Bullying is becoming epidemic

[Harry Guerrilla]

Kill them with kindness. Seriously. Tell her not to get upset with the "mean girls", but rather to smile at them with pity. They can only hurt you if you LET them. Foster her self-confidence and she *wont'* let them.

I know we all base this off of our personal experience, so that may have worked for you.

I don't think that works in all situations though.
It's really an interesting study in social hierarchy.

Some situations require passive techniques, others require violence.
All I know was that my last problem with bullies ended, when they knew that I didn't care about the consequences, the school would dish out.

 

[rivrrat]

Okay, cool. That's kinda what I'm doing now. I always give her a compliment on the way to and from school, and if she does a good job on her homework I tell her how smart she is, etc. We'll see how this turns out. Fortunately she's still at the age where she will confide in me if anyone at school is giving her ****.

Not only that, but she needs to know it's "okay" if someone doesn't like her. This is the stickler for many kids, I think. They think if someone (or a group of people) don't like them, that something is wrong with them. They have this need to be accepted by *everyone*. IMO, this stems from insecurity, however insecurity in one's formative years isn't uncommon. At that age, we're still trying to find ourselves. It's imporant for kids to know that not everyone will like them, and that's okay. Not everyone will accept them, and that's okay. That doesn't make them less of a person and that can only hurt them if they let it. They need to be able to say/think, "If so-n-so doesn't like me, that's HER loss. Not mine."

If someone says something mean to you, they're expecting and wanting a response of pain. They WANT to hurt you. They want to have that kind of power/control over you. It's up to you not to LET them have that kind of power over you. There are many ways to combat it when someone says something mean to you - retaliate, etc. But, in my experience, just giving the mean person a smile and walking off is pretty goddamn effective.

 

[rivrrat]

I know we all base this off of our personal experience, so that may have worked for you.

I don't think that works in all situations though.
It's really an interesting study in social hierarchy.

Some situations require passive techniques, others require violence.
All I know was that my last problem with bullies ended, when they knew that I didn't care about the consequences, the school would dish out.

I'm not saying that some cases don't require violence. Sometimes it does. But, in general, women don't immediately jump to violence. Our gender is, most often, much more mischeivious, sneakier and more manipulative than that. There are times for violence and times NOT to get violent. I've been confronted with both types of bullying. My experience with the physical bullies would have landed me in the hospital if I'd gone the violent route with them (because there were more of them than there was of me). The gals at my high school fought in packs.

But is there a time and a place for it? Absolutely. The key is knowing when that is, though. LOL

 

[OscarB63]

Not only that, but she needs to know it's "okay" if someone doesn't like her. This is the stickler for many kids, I think. They think if someone (or a group of people) don't like them, that something is wrong with them. They have this need to be accepted by *everyone*. IMO, this stems from insecurity, however insecurity in one's formative years isn't uncommon. At that age, we're still trying to find ourselves. It's imporant for kids to know that not everyone will like them, and that's okay. Not everyone will accept them, and that's okay. That doesn't make them less of a person and that can only hurt them if they let it. They need to be able to say/think, "If so-n-so doesn't like me, that's HER loss. Not mine."

If someone says something mean to you, they're expecting and wanting a response of pain. They WANT to hurt you. They want to have that kind of power/control over you. It's up to you not to LET them have that kind of power over you. There are many ways to combat it when someone says something mean to you - retaliate, etc. But, in my experience, just giving the mean person a smile and walking off is pretty goddamn effective.

Always told my kids growing up that 90% of the people out there are total freakin morons. The only way that insults can hurt you is if you actually value the opinion of the insulter, and since they are most likely a moron...you should be flattered that they don't like you. It means that you are smarter and better than them.

 

[Coronado]

Not only that, but she needs to know it's "okay" if someone doesn't like her. This is the stickler for many kids, I think. They think if someone (or a group of people) don't like them, that something is wrong with them. They have this need to be accepted by *everyone*. IMO, this stems from insecurity, however insecurity in one's formative years isn't uncommon. At that age, we're still trying to find ourselves. It's imporant for kids to know that not everyone will like them, and that's okay. Not everyone will accept them, and that's okay. That doesn't make them less of a person and that can only hurt them if they let it. They need to be able to say/think, "If so-n-so doesn't like me, that's HER loss. Not mine."

If someone says something mean to you, they're expecting and wanting a response of pain. They WANT to hurt you. They want to have that kind of power/control over you. It's up to you not to LET them have that kind of power over you. There are many ways to combat it when someone says something mean to you - retaliate, etc. But, in my experience, just giving the mean person a smile and walking off is pretty goddamn effective.

