Has anyone lost an estranged parent? How do you feel about it now?

[Binary_Digit]

My dad was a sick, twisted soul who abused me and my two younger brothers both physically and emotionally as kids. I was put in a foster home when I was 9 after the neighbors heard it and called the cops. My youngest brother was closed-fist beaten and bruised when he was 18. My middle brother was enslaved to the family business well into his 20's.

Over the years I've maintained an on-and-off again relationship with him. We've usually been able to pretend the gorilla in the room didn't exist and talk about everyday stuff instead. But any time I'd try to bring it up for some closure, he'd be full of excuses like I was very young and couldn't remember the situation accurately, or that the truly bad stuff was actually done by my step father (who was also abusive, but the truth is he was the "nice" one to me and mostly focused on my mom).

The last time I saw him was about 5 years ago. We went out to dinner with my GF and her family, during which he made a joking comment about my "manhood" because I don't like eating steak (which is also because of his abuse, ironically, but that's another story). Afterwards, as he drove away to head home (he lives several states away) I told my GF that I may never see him again, and that thought didn't make me feel sad at all.

Just over a couple years ago he was very disrespectful to me in emails, so finally I decided that he will always be an abuser and will never again be welcome in my life. So. ****ing. Done. I sent him an email that wasn't rude or hateful, but it pulled no punches in describing all of the major abusive things he did to me that I could remember, and made it clear that all I was really looking for was an acknowledgement and apology. Two weeks later he replied that I had a lot of words to say but very little standing to say them, and then made a generic statement of having "regret" for all of his "parental mistakes". I took it as more whitewash bullshit, just like always.

Fast forward to today. My only brother whose still in regular contact with him is telling me that he's been pissing blood and probably has prostate cancer. Same thing that took my grandpa. So naturally I can't help but second-guess whether or not I want to talk to him again. On one hand, once he's gone I'll never get that chance again. But on the other hand, I don't even know if I actually love him. There are some fond memories and I do try to remember them more than the other stuff, but at the end of the day that's not who he really was (and to an extent, is). Part of me thinks I'm probably not longing to talk to him, but instead I'm longing to talk to the father he should have been. The one he was supposed to be. The one that every child deserves. And the reality is, that's a father who I'll never be able to talk to, whether my real one is still alive or not. So what difference would it make? Wouldn't I be better off if I just hold him in my memory as having been a better father than he really was?

 

[bongsaway]

My dad was a sick, twisted soul who abused me and my two younger brothers both physically and emotionally as kids. I was put in a foster home when I was 9 after the neighbors heard it and called the cops. My youngest brother was closed-fist beaten and bruised when he was 18. My middle brother was enslaved to the family business well into his 20's.

Over the years I've maintained an on-and-off again relationship with him. We've usually been able to pretend the gorilla in the room didn't exist and talk about everyday stuff instead. But any time I'd try to bring it up for some closure, he'd be full of excuses like I was very young and couldn't remember the situation accurately, or that the truly bad stuff was actually done by my step father (who was also abusive, but the truth is he was the "nice" one to me and mostly focused on my mom).

The last time I saw him was about 5 years ago. We went out to dinner with my GF and her family, during which he made a joking comment about my "manhood" because I don't like eating steak (which is also because of his abuse, ironically, but that's another story). Afterwards, as he drove away to head home (he lives several states away) I told my GF that I may never see him again, and that thought didn't make me feel sad at all.

Just over a couple years ago he was very disrespectful to me in emails, so finally I decided that he will always be an abuser and will never again be welcome in my life. So. ****ing. Done. I sent him an email that wasn't rude or hateful, but it pulled no punches in describing all of the major abusive things he did to me that I could remember, and made it clear that all I was really looking for was an acknowledgement and apology. Two weeks later he replied that I had a lot of words to say but very little standing to say them, and then made a generic statement of having "regret" for all of his "parental mistakes". I took it as more whitewash bullshit, just like always.

Fast forward to today. My only brother whose still in regular contact with him is telling me that he's been pissing blood and probably has prostate cancer. Same thing that took my grandpa. So naturally I can't help but second-guess whether or not I want to talk to him again. On one hand, once he's gone I'll never get that chance again. But on the other hand, I don't even know if I actually love him. There are some fond memories and I do try to remember them more than the other stuff, but at the end of the day that's not who he really was (and to an extent, is). Part of me thinks I'm probably not longing to talk to him, but instead I'm longing to talk to the father he should have been. The one he was supposed to be. The one that every child deserves. And the reality is, that's a father who I'll never be able to talk to, whether my real one is still alive or not. So what difference would it make? Wouldn't I be better off if I just hold him in my memory as having been a better father than he really was?

My gut says, **** him. Why give him one last shot at insulting you or hurting your feelings? I am a true believer in when enough is enough, it's enough. End of, don't look back. We think we must 'love' somebody because they are a family member, I have never seen that rule written anywhere. Don't put yourself into the position to be abused again even verbally. Like you said, hold him in your memory the best you can. Good luck.

