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Divorce and the inevitable Male Crash-Burn

NatMorton

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I see it all the time. Female leaves man; man falls apart, resorts to heavy drinking, loses job, loses home, gets arrested or worse--shoots to kill the partner who left him and takes own life. It almost never fails. The only remedy for the inevitable Male Crash-Burn is the good fortune of finding a new woman with the strength to keep him on the straight and narrow.

Now, is this CB condition a 100%? Well, I am sure there are exceptions to prove the rule. However, for the most part, show me a dude whose life fell apart, and I'll say, "He just got divorced, didn't he?"

Thoughts?
Maybe the man could show a bit more respect for himself and his former partner, and kill neither.
 

Chomsky

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What I mean by "walk away clean", is that the guys were willing to just break up and walk away without making it into a fight. It has been my experience that when a man and women break up, usually the woman makes it an ugly breakup, not the guy. Theoretically, if you are getting a divorce, you should both use the same lawyer, and split the holdings fairly. Make it simple and inexpensive. However, the typical divorce lawyer will crank up the animosity to start a fight. This prolongs the divorce and ups his fees. And due to the greater emotional nature of women, they are more prone to fall for this trap, at least IMHO.
Meh. I've seen plenty of guys fight their wives 'till the very end.
 

AmNat

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[emphasis added by bubba]

horse shit !!

what bureaucrats benefit from the actions they take in family court?
The judges and the lawyers obtain a very lucrative source of employment. As do the myriad court appointed "experts" whose opinions are relied on.
as to the harm they inflict, how can the justice system not dissatisfy one party in each family court dispute?*
had the family not failed, the need to address that family's issue in court would not be found necessary
They could decide cases using objective standards, e.g. the old fault based system we had until the 20th century. They could refrain from encouraging parents to spend their energy discrediting each other from the time their marriage breaks down until their children are adults (which is usually the objective result of "best interests of the child" based family law).
* from your post, it would not surprise me to learn that you are someone who lost their case in a family court issue
I am not married yet, so no. I'm aware that this could happen to me in the future (should I marry the wrong woman), and in any case I'm more bothered by the government harming children than by the other harmful things it does.
 

calamity

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Sorry no. They ought to put up a sign at divorce court "Abandon all hope if you have a penis."

After my divorce, I hardly ever saw my kids. Bitch turned them on me, convinced them that I was abusive.

I did fall apart. My depression had played a role in the ending, and definitely since. Spent a week in the psych ward and started smoking again. It improved, but I miss those kids. They are technically adults now, so....not much I can do.
There’s a reason I never had kids. You probably listed several of them.
 

ecofarm

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Go back to school is my advice. Great environment, smart chicks.
 

American

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Interesting that you would personalize this in such a manner.
Interesting that you support the premise that the man is always wrong.
 

calamity

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Interesting that you support the premise that the man is always wrong.
Odd that you would interpret this thread that way. But, yet, I'm not surprised that you read it personally like that.
 
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calamity

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Go back to school is my advice. Great environment, smart chicks.
I found mine by getting involved in a political campaign. After decades of living with women who thought opposite of me, I figured I'd find one who was like-minded. We've been together nearly twenty years now--not that it was all smooth sailing.
 

calamity

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A couple of days ago, I talked to a friend who went through one of these crash & burn experiences. I still recall his announcement years ago that he planned to divorce his wife, leaving his two kids without a dad in the house. I tried to talk him out of it, suggesting that for the sake of those kids, it was worth it to weather the storm--lord knows I have plenty of experience in weathering storms. He was adamant though, ended the marriage and immediately spiraled into the inevitable crash-burn.

Same story as everyone else: he couldn't hold a job, lost one girlfriend after the other, got caught drinking and driving, bankruptcy...the list goes on. Saddest part of his tale, he told me his kids, now adults, look at him as the guy who left them.
 

calamity

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calamity

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When it comes to crash-burn situations, I have to admit, I've certainly relied on the anti-lock brakes to keep me out of one, more than a few times. Going back to the 90's, after the first divorce, I'd say only by the grace of the god I don't much believe in did I not end up joining the junkies in the graveyard. Without a doubt, I came about as close to the wrecking ball as a man can without being smashed in the nose.

