How to say "she's not interested in you" to a cousin I have

[Herkamer63]

I have this cousin, John, that I have been doing things with lately. John is 54 y/o, a Christian, a good man, a hard worker, and never been married. His only real issue is he's a little socially awkward (not special needs). Other than that, he's an average guy in every sense of term when it comes to his personality. He'll occasionally come with me to the ballroom studio I go to and meet up for dinner on Thursday nights with my family and their friends. Needless to say, two single guys going out and having fun together. However, there is this woman that he really likes and has known her for sometime. I pretty sure that she's not into him.

I finally got to meet this woman, named Angela. She's 43 y/o, tall, a nurse, was a dance instructor, sings in a duet group, and, supposedly, a Christian. We went down to the town where we watched her sing. Along the way, I had asked other questions about her, and John had told me that guys are always chasing her, and she was married at one time. More specifically, she's divorced and he doesn't know how that happened. Afterwards, she had been in a few other relationships with other guys and had traveled quite a bit. Recently, John had finally said to her that he wants to be more than just friends and would like to go out with her. Her response was that she had to work out some things, first, with an ex-bf. Already a sign saying 'no, let's stay friends.'

We arrive at the place Angela is singing and I can already see why John likes her, as far as on a physical level. Whenever she came up to talk to us when she took a break, it wasn't long. My cousin and I had a good time as the night moved on. I even got to sing with a group of ladies that were on their way out, as well as dance with a married couple for a few songs. My cousin is pretty low key and I tried to get him to join in, but he didn't. I didn't care, even as the younger crowd started coming in for their late night drinks (no, I wasn't drunk).

After the last song, we actually got to talk to Angela and the person she was singing with. Somewhere during our conversation, it was brought up that I'm taking ballroom dance lessons, and the place I go to Angela use to be an instructor there. We brought up about the different styles, and, out of the blue, we demonstrated some of the moves from the different styles I was taking. We even did a full minute of waltz, and I was trying to get John to do it instead. Still, he didn't want to, even though he invited me along and I warmed Angela up to do it. In any case, we said our goodbyes afterwards and went home.

John still didn't seem to get the hint that Angela is not that interested in him. He seems convinced that she has a greater level of attraction towards him than what she's letting on, just by these little gestures she had, supposedly, made towards him. The fact that this woman was fine with me, a stranger, to dance with her, her little interaction with John while we were at the place where she sang, and when she had told him that she had to work out things with her ex-boyfriend should have all been signs that she doesn't want anything to do with him on a romantic level.

What I'm trying to figure out is how I should break it to him without there being a damper on our friendship. Like I said before, he is a good man. However, he tells me that if she tells she's not interested, he'll back off, but I don't know if he believes that. I could go unfiltered and say she's not interested, but I don't know if that would actually do more harm than good. Or I could just let him find out on his own. I've told him about my experience with women like this and the end result of each one when I would go on my own and discover they weren't interested. Whatever the case, opinions would be appreciated.

 

[Rexedgar]

Free advise is often worth what it costs you.

There are some things that a friend cannot help with, I think this is one of those situations. If you are correct in your observations, the best thing you can do is offer support after he comes down to earth.

 

[Aunt Antifa]

I have this cousin, John, that I have been doing things with lately. John is 54 y/o, a Christian, a good man, a hard worker, and never been married. His only real issue is he's a little socially awkward (not special needs). Other than that, he's an average guy in every sense of term when it comes to his personality. He'll occasionally come with me to the ballroom studio I go to and meet up for dinner on Thursday nights with my family and their friends. Needless to say, two single guys going out and having fun together. However, there is this woman that he really likes and has known her for sometime. I pretty sure that she's not into him.

I finally got to meet this woman, named Angela. She's 43 y/o, tall, a nurse, was a dance instructor, sings in a duet group, and, supposedly, a Christian. We went down to the town where we watched her sing. Along the way, I had asked other questions about her, and John had told me that guys are always chasing her, and she was married at one time. More specifically, she's divorced and he doesn't know how that happened. Afterwards, she had been in a few other relationships with other guys and had traveled quite a bit. Recently, John had finally said to her that he wants to be more than just friends and would like to go out with her. Her response was that she had to work out some things, first, with an ex-bf. Already a sign saying 'no, let's stay friends.'

We arrive at the place Angela is singing and I can already see why John likes her, as far as on a physical level. Whenever she came up to talk to us when she took a break, it wasn't long. My cousin and I had a good time as the night moved on. I even got to sing with a group of ladies that were on their way out, as well as dance with a married couple for a few songs. My cousin is pretty low key and I tried to get him to join in, but he didn't. I didn't care, even as the younger crowd started coming in for their late night drinks (no, I wasn't drunk).

After the last song, we actually got to talk to Angela and the person she was singing with. Somewhere during our conversation, it was brought up that I'm taking ballroom dance lessons, and the place I go to Angela use to be an instructor there. We brought up about the different styles, and, out of the blue, we demonstrated some of the moves from the different styles I was taking. We even did a full minute of waltz, and I was trying to get John to do it instead. Still, he didn't want to, even though he invited me along and I warmed Angela up to do it. In any case, we said our goodbyes afterwards and went home.

John still didn't seem to get the hint that Angela is not that interested in him. He seems convinced that she has a greater level of attraction towards him than what she's letting on, just by these little gestures she had, supposedly, made towards him. The fact that this woman was fine with me, a stranger, to dance with her, her little interaction with John while we were at the place where she sang, and when she had told him that she had to work out things with her ex-boyfriend should have all been signs that she doesn't want anything to do with him on a romantic level.

What I'm trying to figure out is how I should break it to him without there being a damper on our friendship. Like I said before, he is a good man. However, he tells me that if she tells she's not interested, he'll back off, but I don't know if he believes that. I could go unfiltered and say she's not interested, but I don't know if that would actually do more harm than good. Or I could just let him find out on his own. I've told him about my experience with women like this and the end result of each one when I would go on my own and discover they weren't interested. Whatever the case, opinions would be appreciated.

Let the bro find out on his own. The heart wants what the heart wants.

 

[Bok Tuklo]

"Dude. She's obviously not into you. Let it go."

 

[americanwoman]

I have this cousin, John, that I have been doing things with lately. John is 54 y/o, a Christian, a good man, a hard worker, and never been married. His only real issue is he's a little socially awkward (not special needs). Other than that, he's an average guy in every sense of term when it comes to his personality. He'll occasionally come with me to the ballroom studio I go to and meet up for dinner on Thursday nights with my family and their friends. Needless to say, two single guys going out and having fun together. However, there is this woman that he really likes and has known her for sometime. I pretty sure that she's not into him.

I finally got to meet this woman, named Angela. She's 43 y/o, tall, a nurse, was a dance instructor, sings in a duet group, and, supposedly, a Christian. We went down to the town where we watched her sing. Along the way, I had asked other questions about her, and John had told me that guys are always chasing her, and she was married at one time. More specifically, she's divorced and he doesn't know how that happened. Afterwards, she had been in a few other relationships with other guys and had traveled quite a bit. Recently, John had finally said to her that he wants to be more than just friends and would like to go out with her. Her response was that she had to work out some things, first, with an ex-bf. Already a sign saying 'no, let's stay friends.'

We arrive at the place Angela is singing and I can already see why John likes her, as far as on a physical level. Whenever she came up to talk to us when she took a break, it wasn't long. My cousin and I had a good time as the night moved on. I even got to sing with a group of ladies that were on their way out, as well as dance with a married couple for a few songs. My cousin is pretty low key and I tried to get him to join in, but he didn't. I didn't care, even as the younger crowd started coming in for their late night drinks (no, I wasn't drunk).

