Can a man and a woman be JUST friends?

[Curious George]

My opinion is probably not.

I believe straight men and women can work alongside one another, socialize in groups together, and be acquaintances, without there being any sexual tension or interest by one or both of the parties in the other. However, I believe it is highly unlikely, if not near impossible, for them to be JUST friends one on one. I believe, in male/female relationships with straight people, there is almost always sexual tension and interest by one or both of the parties in the other.

Some additional questions:

- If your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife had a best friend who was a member of the opposite sex, would that be problematic for you?

- If your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife had an an ex who was a close friend, or even their best friend, would that be problematic for you?

- And finally, my own situation... if you were dating someone who had a RECENT ex, who was their best friend, who lived down the street from them, and had daily, in-person contact, who called and visited at all hours of the night, bought them gifts, and was admittedly doing their best to try to win back the person you were dating, would that be problematic for you? What if the person you were dating did little or nothing to discourage their ex's behavior?

 

[DiAnna]

Yes, a man and woman can "just be friends". Paranoia is not an attractive trait, just so you know.

 

[cpgrad08]

I have few female friends that I have no interest in wanting to have sex with, If I were dating I would have no problem with my GF having an opposite sex friend.

 

[Your Star]

I would say yes, I'm just friends with other lesbians, and I don't think that is any different.

 

[nonpareil]

I have few female friends that I have no interest in wanting to have sex with, If I were dating I would have no problem with my GF having an opposite sex friend.

"Sex friend" is a good term for friends with benefits.


I do know that's not what you mean, but just saying.

 

[nonpareil]

My opinion is probably not.

I believe straight men and women can work alongside one another, socialize in groups together, and be acquaintances, without there being any sexual tension or interest by one or both of the parties in the other. However, I believe it is highly unlikely, if not near impossible, for them to be JUST friends one on one. I believe, in male/female relationships with straight people, there is almost always sexual tension and interest by one or both of the parties in the other.

Some additional questions:

- If your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife had a best friend who was a member of the opposite sex, would that be problematic for you?

- If your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife had an an ex who was a close friend, or even their best friend, would that be problematic for you?

- And finally, my own situation... if you were dating someone who had a RECENT ex, who was their best friend, who lived down the street from them, and had daily, in-person contact, who called and visited at all hours of the night, bought them gifts, and was admittedly doing their best to try to win back the person you were dating, would that be problematic for you? What if the person you were dating did little or nothing to discourage their ex's behavior?

If you can't trust her to not cheat on you, and you're looking for something serious, leave the relationship and look for someone else you feel you can trust. If you can't find someone you can trust you need to work on yourself. If you are just fooling around, make sure you wear a condom and you're set.

 

[Arcadius]

The poll doesn't have an, "only if they're unattractive" option.

I would say yes, I'm just friends with other lesbians, and I don't think that is any different.

I think I'm just going to like everything pertaining to Lesbians.

 

[samsmart]

My opinion is probably not.

Of course a man and a woman can be JUST friends.

Men and women don't hop into bed with every woman and man they socialize with. That's just silly and narrow-minded. And just because a man and a woman shows affection for someone of the other sex doesn't mean that there's passion behind it.

I'm friendly with a few girlfriends of my male buddies, but that doesn't mean I want to get in their pants. But I also have a very low tolerance for dealing with stupid ****, which is probably why I don't have currently have a girlfriend of my own. So if I don't want to deal with all the crap of having my own girlfriend, what makes you think I want to deal with all the crap of trying to hook up with some other guy's girlfriend?

I believe straight men and women can work alongside one another, socialize in groups together, and be acquaintances, without there being any sexual tension or interest by one or both of the parties in the other. However, I believe it is highly unlikely, if not near impossible, for them to be JUST friends one on one. I believe, in male/female relationships with straight people, there is almost always sexual tension and interest by one or both of the parties in the other.

Well, of course there's going to be sexual tension or interest. People are on a visceral level just animals, and that combined with our id give us an innate desire to sex up others.

But just because there's sexual tension or interest between two people doesn't mean they can't be friendly with each other. At least as long as at least one of them acknowledges the tension or interest is there and handles it in a mature manner.

