Am I wrong for feeling this way?

[Daqueef]

So on Tuesday these 2 people (Male & Female) I've known my whole life were killed by the woman's husband. It's bad news obviously, But Im at a point in my life where I'm no longer emotionally attached to situations where people decided to put themselves in the situation. By that I mean this chick grew up in a 2 parent household, 4.0 student, church going family, solid foundation etc. This chick started dating a guy in prison and waited for him to get out of prison. I remember seeing her post pictures of him in his prison outfit when she would visit him maybe 3-4 years ago on Facebook thinking why would this chick date a guy in prison coming from where she came from? Now fast forward to 2021 and this known felon she decided to marry killed her and her brother.



I'm to a point now where I'm just like it's sad but it's nothing ima dwell on because I've seen to many people put themselves in toxic situations then look for sympathy, but as you get older it's just like we'll you lay with dogs you get fleas. She decided to choose a bad man who was a known felon, was in prison and now unfortunately you dealt with the ramifications of your decisions. The Supposed good girl being attracted to bad guy never ends well for these hard headed women.

 

[NatMorton]

The story is not unlike that of Breonna Taylor. She too likely did not thing wrong beyond voluntarily associating herself with bad people, and if you hang around trouble long enough that trouble will eventually come to rest on you.

That said, almost every premature loss of life is a tragedy. FWIW, don't let age dim that realization.

 

[Mika-El]

So on Tuesday these 2 people (Male & Female) I've known my whole life were killed by the woman's husband. It's bad news obviously, But Im at a point in my life where I'm no longer emotionally attached to situations where people decided to put themselves in the situation. By that I mean this chick grew up in a 2 parent household, 4.0 student, church going family, solid foundation etc. This chick started dating a guy in prison and waited for him to get out of prison. I remember seeing her post pictures of him in his prison outfit when she would visit him maybe 3-4 years ago on Facebook thinking why would this chick date a guy in prison coming from where she came from? Now fast forward to 2021 and this known felon she decided to marry killed her and her brother.



I'm to a point now where I'm just like it's sad but it's nothing ima dwell on because I've seen to many people put themselves in toxic situations then look for sympathy, but as you get older it's just like we'll you lay with dogs you get fleas. She decided to choose a bad man who was a known felon, was in prison and now unfortunately you dealt with the ramifications of your decisions. The Supposed good girl being attracted to bad guy never ends well for these hard headed women.

Wow. That was heartfelt. Hey You are not "wrong", There is no appropriate feelings one should tell you to have. Let me talk to you directly. I spent over 20 years in the court system as a lawyer, mediator, government prosecutor, law professor, whatever dealing with family violence and sex crimes among other things. I have seen the worst human behaviour you can imagine including both sex crimes and violent sex crimes as well as domestic violence.

Yes its very common women or vulnerab;le people can not pull themselves out of toxic relationships. Its a complex phenomena where they believe there is no way to pull out. Repeated attacks on them erodes and eradicates any sense of self identity. Their identity as an individual no longer exists. They exist only as an extension of the abuser's identity and they see no separation. Its a psychological phenomena. The vest way I can describe it is a variation of what we call Stockholm Syndrome. This syndrome was used after people were held hostage in a back in Sweeden by bank robbers. The police noticed when released and shortl;y before, the hostages identified with and went so far as to want to protect their hostage takers. What we now know is if I forcefully control you, you can if you have all your freedoms stripped from you and believe your identity is 100% dependent on the person holding you hostage, you stop seeing yourself as an individual distinct from the hostage taker. In fact the extreme control over you serves to reduce you or bringyou back to an infantile state when you were completely dependent as a baby on your parent to feed or look after you.

Sp this is also why when people join coercive or cult groups, the cult leaders engage in specific exercises including telling you who you can talk to, when you go to the bathroom, when and how long you sleep. what you can think, and use the group designated leaders to pressure you into behaving in a certain way. Cult groups use it, extereme religious groups use it, political agents use it.

So when you see a woman with her abusive mate, or a hooker with a pimp, or an abused child with a parent, i ts natural to ask why the hell would they not leave? It makes no sense to you because it can't. It is not you controlled and experiencing this phenomena

.So you can't be expected to feel anything but anger, frustration, guilt.

Yah I have seen women I have tried to counsel and children I have tried to pull out of horrendous situations identify with their molesters and abusers and turn on me. That is very common. In fact ask a police officer. They can intercept a man going to beat his wife, and the wife will turn on the police officer and yell her husband did nothing wrong.

So, may I say again directly to you-there is no right or wrong and you sound emotionally exhausted from trying to help but not being able to. What can I say but I get you.

 

[Luther]

So on Tuesday these 2 people (Male & Female) I've known my whole life were killed by the woman's husband. It's bad news obviously, But Im at a point in my life where I'm no longer emotionally attached to situations where people decided to put themselves in the situation. By that I mean this chick grew up in a 2 parent household, 4.0 student, church going family, solid foundation etc. This chick started dating a guy in prison and waited for him to get out of prison. I remember seeing her post pictures of him in his prison outfit when she would visit him maybe 3-4 years ago on Facebook thinking why would this chick date a guy in prison coming from where she came from? Now fast forward to 2021 and this known felon she decided to marry killed her and her brother.



I'm to a point now where I'm just like it's sad but it's nothing ima dwell on because I've seen to many people put themselves in toxic situations then look for sympathy, but as you get older it's just like we'll you lay with dogs you get fleas. She decided to choose a bad man who was a known felon, was in prison and now unfortunately you dealt with the ramifications of your decisions. The Supposed good girl being attracted to bad guy never ends well for these hard headed women.

Don't understand why Good girls are attracted to bad boys.

 

[Mika-El]

Same way "good" boys are attracted to "bad" girls. People sometimes look for things in other people they do not think they have themselves.

It may be they are bored, looking for someone they can "save" to make themselves feel better, do not like themselves and sub-consciously look for people to abuse them because they themselves came from an abusive relationship as a child. There are many theories but it always depend son the individual psychological profile of the individual which is as unique as a fingerprint or snowflake although we can sometimes see repeat patterns of behavipur in choosing relationships caused by unresolved issues from the past.

Bottom line, you look for things in others subconsciously that can remind you of your mother, father, siblings, someone who made a significant impact in a positive or negative way. Sometimes believe it or not its simply hormones. We get attracted to people who we also can subconsciously belioeve are appropriate for mating with.

People can be strongly attracted to people far outside their own gene pool, i.e., another race because we have a tendency to want to reprodcue outside our gene pool to keep our offspring healthier. We also tend to be attracted to people physically that we believe are similiar to us physically.

Here's another explanation and try it out. First borns tend to be attracted to first and last borns, and middle children to other middle children. If you have a mate try that out and see if its accurate. That is Adler's pecking order theory and its quite accurate many times.