to "play nice" with another aunt if they are both there.

None seem overbearing. I wouldn't celebrate in such a manner, but like you said, it is you and your spouse's day, enjoy it how you'd like. If people don't want to come for any of the reasons, then they don't come. Que sera, sera

Thank you for the input.
 
#1 will make for a crappy celebration, to be honest. I know you're not into alcohol, but your guests are. Perhaps try to find a way to cut the drinking costs like offer lower cost, or economy alcohols.

Being a practicing Mormon, I don't drink alcohol, don't allow it in my home, and wouldn't provide it at any gathering over which I had charge. My wedding reception was held in a Mormon church building, and no alcohol was served there. I never saw any indication that the occasion was in any way diminished by the lack of alcohol. The absence of alcohol certainly did not make for a “crappy celebration”, nor do I see any reason why it would on any other similar occasion.

I just don't get the mindset of those who think that alcohol has any necessary part in a celebration, and I certainly would not cater to those who think that.

Tigger's intent is clear enough. He doesn't want people getting drunk at this event. His plan is to limit alcohol in the hope that those most prone to consuming too much will be prevented from doing so. I'm skeptical about whether his plan would work; I fear that those who are most inclined to drink too much will find a way to do so in spite of his planned method of preventing it. Better, short of not having any alcohol at all, would be some method by which everyone is allowed one or two drinks, and no more, period. No additional drinks for those willing to pay for them, and no use of “tickets” which excessive drinkers might be able to obtain extra ones from those who don't wish to use them for themselves.
 
I don't see a problem with any of it. I didn't ever bring young children to a wedding in the first place unless I was family and traveling to the wedding. I like to enjoy the wedding and festivities without having to spend time the time baby sitting. I wouldn't be offended to receive that request. In the least.

As has been said, it's your (collectively) day. Anyone who has a problem with it, oh well.
 
We will give everyone one (1) drink ticket for the bar and then it will be up to them to pay for anything else they want to drink during the reception, other than the non-alcoholic toast. We came to this decision because there are a handful of individuals on both sides who have a tendency to "enjoy" their alcohol a little too much but who will be unwilling or unable to pay for it themselves; thus largely removing the potential for them to create trouble during the reception.

There is nothing wrong with a closed-bar wedding reception but are you doing this to save money or to avoid heavy drinking?

In my experience drinkers tend to have no problem paying out of pocket or bringing a bottle of booze with them. Things may go smoother if you limit an open bar to beer, wine, and soda then let everyone (including the bartender) know this isn't going to be a booze fest.

We are asking all attendees (other than small children) to be dressed in a semi-formal manner (jackets/ties/slacks for gentlemen and skirt/blouse or dress for women). While this may sound strange to some, as that is SOP when attending a wedding, there are parts of my fiance's family for whom this needs to be spelled out.

I would just speak privately with the individual family members this applies to.


With the exception of immediate family, we are requesting that couples with children leave the young ones at home for the day. Even with just immediate family there will be close to a score of children at a wedding where the entire attendance will barely break one hundred (100). Considering the unwillingness or inability of certain people to keep an eye on their kids, we just don't want them there.

I wouldn't invite anyone under 16 or so, especially outside the immediate family.
 
Tigger's intent is clear enough. He doesn't want people getting drunk at this event. His plan is to limit alcohol in the hope that those most prone to consuming too much will be prevented from doing so. I'm skeptical about whether his plan would work; I fear that those who are most inclined to drink too much will find a way to do so in spite of his planned method of preventing it. Better, short of not having any alcohol at all, would be some method by which everyone is allowed one or two drinks, and no more, period. No additional drinks for those willing to pay for them, and no use of “tickets” which excessive drinkers might be able to obtain extra ones from those who don't wish to use them for themselves.

There are a couple other factors here, Bob....