Because what you're forgetting is that just because there's sexual tension or interest doesn't mean it's a good idea to act on it. In many cases it's a bad idea, for whatever reason.

So sexual tension is completely independent of friendship.

Especially when you factor in the sexual tension that occurs between two people who absolutely hate each other. With a passion...

Some additional questions:

Okay.

- If your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife had a best friend who was a member of the opposite sex, would that be problematic for you?

Not at all. People need other people to watch out for them. And the more other people try to look out for another individual, the better off that individual will be.

So we need people to look out for us.

Also, I know that I wouldn't be able to fulfill all the needs of my girlfriend. I may be able to fill her needs for sex, for intimacy, and for passion. However, we are still two individuals, and while we may have commonalities we will also have our differences.

For when we have different things, I want her to have someone to enjoy those things with. I also want to be able to enjoy my different interests with other people.

For example, I'm in playing Magic: The Gathering, a collectible card game, which most women aren't. Most women are into fashion, which I absolutely am not. While I love my girlfriend, I'm not going to give up playing Magic, and neither do I expect her to give up fashion.

So if she finds someone who enjoys fashion and is a man, I'm fine with that, because that means she has someone to enjoy that hobby with. And when she's off doing that, I'll be playing Magic. And if I do so with a woman, that's fine. Because I already have someone who fills all my other needs.

- If your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife had an an ex who was a close friend, or even their best friend, would that be problematic for you?

It would be when I was younger. Nowadays, I just don't give a damn. Life's too short to be worried about every little thing. I'm too busy throughout the day to keep track of what my girlfriend does and who she does it with. I gotta have some level of trust in a relationship. If I don't have that trust, then what's the ****ing point of being in a relationship? Better to just be alone and not deal with all that anxiety.

Also, if she's friends with an ex, that's fine with me. At least he's not a violent stalker who's out to come after us in a murderous rage because he refuses to believe that they're broken up. Count your blessings.

- And finally, my own situation... if you were dating someone who had a RECENT ex, who was their best friend, who lived down the street from them, and had daily, in-person contact, who called and visited at all hours of the night, bought them gifts, and was admittedly doing their best to try to win back the person you were dating, would that be problematic for you? What if the person you were dating did little or nothing to discourage their ex's behavior?

Well, I don't think that an ex who talks all the time with my girlfriend, meets my girlfriend, and then brings my girlfriend gifts is necessarily trying to win my girlfriend back.

Yes, an ex-bf may do that to try to win back my gf. But I'm saying that just because he does those things doesn't mean he's necessarily trying to win her back. Sometimes it's just nice to be nice with other people.

And let's say it worked. Okay then. They want to get back together. Fine. Then I'll just break up with her and wish the two of them the best and then go back and look for someone to date elsewhere.

Life's too short to get worked up over bull**** like that.

 

[Apocalypse]

People can be just friends even when there is sexual tension between them.

 

[Jerry]

My opinion is probably not.

I believe straight men and women can work alongside one another, socialize in groups together, and be acquaintances, without there being any sexual tension or interest by one or both of the parties in the other. However, I believe it is highly unlikely, if not near impossible, for them to be JUST friends one on one. I believe, in male/female relationships with straight people, there is almost always sexual tension and interest by one or both of the parties in the other.

Some additional questions:

- If your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife had a best friend who was a member of the opposite sex, would that be problematic for you?

- If your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife had an an ex who was a close friend, or even their best friend, would that be problematic for you?

- And finally, my own situation... if you were dating someone who had a RECENT ex, who was their best friend, who lived down the street from them, and had daily, in-person contact, who called and visited at all hours of the night, bought them gifts, and was admittedly doing their best to try to win back the person you were dating, would that be problematic for you? What if the person you were dating did little or nothing to discourage their ex's behavior?

Only if he's gay.

If she's gay then he's in the friendship to see some hot lesbo action, of course if they're both straight then we know what the dynamic is.

 

[Curious George]

Only if he's gay.

That's pretty much the way I see it.