I didn't exactly learn my lesson either. By the time I divorced again in the early two-thousands, I did it again. Obviously, for me, playing with fire was fun.

Both times, my saving grace was meeting good women. In the 90's, it was meeting a violinist. Granted, the female did not pull me out of the woods, but she did keep me from crossing the double yellow line. If I had not spent the summer with her, I would have ended up like my friend that year, a guy we buried after his crash-burn. In the Y2K's, it was the wife I have now who saved me from certain demise. Again, the hook-up wasn't a direct path out of the woods. But, it was a path, one that kept me out of the swamp.
 

bluesmoke

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Some of it is due to the inequity of divorce court. Then some is due to women being better at backstabbing their partners.

I've seen quite a few divorces in my time. In almost every one, it was the wife who turned it nasty. The guy was willing to walk away clean, the woman wanted to hurt the guy. And due to the laws of divorce court, they can.


Payback's a bitch.
 

bluesmoke

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Staying is an interesting dynamic in its own right. Many stay due to financial dependence. Others are foolish and believe they can change persistent behavior. The woman in the example above was somewhat stuck: two kids and no career prospects. Nonetheless, she opted out rather than stay with a drunk.

I know of another couple. In that case, the female wears the britches due to huge disparity in income. Dude there knows better than to come home drunk or step out of line in any way shape or form. It's almost funny, like when his phone chirps and he urgently replies, saying, "I better take this. It's the wife."

Now, there's a woman who will take no shit.


Maybe they take no shit, but they get shit, reject it, and stay. Still, codependent.
 

calamity

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Maybe they take no shit, but they get shit, reject it, and stay. Still, codependent.
It's hard to say what the personal dynamic may be. But, one thing I do know. A female earning six-figures has options that the stay-at-home housewife does not.
 

calamity

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Payback's a bitch.
And, sometimes outcomes are a kick in the ass. I joke because my first ex-wife now lives in an exclusive suburb just outside of Nashville, in a multi-million dollar home. I live in Ohio...and probably be lucky to get $300K for my place, on a good day.

Clearly, I did her a favor by leaving.
 

Phys251

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I would argue that the crash burning is what led to the other person wanting out. Their leaving is the final pin releasing from the grenade.

I think you just nailed it.

All too often, men react to breakup with entitled rage. They engage in self-destructive or worse, others-destructive behavior.

Males need to learn how to take rejection with grace. We need to learn that when rejected, it's okay to be sad, it's okay to cry, but it's not okay to rage.
 

joko104

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I think you just nailed it.

All too often, men react to breakup with entitled rage. They engage in self-destructive or worse, others-destructive behavior.

Males need to learn how to take rejection with grace. We need to learn that when rejected, it's okay to be sad, it's okay to cry, but it's not okay to rage.
Cry over being rejected? Seriously?
 

calamity

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Not all divorces are created equal. Some are essentially seamless. Looking around, I immediately identify one such scenario, a divorce where the dude did not go through the inevitable male crash-burn.

Of course, this is his third...so he has lots of experience.
 

bluesmoke

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It's hard to say what the personal dynamic may be. But, one thing I do know. A female earning six-figures has options that the stay-at-home housewife does not.


Yes. Yet, still, the codependent ones, and the like, stay. Just as do those without such option.
 

bluesmoke

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And, sometimes outcomes are a kick in the ass. I joke because my first ex-wife now lives in an exclusive suburb just outside of Nashville, in a multi-million dollar home. I live in Ohio...and probably be lucky to get $300K for my place, on a good day.

Clearly, I did her a favor by leaving.


I know the feeling. After 27 yrs of giving whatever, I finally figured out what she really wanted.
 

calamity

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I know the feeling. After 27 yrs of giving whatever, I finally figured out what she really wanted.
All these years, I thought the divorce was my idea. But, when you learn she married up--way up--you gotta wonder if maybe she was a master in the power of suggestion via reverse psychology.
 
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