 

[AmNat]

My dad was a sick, twisted soul who abused me and my two younger brothers both physically and emotionally as kids. I was put in a foster home when I was 9 after the neighbors heard it and called the cops. My youngest brother was closed-fist beaten and bruised when he was 18. My middle brother was enslaved to the family business well into his 20's.

Over the years I've maintained an on-and-off again relationship with him. We've usually been able to pretend the gorilla in the room didn't exist and talk about everyday stuff instead. But any time I'd try to bring it up for some closure, he'd be full of excuses like I was very young and couldn't remember the situation accurately, or that the truly bad stuff was actually done by my step father (who was also abusive, but the truth is he was the "nice" one to me and mostly focused on my mom).

The last time I saw him was about 5 years ago. We went out to dinner with my GF and her family, during which he made a joking comment about my "manhood" because I don't like eating steak (which is also because of his abuse, ironically, but that's another story). Afterwards, as he drove away to head home (he lives several states away) I told my GF that I may never see him again, and that thought didn't make me feel sad at all.

Just over a couple years ago he was very disrespectful to me in emails, so finally I decided that he will always be an abuser and will never again be welcome in my life. So. ****ing. Done. I sent him an email that wasn't rude or hateful, but it pulled no punches in describing all of the major abusive things he did to me that I could remember, and made it clear that all I was really looking for was an acknowledgement and apology. Two weeks later he replied that I had a lot of words to say but very little standing to say them, and then made a generic statement of having "regret" for all of his "parental mistakes". I took it as more whitewash bullshit, just like always.

Fast forward to today. My only brother whose still in regular contact with him is telling me that he's been pissing blood and probably has prostate cancer. Same thing that took my grandpa. So naturally I can't help but second-guess whether or not I want to talk to him again. On one hand, once he's gone I'll never get that chance again. But on the other hand, I don't even know if I actually love him. There are some fond memories and I do try to remember them more than the other stuff, but at the end of the day that's not who he really was (and to an extent, is). Part of me thinks I'm probably not longing to talk to him, but instead I'm longing to talk to the father he should have been. The one he was supposed to be. The one that every child deserves. And the reality is, that's a father who I'll never be able to talk to, whether my real one is still alive or not. So what difference would it make? Wouldn't I be better off if I just hold him in my memory as having been a better father than he really was?

Is he fully conscious and lucid? If yes, does he have a means of contacting you, should he wish to make amends?

 

[Binary_Digit]

Is he fully conscious and lucid? If yes, does he have a means of contacting you, should he wish to make amends?

Yes and yes. He tried to contact me a couple times by changing the subject, but he got the hint when I didn't respond. Multiple avenues for making amends are and have been available to him, but it seems he'd rather pretend the past doesn't exist. I'd bet good money that he'd say he tried to make amends and that I'm being irrational. He's a master gaslighter like that.

 

[Chagos]

Has anyone lost an estranged parent? How do you feel about it now?​

Yup, both.

Best thing that could have happened.

 

[noonereal]

My dad was a sick, twisted soul who abused me and my two younger brothers both physically and emotionally as kids. I was put in a foster home when I was 9 after the neighbors heard it and called the cops. My youngest brother was closed-fist beaten and bruised when he was 18. My middle brother was enslaved to the family business well into his 20's.

Over the years I've maintained an on-and-off again relationship with him. We've usually been able to pretend the gorilla in the room didn't exist and talk about everyday stuff instead. But any time I'd try to bring it up for some closure, he'd be full of excuses like I was very young and couldn't remember the situation accurately, or that the truly bad stuff was actually done by my step father (who was also abusive, but the truth is he was the "nice" one to me and mostly focused on my mom).

The last time I saw him was about 5 years ago. We went out to dinner with my GF and her family, during which he made a joking comment about my "manhood" because I don't like eating steak (which is also because of his abuse, ironically, but that's another story). Afterwards, as he drove away to head home (he lives several states away) I told my GF that I may never see him again, and that thought didn't make me feel sad at all.

Just over a couple years ago he was very disrespectful to me in emails, so finally I decided that he will always be an abuser and will never again be welcome in my life. So. ****ing. Done. I sent him an email that wasn't rude or hateful, but it pulled no punches in describing all of the major abusive things he did to me that I could remember, and made it clear that all I was really looking for was an acknowledgement and apology. Two weeks later he replied that I had a lot of words to say but very little standing to say them, and then made a generic statement of having "regret" for all of his "parental mistakes". I took it as more whitewash bullshit, just like always.

Fast forward to today. My only brother whose still in regular contact with him is telling me that he's been pissing blood and probably has prostate cancer. Same thing that took my grandpa. So naturally I can't help but second-guess whether or not I want to talk to him again. On one hand, once he's gone I'll never get that chance again. But on the other hand, I don't even know if I actually love him. There are some fond memories and I do try to remember them more than the other stuff, but at the end of the day that's not who he really was (and to an extent, is). Part of me thinks I'm probably not longing to talk to him, but instead I'm longing to talk to the father he should have been. The one he was supposed to be. The one that every child deserves. And the reality is, that's a father who I'll never be able to talk to, whether my real one is still alive or not. So what difference would it make? Wouldn't I be better off if I just hold him in my memory as having been a better father than he really was?

that is your decision to make, obviously.