 

[Curious George]

Well, I don't think that an ex who talks all the time with my girlfriend, meets my girlfriend, and then brings my girlfriend gifts is necessarily trying to win my girlfriend back.

Oh, no, he's admitted it. She knows and does very little if anything to discourage him. She meets with him, takes his calls, accepts the gifts, but it goes deeper than that. She also invites him over, calls him, and gives him gifts.

It's not even really that I don't trust her; I don't believe she'd cheat on me, but the fact that she knows that all of this really bothers me, and she absolutely refuses to do anything to put a stop to it, really pisses me off. If she were willing to take even the most basic steps to put some distance between them or shut him down, I might feel differently, but she isn't.

 

[chuck schmidt]

- And finally, my own situation... if you were dating someone who had a RECENT ex, who was their best friend , who lived down the street from them, and had daily, in-person contact, who called and visited at all hours of the night, bought them gifts, and was admittedly doing their best to try to win back the person you were dating, would that be problematic for you? What if the person you were dating did little or nothing to discourage their ex's behavior?

Unless you are overstating what is happening or understating your relationship, the way you asked the question means you don't really need anybody to answer the question. You just have to decide what is really happening. Just IMO.

 

[nonpareil]

Oh, no, he's admitted it. She knows and does very little if anything to discourage him. She meets with him, takes his calls, accepts the gifts, but it goes deeper than that. She also invites him over, calls him, and gives him gifts.

It's not even really that I don't trust her; I don't believe she'd cheat on me, but the fact that she knows that all of this really bothers me, and she absolutely refuses to do anything to put a stop to it, really pisses me off. If she were willing to take even the most basic steps to put some distance between them or shut him down, I might feel differently, but she isn't.

There's two scenarios here:

1. You are paranoid and make a mountain out of a mole hill in terms of your description of their current relationship. If they are friends, giving each other gift during Christmas and B-Day are normal. So is inviting him over for a party or a gathering of friends since you all live close to each other. Try to be objective. Write down all the times those things have happened over the last 6 months or since they broke up.

2. If having done that, you find that you are not paranoid, leave her dude. She obviously is not making you a priority in her life. If she's doing something that hurts you (and objectively would hurt most people in your situation) in order to keep a close relationship with the ex, she's not over him yet. She ain't worth your time.

 

[Curious George]

Unless you are overstating what is happening or understating your relationship, the way you asked the question means you don't really need anybody to answer the question. You just have to decide what is really happening. Just IMO.

That's exactly what's happening and she's my girlfriend. We were together for a year when we were 17/18 and we've been together for three months or so now again (we're both 29). I don't believe she's cheating on me with her ex but I definitely feel like the contact they have is inappropriate and I've asked her to put a stop to it, but she refuses. She believes I'm just being jealous and that, if I trust her, I shouldn't have a problem with what she's doing.

 

[Curious George]

There's two scenarios here:

1. You are paranoid and make a mountain out of a mole hill in terms of your description of their current relationship. If they are friends, giving each other gift during Christmas and B-Day are normal. So is inviting him over for a party or a gathering of friends since you all live close to each other. Try to be objective. Write down all the times those things have happened over the last 6 months or since they broke up.

2. If having done that, you find that you are not paranoid, leave her dude. She obviously is not making you a priority in her life. If she's doing something that hurts you (and objectively would hurt most people in your situation) in order to keep a close relationship with the ex, she's not over him yet. She ain't worth your time.

Yeah, I'm not being paranoid. I really wish I were. It's daily, in-person contact, one on one, usually in private. They text and talk on the phone every day too. She says they're just friends, but how can you be just friends with someone who wants you back and gets really upset when your new boyfriend posts on your Facebook page?

She doesn't hide any of it. She tells me when he comes over or when they talk. She tells me about these huge arguments they have when he gets upset because she won't take him back or whatever. She won't go into detail but she tells me that they argued and what it was about. So it's not like she's hiding anything.

It sucks 'cause I really love this chick, and she swears she loves me too, but if she's not willing to put a stop to this, knowing how much it bothers me, I guess there's not much of a future to be had here.