After the last song, we actually got to talk to Angela and the person she was singing with. Somewhere during our conversation, it was brought up that I'm taking ballroom dance lessons, and the place I go to Angela use to be an instructor there. We brought up about the different styles, and, out of the blue, we demonstrated some of the moves from the different styles I was taking. We even did a full minute of waltz, and I was trying to get John to do it instead. Still, he didn't want to, even though he invited me along and I warmed Angela up to do it. In any case, we said our goodbyes afterwards and went home.

John still didn't seem to get the hint that Angela is not that interested in him. He seems convinced that she has a greater level of attraction towards him than what she's letting on, just by these little gestures she had, supposedly, made towards him. The fact that this woman was fine with me, a stranger, to dance with her, her little interaction with John while we were at the place where she sang, and when she had told him that she had to work out things with her ex-boyfriend should have all been signs that she doesn't want anything to do with him on a romantic level.

What I'm trying to figure out is how I should break it to him without there being a damper on our friendship. Like I said before, he is a good man. However, he tells me that if she tells she's not interested, he'll back off, but I don't know if he believes that. I could go unfiltered and say she's not interested, but I don't know if that would actually do more harm than good. Or I could just let him find out on his own. I've told him about my experience with women like this and the end result of each one when I would go on my own and discover they weren't interested. Whatever the case, opinions would be appreciated.

Honestly, do you want him to back off so you can make the moves?

 

[Herkamer63]

One last thing, John, and many other guys in the world today, has gone through what I had gone through in the past.

I had gone through periods where it was more flirting and leading on from these kind of women. Long story short, it was all flattering but never anything real because, in the end, they were already with a guy or two. It sucked because all I did was think about these women and tried to gain their attention on a romantic level. Never happened. And I could had done something better with my time, instead of sitting wondering if any of these women did or didn't like me in that way. Part of the reason why I'm staying single, for now, and just going out and doing the things I enjoy, rather than gain the approval of someone else who might be far more boring and uninteresting than what they let on.

That's why I'm asking for the advice because when I see my cousin, who's a good man, go through what I did, it hurts and it's embarrassing. The man's very intelligent who has a good job, and very friendly. But he always seems to sucker himself into these situations, and probably no one has come along to tell him that it's a bad idea. However, with him at 54 y/o he's more so set in his ways, so I'm just wondering if should just let it play out then help take his mind off it later.

 

[Herkamer63]

Honestly, do you want him to back off so you can make the moves?

Nope. I have no interest. I've ran into these kind of women before and tried to gain their favor, but it only ended in disappointment for me. So no thanks.

 

[americanwoman]

Nope. I have no interest. I've ran into these kind of women before and tried to gain their favor, but it only ended in disappointment for me. So no thanks.

You met her one time and have mostly second hand knowledge of her but yet can judge her as "that kind of woman".

Just let your cousin handle things - either it works out or it doesn't. You have no idea if there really is something to work out with an ex-boyfriend or not and just projecting your own issues with "that kind of woman" onto both of them.

 

[swing_voter]

Explain "friend zoned" to him.


Tell him to date women in his league.


.

 

[Bok Tuklo]

Explain "friend zoned" to him.


Tell him to date women in his league.


.

Two things that don't exist: the friend zone and leagues.

 

[bluesmoke]

It's none of your business. She can take care of herself without your rescue. Or, he can survive without your rescue.

 

[HIP56948]

Your friend needs experience. To gain that experience perhaps he needs to join a decent service like Eharmony. It's always easy for someone to say something like:
"It's easy Bob, just be yourself!" Yeah, easy to say but a lot of people don't truly know who they are. If he would start having more dates on a regular basis with various women, he would make errors and more errors and finally he'd start to understand the sometimes complicated interactions with strangers are truly not that complicated after all.
I mean, he'd learn the various Clues that people have when talking with them. "Christ, she keeps looking at her watch....this date is going nowhere"
As others have said>> Get Experience. Remember when you first learned to ride a bike? You probably busted your ass at least once or 10 times?
Dating ain't no different.

