How many families have stayed together when they shouldn't have?

[Checkerboard Strangler]

It's a very simple question:

How many families have stayed together when they shouldn't have?

I'd like to collect anecdotal evidence that there are families out there where the children did worse with the parents together than they would have if the parents separated.

Your responses, pro and con, are both welcomed.

 

[Checkerboard Strangler]

I'm going to carry over El Chupacabra's response from the other thread if he doesn't mind.

:2wave:

My parents were an example. At some point they just stopped getting along, and I think a lot of that stemmed from the resentment my father had coming to this country. He was a successful accountant and owned his own business in Ecuador, all of which he left behind because my mother wanted better opportunities for the family she wanted. Once I was a teenager and was more aware of the deteriorating dynamic, there was a part of me that felt sad for the both of them because I knew they were only together because it made sense financially. I still respect their effort though, because staying together gave them that financial flexibility to send my sister a better opportunity in a bad neighborhood. Other friends I had were in similar situations but not as lucky in terms of how their parents managed their situation.

 

[beerftw]

My great grandparents stayed married for ever, literally until they both died. They never got along like people believe, but when they got married divorce was a dirty word used only in extreme cases, for their day you learned to get along. My great grandparents not only had their own bed they shared but seperate twin beds as well, which showed they did fight alot, but considering one died at 85 and the other at 90 some ought or something, they may have had a point.

If anything is learned from them it was that a family is not held together for financial reasons, it is for the long haul through good or bad, and sometimes you need to tough out the bad rather than giving up for the sake of convenience.

 

[Chomsky]

My great grandparents stayed married for ever, literally until they both died. They never got along like people believe, but when they got married divorce was a dirty word used only in extreme cases, for their day you learned to get along. My great grandparents not only had their own bed they shared but seperate twin beds as well, which showed they did fight alot, but considering one died at 85 and the other at 90 some ought or something, they may have had a point.

If anything is learned from them it was that a family is not held together for financial reasons, it is for the long haul through good or bad, and sometimes you need to tough out the bad rather than giving up for the sake of convenience.

Different beds in old age might not necessarily be the results of acrimony. It could be due to one partner being a horrendous snorer, one or both partners suffering from the aches and pains of growing old, or the marital partners may have different work/sleep schedules, even if the sleep incompatibility is not daily. The fact that your grandparents do indeed have a shared bed, would lead me to believe their marriage has at least some shreds of amicability.

I'm just saying this because my grandparents had different beds and bedrooms much of the time, yet their relationship seemed otherwise loving, calm, peaceful, and respectful. My grandmother was a pain sufferer in her old age, and often needed the separate bed for her peaceful sleep. My mom had to be up by 4:00A to open her business, and often worked late into the night, sometimes past 10:00P. My father was an amazingly loud snorer. She would sometimes sleep a bed in the spare room, when she just had to get the few hours of shut-eye she could on her busiest shop days. Yet my parents were amazingly in love 'till we lost my Dad. She still loves him 'till today, and never dated or remarried.

 

[Superfly]

I'm torn on this. My former husband and I split up and it really hurt my daughter, who was 10 at the time. She cried, of course, but it also hurt her because she found out later that he wasn't much of a father. Rarely came to visit her, etc. He won't talk to her at all now, and he and I have been apart for 23 years. I always told myself that no matter how unhappy I was, I'd never break up a family again. I hated how it affected my daughter. I wouldn't want what happened to her, to happen to my other kids. Fortunately, my husband and I get along great, and in all the years we've been together, divorce has never been an issue that we raised. But even if it had been, I wouldn't have willingly ventured in to it, for my kids' sake.

 

[Hawkeye10]

Different beds in old age might not necessarily be the results of acrimony. It could be due to one partner being a horrendous snorer, one or both partners suffering from the aches and pains of growing old, or the marital partners may have different work/sleep schedules, even if the sleep incompatibility is not daily. The fact that your grandparents do indeed have a shared bed, would lead me to believe their marriage has at least some shreds of amicability.

I'm just saying this because my grandparents had different beds and bedrooms much of the time, yet their relationship seemed otherwise loving, calm, peaceful, and respectful. My grandmother was a pain sufferer in her old age, and often needed the separate bed for her peaceful sleep. My mom had to be up by 4:00A to open her business, and often worked late into the night, sometimes past 10:00P. My father was an amazingly loud snorer. She would sometimes sleep a bed in the spare room, when she just had to get the few hours of shut-eye she could on her busiest shop days. Yet my parents were amazingly in love 'till we lost my Dad. She still loves him 'till today, and never dated or remarried.

You sure skewered that assertion.

You are of course correct.

