- Joined
- Dec 14, 2005
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- 1,704
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- New Hampshire
- Gender
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- Political Leaning
- Very Conservative
Synoptic history of the world as we know it:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer or the beer to the man. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum cans were invented yet, so while early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but prefer white wine, margaritas, or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, government employees, personal injury attorneys, journalists, home interior designers, welfare recipients, dreamers in Hollywood, and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and provide their women when they can find one that will put up with them. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, engineers, construction workers, firemen, sailors, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to actually work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing. Today the distinction is sometimes very hard to make as many liberals pretend to be arch conservatives and war hawks while taking all the public assistance money they can get.
Here ends today’s lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer or the beer to the man. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum cans were invented yet, so while early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but prefer white wine, margaritas, or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, government employees, personal injury attorneys, journalists, home interior designers, welfare recipients, dreamers in Hollywood, and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and provide their women when they can find one that will put up with them. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, engineers, construction workers, firemen, sailors, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to actually work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing. Today the distinction is sometimes very hard to make as many liberals pretend to be arch conservatives and war hawks while taking all the public assistance money they can get.
Here ends today’s lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers.
Since this thread has no basis in reality, and hence no point but to inflame, I'll send it to the closest thing that DP has to Fantasyland...The Basement
. Hey sure :2razz: