How long should you wait after breaking up with someone before contacting them

[Nilly]

I'm coming to the good people of DP for help with a relationship because you guys are the bomb.

I recently broke up with a girl because I felt that we didn't have enough in common to sustain a lasting relationship. We had great chemistry, but there were some differences in values and interests that I didn't think we would overcome (I since have doubts that they were good reasons to break up with her but that's a different story).

The way that we broke up really sucked, and I feel like an absolute monster even though a lot of it were to due to the surrounding circumstance. She was visiting me in Arizona for a week (we live in different cities, but between both my current work client and parents also being close to where she lived, we managed to see each other every week or two). On the last day of her trip, about an hour before her flight how, some of the things I had been feeling in my relationship arose and we ended up driving to the airport with her in tears. Thankfully, instead of her getting on the 5 hour flight home, we were able to delay it until a later one, and talk through some of the things that came up. However, when she did leave she made it clear that she didn't understand why I wanted to break up with her, and felt that the issues that we had were something we could work through. The last thing she said to me before she left was that she was in shock that it was even happening. We are now on opposite sides of the country, and I think she deserves to know why I felt the way I feel.

There was no big trigger or event that caused the breakup to happened. I harbor no ill feeling toward her, and aside from the manner in which the breakup happened, I don't think she feels ill will to me. I just know she will want some closure as to why we broke up. I am writing her a letter to explain my feelings (which, to be honest, I'm still confused about myself) but have no idea how long I should wait before reaching out to her. The letter isn't trying to win her back, but just an attempt to explain things from my side a little more, so she can hopefully come to terms with the reasons I don't think our relationship work out. I still care about her so much, and I know she loves me, I'm just unsure if a relationship is the right thing for both of us or destined to fail. I've read a few things online and they say to wait 30 days to reach out again, or to just not reach out at all, but these all seem to come from the perspective of the person that was dumped, rather than the person that did the dumping (man I hate that word).

I suspect (and I'm a little afraid) that the answer to this question is 'it depends on the relationship' or maybe 'depends on the person'. Truth is, I'm an impulsive person, and our relationship moved very quickly. If that's the case, then I can see myself sending my letter in the next day or two (the breakup only happened on Sunday). 30 days seems absolutely ginormous, and I think I would feel incredibly guilty for not reaching out to her sooner. But at the same time, I feel like as much as I want to send it to her as soon as I can, there is such a thing as too soon. Maybe there isn't a real answer, but

I want to put myself in her shoes, but these situations are impossible when you're in them yourself, and it's much easier to know what to do when you're not emotionally invested. So I ask you this, if someone you loved broke up with you, and the breakup felt rushed, and you don't think there was time to really communicate properly with each other (and to be honest most of it was a tear-filled mess) would you want them to reach out to you sooner, and try to clarify things, or later, and give you the time and space you need to get over them?

Finally, I know this isn't a tavern, but if someone could slide a drink down this way it would be much appreciated. Any and all advice is welcome. Thanks all.

 

[Josie]

That sucks.

I've been in her shoes. For me, the worst part was him not communicating to me at all what was going on. It was just -- bam! -- nothing. I would want you to explain yourself as soon as possible and make it very, very clear that you don't want to get back together. Don't leave her hanging in some weird limbo where she has no clue what you're thinking, feeling or going to do next. Be honest, be gentle and be very transparent. And, for the love of all things, don't keep contacting her every so often and get her hopes back up. Ugh!

 

[Mach]

Yeah, if you're sure you want to break it off, sooner the better. Be nice and sincere.

 

[jet57]

I'm coming to the good people of DP for help with a relationship because you guys are the bomb.

I recently broke up with a girl because I felt that we didn't have enough in common to sustain a lasting relationship. We had great chemistry, but there were some differences in values and interests that I didn't think we would overcome (I since have doubts that they were good reasons to break up with her but that's a different story).

The way that we broke up really sucked, and I feel like an absolute monster even though a lot of it were to due to the surrounding circumstance. She was visiting me in Arizona for a week (we live in different cities, but between both my current work client and parents also being close to where she lived, we managed to see each other every week or two). On the last day of her trip, about an hour before her flight how, some of the things I had been feeling in my relationship arose and we ended up driving to the airport with her in tears. Thankfully, instead of her getting on the 5 hour flight home, we were able to delay it until a later one, and talk through some of the things that came up. However, when she did leave she made it clear that she didn't understand why I wanted to break up with her, and felt that the issues that we had were something we could work through. The last thing she said to me before she left was that she was in shock that it was even happening. We are now on opposite sides of the country, and I think she deserves to know why I felt the way I feel.