I was not estranged from my mom but she was difficult.
Long story short, I told her I loved her for the first time in my life when she was on her death bed. In fact, they were the last words she heard. She smiled and let go.

It was an act of kindness because I knew she wanted to hear it. It was hard for me to say but I don't lose sleep over it and dont feel heroic for doing it.

Make of this post what you will

Peace

 

[DiAnna]

@Binary_Digit I'm sorry for what you have endured from your father, and hope that whatever you decide to do will bring you peace. *hugs*

 

[Trippy Trekker]

My dad was a sick, twisted soul who abused me and my two younger brothers both physically and emotionally as kids. I was put in a foster home when I was 9 after the neighbors heard it and called the cops. My youngest brother was closed-fist beaten and bruised when he was 18. My middle brother was enslaved to the family business well into his 20's.

Over the years I've maintained an on-and-off again relationship with him. We've usually been able to pretend the gorilla in the room didn't exist and talk about everyday stuff instead. But any time I'd try to bring it up for some closure, he'd be full of excuses like I was very young and couldn't remember the situation accurately, or that the truly bad stuff was actually done by my step father (who was also abusive, but the truth is he was the "nice" one to me and mostly focused on my mom).

The last time I saw him was about 5 years ago. We went out to dinner with my GF and her family, during which he made a joking comment about my "manhood" because I don't like eating steak (which is also because of his abuse, ironically, but that's another story). Afterwards, as he drove away to head home (he lives several states away) I told my GF that I may never see him again, and that thought didn't make me feel sad at all.

Just over a couple years ago he was very disrespectful to me in emails, so finally I decided that he will always be an abuser and will never again be welcome in my life. So. ****ing. Done. I sent him an email that wasn't rude or hateful, but it pulled no punches in describing all of the major abusive things he did to me that I could remember, and made it clear that all I was really looking for was an acknowledgement and apology. Two weeks later he replied that I had a lot of words to say but very little standing to say them, and then made a generic statement of having "regret" for all of his "parental mistakes". I took it as more whitewash bullshit, just like always.

Fast forward to today.…

Sad OP!

Both my parents crossed over, first mom, then dad. I wrote the obituaries for both of them. Differences aside, I resolved to outlive them and to work on maintaining cordial relationships with them.

I have fathered four daughters, two from my first wife, one from a mistress and one from my current wife. My 2nd born daughter died May 5, 2019, at age 26. God knows I miss her!

My oldest daughter, age 33, has remained estranged from me for about 12 years. Her mother and I divorced in 2011. My estranged daughter and I have only interacted a few times in those 12 years. Over those years, I improved my ability to live comfortably with the situation.

This leads me to your situation: I advise you to put the focus primarily on yourself and hardly at all on your father. You have a lot more input over your behavior and feelings than you do over your father’s behavior and feelings. Feeling resentment toward someone, IMO, seldom improves how I feel or how that someone behaves. It makes more sense, again IMO, to concentrate foremost on making peace with yourself.

On the 3rd anniversary this past May of her sister’s death, I wrote my estranged daughter a lengthy letter. I did not mince words. I made three specific points: 1. I considered myself a better son to my father than her a daughter to me. 2. I continue to serve my brother better than she served her late sister. 3. As a father, I served my estranged daughter better than my father served me. I have a whole lot of admiration for my late father (and mom too)!

This daughter lives well! Highly educated: GA Tech Civil Engineering undergrad and grad, highest honors. Princeton educated husband and many Ivy League educated in-laws. She birthed a daughter last year, 11/4/21, made no attempt to include me in my granddaughter’s life. My daughter lacks for little materially that I know of. I don’t sweat our future. I made peace with the situation.

Right now, age 66, I have a comfortable 7-figure net worth. I continue to work. I give charity on my terms. Passing on some of my wealth in the future to my estranged daughter depends more on her efforts to cultivate a relationship than it does my efforts.

I do hope, if you reach out to your dad directly or through your brother, you at least give your dad a chance to respond. Don’t engage in “you can reach him but he can’t reach you” as a tactic.

Blessings to you and yours! Feel some Trippy T. Love!

 

[BirdinHand]

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that you are writing this here because you feel conflicted about how to handle the situation and you would feel conflicted if he was to pass without getting whatever it is that you have in your heart and weighing on you out.


Why not tell him what you’ve told us?

So naturally I can't help but second-guess whether or not I want to talk to him again. On one hand, once he's gone I'll never get that chance again. But on the other hand, I don't even know if I actually love him. There are some fond memories and I do try to remember them more than the other stuff, but at the end of the day that's not who he really was (and to an extent, is). Part of me thinks I'm probably not longing to talk to him, but instead I'm longing to talk to the father he should have been. The one he was supposed to be. The one that every child deserves. And the reality is, that's a father who I'll never be able to talk to, whether my real one is still alive or not. So what difference would it make? Wouldn't I be better off if I just hold him in my memory as having been a better father than he really was?

