Don't pursue "The One" person

[Herkamer63]

I've been reading threads on here about the nice guy/bad boy types. Based on what the general consensus on here, nice guys seem friendly but are more sociopathic while bad boys are rebellious but adventurous. Looking at all those groups, people, at least on here, don't want any of them. People want a good balance. Women want a strong, masculine, good men, while men want a strong, feminine good woman. It's perfectly normal and sensible. All these groups, though, have something in common: they all try to pursue "The One" person in their lives. That "One" person can be anyone that marks all the checkboxes that you are looking for in a person you're looking to live the rest of your life with.

What does it detail? That depends on what qualifies in your book. It could be beliefs, education, physical attractiveness, whatever it is that you deem to be ideal. And what happens when we find "The One?" We want to pursue them. But ultimately, what ends up happening? We fall flat on our faces. Why does that happen? Let me give me some examples.

The first one is a friend of mine named Thom. In his 40s, owns a small business with his brother, and very skilled. He's a good guy, travels quite a bit, and is a fun guy. Thom wants to get married. He was, at one point in his earlier age, engaged to a woman to be married. Sadly, it was called off over differences. Since then, though, he has been on the hunt for a woman. His checkboxes for "The One" include very physically attractive, in their 20s, and no kids. His success rate, he's still single and hasn't readjusted his priorities.

The next one is a cousin of mine named John, This guy is in his mid 50s, works for a road company, and is very devout in his faith (like me). John is also a good guy and enjoys going out to events where there are single people, like him. John wants to be married. He never had been nor was he even engaged. He has been, however, in contact with a woman closer to his age that's further south than where he lives. What John's checkboxes are: same faith as he is, very nice, and enjoys physical activities. Makes more sense than some of Thom's checkboxes, but what about the woman he's in contact with? Well, she's been seen with another guy and she'll tease my cousin from time to time, when, just from observation, is just hitting him up for money for her singing gigs.

The last example, me. I've only been in one serious relationship before in my life, and I don't ask for a whole lot when it comes that. My biggest issue has been my confidence, and I should have worked on it a long time ago. There have been many women, in my life, that I had considered to be "The One", only to fool myself. The latest woman was a pastor's daughter. Same faith, age, ideology, and activities. I had known her for almost a year and I had gathered the courage to ask her out. The answer she gave, however, was half baked, but I thought it was her being shy because of a previous relationship she had been in a year prior. Week later, while I was at work, found her on the street with a guy that was her boyfriend she didn't tell me about. We haven't talked since. I fooled myself into believing that this was going to be the winner, just like the other women before her. I haven't looked for anyone else since then and have been only focusing on what I enjoy. However, since I had picked up ballroom dancing, I have talked to more women and been having more fun as a result of not looking for anyone.

So all three examples all had the same theme, the pursuit of "The One" person. All three guys failed or are failing miserably. The problem that we run into is when we try to custom build the ideal person for us. It's not just men either. There are plenty of women who do the same thing. It's understandable why people have prerequisites when looking for "The One" because they want to be happy. However, there have been stories of people who had found those kind of people only to end up with heartbreak and depression. After that, time moves along, someone else pops up in their lives, might not check off all the requirements, and, before they know it, they're happily married. Many of them for a long time and have stayed married to that same person.

To conclude, don't pursue anyone you think is "The One" because they mark all your checkboxes. They may end up being making you appear desperate. The best thing you can do is focus on your life. If there is someone out there for you, they will more than likely surface. These kind of things happen when you least expect it. Keep on living your life. In mine, all I can say is whatever happens-happens. If there is someone out there for me, great. If not, that's okay too. I'm enjoying life now and happy. I hope you take this post to heart because maybe "The One" person may be someone you'd least expect and not meet all your requirements. I hope this helpful, don't try the nice person nor the bad person. Be the best person you can be!

 

[SarahSun]

When you find true love you have found paradise. You make alot of sense.

 

[Herkamer63]

When you find true love you have found paradise. You make alot of sense.

Thanks! This whole post has been years of experience fooling myself. Even though I've learned my lesson, it still pains me to see other guys, who are good people, that fall victim to this, instead of just enjoying themselves in with things they enjoy doing and not being hung up on one person.

A little follow up to this post (and it goes along with the post, I promise), it's true that I've been talking to more women, but there's one that comes up in particular that I'm on the ropes about asking out out of morality (if that's how to look at this). This woman is (probably) between 45-50 years old, a counselor, sky dives, in roller derby, and she's nice. Her being good looking, appearing to be late 30s-early 40s, is simply a bonus. Anyway, the issue I have is her kids are in their 20s, and with me being a 35 year man, I don't know how they would feel about having a guy around who's only 10(+) years older than they are, especially when they have kids of their own. As tempting as this woman is, I may pass on her. However, for my 44 year friend and my 55 year old cousin, this woman would be right up their alley, if they actually took the chance to go talk to and get to know her. I don't know if they'd like her, but wouldn't hurt to try. Unfortunately, I don't think either one of them will.