There was no big trigger or event that caused the breakup to happened. I harbor no ill feeling toward her, and aside from the manner in which the breakup happened, I don't think she feels ill will to me. I just know she will want some closure as to why we broke up. I am writing her a letter to explain my feelings (which, to be honest, I'm still confused about myself) but have no idea how long I should wait before reaching out to her. The letter isn't trying to win her back, but just an attempt to explain things from my side a little more, so she can hopefully come to terms with the reasons I don't think our relationship work out. I still care about her so much, and I know she loves me, I'm just unsure if a relationship is the right thing for both of us or destined to fail. I've read a few things online and they say to wait 30 days to reach out again, or to just not reach out at all, but these all seem to come from the perspective of the person that was dumped, rather than the person that did the dumping (man I hate that word).

I suspect (and I'm a little afraid) that the answer to this question is 'it depends on the relationship' or maybe 'depends on the person'. Truth is, I'm an impulsive person, and our relationship moved very quickly. If that's the case, then I can see myself sending my letter in the next day or two (the breakup only happened on Sunday). 30 days seems absolutely ginormous, and I think I would feel incredibly guilty for not reaching out to her sooner. But at the same time, I feel like as much as I want to send it to her as soon as I can, there is such a thing as too soon. Maybe there isn't a real answer, but

I want to put myself in her shoes, but these situations are impossible when you're in them yourself, and it's much easier to know what to do when you're not emotionally invested. So I ask you this, if someone you loved broke up with you, and the breakup felt rushed, and you don't think there was time to really communicate properly with each other (and to be honest most of it was a tear-filled mess) would you want them to reach out to you sooner, and try to clarify things, or later, and give you the time and space you need to get over them?

Finally, I know this isn't a tavern, but if someone could slide a drink down this way it would be much appreciated. Any and all advice is welcome. Thanks all.

Don't contact her; you broke up. But what I'm reading, in almost 4,000 words is - you wanna get back together...

"I feel guilty" is not an answer. Of course you feel guilty, you broke up with her. That's always painful and full of sleepless nights: especially now.

Let it go for 6 months. If you still feel the same way, call her. If she's dating and not interested, you'll be glad you broke up. If she loves you, you'll be glad and get back together.

Go out and get 6 beers and think about the other 3 billion women in the world.


... and then pick one.

 

[EMNofSeattle]

i wouldnt bother, she'll come to terms with it on her own, I don't see why you'd call or send a letter, she sees it, gets a brief flicker of hope only to read the nitty gritty why she's not good enough for you in detail.

Last time I got dumped I was concerned about reasons, now I know better and she will realize in due time, you weren't willing to put in effort to working them through, that's all she needs to know. You do not owe her an explanation and I don't think she should even want one.

 

[Risky Thicket]

That is a difficult one to answer. It depends on the lady involved for one thing.

Sounds to me as if she didn't have a clue that things were heading south. And right before Christmas too. Women put a lot more stock in timing that men do. Holidays are not a good time to give them the bad news.

It probably would have been better if you had told her when you were in her hometown. Cutting her loose on the way to the airport was bad form. I sense that you know that now. When/if you do talk to her again you might want to start by apologizing for the way you handled it. Be honest, tell her you screwed the pooch and that you will be forever sorry for the way you handled it.

She faced a 5 hour flight from with her heart ripped out. It doesn't sound to me as if you meant to do that. But it will be a cold day in hell before she forgets it. You can't change that or take it back but know that it put an exclamation point on everything you said and did.

You probably had sex with her while she was visiting you. That's really throwing salt in the wound as far as she will be concerned. It's like you were planning the entire time to break up with her but you still had to hit as many times as you could before you dropped the bomb - at the last minute. That is what she is probably thinking. It doesn't sound as if you planned it that way but, you'd be hard pressed to convince her otherwise.

I'd reach out to a friend of hers and test the water. Of course her friend will immediately call her and tell her everything you said. You want that. You also want to get an idea how - when - to proceed.

You are a good man for realizing and admitting that you mishandled it. You are a **** heel for mishandling it. Those are the facts. Ain't no easy way out. It's a good thing that you want to man up. She may not want to talk to you, however. Respect her wishes.

Let us know how it goes.