This isn’t your burden to carry, definitely not alone.

Tell him this and whatever else you’ve got weighing on you.

You can’t control how he responds or if he responds - but you can get it off your chest.

And perhaps that will bring you more peace.


Many hugs.

 

[justabubba]

My dad was a sick, twisted soul who abused me and my two younger brothers both physically and emotionally as kids. I was put in a foster home when I was 9 after the neighbors heard it and called the cops. My youngest brother was closed-fist beaten and bruised when he was 18. My middle brother was enslaved to the family business well into his 20's.

Over the years I've maintained an on-and-off again relationship with him. We've usually been able to pretend the gorilla in the room didn't exist and talk about everyday stuff instead. But any time I'd try to bring it up for some closure, he'd be full of excuses like I was very young and couldn't remember the situation accurately, or that the truly bad stuff was actually done by my step father (who was also abusive, but the truth is he was the "nice" one to me and mostly focused on my mom).

The last time I saw him was about 5 years ago. We went out to dinner with my GF and her family, during which he made a joking comment about my "manhood" because I don't like eating steak (which is also because of his abuse, ironically, but that's another story). Afterwards, as he drove away to head home (he lives several states away) I told my GF that I may never see him again, and that thought didn't make me feel sad at all.

Just over a couple years ago he was very disrespectful to me in emails, so finally I decided that he will always be an abuser and will never again be welcome in my life. So. ****ing. Done. I sent him an email that wasn't rude or hateful, but it pulled no punches in describing all of the major abusive things he did to me that I could remember, and made it clear that all I was really looking for was an acknowledgement and apology. Two weeks later he replied that I had a lot of words to say but very little standing to say them, and then made a generic statement of having "regret" for all of his "parental mistakes". I took it as more whitewash bullshit, just like always.

Fast forward to today. My only brother whose still in regular contact with him is telling me that he's been pissing blood and probably has prostate cancer. Same thing that took my grandpa. So naturally I can't help but second-guess whether or not I want to talk to him again. On one hand, once he's gone I'll never get that chance again. But on the other hand, I don't even know if I actually love him. There are some fond memories and I do try to remember them more than the other stuff, but at the end of the day that's not who he really was (and to an extent, is). Part of me thinks I'm probably not longing to talk to him, but instead I'm longing to talk to the father he should have been. The one he was supposed to be. The one that every child deserves. And the reality is, that's a father who I'll never be able to talk to, whether my real one is still alive or not. So what difference would it make? Wouldn't I be better off if I just hold him in my memory as having been a better father than he really was?

hedge your bets

contact him
but because you don't want to regret it later when ignoring him cannot be undone

wishing you the best

 

[multivita-man]

Yes and yes. He tried to contact me a couple times by changing the subject, but he got the hint when I didn't respond. Multiple avenues for making amends are and have been available to him, but it seems he'd rather pretend the past doesn't exist. I'd bet good money that he'd say he tried to make amends and that I'm being irrational. He's a master gaslighter like that.

I don't think one last visit, whether you end up having one or not having one, doesn't really mean that much. I can't speak for you or your feelings, but I think the only time I would regret not making a final visit is if I genuinely thought the person in question was good but that there was some sort of misunderstanding or mistake that per chance might get cleared up. But sustained abuse isn't a misunderstanding. It's not a wedding you weren't invited to or something like that.

 

[Argent]

My father was a mean alcoholic who molested me when I was 9 yrs old and made it known he'd rather spend his money on booze and gambling than financial support for me. I left my hometown when I was 18 and never looked back. There was so much fear growing up that I never felt the need to try to get close as I matured. He dropped dead on the sidewalk from a heart attack and I felt nothing for that man but have always mourned the man I wanted him to be.

In your case, I suggest considering writing him a letter and getting everything you need to off your chest and see what happens from that point. You can choose to give him the letter or not. It's possible just getting it all down on paper will be cathartic for you. He may not give you what you need before he dies and it's possible you'll carry some anger, resentment, and longing for what should have been the rest of your life.

Long after my father died, I found out about his traumatic childhood and it was then that I understood why he was the way he was. It helped me forgive him and let go of a good amount of the sadness I carried for so long. Perhaps understanding why your father is the way he is would help you absolve him of some of his failures as a father and bring you some measure of peace.

 

[ASHES]

I never met my birth father after I was 3, although I talked to him on the phone and exchanged letters with him a few times in the last couple years of his life. I felt bad for his mom, and other children, but never really felt much personally about the loss, it felt more like the end of a chapter.

 

[911Sparky]

My dad was a sick, twisted soul who abused me and my two younger brothers both physically and emotionally as kids. I was put in a foster home when I was 9 after the neighbors heard it and called the cops. My youngest brother was closed-fist beaten and bruised when he was 18. My middle brother was enslaved to the family business well into his 20's.

Over the years I've maintained an on-and-off again relationship with him. We've usually been able to pretend the gorilla in the room didn't exist and talk about everyday stuff instead. But any time I'd try to bring it up for some closure, he'd be full of excuses like I was very young and couldn't remember the situation accurately, or that the truly bad stuff was actually done by my step father (who was also abusive, but the truth is he was the "nice" one to me and mostly focused on my mom).