 

[Herkamer63]

You met her one time and have mostly second hand knowledge of her but yet can judge her as "that kind of woman".

Just let your cousin handle things - either it works out or it doesn't. You have no idea if there really is something to work out with an ex-boyfriend or not and just projecting your own issues with "that kind of woman" onto both of them.

That's fair, but given the circumstances, I've gone through almost the same experience as my cousin is going through right now. Call me a cynic, but one woman that I was interested in, I asked her out for a coffee and she gave me the "I don't know" answer. One week later, while I was working with a guy who has special needs out on the street, I see her walking and holding hands with another guy. Strangest and most awkward part was we saw each other. It was confirmed later, from a mutual friend, that it was her bf. I know that she doesn't have to tell that she had one, but if she would have, at least, given a 'no' answer, it wouldn't have wasted my time and trouble to ask. And I have had a bunch of other women who did the same thing, so this matter with my cousin and this woman he likes doesn't sound any different. I could be wrong, and I would happy to be wrong, but I see a similar pattern happening, so I'm not sold on this person being what she's made out to be.

 

[thedude404]

Dude is gay. She senses it.

 

[Juks]

I have this cousin, John, that I have been doing things with lately. John is 54 y/o, a Christian, a good man, a hard worker, and never been married. His only real issue is he's a little socially awkward (not special needs). Other than that, he's an average guy in every sense of term when it comes to his personality. He'll occasionally come with me to the ballroom studio I go to and meet up for dinner on Thursday nights with my family and their friends. Needless to say, two single guys going out and having fun together. However, there is this woman that he really likes and has known her for sometime. I pretty sure that she's not into him.

I finally got to meet this woman, named Angela. She's 43 y/o, tall, a nurse, was a dance instructor, sings in a duet group, and, supposedly, a Christian. We went down to the town where we watched her sing. Along the way, I had asked other questions about her, and John had told me that guys are always chasing her, and she was married at one time. More specifically, she's divorced and he doesn't know how that happened. Afterwards, she had been in a few other relationships with other guys and had traveled quite a bit. Recently, John had finally said to her that he wants to be more than just friends and would like to go out with her. Her response was that she had to work out some things, first, with an ex-bf. Already a sign saying 'no, let's stay friends.'

We arrive at the place Angela is singing and I can already see why John likes her, as far as on a physical level. Whenever she came up to talk to us when she took a break, it wasn't long. My cousin and I had a good time as the night moved on. I even got to sing with a group of ladies that were on their way out, as well as dance with a married couple for a few songs. My cousin is pretty low key and I tried to get him to join in, but he didn't. I didn't care, even as the younger crowd started coming in for their late night drinks (no, I wasn't drunk).

After the last song, we actually got to talk to Angela and the person she was singing with. Somewhere during our conversation, it was brought up that I'm taking ballroom dance lessons, and the place I go to Angela use to be an instructor there. We brought up about the different styles, and, out of the blue, we demonstrated some of the moves from the different styles I was taking. We even did a full minute of waltz, and I was trying to get John to do it instead. Still, he didn't want to, even though he invited me along and I warmed Angela up to do it. In any case, we said our goodbyes afterwards and went home.

John still didn't seem to get the hint that Angela is not that interested in him. He seems convinced that she has a greater level of attraction towards him than what she's letting on, just by these little gestures she had, supposedly, made towards him. The fact that this woman was fine with me, a stranger, to dance with her, her little interaction with John while we were at the place where she sang, and when she had told him that she had to work out things with her ex-boyfriend should have all been signs that she doesn't want anything to do with him on a romantic level.

