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How do I become illegal?

Schweddy

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Recieved via Email:

(From a Maryland resident to his senator)

The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
Senate Office Building
309 Hart
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

The primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate, and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.



Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $6,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
Pete McGlaughlin
 
Lampoon Of Alternatives

"Lampoon Of Alternatives"

Dear Senator Sarbanes,
Thank you for your assistance.
Your Loyal Constituent,
Pete McGlaughlin
Well sir simply renounce your citizenship.

However, because of the complications involved in deporting you back to your nation of origin (perhaps some red-neck trailer park :)) we suggest that you legally re-classify yourself and your children as minorities.

Until the ethnicity of the US is 1/4 anglo, 1/4 black, 1/4 hispanic and 1/4 other, (unless you are anglo) you may qualify to receive preferential treatment.

Try a search of your family tree, and if a race change proves impossible, perhaps a hardship sex change can be arranged.

Please do not ask what will happen to the minority status of hispanics (non-white) once their population reaches 1/4, the notion that they surpass the requirement but remain minorities confuses the intent of ensuring that anglos (especially the Irish) pay for their guilt in full.
 
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