Best of luck.

 

[Nilly]

That sucks.

I've been in her shoes. For me, the worst part was him not communicating to me at all what was going on. It was just -- bam! -- nothing. I would want you to explain yourself as soon as possible and make it very, very clear that you don't want to get back together. Don't leave her hanging in some weird limbo where she has no clue what you're thinking, feeling or going to do next. Be honest, be gentle and be very transparent. And, for the love of all things, don't keep contacting her every so often and get her hopes back up. Ugh!

Thanks, I appreciate that Josie. I've already actually written my letter, but I want to sleep on it and re-read it before I send it. I also really really want to call her or text her but I think a letter is the way to go first.

One of the problems for me is that I'm not really sure I don't want to ever get back together with her. I think that I broke up with her because of valid reasons, but right now it's so raw that all I can think about is rewinding time and not breaking up with her at all. I keep having these thoughts that maybe the reasons I ended it maybe weren't valid, and they're things that we can work through, but then I think back to times I was actually feeling those reasons in the moment and I'm not so sure. I think the rational part of me knows we had no future, but the emotional part of me (which is flaring up big time right now) wants to try again.

Given what happened I know simply resuming our long distance relationship is off the cards. There's more to fix than can be done over Skype and phone calls. However, she lives in New York and I had always planned on moving there (I've wanted to live in New York since before I met her, and I still do even since breaking up with her). I just have this feeling that I overreacted and maybe if I lived there too we could pick things back up. In that sense, I really don't know what I want and it's my fault. Whilst I figure that out however, the most important thing to me is making sure she's ok, and that's where my letter explaining myself comes in. Even though I don't know what I want, I feel that I can't admit that to her right now as it would give her a false hope about us maybe getting back together were I to move to NYC. I don't really want her to entertain that possibility whilst I don't know for myself if that would ever happen.

I really, really don't want to leave her hanging in that weird limbo like you say. I'm still going to sleep on this, and hopefully a few more replies will come in, but looks like I'll be sending it to her sooner rather than later. Thankyou

 

[MaggieD]

I'm coming to the good people of DP for help with a relationship because you guys are the bomb.

I recently broke up with a girl because I felt that we didn't have enough in common to sustain a lasting relationship. We had great chemistry, but there were some differences in values and interests that I didn't think we would overcome (I since have doubts that they were good reasons to break up with her but that's a different story).

The way that we broke up really sucked, and I feel like an absolute monster even though a lot of it were to due to the surrounding circumstance. She was visiting me in Arizona for a week (we live in different cities, but between both my current work client and parents also being close to where she lived, we managed to see each other every week or two). On the last day of her trip, about an hour before her flight how, some of the things I had been feeling in my relationship arose and we ended up driving to the airport with her in tears. Thankfully, instead of her getting on the 5 hour flight home, we were able to delay it until a later one, and talk through some of the things that came up. However, when she did leave she made it clear that she didn't understand why I wanted to break up with her, and felt that the issues that we had were something we could work through. The last thing she said to me before she left was that she was in shock that it was even happening. We are now on opposite sides of the country, and I think she deserves to know why I felt the way I feel.

There was no big trigger or event that caused the breakup to happened. I harbor no ill feeling toward her, and aside from the manner in which the breakup happened, I don't think she feels ill will to me. I just know she will want some closure as to why we broke up. I am writing her a letter to explain my feelings (which, to be honest, I'm still confused about myself) but have no idea how long I should wait before reaching out to her. The letter isn't trying to win her back, but just an attempt to explain things from my side a little more, so she can hopefully come to terms with the reasons I don't think our relationship work out. I still care about her so much, and I know she loves me, I'm just unsure if a relationship is the right thing for both of us or destined to fail. I've read a few things online and they say to wait 30 days to reach out again, or to just not reach out at all, but these all seem to come from the perspective of the person that was dumped, rather than the person that did the dumping (man I hate that word).

I suspect (and I'm a little afraid) that the answer to this question is 'it depends on the relationship' or maybe 'depends on the person'. Truth is, I'm an impulsive person, and our relationship moved very quickly. If that's the case, then I can see myself sending my letter in the next day or two (the breakup only happened on Sunday). 30 days seems absolutely ginormous, and I think I would feel incredibly guilty for not reaching out to her sooner. But at the same time, I feel like as much as I want to send it to her as soon as I can, there is such a thing as too soon. Maybe there isn't a real answer, but

I want to put myself in her shoes, but these situations are impossible when you're in them yourself, and it's much easier to know what to do when you're not emotionally invested. So I ask you this, if someone you loved broke up with you, and the breakup felt rushed, and you don't think there was time to really communicate properly with each other (and to be honest most of it was a tear-filled mess) would you want them to reach out to you sooner, and try to clarify things, or later, and give you the time and space you need to get over them?