What I'm trying to figure out is how I should break it to him without there being a damper on our friendship. Like I said before, he is a good man. However, he tells me that if she tells she's not interested, he'll back off, but I don't know if he believes that. I could go unfiltered and say she's not interested, but I don't know if that would actually do more harm than good. Or I could just let him find out on his own. I've told him about my experience with women like this and the end result of each one when I would go on my own and discover they weren't interested. Whatever the case, opinions would be appreciated.

Sounds like you are into her yourselves and just want your cousin out of the way....

Let her tell him herself if she is not into him. You are not in her head more than he is and the only one who knows who she is or isn't into is she.

 

[bearpoker]

Nope. I have no interest. I've ran into these kind of women before and tried to gain their favor, but it only ended in disappointment for me. So no thanks.

It sounds to me like this lady is outgoing and sociable, pays attention to the people around her. Sometimes very introverted people aren't used to that kind of behavior and read more into it than they should. The woman is probably just being friendly.

 

[PeacefulWarrior]

Let him figure it out for himself.
A good deed never goes unpunished.

 

[bearpoker]

Dude is gay. She senses it.

He actually does deserve it, not for being gay. He wants a relationship with this lady, but he's not willing to put himself out to make an effort at it. She's social and likes to dance. Is he willing to join her in an activity she enjoys? Nope. He sits in his chair and won't participate. Why would she want to date a wet blanket like him?

 

[Herkamer63]

He actually does deserve it, not for being gay. He wants a relationship with this lady, but he's not willing to put himself out to make an effort at it. She's social and likes to dance. Is he willing to join her in an activity she enjoys? Nope. He sits in his chair and won't participate. Why would she want to date a wet blanket like him?

It's fair to say that he's not willing to go out of his way and have some fun because he just wants to sit there and analyze what she's saying. He can analyze all he wants, but if he's not actually taking some initiative and doing something, it's pointless. I don't know if she had actually wanted him to do something with him during her singing gigs because the second time I went with him to watch this woman perform, before the show, she practiced a part from one of Journey's songs. She then came up to our table, during a break, to talk for a bit and I made a request for Don't Stop Believing. She asked if I could come up and sing. I did, and I tried getting my cousin up there. He didn't want to, although he was okay that I did it. Towards the end of the night, before the show wrapped up, the woman asked me to come up again to sing another Journey song, Separate Ways (which I think is a better song than Don't Stop Believing, imo). Sang that one too, and, once again, tried to get my cousin up there, but he didn't want to.

Now, truth be told, I had fun, but a few glasses of wine will help do that, and my cousin seemingly also had a good time. On the way back, though, he wanted to talk about what he might have been picking up from this woman. You said it a little earlier, she just might be trying to be nice to him, and I don't think there's any hidden messages she's trying to send him through her music, which he was trying to get at with me. If he wanted to have any sort of a chance with her, he would have to not only drop another 20-40 pounds and dress a little better, but also have to be a little more outgoing. His heart is in the right place of how to treat others, but he just needs a confidence booster.

Only thing I can think of is this: As mentioned earlier, I've been taking ballroom dance lessons, and so has my cousin. Just recently, we had a group lesson at the place we go to and had a shortage of ladies for their part. So, what I did was I stepped into that role to help with the shortage until more got there (which they did), and I danced with every guy there, including my cousin. So I now know a basic ladies part for a waltz, and I think I've convinced him to actually try and dance next time this woman sings. Don't think it'll work, but he has to be willing to, at least, try and have some fun with it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, and I've learned through ballroom dance that, so long as it looks like you're having fun and a good time, people will want to hang with you more. In my case, I'm already talking to a woman about going to some wineries that have music and a dance floor with a group of other people from our class, and I dance with this person a lot. We have a blast, too, and I want to try and get that across to my cousin. You can't just sit there hoping someone will recognize based on little things that might mean nothing at all.