 

[Hawkeye10]

I'm torn on this. My former husband and I split up and it really hurt my daughter, who was 10 at the time. She cried, of course, but it also hurt her because she found out later that he wasn't much of a father. Rarely came to visit her, etc. He won't talk to her at all now, and he and I have been apart for 23 years. I always told myself that no matter how unhappy I was, I'd never break up a family again. I hated how it affected my daughter. I wouldn't want what happened to her, to happen to my other kids. Fortunately, my husband and I get along great, and in all the years we've been together, divorce has never been an issue that we raised. But even if it had been, I wouldn't have willingly ventured in to it, for my kids' sake.

I can groove with that....

 

[Chomsky]

I'm torn on this. My former husband and I split up and it really hurt my daughter, who was 10 at the time. She cried, of course, but it also hurt her because she found out later that he wasn't much of a father. Rarely came to visit her, etc. He won't talk to her at all now, and he and I have been apart for 23 years. I always told myself that no matter how unhappy I was, I'd never break up a family again. I hated how it affected my daughter. I wouldn't want what happened to her, to happen to my other kids. Fortunately, my husband and I get along great, and in all the years we've been together, divorce has never been an issue that we raised. But even if it had been, I wouldn't have willingly ventured in to it, for my kids' sake.

This is a poignant post Fly; I give you credit for baring your soul here.

So many of us get married while we're young, naive, and idealist, not having enough maturity and benefit of life experiences to fully appreciate the consequences of our actions as the future decades-to-come unfurl. It's really not our fault, it's the cycle of life. Though some do better at it than others.

But the above is exemplified by the statistics that bear-out the higher failure rate of second marriages, and by the polls and anecdotal evidence that shows many come to realize that they regret not working harder at conflict resolution in their first marriages.

I've also seen this concept occur with guys that cheat-on and leave their wives. They often regret it after finding-out the new girlfiend isn't all they thought she was, when they finally move in with her. Well, Yeah! Duh! :doh

The girlfriend only sees you once a week for a few hours. It's essentially a date. She's being on good "date" behavior. Then when you leave your wife and move-in with her, you finally get to see the "real" her! And as a few of my buddies and co-workers found, the real girlfriend is no better than the real wife. In fact, she's often worst. Because she's an opportunistic cheater. And now you're stuck with a cheater, which is appropriate because you're a cheater too. Have a happy life! :2razz:

 

[joyjoy22]

I have a friend who knows for a fact that her husband is a cheating douchebag. She always knock at my front door seeking help/advice but then she won't listen to me. The other woman send her a copy of their scandal and she just cried, get mad then afterward they are fine like nothing happened. She forgives him after saying sorry and that he won't do it again. She hang on to a toxic relationship for the sake of their 3-years old baby girl and a 1-month old baby boy. Also, her husband had three babies from three different women before they officially tie the knot. And his reason for cheating on her behind her back is because he needs money to provide for their family. He is like a prostitute willing to bang women for the sake of money. He is a human resources employee but he stopped working when he realize that these whores pay him thrice the salary that the company offers him. I am really disappointed and I feel sad for my friend but then again she still wants to keep a happy family for the sake of their children. I just hope that no more mistress will come along the way.

 

[Mr Person]

Different beds in old age might not necessarily be the results of acrimony. It could be due to one partner being a horrendous snorer, one or both partners suffering from the aches and pains of growing old, or the marital partners may have different work/sleep schedules, even if the sleep incompatibility is not daily. The fact that your grandparents do indeed have a shared bed, would lead me to believe their marriage has at least some shreds of amicability.

I'm just saying this because my grandparents had different beds and bedrooms much of the time, yet their relationship seemed otherwise loving, calm, peaceful, and respectful. My grandmother was a pain sufferer in her old age, and often needed the separate bed for her peaceful sleep. My mom had to be up by 4:00A to open her business, and often worked late into the night, sometimes past 10:00P. My father was an amazingly loud snorer. She would sometimes sleep a bed in the spare room, when she just had to get the few hours of shut-eye she could on her busiest shop days. Yet my parents were amazingly in love 'till we lost my Dad. She still loves him 'till today, and never dated or remarried.

Indeed. There are lots of reasons.

My wife and usually start out in the same bed, but not always (if I want to go to bed early). Most nights, somewhere in the early AM I escape to my room/office, which has a spare bed. She starts turning over, sometimes exhaling/sighing as she settles into place. The vibration tends to wake me up and keep me awake if she keeps turning over. Annoying as hell and I need my sleep.

It was always separate beds until her father insisted on giving us a massive gift for our wedding (king size tempur-pedic, whatever the standard base model is; I haven't done the wine trick from the commercials, but you can feel it if someone sits up and then flops over on the other side of the bed).