Finally, I know this isn't a tavern, but if someone could slide a drink down this way it would be much appreciated. Any and all advice is welcome. Thanks all.

You broke up with her. Let it go. If she's in that much pain, she'll reach out to you, and you can do the chivalrous thing. My opinion is don't be making excuses, over-explaining, etc. You'll be sending mixed signals. And really? You're reaching out for your own peace of mind, so don't pretend it's anything else.

 

[EMNofSeattle]

You broke up with her. Let it go. If she's in that much pain, she'll reach out to you, and you can do the chivalrous thing. My opinion is don't be making excuses, over-explaining, etc. You'll be sending mixed signals. And really? You're reaching out for your own peace of mind, so don't pretend it's anything else.

You articulated my thoughts better then I ever could.

 

[Nilly]

That is a difficult one to answer. It depends on the lady involved for one thing.

Sounds to me as if she didn't have a clue that things were heading south. And right before Christmas too. Women put a lot more stock in timing that men do. Holidays are not a good time to give them the bad news.

It probably would have been better if you had told her when you were in her hometown. Cutting her loose on the way to the airport was bad form. I sense that you know that now. When/if you do talk to her again you might want to start by apologizing for the way you handled it. Be honest, tell her you screwed the pooch and that you will be forever sorry for the way you handled it.

She faced a 5 hour flight from with her heart ripped out. It doesn't sound to me as if you meant to do that. But it will be a cold day in hell before she forgets it. You can't change that or take it back but know that it put an exclamation point on everything you said and did.

You probably had sex with her while she was visiting you. That's really throwing salt in the wound as far as she will be concerned. It's like you were planning the entire time to break up with her but you still had to hit as many times as you could before you dropped the bomb - at the last minute. That is what she is probably thinking. It doesn't sound as if you planned it that way but, you'd be hard pressed to convince her otherwise.

I'd reach out to a friend of hers and test the water. Of course her friend will immediately call her and tell her everything you said. You want that. You also want to get an idea how - when - to proceed.

You are a good man for realizing and admitting that you mishandled it. You are a **** heel for mishandling it. Those are the facts. Ain't no easy way out. It's a good thing that you want to man up. She may not want to talk to you, however. Respect her wishes.

Let us know how it goes.

Best of luck.

Yeah, it was before Christmas, and right before she had to take a 5 hour flight home too. No family or friends on the plane to comfort her. I feel like an asshole. I knew that going in, and I didn't actually mean to break up with her the day I did. It's just that she sensed something was wrong, one thing turned into another, and it ended with everything coming out the way it did.

That said, in my defense, given the long distance, I'm not sure I would have seen her again until after Christmas (and incidentally, my birthday) and there was no way I was going to break up with her long distance. The idea of letting her make me both a Birthday and Christmas present (we decided to make presents instead of buying) the idea of making her a Christmas present, and the idea of facetiming her every other day over xmas, new years and my birthday, lying and pretending that I was still in love with her seemed like it was just as much a violation of her and her trust.

I only really knew that I should break up with her towards the end of the trip. In fact, it was certain events on the trip that made me think that we couldn't go on long-term, but yes, we did have sex after I knew we were going to break up. I plan on telling her that. It doesn't cover me in glory but I want her to know the truth of how I felt and how things transpired.

I have a text to her roommate written out, and I was thinking about sending it before I began this thread. I wussed out because I was scared her friend would simply tell me to **** off. I also feel like reaching out to her friend and not directly to her could simply be cowardly on my part, but I think it's a valid option.

 

[Praxas]

Thanks, I appreciate that Josie. I've already actually written my letter, but I want to sleep on it and re-read it before I send it. I also really really want to call her or text her but I think a letter is the way to go first.

One of the problems for me is that I'm not really sure I don't want to ever get back together with her. I think that I broke up with her because of valid reasons, but right now it's so raw that all I can think about is rewinding time and not breaking up with her at all. I keep having these thoughts that maybe the reasons I ended it maybe weren't valid, and they're things that we can work through, but then I think back to times I was actually feeling those reasons in the moment and I'm not so sure. I think the rational part of me knows we had no future, but the emotional part of me (which is flaring up big time right now) wants to try again.