 

[Checkerboard Strangler]

Before I met Linda or Karen, (1982) I was working with a lady who had a gift for gab, a family heritage in music and showbiz and looks.
Her dad was a famous Vegas lounge singer, her older sister is a Vegas showgirl....it seemed quite natural to match all that up.
She wasn't as interested as I was though and I had a bit of a hard time accepting that.

Fast forward to me together with Linda, my first wife.
Suddenly "Gina" begins showing up at my Venice Boardwalk edit bay at all hours, for the flimsiest of excuses.
Pffffftttt, I finally began to make myself "less available"...I was in a pretty good spot with Linda and it was clear we were in a long term relationship with a goal of marriage and I didn't want to ruin that for a possible fling.

Fast forward again to I am separated from Linda, moving to the South to be with Karen, fast forward again to thirteen years later and we're moving back to Southern California again.
Guess who pops up on my radar again?
Gina! Of course!



I think I might be playing the role of the "just not that into you" side of the equation this time around.
I can guarantee you this, Karen "ain't havin none of this."

 

[bearpoker]

It's fair to say that he's not willing to go out of his way and have some fun because he just wants to sit there and analyze what she's saying. He can analyze all he wants, but if he's not actually taking some initiative and doing something, it's pointless. I don't know if she had actually wanted him to do something with him during her singing gigs because the second time I went with him to watch this woman perform, before the show, she practiced a part from one of Journey's songs. She then came up to our table, during a break, to talk for a bit and I made a request for Don't Stop Believing. She asked if I could come up and sing. I did, and I tried getting my cousin up there. He didn't want to, although he was okay that I did it. Towards the end of the night, before the show wrapped up, the woman asked me to come up again to sing another Journey song, Separate Ways (which I think is a better song than Don't Stop Believing, imo). Sang that one too, and, once again, tried to get my cousin up there, but he didn't want to.

Now, truth be told, I had fun, but a few glasses of wine will help do that, and my cousin seemingly also had a good time. On the way back, though, he wanted to talk about what he might have been picking up from this woman. You said it a little earlier, she just might be trying to be nice to him, and I don't think there's any hidden messages she's trying to send him through her music, which he was trying to get at with me. If he wanted to have any sort of a chance with her, he would have to not only drop another 20-40 pounds and dress a little better, but also have to be a little more outgoing. His heart is in the right place of how to treat others, but he just needs a confidence booster.

Only thing I can think of is this: As mentioned earlier, I've been taking ballroom dance lessons, and so has my cousin. Just recently, we had a group lesson at the place we go to and had a shortage of ladies for their part. So, what I did was I stepped into that role to help with the shortage until more got there (which they did), and I danced with every guy there, including my cousin. So I now know a basic ladies part for a waltz, and I think I've convinced him to actually try and dance next time this woman sings. Don't think it'll work, but he has to be willing to, at least, try and have some fun with it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, and I've learned through ballroom dance that, so long as it looks like you're having fun and a good time, people will want to hang with you more. In my case, I'm already talking to a woman about going to some wineries that have music and a dance floor with a group of other people from our class, and I dance with this person a lot. We have a blast, too, and I want to try and get that across to my cousin. You can't just sit there hoping someone will recognize based on little things that might mean nothing at all.

Maybe if you can get him to socialize more as well as dance, good things will happen for him. Whether it works out with this particular woman or not.

 

[Herkamer63]

Maybe if you can get him to socialize more as well as dance, good things will happen for him. Whether it works out with this particular woman or not.

Right, and I've been trying to go with him to do more stuff and meet new people, in addition to going whenever I'm available to watch this woman that he like's perform. Just getting him to have a buddy helps because more people do approach our table. Now, I don't go over the top or anything, but I do become more outgoing while I'm hanging out with him, and the woman's partner recognizes when I'm singing along, and I like to try and interact with the other people watching. In turn, I get my cousin to interact as well, as much as he's willing without me pushing. I think if this (or ANY) woman sees him having a good time with others, she might respond positively towards him. No guarantee, but it'll up his chances, at least.