We kinda ran into that a little last year at her other preschool. The director's granddaughter was basically a little preschool bitch and being snotty to my daughter and everyone else. I explained basically what you said above to her and it seems like it made it a little less stressful for her.

 

[OscarB63]

My experience with the physical bullies would have landed me in the hospital if I'd gone the violent route with them (because there were more of them than there was of me). The gals at my high school fought in packs.

that's when you have to go ninja on their asses. catch em off by themselves one at a time and kick em in the spine from behind.

he who fights fair...loses

 

[Coronado]

he who fights fair...loses

Spoken like a true cop! :lamo

Y'all never do fight fair ...

 

[Harry Guerrilla]

I'm not saying that some cases don't require violence. Sometimes it does. But, in general, women don't immediately jump to violence. Our gender is, most often, much more mischeivious, sneakier and more manipulative than that. There are times for violence and times NOT to get violent. I've been confronted with both types of bullying. My experience with the physical bullies would have landed me in the hospital if I'd gone the violent route with them (because there were more of them than there was of me). The gals at my high school fought in packs.

True enough, some females have a meanness streak that can't be sated.

My problem was a pack of guys, they were screwing with all of us but then they decided to mess with my friend and I just snapped.
I was so sick of it.

I told the kid, I was going to kick his ass after school, kept telling him all day and we fought at the bus.
He thought it was over but I decided I wanted to take the rest of his jackass friends on, so I told them that I was going to smear their asses out, in the gym at the end of the day (when I got back from ISS).

The chickens ****s told the principle and left school early, I got suspended for that and "gang" activity.

But is there a time and a place for it? Absolutely. The key is knowing when that is, though. LOL

I agree.

 

[Harry Guerrilla]

We kinda ran into that a little last year at her other preschool. The director's granddaughter was basically a little preschool bitch and being snotty to my daughter and everyone else. I explained basically what you said above to her and it seems like it made it a little less stressful for her.

Man that sounds like my day care.

The grandson of the owner was not only a snotty little **** but he was also a JCPenny model.
Wanted to kick his ass so bad.

 

[Catz Part Deux]

Kids don't have that directive anymore. Now it's all this "nothing is solved with violence, take the high road, everyone's a winner" bull****. Stop pampering the kids and the kids will toughen up.

I don't think parents INTEND to coddle or pamper their children. We've just gotten the message that fighting isn't normal behavior for middle school or high school boys. I would counter that boys are very physically aggressive, and there are appropriate times to fight. There are also totally inappropriate times to fight, as well.

My son took his suspension and served it doing hard labor in the yard under my supervision. I didn't yell at him. I was quite pissed to learn that the kid who hit first didn't get OSS, though.

 

[rivrrat]

that's when you have to go ninja on their asses. catch em off by themselves one at a time and kick em in the spine from behind.

he who fights fair...loses

If they'd bothered me that much, I might have. But, I'm really not a violent person. WILL I kick someone's ass if I have to? Yes. But to me, it's something I would be forced to do. It would be the last resort. I'm certainly not above it. Otherwise I wouldn't have taken martial arts classes. However, it's not my first choice. There were gals in school that tried to get me to "be scared" of them, but I never let them know if I was. I ignored them. I shrugged them off. It didn't take long before they realized I was a waste of their efforts. The only true physical confrontation happened off school grounds, at night, when I was alone outside a ballgame. They *wanted* me to say or do anything, something to just push them over the edge. They wanted to evoke a physical response out of me by saying mean and hurtful things to me. But I didn't LET them. If I had let that esacalate to a brawl, I would have been beaten to a pulp. These are country gals, from up the holler. You don't **** with the holler gals when they're in a pack.

Anywho, the point is... know when to make the physical confrontation, and when NOT to.

 

[Coronado]

Man that sounds like my day care.

The grandson of the owner was not only a snotty little **** but he was also a JCPenny model.
Wanted to kick his ass so bad.

Yeah, that little bitch talked down to everyone, even adults. I swear, if that was my kid I'd have worn myself out tanning her hide. :2mad:

 

[Harry Guerrilla]

Yeah, that little bitch talked down to everyone, even adults. I swear, if that was my kid I'd have worn myself out tanning her hide. :2mad:

I think that has helped shape my dislike of people.
You could replace most people with cats and I'd be happy.