The last time I saw him was about 5 years ago. We went out to dinner with my GF and her family, during which he made a joking comment about my "manhood" because I don't like eating steak (which is also because of his abuse, ironically, but that's another story). Afterwards, as he drove away to head home (he lives several states away) I told my GF that I may never see him again, and that thought didn't make me feel sad at all.

Just over a couple years ago he was very disrespectful to me in emails, so finally I decided that he will always be an abuser and will never again be welcome in my life. So. ****ing. Done. I sent him an email that wasn't rude or hateful, but it pulled no punches in describing all of the major abusive things he did to me that I could remember, and made it clear that all I was really looking for was an acknowledgement and apology. Two weeks later he replied that I had a lot of words to say but very little standing to say them, and then made a generic statement of having "regret" for all of his "parental mistakes". I took it as more whitewash bullshit, just like always.

Fast forward to today. My only brother whose still in regular contact with him is telling me that he's been pissing blood and probably has prostate cancer. Same thing that took my grandpa. So naturally I can't help but second-guess whether or not I want to talk to him again. On one hand, once he's gone I'll never get that chance again. But on the other hand, I don't even know if I actually love him. There are some fond memories and I do try to remember them more than the other stuff, but at the end of the day that's not who he really was (and to an extent, is). Part of me thinks I'm probably not longing to talk to him, but instead I'm longing to talk to the father he should have been. The one he was supposed to be. The one that every child deserves. And the reality is, that's a father who I'll never be able to talk to, whether my real one is still alive or not. So what difference would it make? Wouldn't I be better off if I just hold him in my memory as having been a better father than he really was?

Reading your post left me unsure how to respond. My relationship with my father was always strained, to the point that I moved out a few weeks after my 18th birthday. To be clear, I wasn't
abused physically, but he was a very strict man, and did little to encourage me or build my self esteem. He passed away about 25 years ago from a massive stroke, and I never got the chance to clear the air. I felt a sense of guilt for quite a few years, that I hadn't made more effort to reconcile. I guess my advice would be to try one more time, and if the attempt is rebuffed, you
can honestly say you tried. Whatever you decide, hope it works out for the best.

 

[MaryP]

My dad was a sick, twisted soul who abused me and my two younger brothers both physically and emotionally as kids. I was put in a foster home when I was 9 after the neighbors heard it and called the cops. My youngest brother was closed-fist beaten and bruised when he was 18. My middle brother was enslaved to the family business well into his 20's.

Over the years I've maintained an on-and-off again relationship with him. We've usually been able to pretend the gorilla in the room didn't exist and talk about everyday stuff instead. But any time I'd try to bring it up for some closure, he'd be full of excuses like I was very young and couldn't remember the situation accurately, or that the truly bad stuff was actually done by my step father (who was also abusive, but the truth is he was the "nice" one to me and mostly focused on my mom).

The last time I saw him was about 5 years ago. We went out to dinner with my GF and her family, during which he made a joking comment about my "manhood" because I don't like eating steak (which is also because of his abuse, ironically, but that's another story). Afterwards, as he drove away to head home (he lives several states away) I told my GF that I may never see him again, and that thought didn't make me feel sad at all.

Just over a couple years ago he was very disrespectful to me in emails, so finally I decided that he will always be an abuser and will never again be welcome in my life. So. ****ing. Done. I sent him an email that wasn't rude or hateful, but it pulled no punches in describing all of the major abusive things he did to me that I could remember, and made it clear that all I was really looking for was an acknowledgement and apology. Two weeks later he replied that I had a lot of words to say but very little standing to say them, and then made a generic statement of having "regret" for all of his "parental mistakes". I took it as more whitewash bullshit, just like always.

Fast forward to today. My only brother whose still in regular contact with him is telling me that he's been pissing blood and probably has prostate cancer. Same thing that took my grandpa. So naturally I can't help but second-guess whether or not I want to talk to him again. On one hand, once he's gone I'll never get that chance again. But on the other hand, I don't even know if I actually love him. There are some fond memories and I do try to remember them more than the other stuff, but at the end of the day that's not who he really was (and to an extent, is). Part of me thinks I'm probably not longing to talk to him, but instead I'm longing to talk to the father he should have been. The one he was supposed to be. The one that every child deserves. And the reality is, that's a father who I'll never be able to talk to, whether my real one is still alive or not. So what difference would it make? Wouldn't I be better off if I just hold him in my memory as having been a better father than he really was?

Sounds like part of you wants to talk to him, so you should. It doesn't sound as if he's going to take responsibility for what he's done; abusers seldom do. You've accepted that, so send him a letter, maybe, recalling some of those fond memories and see if he reaches out.

You can't change him, but you can be at peace with your own behavior if you follow your heart.

 

[Super Chief]

OP,

You should not feel guilty, nothing was your fault. Sadly, we don't pick our parents, we end up with who we end up, and you deserved better than what you got.