Given what happened I know simply resuming our long distance relationship is off the cards. There's more to fix than can be done over Skype and phone calls. However, she lives in New York and I had always planned on moving there (I've wanted to live in New York since before I met her, and I still do even since breaking up with her). I just have this feeling that I overreacted and maybe if I lived there too we could pick things back up. In that sense, I really don't know what I want and it's my fault. Whilst I figure that out however, the most important thing to me is making sure she's ok, and that's where my letter explaining myself comes in. Even though I don't know what I want, I feel that I can't admit that to her right now as it would give her a false hope about us maybe getting back together were I to move to NYC. I don't really want her to entertain that possibility whilst I don't know for myself if that would ever happen.

I really, really don't want to leave her hanging in that weird limbo like you say. I'm still going to sleep on this, and hopefully a few more replies will come in, but looks like I'll be sending it to her sooner rather than later. Thankyou

If you don't know If you wan to get back with her for sure, let it go. Only contact her if you truly want to get back together and can get truly past the reasons you broke up with her in the first place. You would only be hurting her and eventually you.

 

[Nilly]

You broke up with her. Let it go. If she's in that much pain, she'll reach out to you, and you can do the chivalrous thing. My opinion is don't be making excuses, over-explaining, etc. You'll be sending mixed signals. And really? You're reaching out for your own peace of mind, so don't pretend it's anything else.

i wouldnt bother, she'll come to terms with it on her own, I don't see why you'd call or send a letter, she sees it, gets a brief flicker of hope only to read the nitty gritty why she's not good enough for you in detail.

Last time I got dumped I was concerned about reasons, now I know better and she will realize in due time, you weren't willing to put in effort to working them through, that's all she needs to know. You do not owe her an explanation and I don't think she should even want one.

Yeah... this has crossed my mind too

When my friend faced a similar situation, I told him not to reach out to her. Because it was for his own peace of mind, and that he was the wound right now that she was trying to heal from and hearing from him would only make it worse for her. But I seem unable to follow my own advice.

At the same time, when my younger sister was dumped she said the worst part was that the guy didn't reach out and clarify why, and Josie said the same thing above.

I just don't know... Whilst I don't personally like this option as much, I absolutely appreciate both of your inputs. Thankyou.

 

[Risky Thicket]

Yeah, it was before Christmas, and right before she had to take a 5 hour flight home too. No family or friends on the plane to comfort her. I feel like an asshole. I knew that going in, and I didn't actually mean to break up with her the day I did. It's just that she sensed something was wrong, one thing turned into another, and it ended with everything coming out the way it did.

That said, in my defense, given the long distance, I'm not sure I would have seen her again until after Christmas (and incidentally, my birthday) and there was no way I was going to break up with her long distance. The idea of letting her make me both a Birthday and Christmas present (we decided to make presents instead of buying) the idea of making her a Christmas present, and the idea of facetiming her every other day over xmas, new years and my birthday, lying and pretending that I was still in love with her seemed like it was just as much a violation of her and her trust.

I only really knew that I should break up with her towards the end of the trip. In fact, it was certain events on the trip that made me think that we couldn't go on long-term, but yes, we did have sex after I knew we were going to break up. I plan on telling her that. It doesn't cover me in glory but I want her to know the truth of how I felt and how things transpired.

I have a text to her roommate written out, and I was thinking about sending it before I began this thread. I wussed out because I was scared her friend would simply tell me to **** off. I also feel like reaching out to her friend and not directly to her could simply be cowardly on my part, but I think it's a valid option.

If we are lucky experience makes us wiser. Unfortunately for a few women in my past I am a slow learner. I've made mistakes similar to yours. No way am I judging you, man. Given my dumbassedness I have no right. People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw parties. Or something like that. I think it was at a party when one such event occurred. I'm not certain as alcohol was involved.

I used to wonder if a couple of country and western songwriters were following me around for good song material. You'd think coming home and finding my clothes hanging in trees and all over the ground and half my stuff thrown all over the sidewalk would have given me a clue that my style and my timing were a bit off. It didn't. It was a year or more before that ex-girlfriend spoke to me again.

Finally, I figured it out. Not that I was trying to. But I did begin to realize that women have a different perspective and I wasn't doing anything to change that.

No matter what you do it probably will not produce the response you'd like. Know that going in and accept it. As I said earlier respect her wishes. At this point it is the best you can do for her.

 

[notquiteright]

I'm coming to the good people of DP for help with a relationship because you guys are the bomb.

1)I recently broke up with a girl because I felt that we didn't have enough in common to sustain a lasting relationship.

2)The way that we broke up really sucked, and I feel like an absolute monster even though a lot of it were to due to the surrounding circumstance. She was visiting me in Arizona for a week. We are now on opposite sides of the country, and I think she deserves to know why I felt the way I feel.

3)There was no big trigger or event that caused the breakup to happened. I harbor no ill feeling toward her, and aside from the manner in which the breakup happened, I don't think she feels ill will to me.

4) I just know she will want some closure as to why we broke up. I am writing her a letter to explain my feelings (which, to be honest, I'm still confused about myself)

5)I want to put myself in her shoes, but these situations are impossible when you're in them yourself, and it's much easier to know what to do when you're not emotionally invested. So I ask you this, if someone you loved broke up with you, and the breakup felt rushed, and you don't think there was time to really communicate properly with each other (and to be honest most of it was a tear-filled mess) would you want them to reach out to you sooner, and try to clarify things, or later, and give you the time and space you need to get over them?

1) could be translated to you just don't think the sex is good enough and she isn't as willing to bend to your opinion enough.

2) yeah it did, spending a week together and then doing the break-up last minute is a true douche move (ya said we is the bomb so bombs away baby!) She can figure it out for herself (better that way) you are a nervous Nilly with commitment issues. She KNOWS you work on a relationship, you bail after you admit- no big trigger.

3) Not to worry, she soon will harbor enough ill will for you both.

4) no she doesn't. She can figure out the closure for herself. YOU seem to not have a good closure reason going there, more like trying to keep the door open because, as you admit, you are a tad impulsive.

5) not to worry, life has a way of fitting everyone with the shoes they deserve- the ol' what goes around comes around. Life doesn't really work like the movies where you get a second take (is why impulsive doesn't really work in crucial situations) I'd just let it go and if she REALLY wants closure, she knows your number.

This is from a guy who was having too much fun when single to ever consider marriage- then spent 30 years loving, fighting, laughing, crying and learning to be a better person with the same woman...

You'd be surprised to find out which shoes life is going to give you to wear- I was. Ya have done enough damage, unless you want to just keep her hoping, let her go, if she wants anything from you she'll squeeze your head... eace

 

[Gonzo Rodeo]

Is this about how bad she feels, or about how bad you feel?

It's a legitimate question, and neither answer is wrong.

 

[EMNofSeattle]

Yeah... this has crossed my mind too

When my friend faced a similar situation, I told him not to reach out to her. Because it was for his own peace of mind, and that he was the wound right now that she was trying to heal from and hearing from him would only make it worse for her. But I seem unable to follow my own advice.

At the same time, when my younger sister was dumped she said the worst part was that the guy didn't reach out and clarify why, and Josie said the same thing above.

I just don't know... Whilst I don't personally like this option as much, I absolutely appreciate both of your inputs. Thankyou.

Do whatever you want, my advice doesn't change, she needs to move on and find a partner who is willing to work with her. No judgements for ending a relationship, it's my firm belief you have a right to end a non working dating relationship.

However I will be judgmental about sleeping with her while you knew and she was largely unsuspecting, do not allow yourself to be convinced otherwise, that was a d!ck move.

 

[Risky Thicket]

Do whatever you want, my advice doesn't change, she needs to move on and find a partner who is willing to work with her. No judgements for ending a relationship, it's my firm belief you have a right to end a non working dating relationship.

However I will be judgmental about sleeping with her while you knew and she was largely unsuspecting, do not allow yourself to be convinced otherwise, that was a d!ck move.

LOL! Literally.

 

[EMNofSeattle]

LOL! Literally.

What's even more tragic, I wrote that, using voice dictation, saying it out loud and didn't catch that pun

 

[Nilly]

1) could be translated to you just don't think the sex is good enough and she isn't as willing to bend to your opinion enough.

The sex was great, the second is a fair point. Although I would say that in a relationships opinions shouldn't have to bend to each other?

2) yeah it did, spending a week together and then doing the break-up last minute is a true douche move (ya said we is the bomb so bombs away baby!) She can figure it out for herself (better that way) you are a nervous Nilly with commitment issues. She KNOWS you work on a relationship, you bail after you admit- no big trigger.