 

[molten_dragon]

I'd say it's possible, but uncommon. I know that personally, I've gone through a period where I was attracted to every female friend I've ever had, or they were attracted to me.

My best friend from high school is now my wife.

 

[Goshin]

My opinion is probably not.

I believe straight men and women can work alongside one another, socialize in groups together, and be acquaintances, without there being any sexual tension or interest by one or both of the parties in the other. However, I believe it is highly unlikely, if not near impossible, for them to be JUST friends one on one. I believe, in male/female relationships with straight people, there is almost always sexual tension and interest by one or both of the parties in the other.

Some additional questions:

- If your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife had a best friend who was a member of the opposite sex, would that be problematic for you?

- If your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife had an an ex who was a close friend, or even their best friend, would that be problematic for you?

- And finally, my own situation... if you were dating someone who had a RECENT ex, who was their best friend, who lived down the street from them, and had daily, in-person contact, who called and visited at all hours of the night, bought them gifts, and was admittedly doing their best to try to win back the person you were dating, would that be problematic for you? What if the person you were dating did little or nothing to discourage their ex's behavior?

Totally honest answer, based on four decades of observing the human condition... it is possible, yes, but usually somewhat difficult.

It is easier for women than for men. Women do not have the compulsive mind-turns-toward-sex problem that men have. I'm not saying women don't have a biological sex drive, but for most it isn't remotely like a man's sex drive. It's like comparing a MiniCooper to a Mack Truck.

Men tend to have sexual thoughts about any woman they find attractive, even if they know it is a bad idea. They don't have to ACT on those thoughts, true, but if they find her attractive those thoughts will be right there, lurking below the surface.

It's a lot easier once you're past 30 or 35. Younger men have a harder time suppressing it and keeping it under wraps.

Women are not immune to letting a male friendship turn into something more, (in fact it is one common situation that develops into adultery), but it works very differently. A woman may have a male friend about whom she has NO sexual thoughts at all, even if he is attractive. However, over time, she may find herself indulging in comparisons between the friend and her husband/BF. Her sentimental fondness for her friend may start budding into a more romantic intrest, which may result in a temptation to seek intimacy. The process begins with simple feelings of affection and admiration, and if the male friend "treats her better" than the hubby/BF in some sense this can be a driving factor.

She doesn't HAVE to act on these feelings any more than the male has to ACT on his sexual intrest, but the temptation will be there. Again, older people tend to handle this better than younger people.

Basically, if you are in a committed relationship that you wish to KEEP, you have to be careful how you manage your friendships with the opposite sex. A certain amount of caution about your thoughts and feelings is necessary, and a certain amount of caution about how close you allow this friendship to become. If you're spending large amounts of time in the "friend's" company, especially in a setting where you are alone with them, then you're setting yourself up for possible problems even if you have the best of intentions.

Paranoia is not an attractive trait, nor is jealousy. However, if you are married or committed, you ought to consider your partner's feelings and needs and not give him or her just cause for suspicion. If you are spending a great deal of time with an opposite-sex friend, or going places with them alone, this really IS at-risk behavior and your partner IS justified to be a little concerned or unhappy about it.

I'm not whistling in the wind. I've seen this happen with my own eyes more times than I can easily count: Woman has male friend, probably from work. She has no intrest in him except as a friend... but they spend a LOT of time together. They talk a lot and establish a rapport. They start to have "private jokes" and things they talk about that she doesn't talk about with her husband. She starts mentally comparing friend vs hubby and finding hubby lacking. She is in denial that she is developing romantic feelings about the friend, and continues to spend time with him alone, because he "makes her feel good". If her husband questions the relationship or how much time they spend together, she reacts with anger or annoyance and tells him he's being paranoid and controlling.

And the next thing you know they have an affair and a family breaks apart.

Seen it many times. In many cases, neither person involved began with such intentions, but it develops that way anyway.

Opposite sex friendships are possible, but should be handled with great care if you value your partner and your relationship.
OTOH, men, you have to understand that your wife/GF is inevitably going to be around other men and talk to them and have friendships with them, and you shouldn't badger her about casual friendships... but if she develops a close friendship with a man and spends lots of time with him, especially time alone, you may have cause for concern even if she won't admit it.