A MAN does not treat their children as your father did, so all that is on him, and it sounds to me he did not care enough about you to ever make things right. Had he wanted to, then he should have crawled to you on his knees and begged for forgiveness, and then worked to restore himself and make things right. And now he is sick, maybe dying, and full of regrets. Well, the time to make things right has passed, and now his soul judged for HIS transgressions.

Show him kindness, but don't give him enough of you to be hurt again.

It is not your fault

 

[PoS]

My dad was a sick, twisted soul who abused me

Same here. My mom too. My dad ultimately smoked himself to death with lung cancer- his kidneys were shot too because he drank heavily. When I heard he died, I didnt bat an eyelid. My life's been way better since I took them out of my life and I aint looking back.

 

[Mighty Jungle]

My dad was a sick, twisted soul who abused me and my two younger brothers both physically and emotionally as kids. I was put in a foster home when I was 9 after the neighbors heard it and called the cops. My youngest brother was closed-fist beaten and bruised when he was 18. My middle brother was enslaved to the family business well into his 20's.

Over the years I've maintained an on-and-off again relationship with him. We've usually been able to pretend the gorilla in the room didn't exist and talk about everyday stuff instead. But any time I'd try to bring it up for some closure, he'd be full of excuses like I was very young and couldn't remember the situation accurately, or that the truly bad stuff was actually done by my step father (who was also abusive, but the truth is he was the "nice" one to me and mostly focused on my mom).

The last time I saw him was about 5 years ago. We went out to dinner with my GF and her family, during which he made a joking comment about my "manhood" because I don't like eating steak (which is also because of his abuse, ironically, but that's another story). Afterwards, as he drove away to head home (he lives several states away) I told my GF that I may never see him again, and that thought didn't make me feel sad at all.

Just over a couple years ago he was very disrespectful to me in emails, so finally I decided that he will always be an abuser and will never again be welcome in my life. So. ****ing. Done. I sent him an email that wasn't rude or hateful, but it pulled no punches in describing all of the major abusive things he did to me that I could remember, and made it clear that all I was really looking for was an acknowledgement and apology. Two weeks later he replied that I had a lot of words to say but very little standing to say them, and then made a generic statement of having "regret" for all of his "parental mistakes". I took it as more whitewash bullshit, just like always.

Fast forward to today. My only brother whose still in regular contact with him is telling me that he's been pissing blood and probably has prostate cancer. Same thing that took my grandpa. So naturally I can't help but second-guess whether or not I want to talk to him again. On one hand, once he's gone I'll never get that chance again. But on the other hand, I don't even know if I actually love him. There are some fond memories and I do try to remember them more than the other stuff, but at the end of the day that's not who he really was (and to an extent, is). Part of me thinks I'm probably not longing to talk to him, but instead I'm longing to talk to the father he should have been. The one he was supposed to be. The one that every child deserves. And the reality is, that's a father who I'll never be able to talk to, whether my real one is still alive or not. So what difference would it make? Wouldn't I be better off if I just hold him in my memory as having been a better father than he really was?

Yes. My father passed in June 2021 and my mother this past July.

Please feel free to private message me. You are not alone. ;-)

 

[Felis Leo]

My dad was a sick, twisted soul who abused me and my two younger brothers both physically and emotionally as kids. I was put in a foster home when I was 9 after the neighbors heard it and called the cops. My youngest brother was closed-fist beaten and bruised when he was 18. My middle brother was enslaved to the family business well into his 20's.

Over the years I've maintained an on-and-off again relationship with him. We've usually been able to pretend the gorilla in the room didn't exist and talk about everyday stuff instead. But any time I'd try to bring it up for some closure, he'd be full of excuses like I was very young and couldn't remember the situation accurately, or that the truly bad stuff was actually done by my step father (who was also abusive, but the truth is he was the "nice" one to me and mostly focused on my mom).

The last time I saw him was about 5 years ago. We went out to dinner with my GF and her family, during which he made a joking comment about my "manhood" because I don't like eating steak (which is also because of his abuse, ironically, but that's another story). Afterwards, as he drove away to head home (he lives several states away) I told my GF that I may never see him again, and that thought didn't make me feel sad at all.

Just over a couple years ago he was very disrespectful to me in emails, so finally I decided that he will always be an abuser and will never again be welcome in my life. So. ****ing. Done. I sent him an email that wasn't rude or hateful, but it pulled no punches in describing all of the major abusive things he did to me that I could remember, and made it clear that all I was really looking for was an acknowledgement and apology. Two weeks later he replied that I had a lot of words to say but very little standing to say them, and then made a generic statement of having "regret" for all of his "parental mistakes". I took it as more whitewash bullshit, just like always.

Fast forward to today. My only brother whose still in regular contact with him is telling me that he's been pissing blood and probably has prostate cancer. Same thing that took my grandpa. So naturally I can't help but second-guess whether or not I want to talk to him again. On one hand, once he's gone I'll never get that chance again. But on the other hand, I don't even know if I actually love him. There are some fond memories and I do try to remember them more than the other stuff, but at the end of the day that's not who he really was (and to an extent, is). Part of me thinks I'm probably not longing to talk to him, but instead I'm longing to talk to the father he should have been. The one he was supposed to be. The one that every child deserves. And the reality is, that's a father who I'll never be able to talk to, whether my real one is still alive or not. So what difference would it make? Wouldn't I be better off if I just hold him in my memory as having been a better father than he really was?