The way in which the break up happened is the worst part of the whole thing. I don't think I regret breaking up with her, I think it had to happen, but I do regret the way in which it happened. It just felt to me like the alternative was worse. In my last relationship I held on for too long, and I didn't have the balls to break up with her when I should have.

Honestly, in hindsight I think the best way would have been to break up remotely. There's a massive stigma against that but probably better than the alternatives.

3) Not to worry, she soon will harbor enough ill will for you both.

Maybe.

4) no she doesn't. She can figure out the closure for herself. YOU seem to not have a good closure reason going there, more like trying to keep the door open because, as you admit, you are a tad impulsive.

That's fair. I don't know what I want. I am impulsive.

She's been collateral damage for my learning experience and that's a ****ty thing to do to someone.

5) not to worry, life has a way of fitting everyone with the shoes they deserve- the ol' what goes around comes around. Life doesn't really work like the movies where you get a second take (is why impulsive doesn't really work in crucial situations) I'd just let it go and if she REALLY wants closure, she knows your number.

This is from a guy who was having too much fun when single to ever consider marriage- then spent 30 years loving, fighting, laughing, crying and learning to be a better person with the same woman...

You'd be surprised to find out which shoes life is going to give you to wear- I was. Ya have done enough damage, unless you want to just keep her hoping, let her go, if she wants anything from you she'll squeeze your head... eace

Again, fair. I'm not really sure what to say in response but thankyou for your frankness. It's sobering and I think needed =/

Do whatever you want, my advice doesn't change, she needs to move on and find a partner who is willing to work with her. No judgements for ending a relationship, it's my firm belief you have a right to end a non working dating relationship.

However I will be judgmental about sleeping with her while you knew and she was largely unsuspecting, do not allow yourself to be convinced otherwise, that was a d!ck move.

I realized it was something I had to do on Friday, we slept together on Saturday, we broke up on Sunday, the situation arising because I didn't want to sleep with her on that Sunday.

I know I'm the asshole in this situation. But for my own peace of mind that doesn't mean I'm not going to pretend there was zero justification for my actions.

 

[Nilly]

Is this about how bad she feels, or about how bad you feel?

It's a legitimate question, and neither answer is wrong.

I hope it's both.

I know it's definitely the latter, and I think it's for the former too. But without knowing how she's feeling inside, I have no way of knowing.

 

[calamity]

I'm coming to the good people of DP for help with a relationship because you guys are the bomb.

I recently broke up with a girl because I felt that we didn't have enough in common to sustain a lasting relationship. We had great chemistry, but there were some differences in values and interests that I didn't think we would overcome (I since have doubts that they were good reasons to break up with her but that's a different story).

The way that we broke up really sucked, and I feel like an absolute monster even though a lot of it were to due to the surrounding circumstance. She was visiting me in Arizona for a week (we live in different cities, but between both my current work client and parents also being close to where she lived, we managed to see each other every week or two). On the last day of her trip, about an hour before her flight how, some of the things I had been feeling in my relationship arose and we ended up driving to the airport with her in tears. Thankfully, instead of her getting on the 5 hour flight home, we were able to delay it until a later one, and talk through some of the things that came up. However, when she did leave she made it clear that she didn't understand why I wanted to break up with her, and felt that the issues that we had were something we could work through. The last thing she said to me before she left was that she was in shock that it was even happening. We are now on opposite sides of the country, and I think she deserves to know why I felt the way I feel.

There was no big trigger or event that caused the breakup to happened. I harbor no ill feeling toward her, and aside from the manner in which the breakup happened, I don't think she feels ill will to me. I just know she will want some closure as to why we broke up. I am writing her a letter to explain my feelings (which, to be honest, I'm still confused about myself) but have no idea how long I should wait before reaching out to her. The letter isn't trying to win her back, but just an attempt to explain things from my side a little more, so she can hopefully come to terms with the reasons I don't think our relationship work out. I still care about her so much, and I know she loves me, I'm just unsure if a relationship is the right thing for both of us or destined to fail. I've read a few things online and they say to wait 30 days to reach out again, or to just not reach out at all, but these all seem to come from the perspective of the person that was dumped, rather than the person that did the dumping (man I hate that word).