That kid should definitely have had more respect for people.

 

[StandUpChuck]

One thing I'll say is that bullies operate in the shadows of zero tolerance. My son ended up punching someone in the face this year (the other kid started it). He hasn't been bullied since.

I do believe there are some situations between boys that escalate until the victim has no choice but to fight back and take whatever suspension the school dishes out.

Absolutely. My son was picked on most of last year, and eventually I asked him when he was going to punch the ring leader in the face. He was shocked that I would suggest such a thing and insisted he would get into trouble. I told him that would be fine, take his lumps at school but come home hungry, because I would make him his favorite dinner. He did end up yelling at the kid, and it stopped.

As a parent, I just can't wait for that to happen to my little girl. I don't know what to tell her other than to counter it with positive actions at home.

Girls are a whole different animal. I think RR's advice is the best.

 

[Real Korimyr #9]

The chickens ****s told the principle and left school early, I got suspended for that and "gang" activity.

They always punish the kid who fights back. Because, for the most part, the school's on the bullies' side because they're the ones that fit in with their peers and know how to suck up to their superiors.

 

[Harry Guerrilla]

They always punish the kid who fights back. Because, for the most part, the school's on the bullies' side because they're the ones that fit in with their peers and know how to suck up to their superiors.

Pretty much.

Hell I tried to fit in but it all seemed to backfire on me.
I guess, I'm happier now because I feel more like my own person and don't really see the need to always fit in.

 

[rivrrat]

Always told my kids growing up that 90% of the people out there are total freakin morons. The only way that insults can hurt you is if you actually value the opinion of the insulter, and since they are most likely a moron...you should be flattered that they don't like you. It means that you are smarter and better than them.

Exactly my mindset. I see people many times online say something like, "Oh, did I offend you?", Or "I don't want to offend you, hurt your feelings, etc". My response is always, "It's not possible for you to offend me." Because, in order for my feelings to get hurt or for me to be seriously offended, I must actually give a **** about your opinion of me. And, there are few people that I know only in the online realm that I actually give a **** what they think of me. LOL This, of course, applies to in "real life" as well. I think it's why kids didn't bother me much in school. I didn't give a **** about them or what they thought. More kids need to be taught that, IMO. That their self-worth comes from within, not without. Little miss prissy pants cheerleader bitch-face who likes to pick on the not-so-popular kids doesn't matter. She's irrelevant. And the kids she picks on need to understand that and the sooner they do, the sooner they're not going to give a flying **** about her or what she says, and the sooner they will be happier for it. And she will have all the wind taken out of her sails. For some, the only way they can feel good about themselves is to try and take other people down. That's how ****ing pathetic they are, how insecure they are, how little self-worth they have. If only more kids could understand that.

 

[Catz Part Deux]

Absolutely. My son was picked on most of last year, and eventually I asked him when he was going to punch the ring leader in the face. He was shocked that I would suggest such a thing and insisted he would get into trouble. I told him that would be fine, take his lumps at school but come home hungry, because I would make him his favorite dinner. He did end up yelling at the kid, and it stopped.

I'm glad I'm not the only mom who has these opinions. And, I think you're a GOOD mom, probably better than me, so I find this extremely comforting.

 

[Hoplite]

I had 3 classmates commit suicide while I was in high school. :shrug: That was 1980-84. No one blamed bullying, we blamed depression.

Only 3? Wow, you guys were lucky

 

[ReverendHellh0und]

Absolutely. My son was picked on most of last year, and eventually I asked him when he was going to punch the ring leader in the face. He was shocked that I would suggest such a thing and insisted he would get into trouble. I told him that would be fine, take his lumps at school but come home hungry, because I would make him his favorite dinner. He did end up yelling at the kid, and it stopped.

This is good parenting. :thumbs:

 

[Glinda]

Little miss prissy pants cheerleader bitch-face who likes to pick on the not-so-popular kids doesn't matter. She's irrelevant. And the kids she picks on need to understand that and the sooner they do, the sooner they're not going to give a flying **** about her or what she says, and the sooner they will be happier for it. And she will have all the wind taken out of her sails. For some, the only way they can feel good about themselves is to try and take other people down. That's how ****ing pathetic they are, how insecure they are, how little self-worth they have. If only more kids could understand that.

I fully agree. I was never bullied in any fashion, because what other people thought about me never meant diddly, and it was obvious to anyone that bothered to notice. (I learned early on that far too many people are total idiots that can't be trusted to think coherently about anything.)

