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Chuck Norris Facts


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Jul 19, 2005
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Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea- bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

I know I wouldn't f*** with Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris sued Burger King because they refused to put razor wire in his double whopper when he insisted that was actually his way.

Chuck Norris wears a live Rattlesnake as a condom.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris was injected with 5 times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer in order to slighty weaken him and lower the fatality rate of the actors he fought.

Chuck Norris once ate 3 72oz. prime rib steaks in an hour. He spent the first 50 minutes having sex with the waitress.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris has already singlehandedly saved the world twice from a meteor but he never told anyone about it.

Chuck Norris was the 4th of the wisemen and he gave baby Jesus the gift of "beard." The other 3 wisemen, jealous, used their influence to have him omitted from the Bible. Shortly thereafter, they all died of mysterious roundhouse inflicted wounds.

One strand of Chuck Norris' chest hair can support the weight of a fully loaded Boeing 747.

There's no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard.. only another fist.
Since my death in '04 I have a reaccuring 'Vision' of Mr. Norris telling me some spiritual fact - I hope its not a kick in the face.

Peace T L Ranger
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