alphamale
Banned
- Joined
- Oct 9, 2005
- Messages
- 1,120
- Reaction score
- 0
- Location
- Southern California
- Gender
- Male
- Political Leaning
- Undisclosed
From Maxim magazine:
100. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she’s going to outlive you.
99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line.
98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you can’t get a h__d-on she assumes you’re not attracted to her.
97. Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.
96. Jewelry. Now you always knkow what to get her for a last-minute gift.
95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.
94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-**** crazy or just plain mean.
93. Girls who say, “I love sports!” are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game they’re talking about, are not.
92. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when she’s most fertile.
91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.
90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it’s their car.
89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.
88. “If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.”—Claire, 27
87. Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterparts—and the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion.
86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble b_____d.
85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she’s Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled.
84. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitute—scientific proof most women are decent in bed.
83. Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true.
82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.
81. The threesome is not about you; it’s about the two girls. If you’re lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there’s a good chance it’ll end the relationship.
80. If women have an excuse to take a pill, they’ll take it.
79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best bj you’ve ever had.
78. “I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after I’ve come. Wait five minutes.”—Erin, 21
77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.
76. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.
75. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash.
74. “Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.”—Suzy, 31
73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10.
72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.
71. “Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places that men do—lower abdomen, nipples—we just get rid of them.”—Katie, 26
70. Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians.
69. If you have something to hide, she’ll find it.
68. Eighty-five: The number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000-plus. The highest male-to-female ratio is in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females.
67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you’ll be “friended.”
66. They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.
65. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.
64. An online dating service’s survey found that a woman’s ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes.
63. In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon.
62. A British study claims a woman’s chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent.
61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.
60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.
59. “When I’m drunk, I can’t come. Not even with a vibrator.”—Lauren, 35
58. If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.
57. Most women think they’re better drivers than they are. Don’t point this out while she’s at the wheel or she’ll freak and crash.
56. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.
54. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and she’ll change her tune. “I’ve known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy,” says Evie, 22.
53. According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolie’s lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004.
52. Despite always complimenting another woman’s short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.
51. Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “****ing awesome,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed.
50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they’re in denial about the size of their feet—which they can’t stand.
49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.
48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they’re unsure.
47. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.
46. Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild. Jäger helps.
45. Twenty-three percent of this magazine’s readers are women.
44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal.
41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion.
40. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.
39. It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it.
38. Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.
37. Women’s public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men’s.
36. “At one point or another, I’ve gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don’t like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It’s not about trust; it’s about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it’s been satiated.”—Caroline, 28
35. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds.
34. Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. It’s only about four minutes long.
33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta!
32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they’re hovering above the toilet in a squat.
31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.
100. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she’s going to outlive you.
99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line.
98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you can’t get a h__d-on she assumes you’re not attracted to her.
97. Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.
96. Jewelry. Now you always knkow what to get her for a last-minute gift.
95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.
94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-**** crazy or just plain mean.
93. Girls who say, “I love sports!” are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game they’re talking about, are not.
92. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when she’s most fertile.
91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.
90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it’s their car.
89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.
88. “If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.”—Claire, 27
87. Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterparts—and the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion.
86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble b_____d.
85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she’s Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled.
84. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitute—scientific proof most women are decent in bed.
83. Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true.
82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.
81. The threesome is not about you; it’s about the two girls. If you’re lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there’s a good chance it’ll end the relationship.
80. If women have an excuse to take a pill, they’ll take it.
79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best bj you’ve ever had.
78. “I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after I’ve come. Wait five minutes.”—Erin, 21
77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.
76. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.
75. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash.
74. “Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.”—Suzy, 31
73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10.
72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.
71. “Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places that men do—lower abdomen, nipples—we just get rid of them.”—Katie, 26
70. Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians.
69. If you have something to hide, she’ll find it.
68. Eighty-five: The number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000-plus. The highest male-to-female ratio is in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females.
67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you’ll be “friended.”
66. They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.
65. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.
64. An online dating service’s survey found that a woman’s ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes.
63. In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon.
62. A British study claims a woman’s chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent.
61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.
60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.
59. “When I’m drunk, I can’t come. Not even with a vibrator.”—Lauren, 35
58. If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.
57. Most women think they’re better drivers than they are. Don’t point this out while she’s at the wheel or she’ll freak and crash.
56. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.
54. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and she’ll change her tune. “I’ve known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy,” says Evie, 22.
53. According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolie’s lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004.
52. Despite always complimenting another woman’s short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.
51. Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “****ing awesome,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed.
50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they’re in denial about the size of their feet—which they can’t stand.
49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.
48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they’re unsure.
47. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.
46. Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild. Jäger helps.
45. Twenty-three percent of this magazine’s readers are women.
44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal.
41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion.
40. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.
39. It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it.
38. Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.
37. Women’s public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men’s.
36. “At one point or another, I’ve gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don’t like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It’s not about trust; it’s about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it’s been satiated.”—Caroline, 28
35. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds.
34. Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. It’s only about four minutes long.
33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta!
32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they’re hovering above the toilet in a squat.
31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.