Unfortunately, with this hive-mind "social networking" crap, kids are literally surrounded, 24/7, by what their peers think/say, and it can't help but affect them - often in negative ways. I actually worry about it.

Here's an interesting story about the impact social networking has on how many people live their lives:

University bans Facebook, Twitter for one week

If you pass through Pennsylvania's Harrisburg University of Science and Technology this week and see some glassy-eyed, numbed and twitching students walking around, they aren't stressed from an early onslaught of all-nighters.

They're probably dealing with withdrawal from a week-long ban on Facebook, Twitter and IM's imposed campus-wide by Provost Eric Darr, who is conducting the experiment as an exercise that will culminate in a survey and students writing essays about their experience. Faculty and staff won't have access either, at least not through the campus system.

One thing is for sure: the experiment is inspiring a lot of chatter on those networks. It's already burning up on Twitter.

In an interview this morning, Darr told me that this experiment is not a criticism of social media, but about observing habits and behaviors in the way we use technology.

I don't know about you, but I could go a day without. Maybe even a few. But then, that familiar itch would creep into my fingers and I'd be tempted to see my friends' status updates, catch up on news and of course, share what's on my mind. After a week without it, I may go catatonic. In other words, it may as well be 1990. And then, I didn't care because I never had it, but now that we're so used to it, could we go without it?

Darr said nothing would prevent the 800 undergrads and grad students (and 70 full-time and 100 part-time faculty and staff) from accessing social media on their phones in the hallways or other places on campus. Phones are already not allowed in classrooms. Or they could do it on their home networks. At this heavily commuter institution, only 20 percent live on campus, while the rest live in and around the state capitol.

"We could have dampened all wireless signals, but we didn't," he said. "But if you felt the need to walk to the nearest coffee shop, which is two blocks away at the Hilton, we'd ask, why did you feel compelled to do that?"

The university will ask those questions and others, such as, "Did you check Facebook? Text on your phone? "What did you have to do? Why?" in a comprehensive survey, as well as in class essays.

Darr is also curious about what lengths people will go to in order to stay connected. "From a technology perspective, there are ways to get around the block that may expose them to spyware and adware, as they try not to go through the firewall. We'll see how clever people were and what they tried."

But Darr has been encouraged by students who have told him they'll voluntarily disconnect for the week.

The impact may be particularly hard on students studying science, technology, engineering and math. Coursework includes eBusiness, Computer & Information Security and Digital Health and several departments regularly use Facebook and Twitter.

In addition to the surveys and essays, a day-long panel discussion on Wednesday will feature 20 experts from higher ed institutions, government agencies and other organizations to talk about the experiment. The university started planning the social media blackout in late June, early July. On Wednesday, students and staff will talk about experiences thus far in a world without social media.

And they've found a particularly connected group of speakers, who between them have 20,000 connections they actively manage through various social media.

The genesis of Darr's idea came from his 16-year-old daughter. He told Inside Higher Ed he observed her doing what a lot of multi-tasking social media addicts do: clicking around "frenetically" on Facebook while "juggling" several texts and IM conversations on her iPhone.

"I was frankly amazed," Darr said. "I thought, 'How do you live like this?' It struck me to think, 'What if all this wasn't there?'"

Inside Higher Ed reported that starting today, Harrisburg IT staff will block access to social media tools from computers using the campus network. They will also disable the wiki and chat features in the university's Moodle-based learning management system.

Oh, and I asked Darr if his daughter was participating in the ban.

No, he said, and laughed. Turns out his daughter is on the student newspaper staff and has to produce an article — on Facebook.

 

[Catz Part Deux]

I fully agree. I was never bullied in any fashion, because what other people thought about me never meant diddly, and it was obvious to anyone that bothered to notice. (I learned early on that far too many people are total idiots that can't be trusted to think coherently about anything.)

Unfortunately, with this hive-mind "social networking" crap, kids are literally surrounded, 24/7, by what their peers think/say, and it can't help but affect them - often in negative ways. I actually worry about it.

Here's an interesting story about the impact social networking has on how many people live their lives:

Dealing with female bullying, with my daughter, has been VERY different for me than dealing with male bullying with my son. Girls are emotionally and verbally aggressive, from what I can see, in general, whereas boys are physically aggressive. I mean, there are exceptions, but telling your son to ignore someone who is threatening to kick his ass is not going to yield the same results as trying this approach with a daughter.