Starting with Thom, he wants to date younger women without kids. He told me this point blank the other day. I understand why he wants to be with someone without kids, but there so many people in their 20s, and an increasing number of them in their teens, that are having kids. At this point, it would almost seem worth saying if you like the person, just accept the fact that they may be parents. Now, the age gap can be debated as much as possible, but I'm beginning to believe that's not the real reason why he wants a woman much younger, and it's not only because they look beautiful. We can even rope in the thing about the kids subject, I think the top reason as to why he wouldn't date this woman is because he doesn't want other people looking at him as an old person. If you looked at this guy, he looks as if he's in his early-mid 30s, so he does look youthful for his age, and I think that's a major reason in why he only wants to have a 20 odd some year old woman, to keep the appearance of a youthful looking couple. He's afraid if he was with someone much closer in age, like this woman I mentioned, others could perceive him as being an old fart, is my guess. It's silly because people are living longer and 45-50 years of age, in today's world, is young.

My cousin John wouldn't date this woman because he's just hung up on this other one that really hasn't talked to him in the sense of actually getting know each other better. Listening to him, he makes it sound like she's being playful and becomes jealous if another woman is around. I know the game, and she isn't any way, shape, or form truly interested in him. He had shown me a picture of her on Facebook, and, yeah, she's good looking, but she won't go for an average looking guy, or for that matter an average guy. Next time, if I have a night off, I want to go to one of the places with him where this woman sings, and find out, for myself, if there's any interest from her to him. Based on the patterns, I would say probably say that there isn't any. We'll see.

As a result, these two are good examples of good guys who have too high of hopes for particular people. While they're messing around with all that, I've been meeting new people. Almost every week, there's a new woman that'll walk in and each one has been interesting. One I just met the other day, who works for a pharmacy, and we've seen each other a couple of times before at the ballroom after I get done with my private class, but it's our first time meeting properly. Another I met about two weeks ago and she had been on hiatus from going to the same place due to work. There's a few others, but I've been putting off asking any of them out because, truthfully, I actually want to get better at dancing and focus more time on that. But, in the meantime, I'll enjoy my time dancing with them in class and build friendships. And that's what my friend and cousin should both be doing, rather than pursuing: meeting new people and making new friends. It's not a bash on either one of them because they are good people, but if they would take the time to focus on those two areas, good things will happen.

 

[SarahSun]

Thanks! This whole post has been years of experience fooling myself. Even though I've learned my lesson, it still pains me to see other guys, who are good people, that fall victim to this, instead of just enjoying themselves in with things they enjoy doing and not being hung up on one person.

A little follow up to this post (and it goes along with the post, I promise), it's true that I've been talking to more women, but there's one that comes up in particular that I'm on the ropes about asking out out of morality (if that's how to look at this). This woman is (probably) between 45-50 years old, a counselor, sky dives, in roller derby, and she's nice. Her being good looking, appearing to be late 30s-early 40s, is simply a bonus. Anyway, the issue I have is her kids are in their 20s, and with me being a 35 year man, I don't know how they would feel about having a guy around who's only 10(+) years older than they are, especially when they have kids of their own. As tempting as this woman is, I may pass on her. However, for my 44 year friend and my 55 year old cousin, this woman would be right up their alley, if they actually took the chance to go talk to and get to know her. I don't know if they'd like her, but wouldn't hurt to try. Unfortunately, I don't think either one of them will.

Starting with Thom, he wants to date younger women without kids. He told me this point blank the other day. I understand why he wants to be with someone without kids, but there so many people in their 20s, and an increasing number of them in their teens, that are having kids. At this point, it would almost seem worth saying if you like the person, just accept the fact that they may be parents. Now, the age gap can be debated as much as possible, but I'm beginning to believe that's not the real reason why he wants a woman much younger, and it's not only because they look beautiful. We can even rope in the thing about the kids subject, I think the top reason as to why he wouldn't date this woman is because he doesn't want other people looking at him as an old person. If you looked at this guy, he looks as if he's in his early-mid 30s, so he does look youthful for his age, and I think that's a major reason in why he only wants to have a 20 odd some year old woman, to keep the appearance of a youthful looking couple. He's afraid if he was with someone much closer in age, like this woman I mentioned, others could perceive him as being an old fart, is my guess. It's silly because people are living longer and 45-50 years of age, in today's world, is young.

My cousin John wouldn't date this woman because he's just hung up on this other one that really hasn't talked to him in the sense of actually getting know each other better. Listening to him, he makes it sound like she's being playful and becomes jealous if another woman is around. I know the game, and she isn't any way, shape, or form truly interested in him. He had shown me a picture of her on Facebook, and, yeah, she's good looking, but she won't go for an average looking guy, or for that matter an average guy. Next time, if I have a night off, I want to go to one of the places with him where this woman sings, and find out, for myself, if there's any interest from her to him. Based on the patterns, I would say probably say that there isn't any. We'll see.

As a result, these two are good examples of good guys who have too high of hopes for particular people. While they're messing around with all that, I've been meeting new people. Almost every week, there's a new woman that'll walk in and each one has been interesting. One I just met the other day, who works for a pharmacy, and we've seen each other a couple of times before at the ballroom after I get done with my private class, but it's our first time meeting properly. Another I met about two weeks ago and she had been on hiatus from going to the same place due to work. There's a few others, but I've been putting off asking any of them out because, truthfully, I actually want to get better at dancing and focus more time on that. But, in the meantime, I'll enjoy my time dancing with them in class and build friendships. And that's what my friend and cousin should both be doing, rather than pursuing: meeting new people and making new friends. It's not a bash on either one of them because they are good people, but if they would take the time to focus on those two areas, good things will happen.

I think you should take the chance!! Let her decide if the age difference is a big deal. If it is, it is.