Here is what I would do, being who I am and if I woke up in your shoes. I would write out my feelings in a handwritten letter. Because the thing about a handwritten letter, it cannot have a response or an argument shot back as in a text, or an email, or a phone call. After he reads it, he may toss it angrily aside or crumple it up and throw it in the fire or the garbage. But the important thing is that he would have read it.

I would say something like this:

"Dad,

I was told by my brother that you have cancer and that it is far gone. I did not want you to pass with me carrying the anger for all the abuse you visited upon me and my brothers, and making me wish I had a better, more loving, more honest, more decent man for a father. But I didn't have such a man. I had you. I have made peace with that fact, and I forgive you for all you have done to me. May you find peace as well in the time you have left. Goodbye, Dad.

-Your Son"

 

[Cardinal]

Here is what I would do, being who I am and if I woke up in your shoes. I would write out my feelings in a handwritten letter. Because the thing about a handwritten letter, it cannot have a response or an argument shot back as in a text, or an email, or a phone call. After he reads it, he may toss it angrily aside or crumple it up and throw it in the fire or the garbage. But the important thing is that he would have read it.

I would say something like this:

"Dad,

I was told by my brother that you have cancer and that it is far gone. I did not want you to pass with me carrying the anger for all the abuse you visited upon me and my brothers, and making me wish I had a better, more loving, more honest, more decent man for a father. But I didn't have such a man. I had you. I have made peace with that fact, and I forgive you for all you have done to me. May you find peace as well in the time you have left. Goodbye, Dad.

-Your Son"

Damn. That's good.

 

[OrphanSlug]

My dad was a sick, twisted soul who abused me and my two younger brothers both physically and emotionally as kids. I was put in a foster home when I was 9 after the neighbors heard it and called the cops. My youngest brother was closed-fist beaten and bruised when he was 18. My middle brother was enslaved to the family business well into his 20's.

Over the years I've maintained an on-and-off again relationship with him. We've usually been able to pretend the gorilla in the room didn't exist and talk about everyday stuff instead. But any time I'd try to bring it up for some closure, he'd be full of excuses like I was very young and couldn't remember the situation accurately, or that the truly bad stuff was actually done by my step father (who was also abusive, but the truth is he was the "nice" one to me and mostly focused on my mom).

The last time I saw him was about 5 years ago. We went out to dinner with my GF and her family, during which he made a joking comment about my "manhood" because I don't like eating steak (which is also because of his abuse, ironically, but that's another story). Afterwards, as he drove away to head home (he lives several states away) I told my GF that I may never see him again, and that thought didn't make me feel sad at all.

Just over a couple years ago he was very disrespectful to me in emails, so finally I decided that he will always be an abuser and will never again be welcome in my life. So. ****ing. Done. I sent him an email that wasn't rude or hateful, but it pulled no punches in describing all of the major abusive things he did to me that I could remember, and made it clear that all I was really looking for was an acknowledgement and apology. Two weeks later he replied that I had a lot of words to say but very little standing to say them, and then made a generic statement of having "regret" for all of his "parental mistakes". I took it as more whitewash bullshit, just like always.

Fast forward to today. My only brother whose still in regular contact with him is telling me that he's been pissing blood and probably has prostate cancer. Same thing that took my grandpa. So naturally I can't help but second-guess whether or not I want to talk to him again. On one hand, once he's gone I'll never get that chance again. But on the other hand, I don't even know if I actually love him. There are some fond memories and I do try to remember them more than the other stuff, but at the end of the day that's not who he really was (and to an extent, is). Part of me thinks I'm probably not longing to talk to him, but instead I'm longing to talk to the father he should have been. The one he was supposed to be. The one that every child deserves. And the reality is, that's a father who I'll never be able to talk to, whether my real one is still alive or not. So what difference would it make? Wouldn't I be better off if I just hold him in my memory as having been a better father than he really was?

Someone far smarter than I just recently said to me, related to a similar matter but not the same, forgiving someone is not even about letting that person know they are forgiven but rather an exercise for yourself to realize those burdens of dislikes, disagreements, negative feelings and memories, what have you and putting them down. For yourself, mentally, and for the relationships you value going forward.

The only relatable experience I have is a father I never really knew, divorce and abandonment from my mother all before I was 2 years old.

How I have handled that over the years of course has its ups and downs, but I would offer that those burdens did not do very much for me and in some ways may have impacted several and several types of relationships I've had. Not all bad, but not all good either.

I am not entirely sure he exists anymore, but I forced myself to put the burden down so that if and when something did happen, and I happen to know about it, my feelings are resolved. All without needing to tell him they are resolved. And that is really the bottom line, resolution or what some may call closure, is not really about the other person. It is about taking care of yourself.