I've been down this road with both. With my daughter, I was able to talk to her about not letting other people's criticisms get to her, and turning their words around on them. We practiced verbal responses. I did this with my son, and it was an utter failure, because he was dealing with an entirely different scenario.

 

[Glinda]

Dealing with female bullying, with my daughter, has been VERY different for me than dealing with male bullying with my son. Girls are emotionally and verbally aggressive, from what I can see, in general, whereas boys are physically aggressive. I mean, there are exceptions, but telling your son to ignore someone who is threatening to kick his ass is not going to yield the same results as trying this approach with a daughter.

I've been down this road with both. With my daughter, I was able to talk to her about not letting other people's criticisms get to her, and turning their words around on them. We practiced verbal responses. I did this with my son, and it was an utter failure, because he was dealing with an entirely different scenario.

Absolutely. The best way to handle bullying usually depends on the kid's gender.

I think most kids are taught not to fight (certainly not to start them), and that's generally good advice. Your "verbal response" practice is a GREAT thing.

On the other hand, I also think that sometimes a good hard punch in the nose works wonders - and this goes for boys AND girls.

My brother had his share of minor scuffles as a kid, but I only had one instance where a conflict became physical. I was... I don't know, six or eight at the time. There was a little terror-bitch of the neighborhood named Catherine Ford, the only girl in a family of four or five tough punk brothers. Catherine learned from observing her a-hole brothers how to be a Grade-A bully. At some point, she'd taken to trying to make me her bitch.

She worked at it real hard for months, giving me crap every chance she had, and it all rolled off. Oh, how she hated not being able to make me cry! But one day, she started in with some insults about my parents and I'd had enough. I hauled off and slugged her in the face.

That was the last time she EVER gave me lip.

 

[RosieS]

The schools have to be forced to deal with it. Schools had to be forced to have black kids in white kids' classes. Schools had to be forced to have physically and developmentally challenged kids mainstreamed into regular classrooms.

Schools have to be forced to deal with having LGBT kids the same as having black and challenged kids. Schools need to be forced to not take the side of the popular suck-up kids....the parents of average kids and those who get bullied need to gang up and yell louder than the parents of the popular kids do. If enuff parents and taxpayers take it upon themselves to visit the principals and visit the school board meetings and insist we aren't putting up with this crap anymore because we pay ALL their salaries, then they won't get away with allowing any kid to get away with bullying another.

Standing up for one kid stands up for most kids and it is up to parents and concerned taxpayers to get the job done. One school and one school board at a time, if necessary. If the law is going to compel attendance then the school must compel appropriate behavior and discipline that applies equally to all students all the time.

Regards from Rosie

 

[MaggieD]

Absolutely. The best way to handle bullying usually depends on the kid's gender.

I think most kids are taught not to fight (certainly not to start them), and that's generally good advice. Your "verbal response" practice is a GREAT thing.

On the other hand, I also think that sometimes a good hard punch in the nose works wonders - and this goes for boys AND girls.

My brother had his share of minor scuffles as a kid, but I only had one instance where a conflict became physical. I was... I don't know, six or eight at the time. There was a little terror-bitch of the neighborhood named Catherine Ford, the only girl in a family of four or five tough punk brothers. Catherine learned from observing her a-hole brothers how to be a Grade-A bully. At some point, she'd taken to trying to make me her bitch.

She worked at it real hard for months, giving me crap every chance she had, and it all rolled off. Oh, how she hated not being able to make me cry! But one day, she started in with some insults about my parents and I'd had enough. I hauled off and slugged her in the face.

That was the last time she EVER gave me lip.

Yeah, fighting's a problem. But the real damage is done, imo, by ostracizing and picking on a kid mercilessly. Name-calling, pointing, laughing, ridiculing clothing, looks. Kids can learn to walk away from a fight -- or stand up to one if need be -- but it's soooo difficult (and heartbreaking) to see what bullies can incite among students toward one little kid. That kind of relentless teasing leaves real scars.

I'm not a parent, but I can only imagine what heartache a parent goes through when a child comes home crying that he's been picked on again. Called a retard. Again. Spit on. Again. Laughed at. Again. Pushed around. Again. It must be awful as a parent. How can a young person cope when he/she becomes the target of these ruthless bullies?

I love Rosie's answer. It's sooooo up to parents to take the fight to the teacher, principal, school board, superintendent. Whatever it takes to get a policy in place that effectively punishes those who behave destructively. Kids' should be learning in school. Not crying themselves to sleep because they don't want to go tomorrow.