We always look for rooms with two twins or two doubles when on vacation.

 

[Checkerboard Strangler]

I'm torn on this. My former husband and I split up and it really hurt my daughter, who was 10 at the time. She cried, of course, but it also hurt her because she found out later that he wasn't much of a father. Rarely came to visit her, etc. He won't talk to her at all now, and he and I have been apart for 23 years. I always told myself that no matter how unhappy I was, I'd never break up a family again. I hated how it affected my daughter. I wouldn't want what happened to her, to happen to my other kids. Fortunately, my husband and I get along great, and in all the years we've been together, divorce has never been an issue that we raised. But even if it had been, I wouldn't have willingly ventured in to it, for my kids' sake.

My kids' biological father is one of those crappy dads who isn't good for much more than a check on Christmas and a couple of phone calls. Outside of that, he's about worthless. He's very good when it comes to blaming Karen for Daryl's congenital heart defects, because of course he is only capable of making perfect babies, I suppose.
He's also excellent at cheating, and becoming belligerent when things don't go his way.

When his first child was born (Bri - his daughter) she was the apple of his eye but the moment his son came along two years later she was dropped like a hot potato because: "A BOY!!!"

When it turned out Daryl Jr. was as sick as he was, off he went, bye-bye...leaving Karen to save the boy's life all while she was losing the ability to walk.

I don't think Bri will ever forgive him. Daryl Jr. tries from time to time, but right now he's in the hospital.
Bio-Dad called once, for about a minute.
Jerk.

I was lucky enough to pick up what he threw away...best twenty years of my entire life.
I just want my boy to get better.

 

[Checkerboard Strangler]

Indeed. There are lots of reasons.

My wife and usually start out in the same bed, but not always (if I want to go to bed early). Most nights, somewhere in the early AM I escape to my room/office, which has a spare bed. She starts turning over, sometimes exhaling/sighing as she settles into place. The vibration tends to wake me up and keep me awake if she keeps turning over. Annoying as hell and I need my sleep.

It was always separate beds until her father insisted on giving us a massive gift for our wedding (king size tempur-pedic, whatever the standard base model is; I haven't done the wine trick from the commercials, but you can feel it if someone sits up and then flops over on the other side of the bed).

We always look for rooms with two twins or two doubles when on vacation.

We have a California King, but in reality it's two different adjustable mattresses wedged together.
They go up, down, zero-G, vibrate, massage, you name it, all separately, but they're together, so either one of us can move around all we want with no effects. Plus we're both deep sleepers anyway and even if I am not, I go back to sleep pretty quickly if I am tired anyway so it doesn't matter.

We used to sleep all cuddled together but as Karen's MS has progressed, that is too difficult.
Occasionally I bug her by trying to smooch and cuddle anyway. She pretends it bugs her but I know she secretly likes it, as long as it doesn't go on for very long, and if I drift off, she's pretty good at shoving me back over to the side without waking me.

Our biggest problem is the dog. Boopers is the truly unsettled sleeper of the whole bunch, and as much as Karen loves Betty Boop, she can be a bit annoying sometimes at night. Up, down, up, down, spinning around, getting settled, up again, down again, etc etc.

Fiona Kitty on the other hand, is a purring hot water bottle.

 

[Superfly]

My kids' biological father is one of those crappy dads who isn't good for much more than a check on Christmas and a couple of phone calls. Outside of that, he's about worthless. He's very good when it comes to blaming Karen for Daryl's congenital heart defects, because of course he is only capable of making perfect babies, I suppose.
He's also excellent at cheating, and becoming belligerent when things don't go his way.

When his first child was born (Bri - his daughter) she was the apple of his eye but the moment his son came along two years later she was dropped like a hot potato because: "A BOY!!!"

When it turned out Daryl Jr. was as sick as he was, off he went, bye-bye...leaving Karen to save the boy's life all while she was losing the ability to walk.

I don't think Bri will ever forgive him. Daryl Jr. tries from time to time, but right now he's in the hospital.
Bio-Dad called once, for about a minute.
Jerk.

I was lucky enough to pick up what he threw away...best twenty years of my entire life.
I just want my boy to get better.

View attachment 67247869

Best of luck, my friend. My son isn't my biological son, either - he's my stepson, but I've been in the picture for 23 years, since he was 12, so I was blessed with a life with him.

 

[joko104]

A better question is how many families break up that shouldn't have?

People believe the grass must be greener on the other side - and often find out it is exactly the same (or worse) and now added is the mess of the broken previous family.

It is common that a person let's him/herself go to hell, divorces, and then loses weight, buys new clothing, and tries to be what they should have been while married taking their spouse for granted.