1. Most of the big drinkers are currrently unemployed and since the bar only accepts cash, will not likely be able to afford more than an additional drink or two.
2. This is a noontime event on the day after the 4th of July. It will (likely) be hot. People are not likely to give away the drink tickets they need to get a lemonade, soda, or iced tea at the bar either.
3. The bartenders are to be told that as soon as someone appears to be outwardly affected to any degree by the alcohol, they are to be cut off.
 
Being a practicing Mormon, I don't drink alcohol, don't allow it in my home, and wouldn't provide it at any gathering over which I had charge. My wedding reception was held in a Mormon church building, and no alcohol was served there. I never saw any indication that the occasion was in any way diminished by the lack of alcohol. The absence of alcohol certainly did not make for a “crappy celebration”, nor do I see any reason why it would on any other similar occasion.

To each their own, but have you ever been part of a celebration where everyone (including yourself) was drinking? It's a good time.
 
3. The bartenders are to be told that as soon as someone appears to be outwardly affected to any degree by the alcohol, they are to be cut off.

Don't be surprised if the bartenders aren't as strict on that as you'd perhaps like them to be.
 
There is nothing wrong with a closed-bar wedding reception but are you doing this to save money or to avoid heavy drinking?

In my experience drinkers tend to have no problem paying out of pocket or bringing a bottle of booze with them. Things may go smoother if you limit an open bar to beer, wine, and soda then let everyone (including the bartender) know this isn't going to be a booze fest.

It's less a money issue than to quell the penchant of several member of both families for getting quite liquored up. Thankfully in this case the biggest boozers are also the ones with the least access to free cash (since they can't use their state ebt cards at the venue). The site has a "no outside food/drink" policy which we are planning on making very clear to certain people.

I would just speak privately with the individual family members this applies to..

I didn't think this was a big issue until it got brought up two weeks ago. She wanted to go full formal for the wedding but I talked her down to semi-formal since it's going to be early July and likely to be hot enough for me in the penguin suit, nevermind expecting all the gents to be wearing tuxedos and the ladies in gowns.

I wouldn't invite anyone under 16 or so, especially outside the immediate family.

That's kind of what we're doing. The slightly less than two dozen immediate family members under that age will be invited but beyond that the young ones will be asked to stay at home.
 
As my fiance and I are moving along with our wedding planning for next year, we have come to three decisions that we have a feeling are going to be less than totally well recieved by some of the wedding guests.

#1. We will give everyone one (1) drink ticket for the bar and then it will be up to them to pay for anything else they want to drink during the reception, other than the non-alcoholic toast. We came to this decision because there are a handful of individuals on both sides who have a tendency to "enjoy" their alcohol a little too much but who will be unwilling or unable to pay for it themselves; thus largely removing the potential for them to create trouble during the reception.

#2. We are asking all attendees (other than small children) to be dressed in a semi-formal manner (jackets/ties/slacks for gentlemen and skirt/blouse or dress for women). While this may sound strange to some, as that is SOP when attending a wedding, there are parts of my fiance's family for whom this needs to be spelled out.

#3. With the exception of immediate family, we are requesting that couples with children leave the young ones at home for the day. Even with just immediate family there will be close to a score of children at a wedding where the entire attendance will barely break one hundred (100). Considering the unwillingness or inability of certain people to keep an eye on their kids, we just don't want them their.

This will all be spelled out very politely in the invitations when they go out next spring. We already know that there are certain people who will decline to attend due to these expectations. My question to you folks is this.....

It's Our/HER day, obviously; but would you be offended by any of those three expectations if they were to come in a wedding invitation you received?

man, just enjoy your day, and stop trying to control every aspect of it. i understand you wanting it to be perfect, but it comes off as a thing people will read and then just say "**** this." it's your wedding, not another convenient vehicle for you to passive aggressively express disgust about society.

i think the formal attire request is reasonable, but the rest is just kind of unnecessary nitpicking.

congrats, anyway. getting married is cool, and i hope that i get to do it someday myself.
 
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