I suspect (and I'm a little afraid) that the answer to this question is 'it depends on the relationship' or maybe 'depends on the person'. Truth is, I'm an impulsive person, and our relationship moved very quickly. If that's the case, then I can see myself sending my letter in the next day or two (the breakup only happened on Sunday). 30 days seems absolutely ginormous, and I think I would feel incredibly guilty for not reaching out to her sooner. But at the same time, I feel like as much as I want to send it to her as soon as I can, there is such a thing as too soon. Maybe there isn't a real answer, but

I want to put myself in her shoes, but these situations are impossible when you're in them yourself, and it's much easier to know what to do when you're not emotionally invested. So I ask you this, if someone you loved broke up with you, and the breakup felt rushed, and you don't think there was time to really communicate properly with each other (and to be honest most of it was a tear-filled mess) would you want them to reach out to you sooner, and try to clarify things, or later, and give you the time and space you need to get over them?

Finally, I know this isn't a tavern, but if someone could slide a drink down this way it would be much appreciated. Any and all advice is welcome. Thanks all.

I'd be out looking to hook up right away. Fall of the horse, get right back on.


Besides, you may meet the special someone at any given moment. You don't want to miss out on that opportunity just because you spent a month brooding.

 

[Hawkeye10]

Here is my advise: Send her a message by text or something "If you want to talk I am willing"(and I mean just those 8 words) and then if you dont hear from her let it go 6 months maybe and then give her another jingle if you want. Never tell her that you sexed on her after you had decided to leave her...nothing good comes from that.

 

[calamity]

Here is my advise: Send her a message by text or something "If you want to talk I am willing"(and I mean just those 8 words) and then if you dont hear from her let it go 6 months maybe and then give her another jingle if you want. Never tell you that you sexed on her after you had decided to leave her...nothing good comes from that.

Definitely never tell what you did while you were broken up. Totally agree.

My wife and I broke up a few times before getting together for good. Each time it just sort of worked itself out. Each time, I pursued other opportunities only to find them less satisfying and empty. But, I never told the wife about that part; I never asked her what she did either.

 

[Hawkeye10]

Definitely never tell what you did while you were broken up. Totally agree.

My wife and I broke up a few times before getting together for good. Each time it just sort of worked itself out. Each time, I pursued other opportunities only to find them less satisfying and empty. But, I never told the wife about that part; I never asked her what she did either.

Did you blindside each other when you did cause THAT is hard to come back from.

Yikes.

 

[justabubba]

OK, the ONLY reason you should be contacting her is to make HER feel better about the break-up ... assuming that is even possible
your role is to be the asshole. there is absolutely NO reason for you to detail what about her you found so unacceptable that you needed to break off the relationship. that will do nothing for her except break her heart even more
you must let her know that the relationship failed because of you
she needs to know there was nothing she could have done that would have prevented the breakup
again, because you are the asshole
hope you get the theme of your letter now
as Josie said, do NOT give any indication that your letter hints of possible reconcilliation
you broke away for a reason. and as far as she needs to know, the only reason was because you are not ready for the commitment. i don't care what the real reason may have been, your letter needs to convey to her that you alone are the reason for the termination of your relationship
allow her to walk away with a sense of self respect. ease her hurt. and you know she hurts
this letter is not about you ... except for you telling her what a jerk you are and how wonderful she is, and how much she deserves better than you

i agree with everythig risky said in his first post except the contacting her girl friend part. this is about you and your former partner. no one else needs be involved. it is none of their business

all that said, i have to admit that i admire you. you ralized that whatever you and she had was not truly enough for you. no sense wasting her time or yours on a dead end relationship. i was too chicken**** as a young man to break off the relationship with my first long term girl friend. every step of the way, to continue to date her, to live with her, to set a date to get married, i knew this was not a relationship that would survive. she wanted to get married and i was too much of a coward to say 'no thank you'. so after two years of courtship i entered into a two year starter marriage. only because i did not have the guts to do what you did. obviously, i did her no favor. it would have been MUCH kinder to have ended our relationship when i realized it had no genuine future. but i lied to myself. i chased her and chased her and when i caught her, i realized she was not what i wanted. and was too stupid to end things then
so, yes, you hurt her, and you need to try to make her feel better

but unlike me, towards my young, beautiful, talented wife, you did not inflict long-term damage upon her. you did her a favor to not continue a courtship with no real future. just do not say that when you write/contact her. your job now is to say 'i am so very sorry i hurt you. have a wonderful life, but with someone who deserves you'

good luck in your efforts, whatever you wind up doing