 

[Superfly]

My dad was a sick, twisted soul who abused me and my two younger brothers both physically and emotionally as kids. I was put in a foster home when I was 9 after the neighbors heard it and called the cops. My youngest brother was closed-fist beaten and bruised when he was 18. My middle brother was enslaved to the family business well into his 20's.

Over the years I've maintained an on-and-off again relationship with him. We've usually been able to pretend the gorilla in the room didn't exist and talk about everyday stuff instead. But any time I'd try to bring it up for some closure, he'd be full of excuses like I was very young and couldn't remember the situation accurately, or that the truly bad stuff was actually done by my step father (who was also abusive, but the truth is he was the "nice" one to me and mostly focused on my mom).

The last time I saw him was about 5 years ago. We went out to dinner with my GF and her family, during which he made a joking comment about my "manhood" because I don't like eating steak (which is also because of his abuse, ironically, but that's another story). Afterwards, as he drove away to head home (he lives several states away) I told my GF that I may never see him again, and that thought didn't make me feel sad at all.

Just over a couple years ago he was very disrespectful to me in emails, so finally I decided that he will always be an abuser and will never again be welcome in my life. So. ****ing. Done. I sent him an email that wasn't rude or hateful, but it pulled no punches in describing all of the major abusive things he did to me that I could remember, and made it clear that all I was really looking for was an acknowledgement and apology. Two weeks later he replied that I had a lot of words to say but very little standing to say them, and then made a generic statement of having "regret" for all of his "parental mistakes". I took it as more whitewash bullshit, just like always.

Fast forward to today. My only brother whose still in regular contact with him is telling me that he's been pissing blood and probably has prostate cancer. Same thing that took my grandpa. So naturally I can't help but second-guess whether or not I want to talk to him again. On one hand, once he's gone I'll never get that chance again. But on the other hand, I don't even know if I actually love him. There are some fond memories and I do try to remember them more than the other stuff, but at the end of the day that's not who he really was (and to an extent, is). Part of me thinks I'm probably not longing to talk to him, but instead I'm longing to talk to the father he should have been. The one he was supposed to be. The one that every child deserves. And the reality is, that's a father who I'll never be able to talk to, whether my real one is still alive or not. So what difference would it make? Wouldn't I be better off if I just hold him in my memory as having been a better father than he really was?

I’m so sorry to hear this. No child deserves abuse, and his denying your right to be upset - to get closure - is manipulative and wrong.

If you found out tomorrow that he had passed, how would you feel? Would you be sad? Angry? Moroseful? Glad? Would you feel nothing?

That should drive your next move.

That being said - if I were you? If he truly is terminal, I’d go see him. Even if he still tries to manipulate the situation, you won’t be wondering 10 years down the road if you should have visited. It’s easier to go and regret it, than not go and regret it.

My father and I were in the middle of a nasty argument when he died, but he was never abusive. Just had a big disagreement, and he wouldn’t speak to me. He was a singer, and I can’t listen to his CDs, after 11 years, because it hurts my heart.

 

[Lisa]

Has anyone lost an estranged parent? How do you feel about it now?​

Yup, both.

Best thing that could have happened.

Same for me. My abuser mom is in a nursing home with advanced Alzheimers. I really don't care if she is dead or alive. She told me that she never wanted to be a mother and I deserved the abuse. Most of my family still defends her and I have cut off contact with them as well. Good riddance to the entire dysfunctional mess.

 

[VanceMack]

Forgiveness is the most beautiful, selfish act we can offer ourselves. Its not for the other person and literally has nothing to do with the other person. If we recognize pain caused by others, then we owe it to ourselves to forgive...to be free of that pain..not for their sake but for ours.

I think we have been so conditioned by dogma that we have confused basic understand of things like love, healing, and forgiveness. Love is truly nothing more or less than unconditional acceptance. We all are who we are for reasons. Every single one of us. In seeking healing for ourselves, we also must apply empathy. The uncomfortable reality we must face is that if we were that person, we would have THEIR life experiences...and everything they did that we despise...we would have done the same things. Thats not an excuse or justification...its just a recognition...a humbling...an understanding. When we can truly forgive...all we are left with is love. Unconditional acceptance. And now we can move forward without the burdens of yesterday getting in the way of our relationships.

My mother left when I was 3 months. My father was a sailor and gone every 6 months like clockwork. I spent most of my early years in and out of different homes. When he was home, I didnt have a relationship with him. Most of the people he brought into my life were not particularly healthy and I endured the consequences of his actions. It impacted me for 42 years of my life. Today...I choose a better path. I choose to be free of the pain of the past and to be a better man...a better husband, a better father, a better grampa. I am a better man because of my past.

I dont think you owe him anything. You owe yourself EVERYTHING. Whether or not you choose to make him a part of your healing process is 100% up to you...but do everything you do with love...even if that means you choose to not connect with him ever again.

 

[Superfly]

Same for me. My abuser mom is in a nursing home with advanced Alzheimers. I really don't care if she is dead or alive. She told me that she never wanted to be a mother and I deserved the abuse. Most of my family still defends her and I have cut off contact with them as well. Good riddance to the entire dysfunctional mess.