 

[Aunt Spiker]

My opinion is probably not.

I believe straight men and women can work alongside one another, socialize in groups together, and be acquaintances, without there being any sexual tension or interest by one or both of the parties in the other. However, I believe it is highly unlikely, if not near impossible, for them to be JUST friends one on one. I believe, in male/female relationships with straight people, there is almost always sexual tension and interest by one or both of the parties in the other.

Some additional questions:

- If your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife had a best friend who was a member of the opposite sex, would that be problematic for you?

- If your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife had an an ex who was a close friend, or even their best friend, would that be problematic for you?

- And finally, my own situation... if you were dating someone who had a RECENT ex, who was their best friend, who lived down the street from them, and had daily, in-person contact, who called and visited at all hours of the night, bought them gifts, and was admittedly doing their best to try to win back the person you were dating, would that be problematic for you? What if the person you were dating did little or nothing to discourage their ex's behavior?

Yeah - sure, men and women (or women and women, men and men) can be 'just friends' without any problems.

But sometimes there's legitimate reason to BE leary. If someone cheated on their spouse - I imagine that their spouse would have legitimate reason to not trust the other after that.

What the issues is in that situation is not the fact that one cannot trust the other - it's the fact that the other HAD trust and destroyed it BY cheating or trying to cheat.

But to just *assume* that it's unacceptable for no reason at all IS in itself a problem.

 

[MaggieD]

- And finally, my own situation... if you were dating someone who had a RECENT ex, who was their best friend, who lived down the street from them, and had daily, in-person contact, who called and visited at all hours of the night, bought them gifts, and was admittedly doing their best to try to win back the person you were dating, would that be problematic for you? What if the person you were dating did little or nothing to discourage their ex's behavior?

Completely unacceptable. Kick her to the curb and don't look back.

 

[soccerboy22]

One of my best friends is a girl that I have known since 8 and have never thought about in a sexual way. She is like my sister and I love her to death.

 

[Cephus]

Of course, I have plenty of female friends that I have absolutely no interest in anything but friendship with. You have to be mighty immature to want to sleep with everything of the opposite sex.

 

[Gardener]

I've had a close friend since college who is female, and there was never any question of our hooking up. She got married and had kids. I got married and had kids. Neither of our spouses are worried about it. We aren't worried about it. What's the big deal?

Good grief. It's not like we are still 16.

 

[roguenuke]

Both my husband and I have friends of the opposite sex. I would have been in big trouble if it wasn't possible to have friends of the opposite sex since the majority of the people I worked with in the military were guys. In fact, in Hawaii, with the exception of the last 6 months I was there, I only worked with men. All of my female friends there came from socializing at the bar I went to. And I have lived with guys who I had no interest in being with and they had no interest in being with me (the only one who might have at one time, I compared to my brother when we first met, pretty much killed his interest, and the one I lived with the longest liked really big girls and I am rather small).

Now, having said that, it doesn't mean that in every situation where a man and a woman are friends they are strictly platonic or that either or both parties want it to be platonic. In your situation, I don't believe that it is unreasonable for her to ask him not to give her gifts/flowers/whatever on occasions other than birthdays or holidays when people would normally give gifts. And they shouldn't be exchanging any romantic gifts at all. I don't think there should be an issue with her inviting him over, if you guys are inviting others over, but he probably shouldn't be coming over "just because" any time that you aren't there. That's a bit inappropriate, especially if they used to date.

 

[chuck schmidt]

There's two scenarios here:

1. You are paranoid and make a mountain out of a mole hill in terms of your description of their current relationship. If they are friends, giving each other gift during Christmas and B-Day are normal. So is inviting him over for a party or a gathering of friends since you all live close to each other. Try to be objective. Write down all the times those things have happened over the last 6 months or since they broke up.

2. If having done that, you find that you are not paranoid, leave her dude. She obviously is not making you a priority in her life. If she's doing something that hurts you (and objectively would hurt most people in your situation) in order to keep a close relationship with the ex, she's not over him yet. She ain't worth your time.

NP's post is sensible. It all depends on what is happening.